Girl Friend was sexually assaulted and I need advice

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I want some help on this issue!

I've been going out with my GF almost 10 months. When we were around 5 months into the relationship my GF told me she was sexually assaulted by her ex. As far as I know, he spent time in prison (a few days, happened outside Ireland) but case was dropped.

Anyway, I have been worried since January about the lack of sex in our relationship. We are both in our 20's and would have sex maybe every 10-12 days and it is currently 14 days since we had sex.

She told me initially the lack of sex was because she was overweight (she MAY be marginally) but on Thursday she told me it had just donned on her it was also because of the assault by her ex which happened 15 months ago. I reassured her and told her to take her time until she was ready to have sex again. She said she thought she was over it but she isn't. I have sent her web links to organisation's to help her with this.

This is all and well but deep down I've been quite frustrated at the lack of sex. The last time we had sex (2 weeks ago) she initiated it and I said "No" jokingly and she immediately got pissed-off but I told her I was joking and we did it, but when I initiated anything previously she "wasn't in the mood". Its like she picked and chose.

Anyway, surely there is help put there for the partners as well of the victims and it has an impact on them too. I dont mean to make this into a big deal as just being about sex only but it is an important part of a relationship.

Any advice people? Thank You

Mr. Incognito

I dont want to sound harsh or insensitive but if she is not seeking treatment you should break up.

Twenty is too young to be trapped in a sexless relationship.

Rubberchikken

your gf says she was sexually assaulted by her ex. this is an extremely serious thing to happen to anyone and can and will affect a person in many ways.

do you know if she has received counselling? if she hasn't, then i'd suggest you speak to her about considering it. take care of her. she has gone through a bad time and is in need of support.

nikkibikki

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I dont want to sound harsh or insensitive but if she is not seeking treatment you should break up.

Twenty is too young to be trapped in a sexless relationship.

A teeny bit drastic IMO! Maybe he loves her/cares deeply for her (OP, I think it's clear that you do!) and wants to help and support her through a difficult time in her life!

OP, I am sure if you called the Rape Crisis Centre they would surely counsel you also as her partner.

Catari Jaguar

CryForHelp wrote: »

This is all and well but deep down I've been quite frustrated at the lack of sex. The last time we had sex (2 weeks ago) she initiated it and I said "No" jokingly and she immediately got pissed-off but I told her I was joking and we did it, but when I initiated anything previously she "wasn't in the mood". Its like she picked and chose.

Why on earth would you jokingly say no?? Do you know how much courage it takes her to try to be intimate with you? She probably feels insecure and guilty enough already without needing to think you've gone off her or upset with her about it.

Of course it's her picking and choosing. She was the one who was sexually assaulted. Can you get that into your head? Maybe, just maybe, it was traumatic or upsetting or a scary time for her? It's not just that she "wasn't in the mood"

Pawwed Rig

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Why on earth would you jokingly say no?? Do you know how much courage it takes her to try to be intimate with you? She probably feels insecure and guilty enough already without needing to think you've gone off her or upset with her about it.

Because in relationships you can joke around with each other. Everything doesn't have to be sanitised to the extent that it will meet the approval of folk on the internet. It is normal behaviour OP.
I agree with those who recommended counselling but it may also be the case that she just has a low sex drive.

silverfeather

I think it's more to do with the person and the couple. It could be you remind her of it in some ways.

Some people she will be sexually comfortable with some not. It takes a lot of maturity to deal with that. Not many have the sensitivity and life experience necessary.

She will get over it. I can't say when or how.

You are very young to be dealing with this.

Been there it's really tough...she will be ready to be happy someday :-)

Est28

Since you guys DO have sex but just not very often, I'm not overly inclined to buy that this is about her ex.

To be honest, and this will be hard to hear, she's either not as into you as you are her, but maybe just likes having a "nice" boyfriend. Or you're just not doing it for her when it comes to sex.

The fact that she likes sex but just not so often isn't really indicative of the problems from her ex that you mention.

However, on the ex thing.... I'd be very cautious here. It sounds odd... something happened her, the story is vague and he "spend a day in jail or something" but in another country so it's not like you could know for sure? All sounds a bit, er....

Look, if something like that happened her, then that's aweful. But also realize it's not your responsibility to "fix" her. DON'T be that guy. On the other hand... since she does like sex, but not with you often, is that REALLY it? I mean, we've all had the girlfriend who got our sympathy telling us how HORRIBLE her ex was, only to turn around and say the same things about us when we broke up. How much of it can you take on face value?

Honestly, I'd get out. Now.
Even if none of the above matters or is right. You're not compatible. Go find someone who is.

b_mac2

Est28 wrote: »

Since you guys DO have sex but just not very often, I'm not overly inclined to buy that this is about her ex.

To be honest, and this will be hard to hear, she's either not as into you as you are her, but maybe just likes having a "nice" boyfriend. Or you're just not doing it for her when it comes to sex.

The fact that she likes sex but just not so often isn't really indicative of the problems from her ex that you mention.

However, on the ex thing.... I'd be very cautious here. It sounds odd... something happened her, the story is vague and he "spend a day in jail or something" but in another country so it's not like you could know for sure? All sounds a bit, er....

Look, if something like that happened her, then that's aweful. But also realize it's not your responsibility to "fix" her. DON'T be that guy. On the other hand... since she does like sex, but not with you often, is that REALLY it? I mean, we've all had the girlfriend who got our sympathy telling us how HORRIBLE her ex was, only to turn around and say the same things about us when we broke up. How much of it can you take on face value?

Honestly, I'd get out. Now.
Even if none of the above matters or is right. You're not compatible. Go find someone who is.

Thats is some excellent bit of advice.
OP, you would be well following it.

whatismyname

Just wanted to add my two cents, and think that I'd be careful if I was you not to presume that cos you have sex sometimes, that it's not about the sexual assault she experienced.

That sounds, in my opinion, like looking at it very rationally... which may make sense... but the affects of sexual assault aren't necessarily just a rational thing.

If the girl says she's been assaulted, that's a serious thing, and I'd definitely be believing her, but it'd be an unrealistic conclusion to make that because you both have sex sometimes that the issue isn't about the assault.

It's not all that black and white, and the after effects of assault can be quite complex. I'm not gonna start guessing what may be the issue(s) here, as only she can know that (and she may not even know herself) but there can be various issues for assault survivors, even things like triggers, little smells, words, etc that bring back the assault.... issues around control and someone else taking that away, even fancing the pants off your current partner and being madly in love with them, and even loving and enjoying sex, but at times dependent on where your head is at, it just is too much of a reminder of the assault, if the person hasn't processed the trauma of it.

There can be all kinds of things, but I'm not aware of anything that would suggest that an abuse or assault survivor being ok with sex sometimes but not others, suggesting that the issue isn't necessarily about the past abuse or assault.

Note I am of course saying the words not 'necessarily'. It may be, it may not be... but currently that's what she's saying, and that's what needs listened to...

Also, the suggestion by some of ditch her cos you're too young for a sexless relationship... that'll be for yourself to decide... but I would hope that for a partner of an assault survivor they would not just write the person off. For any person who's been abused or assaulted, there is still so much hope for working through their issues, and getting the help they need. If the girl has issues around sex right now, there is absolutely no reason to think that it'll will always be like that. But she can overcome the issues with the right help, I am pretty sure of that.

And I don't think it's about 'fixing' her that's what professionals are for, but having people who care and support around the person can make the world of difference.

In terms of it being like she 'picks and chooses' that makes a lot of sense to me. If she's previously been sexually assaulted and just realised that she's not over it, chances are she's been burying the affects to some degree, but when someone sexually assaults you they take control of your own body away from you, so it seems perfectly reasonable that she may 'pick and choose', for some of the reasons I mentioned above, as well as others... but also it may be that without her even realising it, having control of her own body is really important to her right now.

From what I can see, you've taken the right approach - reassuring her, no pressure etc... information on support organisations. And whether or not you two work out, I think it definitely sounds like you've been giving the right type of helpful responses to her.

It must be a very tough situation for you too, and I hope you have support around you, in whatever form that might take.

Here's a link that can be helpful on ways to support a partner who is an abuse survivor: http://www.isas-notts.org.uk/parents-and-carers/ways-to-support.cfm Some may say that that's focused on abuse rather than a single assault. But I've no way of knowing from your post how serious the assault was, but most importantly, what matters most is the effects of the assault, not what happened per se, so I think the link is quite relevant.

In terms of you two not being compatible, I just don't think there is enough information on your OP to tell that one way or another... and it's also hard to tell how serious the relationship is generally etc.

You are absolutely right that sex is (usually) a big part of a relationship.

But one other thing I thought might be worth adding, is that sexual assault is rarely about sex. So while the lack of sex in your relationship is clearly an issue for your relationship, the issues behind it are unlikely to be about sex itself as such. Not sure how good a job I can do of explaining. But if it is related to the sexual assault, then for her it's about trauma, about a devastating experience, about something painful that happened that she hasn't recovered from, and her emotions related to it... so not sex as such... it's likely to be about so much more than just sex, if you know what I mean. So while the lack of sex in your relationship is clearly a big issue, I don't think the primary issue behind that is sex, and I don't think that is the primary focus needing addressing, although sounds like you probably already know this.

Best of luck to you both with this OP.

mapaca

Is she getting counselling? If not, I would encourage her to do this. Rape crisis centres can also offer advice and guidance to supporters of abuse victims. Contact your local one for info. Or check out the RCNI website.

I don't mean to be harsh but your post comes across as quite insensitive. Getting over the trauma of a sexual assault can be a long and complicated process. It's quite normal that her feelings about sex and intimacy will be all over the place. A bit of patience and understanding from you will go a long way.

MagicMarker

Well, I wasn't expecting that OP after reading the thread title. Title should be changed to "GF was sexually assaulted and now doesn't have sex as much, what can I do to make it better for ME ME ME ME?".

MagicMarker

MagicMarker wrote: »

Well, I wasn't expecting that OP after reading the thread title. Title should be changed to "GF was sexually assaulted and now doesn't have sex as much, what can I do to make it better for ME ME ME ME?".

To be fair, his helping her can benefit him too. It's not unfair for him to look at his personal gains alongside hers.

I really do think that you should try and convince her to get some professional help

Est28

whatismyname wrote: »

In terms of you two not being compatible, I just don't think there is enough information on your OP to tell that one way or another... and it's also hard to tell how serious the relationship is generally etc.

Certainly, I'm sure OP would argue there are other parts of the relationship that are worth it, but that also comes hand in hand with being fixated on someone.

The advice here was to HELP the OP. He's young, he's with a girl who has SOME sort of issues, whether they are things that happened her, or in her head (we don't know this for sure which it is!!!), and he is taking the burden of being unhappy in the relationship, or not getting what HE values from the relationship while being giving the task of essentially catering to HER and all HER needs.

Honestly, if this was just about what to make for breakfast in the morning, she wants it her way, and the OP is not getting what he needs out of the relationship. The things she's told him are an emotional crutch to keep him there being "nice" to her while she gives nothing back.

Sorry, this all sounds vey naive and like someone scorned themselves to say a young guy needs all this in his life. He's young, he should be enjoying life, meeting people and finding out what works for him in relationships. Not being burdened with all this and being unhappy.

The advice to leave was to help the OP be happy. The advice you're giving here to to label him a bad guy if he looks after number 1 first, which is NOT fair.

Est28

MagicMarker wrote: »

Well, I wasn't expecting that OP after reading the thread title. Title should be changed to "GF was sexually assaulted and now doesn't have sex as much, what can I do to make it better for ME ME ME ME?".

That's very insensitive. So because the OP met this girl. He is now bound for life to remain in a relationship he is not happy in because she is emotionally blackmailing him with this?

Everyone has their problems. He can offer to be there for her and help and he HAS. But I've not read that she is helping herself here. The OP is not wrong for wanting what he wants from a relationship. Making him feel bad and guilty for looking after himself and his own needs is horrible.

He's not married 50 years, he's a young kid seeing a girl for the past few months, he doesn't need all this.

PinkLemonade

Est28 wrote: »

That's very insensitive. So because the OP met this girl. He is now bound for life to remain in a relationship he is not happy in because she is emotionally blackmailing him with this?

Everyone has their problems. He can offer to be there for her and help and he HAS. But I've not read that she is helping herself here. The OP is not wrong for wanting what he wants from a relationship. Making him feel bad and guilty for looking after himself and his own needs is horrible.

He's not married 50 years, he's a young kid seeing a girl for the past few months, he doesn't need all this.

Emotional blackmail? can you clarify where the OP said this? ?

no one is suggesting that the OP has to stay with the girl, but the way you describe her is actually disgusting

whatismyname

Est28 wrote: »

The advice you're giving here to to label him a bad guy if he looks after number 1 first, which is NOT fair.

The advice I gave was VERY very different, and way more complex than that. Sorry to hear that's all you got out of it, and of course that you took things out of the OP's post that he didn't say.

silverfeather

Look OP there is only a certain amount you can do.

I have been through what your GF has. Sex is only a small part of it. There is a whole emotional mental side to this.

Sending her links online is highly inappropriate that type of thing is better done in person.

There are a couple of things you can do to get around the sex hurdle.

Give her control...i don't mean of when and where. I mean in the bedroom. Ask her if there are any particular things that are 'reminders' or off bounds. She might need or prefer to be able to see where you are she might not like to have her hair touched or to put it up. I know a lot of women who prefer to cut their hair short after.

I am going to be honest here. Put things into perspective. What is the biggest life issue...a trauma vrs a relationship in your 20's that probably will not be there in five years time. You will probably not be in this girls life in a years time.

15 months is not that long. I can tell you she will come out the other side of it but focusing on the sexual side of things tells me you have not even talked to her about the emotional side of things. Which tells me you are possibly not in a position to be with her.

Perhaps you both need to look out for no 1 and move on.

It's very possible to come out the other side. It's worth it too. Maybe that should be her priority.

I can tell you and your GF it's possible to enjoy sex again and feel totally like yourself again. But that is ONE aspect of it.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies people,

A few things though, what happened in the assault, well it seem's to me that it was mutual sex that went wrong and she thought he tried to infect her with an STD by her also was very rough on her (she was badly bruised) and was on medication after which made her very ill.

At the start of our relationship, which was long distance, I got the impression she had a high sex drive but like I said, she moved near me in January and she said it just donned in her lately the the lack of sex was due to the assault.

I have asked her about triggers and how it has effected her emotionally.

I really love her and its mutual and want to be with her forever asnd she says the same to me, I in my late 20s she's also approaching her late 20's.

Est28

CryForHelp wrote: »

Thank you for the replies people,

A few things though, what happened in the assault, well it seem's to me that it was mutual sex that went wrong and she thought he tried to infect her with an STD by her also was very rough on her (she was badly bruised) and was on medication after which made her very ill.

At the start of our relationship, which was long distance, I got the impression she had a high sex drive but like I said, she moved near me in January and she said it just donned in her lately the the lack of sex was due to the assault.

I have asked her about triggers and how it has effected her emotionally.

I really love her and its mutual and want to be with her forever asnd she says the same to me, I in my late 20s she's also approaching her late 20's.

For your own good several people here have suggested this might be a good relationship for you and that you should look after yourself and get out now.

Others here, chose to feed into the dramas and moralities of situations they don't understand and wish to make you feel bad if you don't stay.

I find it difficult to really "get" the story of your GF here, but that aside, it sounds like a bad situation. She has some sort of issues, is unwilling to address them correctly and you are the one actually having the play the white knight and trying to "save" her or do whatever you're doing, being unhappy in a relationship because she's managed to convince you you're in "love".
This doesn't sound like love at all, it sounds like she's got you wrapped around her little finger and needs to sort out her issues.

Believe me, there are plenty much more stable and less draining people out there. You sound very needy and lonely as if you think you won't get anyone else if you leave her which is untrue but very sad you're being made feel that way.

I'm a little hot on this topic because I was through something very similar when I was younger. I won't go into the details though but I got out, I ran far away from that girl.

mapaca

Est28, with all due respect, you seem to be reading things into this situation that the OP hasn't made reference to at all. I can't see where the OP has said that she is emotionally blackmailing him or forcing him to try and "fix" her issues. I don't see where anyone says he HAS to stay with her forever now. He asked for advice on how to help her because he loves her and wants to help her. That's how I read it anyway.

OP, you still haven't mentioned whether she has sought counselling or help from her GP (for example). I think this would be a good first step. Bear in mind it can also be a difficult first step to take.

LegacyUser

She is getting counselling on another issue and she also said she would mention it the incident to her councilor.

I have also given her number for help group's in the region - there isn't much more I can do but I will be disappointed if she doesn't take the help.

Est28

mapaca wrote: »

I can't see where the OP has said that she is emotionally blackmailing him or forcing him to try and "fix" her issues. I don't see where anyone says he HAS to stay with her forever now. He asked for advice on how to help her because he loves her and wants to help her. That's how I read it anyway.

On this part. Is the victim of this sort of emotional abuse ever the first to realise it? Of course not!
Sure, I'm speculating her intentions are not so good here just as you as speculating you ARE good, so we're all entitled to our opinions.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has issues which they are trying to cover up, ignore, not help themselves with and push it all on you? I hope not because it is emotionally draining.

At the end of the day, OP sounds like a decent upstanding guy that he'd rather try help his GF than walk out but there has to be a line in the sand. He's no getting what he needs from a relationship but he's afraid to leave and is convincing himself despite this, he's in love. Yes, he's a good guy, but he deserves to be happy in the long run. She KNOWS this and knows she can lean on him and he won't push what HE wants in the relationship. If he did? Well... I can only speculate what will happen but I'll hold back from going there.

Poor guy. There's millions of people out there who'd treat him better and have HIS interests in mind as much as his own. I wish this thread led to him seeing that, and not being made feel like a bad guy when if anything he's being TOO nice here.

mapaca

Well we will have to agree to disagree then. She is attending counselling and has acknowledged his issues in the relationship and plans to address these in her therapy. I think he is right to cut her some slack because of the serious trauma she has been through. You think she is using her issues to trap him in an abusive relationship. We all have our own opinions.

OP, best of luck with it all. Hope our replies have been helpful.

zeffabelli

Deleted User wrote: »

To be fair, his helping her can benefit him too. It's not unfair for him to look at his personal gains alongside hers.

I really do think that you should try and convince her to get some professional help

He wants her to get professional help so he can have more sex!!

Seriously OP, sending links...!! for a sexual trauma....can you not see the insensitivity in that?

silverfeather

You realize her attending counseling at THIS time at first in the short term can actually bring stuff up and make her more sensitive and less likely to want sex at some points. It can make her more emotional.

Some men are fine with this ...some are not. You don't seem to me to be the type to really get it. I disagree with EST you have a very limited understanding of this and are totally victim blaming.

Her going on the journey of healing can make things seem like they are getting worse before they get better. I think the OP will look back on this in a few years and feel guilty. Just saying keep your own conscience light. I think you should move on. You are not in love with this girl.

You should move on now.

LegacyUser

I cannot believe the last two replies.

Sending her to get help on being sexually assaulted so I in turn can get more sex?

OMG Listen to yourselves.

I am doing this because I love the girl and have done everything I can to help her, so what if I sent her links. She was happy to get them and I certainly do not feel guilty. Yes I am frustrated about the lack of sex but I'll get over it, her health is more important.

I know I will not agree with everyone's opinion on this but them last two post were so wrong its unreal.

nikkibikki

For what it's worth OP, I didn't get the same impression as those posters from you at all.

Hope you and your girlfriend get through this.

LegacyUser

OP

I had a similar experience to you. My current wife was seriously sexually assaulted on two seperate occasions when she was a child.

We started going out when we were young, she was 18 and I was 22 and it took her a long time to get over the trauma of those attacks. She used to to into an almost catatonic state sometimes re-living her experience. I remember her curled up on the bed shaking and crying for hours, and all I could do to help her was to be there and stroke her hair and hold her when she let me.

If you really love this woman, you just need to be there for her to help her through the process of dealing with what happened to her.

My wife hasn't had those flashbacks in years now and we have a normal healthy sex life, but it took time and patience and understanding to help her feel loved and safe and to know that she can trust you.