What to do

LegacyUser

I recently have been asked out by a guy I met him through a business deal, I was instantly attracted to him and I was picking up vibes that he was flirting with me, but he was wearing a ring but it had a stone in it it def wasn't a wedding band anyway business deal over he had to take my contact number as he had to get back to me about something
Anyway long story short there was a few texts sent over and back he told me he wasn't married but he does have 4 kids and the youngest is a baby
And it gets trickier he still lives with his ex but he swears they are broken up
I really don't know if I should Persue this or run a mile

magicmushroom

I was still living with my ex when I met my current partner, was purely due to the fact that my ex had trouble finding somewhere else to live for a while.

However I would still say run a mile as the whole new baby thing is something I would never want to get involved in.
Dating a man who has children is hard enough (I speak from experience) but a baby? Oh God I can only imagine...no, don't do it. Not worth it!!

LegacyUser

I would have to echo this advice, its a lot to start off with, especially when you don't know for sure, I'm assuming from your post you're based down the country, it depends on how happy you are with him and also finding out 100% what his ex situation is.....

You didn't mention your age, I'm assuming you're mid 30s.......Do you plan on having kids yourself?? Is this part of the possible attraction (I mean that in best possible way)

mapaca

Sounds like the typical line trotted out by a married/attached person looking to cheat, to be honest. It's up there with "my wife doesn't understand me".

DeltaWhite

Life is complicated enough, no point in adding more worries to your life with some bloke who has the baggage of 4 children and is still shacked up with his ex.. I would not find that enjoyable at all! It's your choice OP but personally I'd have ran about 10 miles away from that bloke by now!

LegacyUser

If you like him enough to want to say yes, then tell him you'll be happy to see him as once he's moved out. If he wants to see you, he'll make the effort, if he doesn't then he won't. If he tells you he can't, or at least not yet, then best avoid or your questions and misgivings about the living arrangements will only multiply and you won't be able to relax and enjoy dating him.

strobe

If I was gonna cheat on my wife and kids that'd be how I'd do it all right. Very tricky to keep the fact you've a missus and kids at home, particularly if you've met the person through work. It's gonna come out if they do any kind of asking around whatsoever. Then there's Facebook etc, and the fact you'd never be able to bring them back to your place, that'd rumble you. But "Oh we're well broken up, definitely not sleeping together, still living together for the sake of the kids though, ye know?", that solves all those problems in one quick sweep if the person buys it.

Of course he may be telling the truth also, it's possible, I'm sure that situation exists. But, I'm pretty sure the above situation exists more frequently tbh. Plus you know, what a messy situation even if it does turn out to be true. He's a baby at home? So he was in a relationship with her at most (could be a lot less) only about a year ago and they have four kids together, so have been together realistically maybe 7+ years at an absolute minimum? Not at all unlikely they'd be back together at some point in the quite immediate future, whether he's started seeing you or not.

I think you'd be mental tbh.

CaraMay

Does he wear the ring on his weddîng finger? It could be an engagement ring....

The advice above is good - run

bjork

He has 4 kids and and "ex-wife" at home

Has he any plans to move out?

maria34

First of 4 kids one of them is a baby? If they have broken up it might be temporary. But i doubt so ... Anyhow he cant bring u home and to his parents too problably ... And so on. Do u need that?

I assume u want your own child with someone in years to come? Hmmm he wont have a penny left to pay for himself even ... Sure wife keeps the house and so on.

But yes baby story is like walking on a very thin ice ... Sure u are worth more.

LegacyUser

I would not get involved with this man. He told you he is not married yet has 4 children and one of them is a baby. His partner/wife had a baby so he may not have a sex life.
Being honest he wants to have a **** buddy situation with you. He won't leave her and will trot out any number of lines - I am not married, we live together for the sake of the children and we don't have sex anymore.

He will keep feeding you different lines. If he splits up from the mother of his 4 children she will get the house and most of his income to bring up his children. Long term even if he moves out he can't afford to rent a nice place. Due to all his out goings long term you won't have any spare cash. The reality is that you may not be able to save money to get a mortage or to buy a house with him.

Why sell yourself short for a man like this? I know at times it is hard being single when everyone else seems to be in a couple but unless you value yourself who else will.

LegacyUser

Hey thank you all for the advice
I really think it's too much baggage and I do want kids of my own it just feels like this guy has done it all
It's a pity because he is gorgeous and has a lot of traits I find attractive
He's really my type and he's savvy and very successful

💔

LegacyUser

Friendindeed wrote: »

I would have to echo this advice, its a lot to start off with, especially when you don't know for sure, I'm assuming from your post you're based down the country, it depends on how happy you are with him and also finding out 100% what his ex situation is.....

You didn't mention your age, I'm assuming you're mid 30s.......Do you plan on having kids yourself?? Is this part of the possible attraction (I mean that in best possible way)

I'm 30 and yes I do want kids im sure he prob has enough at this stage lol
It's such a pity because I really fancy him

LegacyUser

maria34 wrote: »

First of 4 kids one of them is a baby? If they have broken up it might be temporary. But i doubt so ... Anyhow he cant bring u home and to his parents too problably ... And so on. Do u need that?

I assume u want your own child with someone in years to come? Hmmm he wont have a penny left to pay for himself even ... Sure wife keeps the house and so on.

But yes baby story is like walking on a very thin ice ... Sure u are worth more.

Very true

ABajaninCork

Fullxerthom wrote: »

Hey thank you all for the advice
I really think it's too much baggage and I do want kids of my own it just feels like this guy has done it all
It's a pity because he is gorgeous and has a lot of traits I find attractive
He's really my type and he's savvy and very successful

💔

He might well be very savvy and successful. He's also very taken.

Avoid.

grumpynerd

Fullxerthom wrote: »

I recently have been asked out by a guy I met him through a business deal, I was instantly attracted to him and I was picking up vibes that he was flirting with me, but he was wearing a ring but it had a stone in it it def wasn't a wedding band anyway business deal over he had to take my contact number as he had to get back to me about something
Anyway long story short there was a few texts sent over and back he told me he wasn't married but he does have 4 kids and the youngest is a baby
And it gets trickier he still lives with his ex but he swears they are broken up
I really don't know if I should Persue this or run a mile

You should run a mile. He sounds pretty unreliable. Would you have kids with someone who has 4 illegitimate kids in essence? Would you build a relationship where by default youd be in third or fourth position?

CaraMay

grumpynerd wrote: »

You should run a mile. He sounds pretty unreliable. Would you have kids with someone who has 4 illegitimate kids in essence? Would you build a relationship where by default youd be in third or fourth position?

Illegitimate? Haven't heard that obnoxious word since the 1970's. You don't know the circumstances. The mother of the kids could have been married before and going through a divorce. You don't know why they didn't marry but the reality is that he isn't really free.

zeffabelli

This has homewrecker scenario all over it.

Even at best do you really want to be a step mother to four kids.

He has a new baby....who starts a new relationship when they have a new baby....bottom of the barell. Run a mile.

LegacyUser

Hi op here, I wanted to give u an update I met the guy in question today I arranged it so I could find out more about his situation
Ok here goes
The baby is newborn and was planned
He's not planning on moving out any time soon as he wants to help his ex with the kids
She's still in love with him and wants him back but he Said he doesn't want it
His oldest child with his woman is 10
He's asked me wait because his situation will improve
I'm very confused I feel like a bad person for even considering this

mapaca

Who plans having a baby with someone they're not in love with and want to leave? I still think he is feeding you a line. I think his girlfriend is blissfully unaware that they have supposedly "broken up".

You are not a bad person for being tempted by someone you fancy, you are just human! But I think it would be a mistake to get involved with him. He is not the last man left on earth, there are plenty of others out there who are free and single. Best of luck.

zeffabelli

This guy is a complete prick.

MagicMarker

Fullxerthom wrote: »

Hi op here, I wanted to give u an update I met the guy in question today I arranged it so I could find out more about his situation
Ok here goes
The baby is newborn and was planned
He's not planning on moving out any time soon as he wants to help his ex with the kids
She's still in love with him and wants him back but he Said he doesn't want it
His oldest child with his woman is 10
He's asked me wait because his situation will improve
I'm very confused I feel like a bad person for even considering this

You come across as quite desperate tbh. It's very clearly a bad situation to involve yourself in, yet you're doing it anyway.

Just move on. It's only going to end badly.

strobe

Fullxerthom wrote: »

I'm very confused I feel like a bad person for even considering this

A little bit to be honest, yeah. Not like a nazi or anything, but you're considering letting some guy get up on you for a few cheap thrills while his missus is at home recovering from giving birth to his new baby and looking after his other three children, totally unaware. It's not exactly covering yourself in glory.

Come now, you don't actually buy this line of bollox he's feedng you? You don't seem all that gullible. Just looking to justify things to yourself maybe?

Stavro Mueller

I'm not sure whether you're burying your head in the sand or have your head in the clouds. Either way you're clearly not living in the real world. This has disaster written all over it and you are either unwilling or unable to see it.

The guy is in a relationship that has lasted 10+ years and they were happy enough within the last year to plan and conceive a baby. He has also told you he isn't leaving any time soon because he wants to help with the kids. That bring the case, he might not be "leaving" until the baby reaches adulthood in 18 years time.

Even if he is telling the truth about his situation you've got to understand that this man comes with an awful lot of baggage. He isn't a single man but one with four children and a partner. They will always be a part of your life and will be dictating it to a certain extent. You will always come second to the kids. Kids incidentally who will hate your guts for being the bïtch who wrecked their home. The partner may give him hassle. Paying for four kids ain't cheap either so unless he's a wealthy man money is going to be tight.

At 30 years of age you've still got time to meet a nice unattached man and have your kids before you get too old. That'd be a more productive use of your time than pursuing someone who thinks it's OK to have a woman in the side.

As a final comment, have you every heard the saying about when a mistress leaving a vacancy when she becomes a wife?

giggle84

Fullxerthom wrote: »

He's asked me wait because his situation will improve
I'm very confused I feel like a bad person for even considering this

I agree with everyone else's advice that this will never end well. And he sounds like the worst example of a man I've ever heard and I wouldn't encourage you to waste any time on him.

But it kind of sounds like you're going to give him a shot here. So assuming that you can deal with the fact that he has FOUR kids, can I just suggest that instead of waiting around for him, tell him to call you when he's moved out. Put the onus on him to take action if he really wants to pursue things with you. He's the one with all the baggage so he needs to make things as easy for you to deal with as possible, not the other way around.

DeltaWhite

Ok, so how long do you have to wait?

I sincerely hope you aren't considering giving this a go! My god, there are plenty of men out there who are available. He isn't available no matter what he tells you. He's still in family mode with his ex. That is not an available man. And now he's expecting you to sit waiting for him?

Op. Seriously. Run a mile.

zeffabelli

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Ok, so how long do you have to wait?

I sincerely hope you aren't considering giving this a go! My god, there are plenty of men out there who are available. He isn't available no matter what he tells you. He's still in family mode with his ex. That is not an available man. And now he's expecting you to sit waiting for him?

Op. Seriously. Run a mile.

Not only that, but a man who would embark on a new relationship in the middle of all this responsibility dishonours both women and his children.

Engine No.9

OMG. I can't believe the negative attitude of all the posters here towards the guy in question. Seriously???? I see liberal, open minded advice being posted here every day and just coz a guy has a ring on his finger, he's a cheater, sleazeball etc... My brother got married 6 months ago and the ring would need to be cut off him to get it off. How he's not lost the finger from restricted blood flow is beyond me.

OP, you're a big girl and able to make up your own mind. I'm sure you're able to deal with any fallout IF there is any. He's told you they're broken up so you're completely blameless of any fallout anyway. Grand, the baby is a newborn.... less than 3 months. All that means is that he and his ex slept together to create the child a year or so ago and that may well have been the plan, but plans change and they broke up in the interim. It does happen and probably more frequently than you would imagine.

He won't move out so as to give his ex a hand with the kids. Totally admirable IMO. He will once the baby is of school going age, hell he might even bring the kids with him. It'd be better to see that than the standard absent dad who just throws a few bob at his ex every month or whatever and never sees his kids.

OP, you're the only one that's going to take any action in this situation. If you feel he's worth it, on balance, then go for it. If you don't, don't. Simple as.

Engine No.9

zeffabelli wrote: »

Not only that, but a man who would embark on a new relationship in the middle of all this responsibility dishonours both women and his children.

Does that mean all single fathers are dishonoring the woman they had children with, the children and any potential dates they might have in the future. Give me a break. Does that mean I'm dishonorable as a father of 5 who has been single for 3 and a half years, just because I want to date women??? Very poor choice of words IMO and a very broad statement to make.

DeltaWhite

pajopearl wrote: »

Does that mean all single fathers are dishonoring the woman they had children with, the children and any potential dates they might have in the future. Give me a break. Does that mean I'm dishonorable as a father of 5 who has been single for 3 and a half years, just because I want to date women??? Very poor choice of words IMO and a very broad statement to make.

Are you still shacked up with your ex though?

At the end of it all, it's OP who makes the decision, we're all entitled to tell her what we think until the cows come home. She has to decide for herself if she wants to "wait" for him to sort out his situation. I wouldn't. Life is too short.

zeffabelli

pajopearl wrote: »

Does that mean all single fathers are dishonoring the woman they had children with, the children and any potential dates they might have in the future. Give me a break. Does that mean I'm dishonorable as a father of 5 who has been single for 3 and a half years, just because I want to date women??? Very poor choice of words IMO and a very broad statement to make.

Yes, if you just had a baby.

kylith

OP men who are genuinely single and living with their ex-partners and children are few and far between. The vast majority of these men are cheating on wives or partners who are totally unaware of the supposed 'break up'. I watched a friend go through discovering she was the 'other woman' a few years back when her 'separated but living at home for the sake of the kids' boyfriend finally admitted that he wasn't anywhere near as single as he'd led her to believe and that his wife had found out about his philandering.

Unless this bloke is happy to assuage your fears by having his 'ex' meet you to confirm to you that he is a free agent and can do what and who he pleases then I would run a mile.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked to tidy up

Ok, thread reopened. Zeffabelli and pajopearl I had to delete a large chunk of your posts for being off-topic. Please take your to-and-fro somewhere else as it is offering no advice to the OP. Also tone down the language. If you cannot post in a civil manner we'd prefer you didn't post in Personal Issues at all.

Any breaches of the Forum Charter from this point will result in a 1 week ban from the forum.

If you have an issue with a moderator instruction please contact the moderator via pm rather than posting on thread.

Ann84

Op, you sound like no matter what advice your given your going to pursue this man.
In all honesty, it sounds like complete nonsense and you know it, yet you are here trying to get people to tell you there is a minute change this is all above board.

I will point out 1 completely obvious FACT. Anybody, single or in a relationship who has a 3 month old baby should be WRECKED!! Also, this baby should be consuming an awful lot of his spare time... Are you ok with dating someone you see for a cinema date once a week? Single or not, he has other responsibities...

And from that, if himself and the missus are separated, I assume he is doing half the childcare so you probably barely see him as is right??! Cause living together or not... When my ex and separated, I made God damn sure HE was taking care of the child too... As if I'd be sitting at home minding all the kids while he was off dating...
I am pretty sure you know straight away by how much free time he has if he's single or not.
What you do is up to you but making a fool of another woman wouldn't be top of my award winning moments.

LegacyUser

Hi op here,
Reading everyone's posts have given me a lump in my throat I honestly feel like crying with Shame for even considering this,
I want to thank everyone for what I call sound advice and opinions if im honest it's what I feel deep down too, I know this isn't right I confided in a close friend and she basically said imagine I was his x how I would feel in her situation and it wouldn't b nice she's obv feeling very vulnerable right now after giving birth and still pining after him yet he's he has such little regard for her feeling as he's chasing me
I do like him and very attracted to him but it makes me question his true character if he could treat her like this and could possibly treat me like this in the future
I think I'd have more respect for him if he just looked after her and his family and stayed single until she was in better place she must b exhausted after having s baby and breaking up with her partner
He also told me he never does night feeds with the baby or changes nappies that's her dept I found this odd
And he also told me he had a one night stand less than a month ago, so I don't think I'm the first woman to turn his head

CaraMay

Sounds like you've made up your mind op. For what it's worth I think you are crazy to be cajoled into this situation. You are effectively his mistress and can clearly do much better than that. If the gf still loves him you can be sure they are still sleeping together. He's spinning you a line and especially asking you to wait. Sure what's 17 years out of your life?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm so sorry for you. My first thought when initially reading your posts was, she's probably not the only one he has on the go. If he had a one night stand a month ago, I'd question the reason foe their breakup. (If in fact they are broken up!) Is he a womaniser, a serial cheat? Why is he staying at home to help out with the kids if by his own admission he's doesn't seem to be a huge help? My husband never did night feeds, because he worked and I was off. But he did nappies, we took it in turns to lie in at the weekend etc.

Regardless of whether or not he is being 100% upfront with you, he doesn't have room for you in his life at the moment. He has asked you to wait so that he can sort things out. You shouldn't have to wait in line to be in your perfect relationship. So tell him to give you a call when he does sort himself out.. But, that doesn't mean you have to sit around waiting. Go out and meet other people. If you are single when he eventually has made space for you, then great.. Go for it. If, in the meantime, you've met someone even more wonderful with less external pressures then great for you.

He's a charming guy. He can talk the talk and make you feel amazing. But asking you to wait in the sidelines isn't treating you very well. Usually how someone treats you is the best indication of how they really feel about you.

CaraMay

We'll done op. It would break my heart to be in that woman's shoes.

LegacyUser

Stay well away.

For what it's worth, a close family member was in a similar position with a guy in work. he was married, with 2 small kids, fell for each other. He promised her everything if she "would just wait". She waited alright, for 4 years, before she came to her senses. At which point he told her "I think I'll stay with my wife". She wasted 4 years of her 20s waiting around on some twit who was clearly having a life crisis of some sort, but who was never actually going to leave his wife. Nothing we said or did made her see sense. And what was she left with? Nothing.

Don't be that cliche. Married or not, the man has 4 kids, one of whom is obviously still tiny. How do you think those kids will feel about you? How long does he expect you to "wait"? What does he expect you to do in the meantime? What happens to his wife (partner)? How will his situation "improve"? He's had a one-night stand in the last month or so - what are you going to be? And how is he ok with that?

Seriously, cut this guy off. I'm sure plenty of people will tell you to do what you want, and make your own decision and don't worry about anyone else - that's ok, except it's not just about you here. It's about you, him, his other half and his four kids. There's a lot of people with close ties to this, much closer than yours.

There is a whole section of fiction books devoted to these kinds of stories and they rarely, if ever, end well.

kylith

He wants you to wait until his situation improves? And ye're not even together? Sounds like he's starting the stringing along early.

I'd tell him to give you a call when he's moved out and if you're still available ye can go out then.

zeffabelli

kylith wrote: »

<Snip>

Don't even be willing to wait for him. This guy is bad news.

ABajaninCork

Well done you!!

Just remember - You aren't the first girl to fall for his spiel. And you won't be the last. The guy's a player. One day HE'LL get played. Bet on it!! And if he was prepared to dump his family FOR you (He won't though); he'll happily do it TO you.

As James Goldsmith famously said: 'When a man marries his mistress, a vacancy is created'

Keep moving, and don't look back!!

silverfeather

Fullxerthom wrote: »

I really don't know if I should Persue this or run a mile

Run a mile.

The ex is in love with him. They have a newborn. That is NOT something I want to be a part of. Someone is going to get deeply hurt. I am not here to hurt others. And certainly not to give a person like HIM the satisfaction. There is no way I would risk hurting kids and another woman. And OP you deserve better than him. He comes across as selfish. He has a newborn.

I bet he has loads of women on the go.

I couldn't do it ..i just couldn't.