Too Nice for Casual.....but he's not ready for serious

LegacyUser

Looking for some advice really....

After coming out of an LTR I took nine months to be on my own. Then I started dating again. The last three guys that I was dating all broke up with me for the same reason. I'm starting to think its more than a coincidence. They all fell for me pretty quickly, wanted to be exclusive, could see a future with me, etc. (I should add that they all travel a lot for work) Then about the 3rd/4th month they suddenly said they couldn't have a serious relationship with anyone since they are abroad so much, but they couldn't be casual with me cos their feelings were too strong so they had to end things. That I deserved more than someone who was away so much, I deserve someone who can give me all their time and attention, etc. It's really frustrating. If I'm so amazing why are they willing to let me go. How can I change this pattern? I'm now terrified of falling for anyone - I can't go through it yet again.

strandroad

Date someone who doesn't travel as much? To be honest it just sound like a convenient excuse on their part, a variation of "it's not you, it's me". You can still get an excuse, mind, only different, so you're right to plan not to fall for anyone too soon.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

FizzleSticks wrote: »

You're giving aloof guys the opportunity to get too close to you too soon.

You sound like a nice open person but if someone senses the other person likes them more too soon it gives them all the power to call it quits. And yes sometimes you meet someone and everything clicks but usually within dating especially online dating it's important to protect yourself from being convenient for someone to see for a while when that's not what you want.

It's interesting that they talked about seeing a future with you within a matter of months, did you bring up this topic or are they spoofers?

If a guy is really into you and then goes cold it sounds like they were never looking for a serious relationship in the first place. Like I said keep a guy you're dating at a distance until he wants to make the effort to become part of your life.

OP here. With the first guy I threw myself into it and when it ended abruptly I accepted a lot of the blame/responsibility. The other two I was super cautious, played it really cool, never brought up anything beyond a week or two ahead. Especially with the last one...I was so afraid to get hurt that I prob acted like I didn't care at all. He was the one to bring up the exclusive thing, didn't want to share me, etc. But I didn't try to purposely be awkward or make it difficult for them. Maybe I'm not being aloof enough.

grumpynerd

FizzleSticks wrote: »

You're giving aloof guys the opportunity to get too close to you too soon.

You sound like a nice open person but if someone senses the other person likes them more too soon it gives them all the power to call it quits. And yes sometimes you meet someone and everything clicks but usually within dating especially online dating it's important to protect yourself from being convenient for someone to see for a while when that's not what you want.

It's interesting that they talked about seeing a future with you within a matter of months, did you bring up this topic or are they spoofers?

If a guy is really into you and then goes cold it sounds like they were never looking for a serious relationship in the first place. Like I said keep a guy you're dating at a distance until he wants to make the effort to become part of your life.

Girls like guys who like to lie to girls. Sounds like either they just wanted to bang you a few times or felt guilty for wanting that. Or they thought you knew the score and are trying to redirect you gently.

Also possible is that youre superficially great but soon reveal bad traits that push the escape or claustrophobia button.

Perhaps youre a great catch for wife and motherhood but the guys arent as ready as they think.

Its also possible you are genuinely amazing and they truthfully feel you deserve the best guy.

The travelling a lot thing suggests they just like running a small harem of ****buddies and know what to say to keep women sweet for a few weeks.

grumpynerd

Too nice for casual? As in bad boys for thrill****s and joe soaps for domestic bliss? That tactic doesnt work after your twenties.

Best to really analyse your relationship software and take it slowly and thoughtfully with the right guy. Whoever he is. The right person often surprises us.

OP - don't stop being who you are. Don't try and be what you're not (acting aloof or whatever, when it isn't who you are) just to try and please someone else. It's something I realized a lot. You'll eventually find someone that is happy and comfortable with you, but you just have to do a lot of sorting until you find them.

Try and find someone that doesn't travel a lot. Find someone who relatively more stationary and dependent.

LegacyUser

How are you meeting these guys and do you actually know anything about their lives other than what they've told you? I ask because that "abroad a lot for work" excuse is a common feature of fellas using online dating to set up something on the side for a while and tell their partners they're working away from home for a bit. It seems remarkable that all three would be working the same pattern and you just happened to meet them randomly.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

OP - don't stop being who you are. Don't try and be what you're not (acting aloof or whatever, when it isn't who you are) just to try and please someone else. It's something I realized a lot. You'll eventually find someone that is happy and comfortable with you, but you just have to do a lot of sorting until you find them.

Try and find someone that doesn't travel a lot. Find someone who relatively more stationary and dependent.

I'm in my mid/late 30s and I'm pretty fussy/particular so I rarely meet men that I would be interested and the ones of them that are single are few and far between. I like my life and my hobbies. I'd just like to share some of the fun and adventures with someone (but just one someone and not lots of someones) and also share in theirs. I'm not looking for a guy who wants a girl to slot into his stationary and boring life and become his other "half" and in doing so lose my own independance and identity. I did that in my last LTR. Maybe that's why I keep falling for guys that travel a lot and aren't looking for a housewife & a womb. Maybe what I want doesn't exist.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Guessed wrote: »

How are you meeting these guys and do you actually know anything about their lives other than what they've told you? I ask because that "abroad a lot for work" excuse is a common feature of fellas using online dating to set up something on the side for a while and tell their partners they're working away from home for a bit. It seems remarkable that all three would be working the same pattern and you just happened to meet them randomly.

The second you might be right about. I met him online.

The first and third I met in real life. I met their families and hung out with their friends. I stayed over in their place. With the third guy, I went to his brother's wedding and went on one of the business trips with him.

Potatoeman

Toonice wrote: »

I'm in my mid/late 30s and I'm pretty fussy/particular so I rarely meet men that I would be interested and the ones of them that are single are few and far between. I like my life and my hobbies. I'd just like to share some of the fun and adventures with someone (but just one someone and not lots of someones) and also share in theirs. I'm not looking for a guy who wants a girl to slot into his stationary and boring life and become his other "half" and in doing so lose my own independance and identity. I did that in my last LTR. Maybe that's why I keep falling for guys that travel a lot and aren't looking for a housewife & a womb. Maybe what I want doesn't exist.

You say youre very picky and dont meet guys youre interested in very often. Maybe ask a friend if the guys you go for are comparable looks wise. Rember that guys are judged on their looks and financial/social status where women are judged on their looks and youth.

Anyone that uses the too nice line is dodging the question. It's not in their interest to fix you for the next guy.

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

You say youre very picky and dont meet guys youre interested in very often. Maybe ask a friend if the guys you go for are comparable looks wise. Rember that guys are judged on their looks and financial/social status where women are judged on their looks and youth.

Anyone that uses the too nice line is dodging the question. It's not in their interest to fix you for the next guy.

Comparable to each other? Or to me? The first two would have been similar looks wise and the third not so typically 'hot'. But I'm not punching above my weight if that's what you mean.

They didn't use the word 'nice' - that's my interpretation. The first two said It would have been easier for them to just play me after they too stopped wanting to be exclusive but I'm too honest and genuine for that. The third said he was crazy about me and that he'd go insane being away from me so much. He'd be worrying all the time about where and what I was doing.

silverfeather

It sounds like a convenient excuse. As if they have to be seen as the 'good guy'.

They are simply players who don't want to be seen as such. They are looking for the 'package girlfriend experience'. Or on the other hand it could just be the way things worked out.
You are a person looking for a certain type of relationship. I know referring to yourself as a housewife and a womb is not healthy. But it's ok to state you are looking for a relationship that might lead to a family one day.

Don't allow yourself to be charmed by either a list of criteria or anything else. Find someone looking for the same thing as you.

Generally you can tell by the way someone's lifestyle is set up how they see their future relationship wise.

It does not sound like they were being fair or considerate.

cactusgal

Toonice wrote: »

The second you might be right about. I met him online.

The first and third I met in real life. I met their families and hung out with their friends. I stayed over in their place. With the third guy, I went to his brother's wedding and went on one of the business trips with him.

Everyone is different, but these are things I'd not do until a good few months in, when it was 100% clear that a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship has been established. I'd be very wary of someone who was wanting me to hang out with their family, go to a family wedding, and go on a trip away at 3 months in. And then claim that they're too busy to keep going out with you.

Sorry, but it just sounds like another version of "it's not you, it's me."