Suspicious about girlfriend

LegacyUser

Just want to see what people think.

Going out with the GF nearly 6 months now. Everything on the surface is going great-- shes a joy to be around the little time I have off from work we spend together (usually mid week as I work weekends Fri-Wed morning).

My shift pattern has changed the last month so I haven't gone out the weekend wither since March.

The problem is I'm starting to not trust her after a few suspicious actions.

First Instance happened when she was staying with me one night about a month ago.

Basically she thought I was asleep about 5;45-5;50am- I actually woke up because I could feel movement along side me-- turns out she was using her phone.
I stayed in bed a could kind of see her leaning over the side of the bed using her phone for about 5-10mins.

She got a txt reply then at which point I got up out of bed to use the toilet. She was a little surprised and had said she was setting her alarm.

That was the first time she lied to me. She doesn't use internet on her phone a defo received a txt msg; I'm fully convinced she wasn't setting her alarm all that length of time.

Regardless I had a opportunity to look at her phone later on that day and did not. I felt that this is a risky path to go down and question her actions and ended up having a really nice time that day.

We met recently mid week and again had a great time over the two days. But one thing she said to me was that she had spent the Sat night in a pub with an old college mate and her friend- I thought nothing of it-- then later again as I had been working I was asking her about her free time; as she wasn't really chatty- she had told me she had spent the evening chatting with a friend in coffee shop until midnight.

Later on that night I was curious as to who she was chatting with in a coffee shop as she kind of left it at that and I actually haven't met her friends that much since going out with her so I asked her.

Turns out its a guy she went to college with and had spent the whole night with another friend in the pub where he works, same guy she spent talking to on the Tue night.

So having never heard of this guy mentioned before she was hanging out with him; as I'm a few years older then her I immediately thought "this guy is laying the foundations here with her, or I'm just being paranoid".

So I became a little paranoid about it as I was thinking if I was his age I know what my intentions would be when talking to a girl in a coffeeshop till midnight. Like I think this guy trying to get in there, but I have nothing to base it on only suspicion.

The worst part was that, I succumbed to paranoia and looked at her phone. I was a little surprised as there was zero evidence of correspondence between this guy and her.

I felt quite guilty doing this actually, but I felt compelled too. I could only assume she deleted her communication with this guy, other msgs were still there to other friends-- I just thought shes met up with this guy twice in the last few days and there is no msgs or phone logs of any arranging to meet.

I just came to the conclusion that she must have deleted msgs or logs as how else would she have been able to arrange to meet him? She doesn't have a facebook and they don't live close by to each other.

Anyways I just want some feedback really. I know she has feelings for me and even when we departed the other night she sent me a sweet txt msg to me about missing me and having feelings etc which she wouldn't have done before.

In some respects she is a little naive, for instance before I knew her she had weight issues which she lost. She basically a very stunning looking young woman who didn't really go out with or sleep with anyone whilst she had weight issues, so shes only in the last year shes starting to get a lot of attention from guys in pubs.

I just don't know if I can trust her period. Even with all the niceties in our relationship. Should I overlook these instances and forget about them?

HalloweenJack

If you can't trust her, it's something you need to work on. It's not going to go away. Simple as.

DukeOfTheSharp

To be honest, once you go down this path it's not going to get any better. Whether or not she deleted texts or not (chances are she did, was the one that morning you woke up still there?) she's skirting around details and that's her fault. Keeping things, however small - even if they're seemingly insignificant - from a partner is just not on. In my experience, the truth always comes out in the end, no matter how careful the person is. She doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth, so honestly there's no point being with her. Simply tell her that you know she received a text in the middle of the night, she's vague on details about her nights out - and I'm assuming she hasn't been prior to this - and you simply can't be with someone who's that immature. And that's what it is: immaturity. I always stick to the principal that even if something seems insignificant, there's no harm in saying it. People who don't do that aren't worth spending time with, because there'll always be an angle, always something they aren't saying. It'll drive you made and your paranoia will be their excuse to keep doing it, they feel like they can play off everything due to the paranoia they instill in you. Avoid that, and find someone honest.

IlmoNT4

If there is no trust OP then this isnt going to work...and at 6 months in, you should be still both in a loved up stage not snooping on phones and posting to online forums... Lifes too short and she sounds young and probably you are mis matched.

magicmushroom

I don't agree with the whole 'if there's no trust it's not going to work' thing, as if the OP should just automatically trust someone 100%

She has acted suspiciously, and therefore given him reason not to trust her and I feel it's justified based on what he has told us.

The whole being on the phone thing in the middle of the night is strange, not getting a text at that time but the lying about it is. Why do that?

OP, with regards to the fact that you saw no messages from the guy she met with, is it possible she just ran into him when she was out and ended up going for the coffee? That would explain the no messages.
I have to say, I do have friends that are male that I could happily spend the whole night with and guarantee there would be nothing more to it than just friendship - so I wouldn't automatically assume something happened with this guy, however I also understand that the way she has been vague about it all hasn't really helped the situation.

I thing that DukeOfTheSharp makes a good point in that she is being quite immature. Confronting her is a good idea, probably should have been done before you checked her phone (do NOT tell her you done that!) but I can understand why you felt compelled to look at it - I've been there in the past!

I think once you confront her, you will get a gut feeling about if she is being truthful or not. Go with your gut as it's normally right. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Personally I wouldn't agree with the idea of going with your gut instinct....Hindsight is what serves instinct unfortunately from my experience...

Way I see it you have following choices...

-Keep going , say very little, enjoy seeing her, don't ignore anything too obvious but generally hold your emotions about it, (This is easier said than done believe me I know)

-Confront her about it, she will probably use the trust card with you and things will never be the same, she will skillfully work it around to make you look like the bad guy. Trusting someone is the easiest thing to do unless they gave you reason not to.....

The first option will serve you a lot better for her and for other relationships.....Ask her from time if anything is on her mind, do it an "I" way rather than a judging way....

I have been in alot of relationships, very rarely has my intuition being right (even when i thought it was at the time,...Best of luck...)

LegacyUser

Hi op again.

Just a bit of an update on the situation really...

I met we her the yesterday for a drink and we got to talking about friends etc, so I asked her has she made any plans for the week after knowing her roster for the week. I'm working this weekend again so I won't be around (7 weekends straight I've been working in a different county so couldn't go out the wknds) initially she says no..

Then later on I ask her specifically about the friend whom I had initial suspicions about (the dude she had coffee with) so after I specifically ask her about him I ask "was that lad onto recently" then she said yes he was onto her yesterday-- this was after a conversation about college buddies and who we've met up with recently-- she failed to mention that guy at all and said she had no plans

But when I specifically asked her about yer man she said her was onto her yesterday and asked her to go out to his college night next week after there exams are finished. i should note that I'm 30 and she is in her early twenties..

I found that a bit peculuiar as we had just spoken about making plans and she had said she hadn't due to her work schedule, but when asked about yer man she said about the invite out to their college night next week.

i felt that it was almost a lie in some respects what she had said to me earlier as she said she had no plans.. then mentioned this night next week that she might as she said, go to itl


So I just found that a little unusual in the context of a conversation that she would wilt on talking about this chap in a conversation about our friends (as she hasn't met most of my buddies-- I've only met 2 of her friends both female) because I was suggesting that she is welcome to meet all of my friends- so in that context I found her omissions about this guy a bit suspect-- mind you I'm probably just a little too paranoid I don't know...

So what I'm going to do really is invite myself along to this college party thing and meet this guy myself just to suss him out.. That the leat I could do to quell my suspicions. I just need to meet this dude face to face.

I've been in 3 previous relationships over d last 15 years and a always sussed out the guys who were waiting for me to spilt up with my exes over the last 12years so they could have a go. about 5 or six buddies over the years who've dated my exes and thats fair enough, but I always had a particular judge lads and their intentions and I've been proved right,, but I know everything is circumstantial and can be taken out of context too.

So I'm gonna angle to meet this dude all together and just see if hes genuine or what..

Also if I happen to look at her phone again I see no correspondence between herself and this guy Knowing that he has contacted her (through what she has said to me I would presume that she is deliberitely deleting texts for whatever reason, and I would be concerned then.

If she hasn't deleted her correspondence then I would be less suspicious as she has met this guy at least three times in the last week and a half- so surely they would have to be some line of communication to meet at some point.All of her other contacts were intact text and everything. I just find it all a bit dubious

Pippy1976

I think your paranoia is beginning to see things, from an outside perspective, that are not there... inviting yourself to a night out to suss out the guys who are ready to pounce on your girlfriend SCREAMS paranoia.

[there were other things in your post but too much to reference here]

You're effectively missing out on all the great stuff that's going on between you two RIGHT NOW by focussing on things that haven't even happened.

Take a step back. You need to trust your girlfriend until she gives you an obvious reason not to.

*Edit: I'd wager she's holding back on some information because she knows it's going to feed this paranoia of yours - it's not that she's hiding anything, it's just better for your head if she doesn't mention it. I hope that makes sense.

Penny Tration

Your last post is actually scary.

You tried to trick her into lying.
You are convinced something is going on because she got an invite to something? Getting an invite doesn't necessarily mean she's going!
You're planning to invite yourself along to something she may be doing with her friends, where you plan to try telepathically suss out who wants to have sex with her?

And if you see her phone again with deleted texts, you'll know she's lying? So basically, you're planning to go snooping through her phone again, because how else would you see her call and text logs?

Christ almighty just dump the girl and think about why you think these bonkers ideas are normal.

CaraMay

Op what you are doing and thinking is outside the range of normal behaviour. Maybe the guy asked her and she hasn't made plans.

If this girl were my sister I would be really worried for her as your intensity and paranoia is not healthy

MadDog76

Op ......... from a man's perspective, you're totally justified being suspicious ........ do what you have to do to prove your suspicions are valid or to put your mind at ease ......... it's her fault (her shady behaviour) that you're feeling this way, not yours ......... good luck.

Payton

Why would you even think of what you are doing??
If you feel insecure in the relationship well do yourself a huge favor and walk away without the stigma of being called a weirdo, you seem hell bent on finding her out on her goings on...it's her game playing and you don't have to play the game. Life is too short for mind games.
If you don't quit now your going to drag the paranoia into your other relationships and possibly ruin something wonderful.
Get out and be pro active in something to get your head away from this before it consumes you.

tampopo

She certainly seems to be lying by omission alright.

ShaShaBear

I see this ending two ways.

Either you go and find out your missus is planning to cheat, and you break up.
Or you go and find out she isn't planning to cheat and she realises you're a paranoid, possessive and jealous stalker and you break up.