Panicking like f*ck

LegacyUser

Ok, don't judge me or the mess I've gotten myself into but heres my situation.

Basically, I'm a 23 year old male virgin. It's a bit old to still be a virgin but whatever. A few weeks ago, I shifted this girl and we've been texting since and have gone on a few dates. To avoid embarassment (and I know this sounds really immature), I told her I wasn't a virgin and we've had one or two conversations about our sex lives which I just winged my way through.

I've been intimate with girls before and have gone to 3rd base but never actually sealed the deal. I've fingered girls but never given oral. I'd be quite comfortable with makeout sessions and wouldn't shy away from whatever foreplay she wants (a lot of more experienced guys aren't great with foreplay anyway so I don't think this would give me away) but I'm seriously worried that when it moves on to actual penetrative intercourse that she'll cop that I haven't a clue what I'm doing.

I feel like an idiot and that I've gambled what could potentially be a wonderful relationship with this girl on a bed of lies. I think if she cops it, the whole thing may be ruined to be honest.

Do I tell her I've lied and hope she forgives me or chance my arm as I've been doing all along and hope for the best?

greznik913

Whatever you do dont tell her, especially now that you already told her that you have experience. She will see you as someone not confident and someone who lied to her. She will also start to ask herself what else did you tell her that were not true...
There is no need for her to know. I only had one gf at 26 - never told her she was my first and i was clumsy as f*ck. just say its been a while if you must... I think 1st time with anyone is clumsy for both of them so no need to tell her.

My advice is dont tell her...

Penny Tration

Totally disagree with the above poster.

Firstly, the first time for all couples is not clumsy!

With regards to telling her - tell her. To be blunt, she's probably gonna realise during sex that you're not as experienced as you said you were. So just tell her the truth - you lied because you were embarrassed and you want her to know the truth now because you care about her.

It's not a big deal unless you make it one.

Huntergonzo

Nah there's no need to tell her, just seal the deal as soon as you can though, it will get a huge weight off your mind and who knows maybe you'll be better than you expect. A few drinks (not too many now!) will take the edge off aswell and allow you to relax, if yous are still together in a few years time maybe you can tell her about it in a light hearted way, if yous aren't together then nobody ever needs to know, works both ways.

It's going to be extremely hard to hide the fact that you're a virgin. How familiar and comfortable are you with putting on condoms?

Gwynplaine

"3rd base", and, "making out". I thought they were only in films.
My advice. Don't go into battle with a full tank.

strobe

I dont think it's going to be difficult to hide the fact you're a virgin at all if that's what you want to do. If you don't already know, learn how to put on a condom properly, youtube it and have a practice run beforehand. To be honest there's not much more that will give you away. It's a pretty straightforward process if you've 'been to third base', you just do that first then insert your penis into her vagina and SLOWLY! move your penis in and out (not all the way out, stop an inch or so short or it'll pop out) and touch her where you want to touch her whilst kissing her and moving in and out. Thems the basics. If you want to go beyond the basics just do whatever feels good for you to do. Unless you try to stick it in her ear or start doing a handstand or something there's no reason she'll think you lied about not being a virgin. No need to tell her before hand unless you want to, 'cause reasons.

Santa Cruz

Have seven or eight pints beforehand and she'll blame the drink.

bjork

Right you've already told her one thing.

Just go with the flow. If it's a disaster, you can either come clean or tell her your nervous because she is so beautiful etc

Daryl Strawberry

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Have seven or eight pints beforehand and she'll blame the drink.

This! Built-in excuses just in case worst comes to worst. Don't have it be this big romantic buildup in the absolute perfect circumstances. Firstly, it gives you too much time to psyche yourself out about it, and secondly you'll set the standards for yourself unattainably high.

Addle

If you do tell her, tell her after you do it.

OP, it hasn't been stressed enough, but you need to get used to putting on condoms. This is vitally important. Buy a large pack of them and use a few of them getting used to putting it on for one, but also how it feels when you have an erection. If you do want to hide your virginity, though if she's experienced in bed it will be pretty obvious to her, but the most telling sign would be your inability to do this.

Look up tutorials online. These will help you.

LegacyUser

I was 21 before I got my rocks of with a much more experienced lady so only a bit younger than yourself. Like yourself I embellished my sexual past to seem more 'alpha' or whatever. I came clean right before we did the deed and she couldn't have been more understanding. Guided me through the first night and by week two I was like Lexington Steel. If she's any which way sound she won't care. In fact I still rate her as the best sexual partner I've ever had.

I think a lot of the above advice is bunk. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Just tell the truth, and if she reacts badly, well you don't really want a sexual partner that thinks its all about her. Sex is a two way act.

GLaDOS

The key to enjoying sex is being able to relax. You won't be able to relax if you're too worried about her copping you're a virgin to enjoy it. And that's on top of the usual anxiety of copulating for the first time!

I think you should be honest and just say you lied about it because you were worried she would judge you. If she's in any way decent this won't be an issue and you can learn from her experience (assuming she isn't a virgin herself). I'm sure she'll understand you being anxious about it and why you lied.

Are you interested in an actual relationship with the girl or just getting the ride? If it's the former I really think honesty is your best bet.

That said, the advice about learning how to put condoms on is worth heeding either way! Tricky buggers when you're not sure what you're doing.

silverfeather

She isn't going to mind. Just tell her she will understand.

LegacyUser

Hey, thank you all for your replies.

Some of you have suggested I blame it on drink. Coincidentally, we're actually going for drinks this weekend and the way things have been going I have a feeling it may move on to sex afterwards. I don't see blaming it on drink as a good idea. If this is going to turn into a potential relationship, we're going to have sex eventually and blaming it on the drink would just be procrastinating the issue.

Some of you have mentioned the difficulty of putting on a condom. I think this issue is easily avoided. From my last few years in college, I've built up quite a stack of free condoms in my room, I think most of them are in date so I can get practising beforehand.

I just think telling her is a big gamble but then again chancing my arm is a big gamble as well. I'm no stranger to intimate make-out sessions as I said the one thing I really fear is actual penetrative sex. If I do chance my arm, best case scenario would be she thinks I'm not great in bed and worst case scenario would be she cops that I don't know what I'm doing.

If I tell her, I feel it could be curtains on the whole thing as I don't think anybody appreciates being lied to. What's annoying me more is I really don't think the fact I'm a virgin wouldn't have bothered her if I hadn't been immature and lied in the first place. On the other hand, if I told her maybe she might be understanding and as ye have said the whole experience would be a lot more enjoyable for both of us if there was no pretending involved.

Like if I did tell her, I don't think the fact I'm a virgin would make her end it, I don't think shes that fickle, it's more that I'm worried what damage all the lies would do.

In saying that, I'm thinking now I should tell her and hope she accepts whatever excuses I can think of for lying to her apart from my own immaturity. It certainly will be an awkward and embarrassing conversation for both of us.

I worry about how little the OP knows regarding sex -

It should be stated that depending on how long you've had those condoms, then you should most definitely not use them. Condoms have a use-by date, which are usually located on the box or, if you don't have that, on the condom itself. If they don't have one, just assume they're out of date and if they have it and are out of date, then don't use them. A condom outside of this is much less effective.

Most certainly use them to test out putting them on (but be aware that there is likely going to be a difference between you putting them on by yourself and then when she is around), but use new ones with her.

I would also say to buy new ones, just because you should get used to purchasing them any way.

Chemical Byrne

Perhaps a strategy to avoid awkwardness at the "moment of truth" would be to guide things so that she will be the one on top when sex is to commence and then that would make it more of her job to put it in rather than you fumbling around feeling for "it", if that makes any sense.

Part of me would think that you should just come out with it and be honest. Tell her you said you were experienced because you were nervous talking about sex. As someone said above, if she has any shred of decency she will be understanding of how nerve wracking your first time having sex can be.
If she is the sort to dump you for being a virgin well then, to be honest you'd be as well off to be rid of her.

ruskin

Have a **** before you head out- really clears the head-and cock.

Chemical Byrne

ruskin wrote: »

Have a **** before you head out- really clears the head-and cock.

Sounds like a line out of Spartacus: Blood and Sand :pac:

But yeah, it might be a good idea to releive the tension that way. Doing that will release calming hormones into your system that will take the edge off for a while.

LegacyUser

Hey everybody, thanks again for your advice. I'm still undecided but I think I'm just going to tell her. My gut instinct is that she will cop that I haven't a clue what I'm doing and as has been mentioned, I really won't enjoy the experience if I'm bricking it that she will notice my inexperience which wouldn't be fair on either of us.

My big worry isn't that she would end it because I'm a virgin, it's that she'd end it because I blatantly lied to her. But I think it's better to just get it out there instead of creating a horribly awkward situation. I mean if we ended up in my room or her room and the moment was spoiled because of that, we would still have to spend the night together both disappointed and frustrated and that doesn't seem like a very appealing prospect to be honest.

But I still feel like I might be able to wing it on the other hand. As I said, I do have experience with foreplay and wouldn't be nervous about engaging in that. I'm still torn

Matteroffact

If you don't want to tell her you don't have to. She is not going to know you are a virgin. We all know the basic facts of life so there is no reason for her to think you don't know what you are doing. It all comes naturally at the time.

_Whimsical_

advicewelcome wrote: »

Hey everybody, thanks again for your advice. I'm still undecided but I think I'm just going to tell her. My gut instinct is that she will cop that I haven't a clue what I'm doing and as has been mentioned, I really won't enjoy the experience if I'm bricking it that she will notice my inexperience which wouldn't be fair on either of us.

My big worry isn't that she would end it because I'm a virgin, it's that she'd end it because I blatantly lied to her. But I think it's better to just get it out there instead of creating a horribly awkward situation. I mean if we ended up in my room or her room and the moment was spoiled because of that, we would still have to spend the night together both disappointed and frustrated and that doesn't seem like a very appealing prospect to be honest.

But I still feel like I might be able to wing it on the other hand. As I said, I do have experience with foreplay and wouldn't be nervous about engaging in that. I'm still torn

Just follow your heart here, tell her. Sometimes those moments where you lay the truth bare and expose your vulnerabilities are the most intimate in relationships, they become a more solid foundation on which to build too. She'll understand why you lied and she'll appreciate that it's not easy to fess up now but you've made the effort for her. I would be touched and feel closer to someone in that situation if I was her. I think it sounds like you WANT to be honest with her, that thats what your instinct is telling you here. So you've the option to chose a meaningful moment,maybe a meaningful experience, certainly a more relaxed one over attemping a cheap trick here!
Also the lying, I think it's kind of expected by women. Very few men are as competent or as confident when it comes to it as they let on beforehand. It's probably the same for what women say for all I know! There's always a element of bravado in flirting.

Greenduck

From a woman's perspective 100% tell her. I can almost guarantee she wont mind at all and might even be flattered. If she does mind, shes probably not the gal for you.

If you dont tell her, she may think it's bit crap and expect you to know more about what you're doing. She can help you along if she knows and it will be better for both of you! If you think this might become a relationship, you dont want to get started with a fib so be upfront and explain why you lied in the first place.

Kidchameleon

Jesus OP its only sex you need to chill. If your not relaxed you wont get a hard on. Chill man enjoy it. Also, everyone lies about their sexual past so its no biggie that you did.

TheBeardedLady

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, it hasn't been stressed enough, but you need to get used to putting on condoms. This is vitally important. Buy a large pack of them and use a few of them getting used to putting it on for one, but also how it feels when you have an erection. If you do want to hide your virginity, though if she's experienced in bed it will be pretty obvious to her, but the most telling sign would be your inability to do this.

Look up tutorials online. These will help you.

You can get her to put it on - tell her you find it sexy or something. I've always been the one to put it on with every partner.

OP, I lied to the first guy I slept with and told him I'd done it before though I was younger than you. We met up years later and I told him after many drinks and he simply said he'd wished I told him.

You're still only a young guy and I personally wouldn't have been turned off if a guy told me that back then. Being 23 and a virgin is not uncommon. If there's chemistry between you and she fancies you, there should be no issue. Take it easy, OP - sex is something fun so just go with it. Good luck!

Surely asking her to do that is a huge common sign that he doesn't know how to put one on and also that he's a virgin.

TheBeardedLady

Deleted User wrote: »

Surely asking her to do that is a huge common sign that he doesn't know how to put one on and also that he's a virgin.

I think that'd be the last thing I'd be thinking at that point of the proceedings...if ye know what I mean .

Seriously, even the most experienced of lovers are clumsy putting it on now and then ime and it's not exactly difficult to get the hang of. I've never expected it to be the man's job anyway and I think focusing on this will make him unnecessarily nervous.

Just hurry up and have sex, OP! It might be daunting and don't expect it to be amazing, but I promise that you'll get better and better over time and practice!

Stinjy

If this hasn't already happened, tell her OP.. I'd much prefer to be told, and a lie about something like this tends to be much more understood I think... It'll calm you down too I imagine!