Depression. I was broken, now I'm fixed.

dublinman101

I first got depressed aged 17. Leading up to and during my Leaving Cert. I underperformed. The disappointment of underperforming never left me. I dream of making amends by sitting it again most nights. I'm 38 now. I've even thought of resitting it on the sly, not telling anyone but it seems like a lot of hassle and may not be the solution.
I moved on. Went to college. Built a career.
Since school I have had episodes. Another episode ruined my first long term relationship and I haven't had a relationship since. I'm working on that. My thinking around relationships has to change but it's hard.
I'm on medication. I go to counselling and have an excellent relationship with the counsellor. I've read a tonne of self help books. I exercise regularly. I have a healthy diet. I drink seldom. At times I feel I have things worked out, that I've finally sorted everything out and can move forward with stability. But I have relapses. My depression is what doctors would call mild. When depressed, I continue working but my thinking gets very negative and I'm kind of holding on.
One of the hardest things is feeling depressed and looking back to a time when I was happier and more confident and wondering how can I get those feelings back.
What I want to say to people out there, if it helps is this:-
It is extremely useful that Bressie and GAA players come out and talk about depression. But too often it is presented as "I was broken now I'm fixed". For some people that happens. But I suspect many people like me are usually OK but have relapses and may continue having relapses despite best efforts.
I would like to think that some day I will have it sorted for good. But that might not happen. I was prone to anxiety and worry from a young age. On reaching adulthead I developed anxiety/depression. I have to manage this even if I can't cure it. I have to try and have less relapses and work to get out of them as quick as possible when it happens.
I hope I might help someone out there. Keep fighting. You're not alone.
Can people identify with this? Any feedback?

LegacyUser

I understand where you're coming from. I've come to realize I've been suffering cyclical bouts of depression since my mid teens, I'm now in my early 30's and was hospitalized a couple of years back it got so bad. There is no silver bullet and I realize I'll have to manage my mental health for the rest of my life. Some people are wired differently, I've reconciled myself that it's part of my makeup and I'll probably be firefighting at various points in my future. I do everything I can like yourself and I'm on an upswing at the moment where things are going good, but I know the dark days are never far off. I just have to be ready for them and do the right things to keep the head above water.

mg1982

I can empathise completely with that. There is a tendency in the media of people relating there stories battling mental illness and how they completely overcame it and are now leading full happy productive lives.

I myself suffer with ongoing mood and anxiety problems and probably will for the rest of my days. I have had these issues since my early teens and I'm in my early thirties now. Every day is a battle and I can never make long term plans because I won't know how I will be from one day to next.

Give credit to bressie for being so honest with his issues And telling it how it really is suffering mental health problems I wish there were more like him.

Neyite

Mod:

Since this is a discussion, rather than a personal issue that requires advice, I've to close this.

There is an excellent discussion on Depression in After Hours where your discussion can continue.