Cannot talk to women. Which therapy?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm in my mid-20s, and I've always been really bad at approaching women, just cannot do it, and I go out of my way to avoid scenarios like that. I've gone out with women often enough, it would usually be by accident or in some way naturally that we'd end up meeting. Or an online thing. But it doesn't happen often enough, and I'm not sure I want to rely on serendipity, when I see lots of women that I'd love to speak to, but just haven't got the balls to.

I've been fairly philosophical about it all thus far – reassuring myself that I'm doing a good bit of interesting stuff in my life, and I'm not a complete hermit or anything, so I'll just put it out of my mind, and I'll meet someone eventually. But at the same time I feel like I'm missing out on an important part of being in your 20s by not making any effort to initiate anything with women when I'm on nights out. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually, and it may sound a bit lame, but I don't really want, when my future son asks me for some advice about women, to have to say to him "I was never good at that stuff son, I met your mam online cos I was too shy to approach women in real life."

Another thing is that the relationships and casual encounters that I've had, the sex has been terrible because I find it hard to maintain an erection. I've blamed condoms (and I've never tried to have sex without them), but the truth is it's probably anxiety related to my lack of confidence around women.

Anyway, I think it would be a good idea for me to talk to a therapist or someone about this, and probably about other stuff too. I'm generally a pretty balanced person, but I have a lot of insecurities and confidence problems that I would like to explore and get past.

I don't really know who (professionally) I should be talking to about this kind of stuff though. Is there a general "therapist" person? CBT? Psychiatrist? I'm a bit lost.

And I'd appreciate any advice or experience that you guys could share too.

Thanks

LadyAthame

Maybe try talking to a woman in the company of a friend you trust or a family member for a while? A brother etc?

But talking to women maybe with a friend sitting there with you guys. And know most women are not out to get you.

I don't know what type of therapy to recommend to you. But relaxed exposure to women in a comfortable environment might help.

Rubberchikken

your gp would recommend a professional to speak to so they'd be a good place to start.

whenever you get the opportunity to speak to a woman, just keep it simple. plenty of practice. people aren't looking for big conversations at the beginning. and try to stop putting pressure on yourself to say only the right things. most people are so concerned about how they're coming across, they don't have the space to judge the other person.

good luck

Hombre Lobo

Hey OP,
What is it that stops you from approaching women you are interested in talking to? Is it a case you find yourself over thinking the situation and you don't know what to say, or feel like you'll end up making a fool of yourself? Would you consider yourself a risk taker in any way?

What you've described in your post sounds a lot like how I was, and still am in some cases. I would always over think the situation when approaching a female. Whether she would think I'm weird or awkward talking to her, if she had a bf or was married, etc. If it was a male stranger or even a female much older than me, I would have no problem talking to them. But once it was someone I found interesting or was physically attracted to I would struggle big time.

I've started to change my outlook on this lately and just try and push myself to take the risk. So what if you make a fool of yourself. It will be forgotten about before the end of the day if it goes bad and at least you won't look back on it without regret thinking, what if I had just talked to her.

dudara

@Est28 - please stick to offering advice to the OP. Anything else is off-topic. If you can't post constructive, considered advice, directed to the OP, then please don't post.

dudara

Ally Dick

You need to "target" a type of woman I feel, that is kind and understanding. I was always looking for a woman through beer goggles, and it was always a disaster. I met my wife through mutual friends. This happened just after I had given up on meeting anyone ! I think when I gave up, I relaxed. Do you try to chat up women in pubs and clubs ? You're better off trying to do it in a society or at a social occasion where drink is not the primary focus. I've always found talking to women about common interests is more easy to do than to try and flatter them and "seduce them", which is a bit of a con really. I too had problems with erections because of anxiety. A lot of the time it was brewers droop more than anything else !

I went to a psychiatrist once because of a few personal issues involving professionals mis-diagnosing illnesses that I had. It had a bad effect on my confidence. I found the therapy good enough but I wouldn't jump into it too soon, as it demands a full evaluation of your life. I found that it made me question everything that I was doing, even stupid stuff that had no relevance to the problem, which was a bit of a side effect that I wouldn't be happy to repeat

JuliusCaesar

This site gives an overview of different kinds of therapy. Might be useful.

kjl

OK, this is just a little anxiety not really something a therapist can help you with but actually very easy to fix.

My advice would be to start simple.

Start talking to different women you see around the place. Now I am not talking about super models, I am talking about the old lady who works at the cashier in your local shop. Go out everyday and say I am going to talk to 5 women today. Have a walk in the park and have a chat with an old lady there. And slowly build up confidence to talk to different women. A girl who works at a cafe, the person at the supermarket.

Doing this will make you realise that women are not that different from men.

Then when you are feeling more confident start talking to girls you are attracted to, they are exactly the same of girls you aren't, the only difference is you.

I find the best time to chat to someone on a night out is between 10pm and 12, this the time when they aren't too drunk and you're not too drunk and you can have a real laugh with them.

blatantrereg

Yes if you want to become more comfortable and better at talking to women then the best and simplest thing is to practice talking to women.

Do so without an agenda beyond practicing talking to them. Usually anxiety with women is related to anxiety about sex. The fact you talked about anxiety about sex in the same context supports the notion that is the case here. Regardless of your level of sexual confidence you'll generally do better talking to women if you just think about talking to them, and not racing ahead mentally to sex.

Similarly, if you wait until you're comfortable with someone before trying to have sex then anxiety is less likely to be an issue there.