Forgive or Forget?

onceoffposter

It seems as if a lot relationships/marriages have been affected by cheating at some point, whether it was a kiss, a full blown affair or an inappropriate relationship at some point.

I'm putting the question(s) out there-have you ever been cheated on? What were the circumstances? Did you forgive them or did you walk away and forget them?

Similarly, have you cheated yourself? If so what made you do it? Did you make the worst mistake of your life and can say you're truly sorry or is it something that you can see yourself doing again and again should the opportunity present itself?

I realise this is a very personal topic but it's something I went through myself recently and I found myself trawling through various websites looking for different experiences. I found a lot of 'Burn his/her belongings' stories and how to punish him/her but at the time I was looking to see how people got through it, if they ever got through it, either alone or as a couple.

A lot of people tend to turn to strangers on sites such as these for advice, or other people's experiences as its too painful to talk about with their own friends/family, whether you've been cheated on or you were the one that cheated. I just thought maybe a thread like this could be of some help to people going through this type of thing in the future.
Thanking you all for any input you may have.

LegacyUser

Yes I cheated on. We were married with a two year old child at the time. It is the worst thing ever and I have no respect for
People who cheat on their partners. He subsequently left and set up home with her. He still denied he did anything wrong to this day.

Stavro Mueller

Is this a personal issue for you yourself? Because it sounds like it's a more general question.

In case you're asking in a roundabout way for advice on your own situation, there is no clearcut answer. We'd need more details.

InPainRightNow

Tried to forgive but all I got was lies when I asked for the truth. Trying to forget now but I'm failing miserably. Upside life when I have my kids is fantastic 50/50 shared custody but when I don't it's horrible and lonely.
I'll get there though life with her was miserable!!

dudara

OP - how is this a Personal Issue for you? Please provide more information of we will close this thread. General topic threads are not allowed.

Posters - please do not reply further until the OP responds.

dudara

onceoffposter

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Is this a personal issue for you yourself? Because it sounds like it's a more general question.

In case you're asking in a roundabout way for advice on your own situation, there is no clearcut answer. We'd need more details.

Yes it's currently an issue for myself but rather than open it up to 'its up to you' or 'Once a cheater always a cheater' I thought I might get more out of hearing what others went through.
I also thought that by sharing experiences maybe people reading this in the future could get something out of it rather than just reading about my own individual case.

Ps-I have no problem telling my own story and getting individual responses about what people think, I just thought I might get more of an insight this way.
In my own head cheating is scum of the earth territory, but I can admit I have a very rose tinted outlook on life. I have been told in the past that my ideals are unrealistic, not just when it comes to relationships but life in general. I can be quite naive and I don't tend to see the bad in people but when something does happen, it affects me hugely, as I can't believe how people can hurt other people.

onceoffposter

dudara wrote: »

OP - how is this a Personal Issue for you? Please provide more information of we will close this thread. General topic threads are not allowed.

Posters - please do not reply further until the OP responds.

dudara

Apologies. I'll post my issue within the next ten minutes. I didn't realise.

onceoffposter

I've been with him 10 months. We don't live near each other and so seeing each other was a fortnightly thing. We were together 7 months when he went away travelling on his own. He had it booked before he met me. He asked me to join him but I couldn't as I had already taken my maximum holiday allowance from work.
Our relationship for the first 7 months was good. When we were together everything was amazing and it was clear from both sides that there was genuine love there. Whenever we were apart however he would bombard me with texts and while it was nothing OTT I think he found it weird that I didn't miss him as much as he missed me. I'm not a needy person and I don't need to hear someone tell me they love/miss me every single day to know that they do. He however did, and I'll be honest I wasn't always the best at it. He found the distance between us much more difficult that I did.
So he goes travelling. There's a time difference. I assure him before he leaves that I love him and that I can't wait for him to come back.
While he's gone, maybe a week, he texts me basically saying he's having serious doubts about us as whenever he looks at his phone there's no message from me. He feels I don't give a damn about us. He's lonely. I send him a few messages but he doesn't reply. He later says this was because he didn't know what to say without hurting me. I feel like crap and I wonder have I ruined a perfectly good relationship. I text him pretty much begging for another shot to show him that I do care. I'm tortured for the next few weeks waiting for him to come home, all the while still getting texts, although much shorter than what I'd be used to.
He comes home and we spend the weekend together. We're still behaving like a couple. On Sunday he says we need to talk, he tells me he cries and is depressed every time I leave. That he feels like he doesn't have a girlfriend sometimes. I love him so I tell him I'll move (he had previously tried to move but couldn't find a job where I live). He's over the moon and we start making plans. That was 3 months ago.
The past 3 months everything was incredible. We were both on the same page and blissfully happy. Then two weeks ago we were talking and I got a funny feeling and I just asked him if he'd cheated on me while he'd been travelling. He said no. I said promise me. He said he couldn't.
I turn away from him and I cry all night.
The next day we talk and he says it was just a kiss, nothing more and that he did it because in his mind we were over. He didn't feel wanted and that the distance was proving too much and he was going to break it off with me when he came home. He changed his mind about this after I'd spent that weekend with him and told him I was willing to move.
In my head I think, but we were still together. Even if everything you say is true, we were still together. I was at home tormenting myself about being a terrible girlfriend and wondering how to make things right and all the while you were kissing someone else.
He has been begging forgiveness for almost two weeks now but I feel cold. He said he was always going to tell me before we got married (he's since said I'm the one), but I feel like he should've picked up the phone there and then. Especially as he knew how upset I was that week. I also feel like maybe he never would have told me if I hadn't asked. I also wonder, what if it wasn't just a kiss? They were on the same tour and staying in the same accommodation.
She knew about me, she knew he had a girlfriend but that we were having problems. He said they both agreed straight away after it was a mistake.
I look back on the texts now and see that I did text him quite a bit and that a regular guy would have known I was still into it. I made it very clear I loved and wanted him when he expressed his doubts. Maybe he feels I should've expressed myself more before it got to that point and maybe he's right.
But cheating is cheating, right?

bee06

OP, to be honest I don't think the kiss is the biggest problem in your relationship. Your boyfriend is obviously incredibly insecure. He says you're the one and he wants to marry you but if he genuinely felt this he wouldn't need constant reassurance on whether you love him or not.

onceoffposter

Thanks for that. I think that's absolutely true and something he acknowledged himself just a couple of days ago. He said he didn't know why others would have been happy with the level of attention they got from me and he didn't know himself why he felt the need for constant reassureance. He's booked to see a counsellor later this week about the above. He said he wants to show me he's serious about me and booked the counsellor almost straight away. I just hope he's doing it for himself and not just in an attempt to keep me.

Stavro Mueller

Sorry OP but this sounds like one ongoing head wreck. Your boyfriend sounds like he's both needy and manipulative. Sort of like he's trying to control you in a way.

He seems to be blaming you for his cheating which is pretty low. If he was as secure in the relationship as he should've been at this stage, it shouldn't have mattered whether there were or weren't texts on his phone when he looked. Being cynical, you could argue that he manufactured that argument about having doubts so that it'd be OK for him to cheat on you.

Scarinae

How long was he away for? He sounds incredibly needy, and I don't like the way he's made it out to be your fault that he cheated because he said you weren't giving him enough attention. It was a choice that he made.

He said that they only kissed... But he could just be admitting to the bare minimum so it won't look quite as bad.

Will you trust him if he goes away again? Or will you feel that you have to constantly message him so that he won't do it again?

Addle

I've got past cheating before, surprisingly easily.
I was naive.
I'll never put up with it again.

onceoffposter

He has admitted to being overly needy with me to be fair. And I did accuse him of using that to somehow make it ok, but he said that wasn't his intention and that he knows what he's done is out of order, I think he was just trying to make me see how he was feeling, that he was in a long distance relationship that he felt wasn't going to last due to the distance, that I was being cold with him (which I wasn't but he is incredibly paranoid about these things), and that he was going to end it with me when he got home, in his mind we were done. This only changed when I said I'd move.
I also told him i was sceptical about just how meaningless it was and he handed me his iPad and told me to message her and ask her myself. Maybe he was bluffing I don't know.
I'm not defending him in any way by the way, I'm under no illusions here. I guess sometimes you just need to here what others think.
Before this id have told anyone to just leave, leave and find someone else. But when it actually happens to you it turns out to be much more difficult and you begin to wonder whether couples have actually been through this and come out the other side happier than ever. Or is it always the end.

Stavro Mueller

It's not always the end but you need to be very careful that he's not manipulating you. It's all on his terms. He's the needy one and unless that changes, you're going to be midered for the duration of the relationship. Also, listen to your own gut here. If you realise you don't trust him 100% then it's time to say goodbye.

onceoffposter

I can't say I'm constantly worrying about it. He was out over this weekend for example and I didn't feel worried. He was away a few weeks ago on a holiday with old college friends and I didn't feel worried then, nor do I think now that I know what happened when he was travelling that anything happened on this holiday. I don't think I'd be worried but when the going gets tough will all this come flooding back. I told him not to be in touch with me for a while and though he's given me space he still has text me every evening to tell me he's thinking about me. I guess I'm just still undecided. Am I a fool to even consider this? My initial fit was get out of my life. Now I'm wondering did I have a part to play in it, or is he simply just an ass. I really just don't know anymore

liquoriceall

Honestly his cheating seems to be the least of his problems! He sounds emotionally stunted and requires constant validation that would drive me cracked! It seems to be all on his terms, he already looked for a job near you? When? Ye were only together a few months thats just daft that he was happy to give up his life but conviently enough he couldnt find a jod so now you give up yours, your friends etc to move to be with him??

onceoffposter

He applied for a job (the first he'd seen) after we were together 6 months. I saw the 'thanks but no thanks' email he got letting him know he didn't get the job. Without giving too much away, the line of work he's in isn't easy to find jobs in.
I know it was fast and hindsight is a wonderful thing but I thought well that's good, he's willing to move coz he loves me and wants to see where its going. The company he works for has branches all over the country/world so he was just going to transfer. He thought he could just transfer back if things didn't work out. Unfortunately the work he does within that company isn't really done in the branch nearest to me.

onceoffposter

And just as a footnote to the above. I'm now reconsidering the moving. I wasn't going to move until August anyway, at that point we would have been together over a year.
Obviously I didn't expect this rather large spanner in the works.
Looking back now, yes it was intense,fast. But hey, love is blind and I've seen couples marry after 6 months and are still happy and couples that were together 10 years before they married and are miserable. I guess I just hoped i was the former, and I felt what was the worst that could happen.
Ironic really

LegacyUser

I think you should FORGET him op and move on from him. It's not your fault he cheated and don't think for a minute it was. He comes across as fierce needy and an emotional head wreck constantly needing validation and texts from you. You mention he has gone out with his friends/ gone on weekends away and you weren't worried about him being with somebody else. If it was you that went out with your friends he'd probably be on the text wrecking your head checking up on you.
You said you wanted space and no contact and what does he do, he texts you. He doesnt seem to have any respect for you. Actions speak louder than words, he seems to be able to talk the talk but not walk the walk. He says he loves you and misses you, well if you really meant that much to him and you were the "one" he wouldn't have gone off with somebody else in the first place.
The absolute cheek of him to blame you for his cheating. Dump him and don't look back.

Scarinae

Do I have this timeline correct?

He went travelling without you for several weeks. You assured him before he left that you love him. A week later he messaged you saying that he was having doubts. You sent him several messages but he didn't reply. Around this time he cheated on you with someone else, definitely by kissing (although you have wondered if anything further happened). The girl knew about you and he fed her some lines about how you were having problems in the relationship.

He decided to break up with you when he got back, so left you in limbo feeling like crap and feeling tortured for several weeks while he was still away. He sent you some short messages during this time but nothing like he normally does, so you knew something was up.

Then he got back and you spent the weekend together, acting like a normal couple (which I presume means that you also had sex), and he waited until the Sunday to actually have a conversation about the whole thing. He still planned to break up with you, until you said that you'd move. He didn't mention anything at this point about cheating on you while he was away.

Three months later it came out that he cheated on you. He tried to minimise the damage and made it out to be your fault that he cheated as you didn't give him enough attention. Also, in his mind it wasn't cheating because he thought you were over - although he didn't have the courtesy to actually tell you that.

Seriously, fcuk this guy. Has he apologised for cheating on you? Has he apologised for leaving you upset and worried for several weeks, or is he making that out to be your fault too?

Yes, some couples manage to get through infidelity and come out the other side stronger. But there has to be honesty and you have to rebuild trust. This guy doesn't sounds like he's accepted responsibility for what he did.

I hope my post doesn't come across as harsh, but honestly I think that unless he stops being needy and manipulative and starts taking responsibility for his own actions, you don't have a future (certainly not a happy one). There are far better men out there.

onceoffposter

He hasn't blamed me, I guess when these things happen you blame yourself to an extent, and that's more the case. He has put his hands up and said he blames himself, that its nowhere near my fault and that he hates himself. He's said he knows he doesn't deserve another chance and most certainly doesn't deserve me. Of everything that's said here, that's one thing I'll give him. He knows what he's done.
I do however agree that he's obviously got some major issues. I also agree that he has extreme paranoia. I also agree if I were away he'd bombard me with texts. Although to be fair he bombards me with texts whenever he's away too-usually. He's just always been big on constant communication. You are absolutely right in that he should have told me sooner and should not have waited so long to tell me. He most certainly should not have let me share his bed-I have said all this to him and his answer to that was....'because I knew I'd lose you if I told you. I still loved you. I'm weak, I'm a coward'

I think I know what I have to do....I just wish I hadn't already resigned.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think he is telling you half truths. I think he didn't feel neglected, sent you those texts and then kissed someone else. I think he kissed someone else and then came up with a cover story. People can and do get over cheating. But every case is individual and depends solely on the people involved. I may feel like I could forgive my husband a drunken "slip" (kissing.. Nothing else!) but he may feel that he wouldn't be able to forgive me the same thing. Just because I think I would, doesn't mean I think he should too.

Do you know what I mean? Everybody has their own deal breaker. And that is ok. If you think you can trust that he told you the truth, and you feel that it is something you are willing to forgive and move on from, then nobody has the right to tell you you are wrong. It sounds like you want to get over this and move on together as a couple, so why not try that? If this is what you do do, then you have to do it right. You can't bring it up every row! You can't keep going back to it. You forgive it and move on.

Now, that is not to say that you are guaranteed a happy life with him! Or that if you find other things in your relationship making you unhappy that you must stick it out. You can make a decision to stay with him and work this out. But if it gets too much for you, or if other aspects of him/his personality become too uncomfortable you can walk away knowing that at least you gave it a proper chance.

It's a difficult choice for you, but it's one only you can make for yourself.

P. Breathnach

onceoffposter wrote: »

... He's booked to see a counsellor later this week about the above. He said he wants to show me he's serious about me and booked the counsellor almost straight away. I just hope he's doing it for himself and not just in an attempt to keep me.

He has a problem, and the prospect of losing you has brought it to a head - so you can't really distinguish between doing it for himself and doing it just in an attempt to keep you: the two matters are inextricably linked.

Perhaps you both need space. Take a break while he undergoes counselling. I don't mean a break where you are free to date other people, because I don't believe that sort of thing works. I mean stop seeing him for a while, and ask him to seek his counsellor's advice on when and how to get things going again.

[I'm trusting that there was no more to the cheating than a kiss, and that it was the result of his being in an emotional mess.]

onceoffposter

I just don't know what to believe anymore.
He did tell me in the past he didn't feel wanted, like a month or two months prior to all this happening, but I guess I never took it seriously.
I could find out more....I could dig and see, but as with anything, if we dig deep enough we will find something. Should I try to find that final nail or see if I can get through it.
I don't know 😢

Big Bag of Chips

If you decide to forgive then don't torture yourself with the details. It will serve no purpose. If you decide to forgive then I think from this point on you have to stop talking about the cheating. Move on from it. It's in the past. Make a promise to each other that you will move on and nothing like that will happen again, and hope you both stick to it.

That's the best you can do, really.

onceoffposter

I'm still unsure, although I know exactly what id be saying if it were someone else. Funny how we all see the sensible solution until its ourselves. My friend text me today talking about how she kissed a man who's married over the weekend, almost laughing about it. I don't understand how people can cause so much hurt just for the sake of a bit of fun. It really makes me think everyone is at it and I'm the fool for believing in love, a soul mate etc. I'm beginning to think that's all a thing of the past and at some point or another everyone does it. On that cheery thought I'll say thank you so much to everyone who has offered their advice/thoughts. You've helped me no end and I'm very grateful. I'm going to attempt to sleep. In the meantime if anyone has been in a similar situation and has anything else to offer please do!
Thanks again everyone

catonthewire

Hi OP,


After reading through your posts, I am seriously beginning to wonder if a kiss actualy occured at all?...
This guy sounds extremely immature and needy....
He wants and needs complete 100 % attention, if you don't get it , he starts playing mind games....

Honestly, I think you need a complete break from this guy, give yourself a chance to think clearly without having to deal with his issues...
If you really miss him, think you may have a future together and he genuinely seeks help, then consider moving forward together...

onceoffposter

I don't doubt that a kiss occurred. While he has his issues he wouldn't make something up for the attention, especially not after having the best relationship for the last 3 months. We were actually saying that we had never felt happier in a relationship recently.
He has booked the counsellor, and I've seen the email he sent and received back regarding that. So that part he is definitely doing.
Regarding the space, I 100% agree with you.

catonthewire

Great OP,

Glad he is definitely seeking help, don't make any long-term decisions yet and good luck with whatever you decide....
Many couples deal with cheating and work it out , for now look after yourself...

Blue Iris

It's a very tough decision for you Op. He has a lot of work to do on himself to deal with his paranoid thinking and insecurity. Usually these are caused by early childhood issues where something has gone wrong with the attachment process with a parent. The person has experienced coldness and a lack of connection that they desperately needed as a child and unconsciously projects the same feelings onto their partner in adulthood. This can take quite a while to work through in counselling but a lot depends on the person's level of motivation and their capacity for insight.

Trust has been broken between you and that makes it hard for you to take the risk of waiting to see if the counselling works. If it does, he could become more self assured and less emotionally demanding of you to meet his needs. Do you have an inner sense that you could manage the wait to see what happens, without the guarantee that it will work? If you do, then I think it would be possible for you to get over his betrayal. If you find it too difficult to deal with the uncertainty then I think you should give yourself the freedom to walk away. It's a really difficult choice for you.

onceoffposter

Blue iris, thank you for taking the time to post. I didn't want to say in earlier posts as I didn't want people to think I was naive idiot making excuses but what you say rings true. He's the youngest of a family of 11 kids. He said his father never came to football, hurling matches, he felt that he didn't take an interest and he felt it was because he'd put his effort into being a dad into the first 4 boys and by the time he came along his father was bored of it, or too old to enjoy him, whichever way you choose to look at it. He was also bullied quite badly at school, whether this has any bearings I don't know. I was wondering if any of the above might have had anything to do with his neediness but I didn't want to be making excuses for him either.

Blue Iris

Both issues would have a huge bearing on how he has turned out in my opinion. The key for this being repaired between you is if he gains insight into his emotional patterns and finds a way to change them for himself. You can't do this for him, it has to come from him. He may or may not be able to do this. I really wish you the best.

shaymus27

I would have thought that if a boyfriend was insecure they would worry about their girlfriend cheating on them, not go out and cheat on their girlfriend.

What's he going to do the next time he thinks you don't care about him the way he thinks you should?

Daddy didn't go to see me play is sad but it's beyond pathetic if this is even being thought of as an excuse for misbehaviour - forget all that his life wasn't perfect when he was younger stuff as an excuse for anything or you will spend the next god knows how long making unending excuses. I have no doubt things like that affect people and sometimes explain certain behaviours but some people spend their whole lives doing stupid things then explaining why you should forgive them for it as they have this and that excuse and they never take responsibility for anything they do. Your boyfriend sounds like he is on that path already.

I know a woman who kissed a man just before her wedding, told her fiancé and everything worked out and they are extremely happily married. It was out of character and something to do with pre-wedding nerves.

Everyone has something in their lives they need to deal with and everyone deserves compassion. I just don't like the drama that your boyfriend seems to create. Some people love drama and he created issues about your relationship when none existed. You shouldn't feel guilty about anything and I don't like the way you have ended up questioning yourself due to his insecurity. You may be a nice person who will question yourself rather than automatically blame others or, as another poster alluded to, you may have been manipulated in to questioning yourself even if he didn't say too much to get you questioning yourself.

A lot of nice, decent people have issues which cause them to not behave ideally. It usually happens that they are a bit self-destructive but your boyfriend chose to kiss someone else which is more destructive to you. It's not the end of the world if that's all that happened. You could see how things go for now as you do seem to have feelings for him. I fear you will permanently be putting up with something from him and enduring some sort of immaturity. A lot of males are more immature than they should be and go on to mature and be decent boyfriends and husbands. Some don't. Time will tell with your boyfriend.

silverfeather

I have never cheated. Not once I would never ever. I know it sounds dramatic but I would rather die than cheat.

I have a male friend who lefy his marriage not because of cheating though. He lost the experience of living with his children. We were talking on the phone after and he was crying saying 'I am breaking their hearts'. I kept thinking why would someone risk breaking the heart of another. Especially when children are involved? It's a bit of a passion killer. I don't get it.

I would never forgive cheating ever. I couldn't. It's monogamy or nothing.

I can logically understand why others do forgive it. But I know I never would.

onceoffposter

I'm exactly the same as you silver feather. It makes me feel physically sick to think of doing it myself, my friends all laugh at how dramatic I am when it comes to these things. It even bothers me when I hear of other people doing it to their partners, whether I know them well or not. It sickens me.
I need to either forgive and add a hell of a lot of caveats, or cut my losses now. I have a lot of thinking to do and I've asked him not to get in touch with me for a while.
Thanks for everything all

CaraMay

Why do you need to see these emails he is getting? Can you not believe what he is telling you? Don't be fooled into thinking he is being honest because he is showing you these mails, he could have 20 accounts.

Tbh I think he is playing you like a fiddle. He sounds very messed up and his reasons for cheating are pure bull.

Move on and don't look back

shaymus27

onceoffposter wrote: »

"He has put his hands up and said he blames himself, that its nowhere near my fault and that he hates himself. He's said he knows he doesn't deserve another chance and most certainly doesn't deserve me."

This could be genuine but you caught him out and what else could he say? It could be genuine or a nice bit of manipulation.


"I also agree that he has extreme paranoia."

Which is not an excuse for cheating which he only admitted to because he knew you knew he did something.


"You are absolutely right in that he should have told me sooner and should not have waited so long to tell me."

You got it out of him, he didn't tell you.


"He most certainly should not have let me share his bed"

I am not sure whether he did anything or what sort of person he might or might not have done it with, but people can catch STI's with casual sex.


"I have said all this to him and his answer to that was....'because I knew I'd lose you if I told you. I still loved you. I'm weak, I'm a coward' "

I'm sure many men have used that line on women in the past and it will be used many times by many men in the future.

onceoffposter

I don't need to see the mails, I've never asked to see them. He showed them to me. He's also shown me a copy of the contract he's just signed agreeing to go for weekly sessions signed by both him and the counsellor. Whatever he has done he's not lying about that. He has genuinely been to see one, just today. And while that's great, it doesn't mean I'm taking him back. But credit where credit is due, he has gone to a counsellor and isn't lying about that. Does not mean he's won me over.