shyness in big groups is ruining my life!

LegacyUser

Now that I think about it, this problem is why I'm such an anxious guy with low self-esteem - I simply cannot socialize in big groups. Thus I rarely ever connect with people. It limits my life.

I'm not sure why I can't do it. I've always been rather shy. Last time I wasn't this way was when I was around 15 years old. That was 9/years ago.

I'll give the perfect example of my problem. Right now, I'm travelling alone. I'm working as well and staying in a kind of working hostel. In this hostel everybody sits around 2 big tables when they wanna socialise and eat. This is my worst nightmare. I avoid it at all costs and even eat in my room. That's how uncomfortable big groups make me. The problem is everyone clearly thinks I'm a recluse or freak for hiding in my room. I cannot ever connect with people here But I can't help it. The resistance to plonk my arse at the table smack bang in the middle of everyone and start talking is too strong.


Maybe it is fear of being judged, but even a lot of the time I actually do wanna be alone. I'm a horrendous mix of shy and introverted. In my last job I was the same. I never went out for lunch or anything in big groups for the exact same reason. My confidence is too low to speak in Front of more than 2 or 3 people at once. Thus I spent my last job alone a lit of the time.

Sorry for rambling I just don't know how the hell I can fix this. Severe shyness along with a general desire to be alone means I live my life pretty much in my own space. The annoying thing is that I'm pretty sure most people who meet me (one to one) think I'm a really nice friendly person.

I have only ever found one solution to my problem and that is alcohol but clearly it isn't a healthy solution. After a few drinks I turn to Mr. Life of the party. What else can I do to give me the same confidence? I've read a plethora of self help books and internet articles but nothing ever stops the resistance to be social. Thanks for reading.

As someone who suffered from (and sometimes still suffers with) social anxiety, here's what I would do when in big groups -

Just because you're in a big group, doesn't mean you don't have to start chatting to absolutely every person at the same time. Focus on just one or two people and have a conversation with them. Then move on to someone else. Talk to them, get to know them. Rinse and repeat. It gives the illusion that you're interacting with everyone, but realistically you're not.

Say if you're talking to Person A and you can see that Person B and Person C is getting interested, continue talking to Person A, but look between Person B and C too, so they feel included. They might get involved, but at least they feel like you're interacting with them. If they don't get involved, you can keep talking with Person A as if nothing changed. If you're talking to numerous people at once and they're all involved, just continue talking as if you were talking to Person A, but glance around at the others. Pause every so often to allow others to say something. This might allow for others to split up into their own conversations.

The important thing is that you don't look at being in large groups as just one huge embodiment, but instead as several smaller chunks. As someone who also loves having their own space, I completely get where you're coming from.

silverfeather

I know it must not be nice to experience. But I have always liked shy people. I am drawn to them. Don't apologize for who you are.

Sometimes trying relaxation techniques can help. Alchohol is really just a relaxer....and you said it does relax you obviously it's not the way to go..but it shows it helps.

Muscle relaxation techniques. Calm breathing or 'diaphragmatic breathing' is a breathing technique used to slow down and control breathing.I learnt that in Drama and for singing. Short breath breathing causes more anxiety.

Talk to one person at a time.


I vizualize a bubble within which I am safe and sound. No bad energy can pass through. But I can talk to people.

noway12345

Alc0h0l really w0rks but it's n0t the answer 0bvi0sly. I'm 0n medicati0n f0r what y0u have. I've been 0n a few and alth0ugh they help s0mewhat they are n0t a cure either. S0rry I d0n't really have advice f0r y0u and s0rry f0r the 0's, my real 0 key is br0ken.

I wish y0u luck and if y0u find a s0luti0n c0me back and share it!

bee06

[Deleted User] wrote: »

As someone who suffered from (and sometimes still suffers with) social anxiety, here's what I would do when in big groups -

Just because you're in a big group, doesn't mean you don't have to start chatting to absolutely every person at the same time. Focus on just one or two people and have a conversation with them. Then move on to someone else. Talk to them, get to know them. Rinse and repeat. It gives the illusion that you're interacting with everyone, but realistically you're not.

Say if you're talking to Person A and you can see that Person B and Person C is getting interested, continue talking to Person A, but look between Person B and C too, so they feel included. They might get involved, but at least they feel like you're interacting with them. If they don't get involved, you can keep talking with Person A as if nothing changed. If you're talking to numerous people at once and they're all involved, just continue talking as if you were talking to Person A, but glance around at the others. Pause every so often to allow others to say something. This might allow for others to split up into their own conversations.

The important thing is that you don't look at being in large groups as just one huge embodiment, but instead as several smaller chunks. As someone who also loves having their own space, I completely get where you're coming from.

This is great advice and exactly what I used to do. When I was your age I would go bright red if I had to talk in front of a big group even in front of people I knew all my life. I used to try and avoid those situations as a teenager but realised in my twenties that I couldn't live my life like that. So I started with baby steps. Talk to one person in the group quietly and then try and expand the group I was talking to as I got more confidence. 10 years later and I'm so much more comfortable talking in front of big groups.

Rubberchikken

it won't be fixed in one go or one trip.
i think it's something you'll have to work on little by little.

start small with a group. sit there. eat, drink, and listen to what's going on around you. leave when you're ready.
repeat this a number of times. after a while you'll start to see a difference.

i'll be honest and say it won't be easy. if you find the strength to start doing it, and you can, you probably won't feel comfortable at all but just imagine how you'll feel after you've done it.

keep that thought in your head as you keep on trying. it's all about practice and giving it a fair chance. others at the table may be feeling similiar but maybe able to hide it better. if you want to be able to achieve this, you have to work at it.

good luck