Complete 360 - need advice

LegacyUser

hey guys
i've recently started seeing a guy i met on tinder. we're together about 4 months. all is going really well: he keeps in regular contact, has laid his intentions on the table from the get-go (we're both a bit older so we felt this was important), i knew where is stood with him etc. etc.

recently though i've noticed a change in his behaviour. he doesn't text as much. may not reply to my texts for quite some time. [i know this doesn't sound like a huge deal but compared to before it's a complete turnaround]. he seems a bit off with me & seems distracted... by something or someone. i did ask him was everything o.k. and he said yes and not to think i was to blame for him not being in great form. i let it go. i didn't really want to be creating a situation out of nothing. since then i've realised he's quite stressed / anxious about money - aren't we all. Either way, it feels that he's not as mad about me as he might have initially thought he was. or perhaps i'm over thinking - which is highly likely.

i do understand all that but i still don't get the complete change in how he's being with me. there's definitely something up & i'm not imagining that he's seeming different towards me.

i'd love other people's opinions on this. as i said, i don't want to create a relationship problem by asking & probing as it could, in fact, have nothing to do with me at all. BUT i would like to know what could be the cause.

i dunno - a second opinion is what i'm after!

whiskeyman

how often do you see each other / meet up?
Are you still meeting up as regularly?
There was no mention of that which seemed a bit odd.
I guess only you will really know how things are progressing and to both your expectations.

blatantrereg

I would take it at face value - that he is concerned about improving his financial situation.

It's common for guys to focus on getting money in order to have a stronger foundation for a relationship. This is especially likely if you are both older like you said. Financial stress can badly undermine relationships. There are plenty of guys who are relatively indifferent to money for themselves but are conscious of the impact financial stress can have on a relationship.

If he has expressed any interest in starting a family then I would say this is particularly likely to be the case.

LegacyUser

whiskeyman - we see eachother almost every weekend, or every second one if possible. Yes we're still seeing eachother as regularly as before.

blatantrereg - he has expressed a feeling of 'not sure' about starting a family. it's not really on my radar at the moment either because this relationship is quite new.

i take both of your perspectives on board, thank you. i'm not getting ahead of myself and thinking the worst but was curious as to why guys blow hot & cold sometimes.

Virgil°

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that its not looking so good.

Lack of romantic interest, is not often ,in my opinion anyway, generated by external factors(Unless someone else caught his eye).
It sounds more like he's losing interest than anything else.
I think when someone is genuinely mad about you, you know it. You won't find yourself hmm'ing and hawing about it, second guessing his intentions. If your gut is making you worried about this its probably for good reason.
I could be wrong but that would be my reading of it.

You say hes become distracted and doesn't text you as often anymore. So I'm presuming its you initiating the contact mostly now? What would happen if you just didn't text for a while. Leave the ball in his court to do a bit of the legwork perhaps?

Sorry if its not what you wanted to hear OP

LegacyUser

Virgil° wrote: »

Sorry if its not what you wanted to hear OP

Don't be sorry. It's completely what I needed to hear.

To answer some of your Q's: he does contact me just not as often as before - where he'd reply straight away & text conversations would continue throughout the day. I text him earlier (much earlier) but have not heard back from him yet. I'm going to leave it, as you suggest, and see how it goes.

He does initiate contact but not in the same way. I know I'm not explaining myself very well! It could possibly be that he's losing interest, very likely.

njs030

I agree with the above post, 4 months is very early days and the relationship is still building and should still be exciting. Even if he has other worries it shouldn't be making him pull away from you.

I also suggest coooling off and see what happens, hopefully he will realise and get things back on track!

beks101

Is he still on tinder? Perhaps distracted by another woman on that? Wouldn't be uncommon at all, it's kind of how it works from what I hear of it.

silverfeather

I would say he is not that into you.

And yes possibly still on tinder etc.

If he laid his intentions out bare it can lull you into something. Sorry OP
If he isn't making an effort the feelings generally are just not there.

CaraMay

Pull back a bit op. If he is going through a hard time then give him space to figure out what he needs to.

If you are not happy with what you are getting in this relationship then you need to figure out what you need to do. Forget about asking if he is happy - ask if you are happy.

thalia_13

I recently walked away from a very similar situation, everything you wrote, I could have too. He said he was sorry, that yes he had pulled away, but it wasnt going to happen again.
Well it did, and I was sick of feeling so sad and not worth his time. So I left him to it.
Actions speak louder than words, if he is not texting and making you feel unimportant, then best to leave it. He might try explain away why he dropped off contact and attempt to rectify it , but I guarantee you he will resume same behaviour again.

And i know its only 4 months or so, but I bet youdo really like him, and this is really upsetting you. I cried for days walking away from the same situation. Ultimately I knew it was the best choice for my own sanity.

As all my friends said, you deserve better!!

IlmoNT4

Seriously OP this is how my last relationship started and he burned 4 years of my life with his, I'm not sure, I dunno what I want, I'm stressed, things are good right now,I want you, I want my freedom, ignore text messages, disappear for days.... etc etc

If a guy isnt in to you, then he isnt ..move on and dont burn your precious time on him

4 months is super early days and you both should be having lots of fun not wondering what if... if this is the right person for you, then this shouldnt be happening.... If its money stuff thats getting him down, then have a talk with him...but I think you probably already know the answer. I'd talk to him and then decided if you want to continue, you have to do whats right for you.

LegacyUser

So I finally got to nub of the issue on Friday night: it appears to be a combination of work, money, no holidays & generally feeling fed up with everything. He also mentioned that he has the tendency to 'get down' now & again & wondered if that was going to be a problem for me. I said it wouldn't, as long as I know it's in his nature & has nothing to do with me or our relationship in essence.

As far as him being on Tinder is concerned, well I can't tell because I'm not on it anymore and really would be reluctant to sign up again just so I can check up on him. I trust him & I'd like to keep it that way.

Talking to him on Friday really helped and while there is far more to it than what I mentioned above at least I know what's on his mind & now he knows he can share it with me. As many of you said, it has only been 4 months & for the most part (disregarding this past week) everything really is great & fresh & new & exciting. I guess maybe we're still wary of 'over-sharing' when we're feeling blue as we're still in the honeymoon period where we're trying to put our best 'selves' forward.

Thanks for all your help & advice. It helped me enormously.

CaraMay

Sounds like you are taking on a lot there op. Good it goes well for you

thalia_13

Just be careful, it sounds exactly like the reasons my ex kept giving me, at around the 4 month mark too. Blamed everything else but his own behaviour. Expected me to just consistently accept his excuses.
We ended up having the same conversation over and over, me feeling ignored and badly treated, him saying oh its this that the other reason, him rectifying behaviour briefly then it would start all over again.

Just protect yourself. I never anticipated that after such an amazing start to relationship that I would be left here crying, heart broken and feeling so let down. Make sure he is as interested in you as you are in him. Otherwise you become another thing on his list, and you will not ever be given any semblance of priority.

dove2011

thalia_13 wrote: »

I recently walked away from a very similar situation, everything you wrote, I could have too. He said he was sorry, that yes he had pulled away, but it wasnt going to happen again.
Well it did, and I was sick of feeling so sad and not worth his time. So I left him to it.
Actions speak louder than words, if he is not texting and making you feel unimportant, then best to leave it. He might try explain away why he dropped off contact and attempt to rectify it , but I guarantee you he will resume same behaviour again.

And i know its only 4 months or so, but I bet youdo really like him, and this is really upsetting you. I cried for days walking away from the same situation. Ultimately I knew it was the best choice for my own sanity.

As all my friends said, you deserve better!!

I just finished with a man yesterday similar to your situation. ... he was all about me the first few weeks.. then we had a misunderstanding via texts & he began distancing himself from me.. he started saying not nice things to me & only given me short notice when we were going on a date.. I said enough was enough.. been tears since but i had to put value on myself & unfortunately he did not see my value...