Questions about contact with sibling who was adopted

_becca_

Hello, I hope this is the appropriate forum for this.

Last year my parents told me and my sister that we have a brother who was adopted before we were born. I'm 21 and my sister is 18, and he's now 30. They only told us because he contacted them and although we never discussed it much after, my sister and I recently found out that they have been emailing and even met up once, which we were not aware of (also, they did not tell us any of this; we found out by accident after seeing a text message and some photographs).

This isn't really an issue; I'm glad things seem to be working out and they have some kind of relationship. The problem is that they're planning to meet up again during the summer, at our house, and it is assumed and expected that my sister and I will be there, although we were never asked how we felt about this or how far we wanted to go in terms of contact etc. In the beginning I said that although I wanted the three of them to get to know each other I was unsure if I wanted to do this myself. I still don't really want to meet him just yet although I have said that I may be open to it at some point in the future, and I asked for an email address so I could explain this to him as he is eager to meet me and my sister and refers to us as "his sisters." I have also said that I wouldn't mind exchanging emails or texts every month or so to get to know him etc.

The major problem is that my parents can't and won't understand or accept this. I have tried many times to explain how I feel but I think the fact that we all have the same parents (rather than being half-siblings) is a big factor for them. They have insisted that we must meet him and have constantly told us to see things from his point of view and imagine how he would feel if we rejected him. I found a leaflet on the Irish adoption website regarding potential outcomes when contacting birth siblings and tried to explain that not everyone feels the same way, but my Dad told me that just because I read it on the internet, didn't mean I had to feel that way. They both refuse to listen when I point out that when people search for children/birth parents, each party is able to refuse contact and although this may be difficult it is a possible outcome which they are aware of, but my sister and I are not being given any choice at all.

They have also said they cannot understand why I'm not curious or why I don't want to meet; I attempted to explain that while they knew of his existence and he knew of theirs (he was told at a young age that he was adopted) and therefore have questions and things they want to tell each other, my sister and I don't have this. If I was to meet him at all I would much rather it be after communicating with him in some way.

My Dad has now told me that as far as he's concerned, if I turn my back on my brother, I'm turning my back on him. I'm shocked and upset and I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not. I guess I'm looking for opinions or suggestions.

Thank you

pablo128

MrWalsh wrote: »

I'm not sure if I understand why you wouldn't want to meet him?

She didn't say that. She wants to communicate with him first, which is understandable.

Drumpot

Becca. I suggest you contact barnardos for some support. They can at least give you some proper advice and guidance.

I am adopted and met my biological siblings. I have chosen thus far not to meet my parents for personal reasons. I would suggest ignoring the posts of people who are suggesting that you are wrong to feel the way you do or that you should just do what your parents want.

I would also say that I think your parents are being extremely selfish and unfair in putting pressure on you to meet him. They gave him up for adoption for personal reasons. To expect you and your sister to fall into line with their wishes is downright selfish and shows absolutely zero consideration for you and your sisters who have valid feelings that should be respected.

The actions of your dad could have a divisive effect. It's actually one of the reasons I have not met my biological dad. He's only interested in having his needs met and has tried to force his way into my life. This is not too differant from your dad trying to force your brothers into yours!

I have spoken with friends and colleagues , many of whom don't understand why I don't meet my biological parents. But that doesn't stop the odd person calling me selfish. It's just ignorance and I'm ok with people having an opinion on something they have absolutely no experience in.

You have the right idea with the email. I didn't originally want to meet my siblings but one of them went ahead and posted me a letter. It softened my views and eventually I met them.

The most important thing is that you do or don't do what you feel comfortable with. You and your sister need to be in control of deciding whether you are comfortable meeting him. If anybody is guilting or emotionally blackmailing you into doing something you don't want to do it actually creates a negative environment before you have even met your brother.

Drumpot

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

The OP is not adopted. Your post references an adoptee POV and is understandable in that context.

I have siblings who were exactly where the op was so I have a good understanding of where they are coming from.

I don't see how a child who remained with their birth parents should have any less right to feel odd about meeting an adopted sibling then an adopted child meeting their sibling should.

The op is being emotionally blackmailed into meeting their biological brother. I'm not sure how that's a positive way to introduce a new member of the family.

Drumpot

MrWalsh wrote: »

I don't see posts suggesting either of those things?

Are you reading the same thread as me?

It's not clear from the OP why she doesn't want to meet her brother, so it would be useful to understand that before offering any advice.

It's not clear to me at all why emails to get to know him AND meet him this summer can't happen?

Its not important why she doesn't want to commit to meeting him, all that matters is that she feels this way.

She needs emotional support , probobley from a more informed network.

Drumpot

MrWalsh wrote: »

You realise that this is a discussion forum and the OP actually asked if she was being unreasonable?

You are suggesting we all just tell her it's grand without asking her anything.

No one is being remotely mean or negative but unless a moderator dictates, I believe we can ask questions to better understand the OPs position.

Where did I say that everybody should suggest things are all grand and not ask her questions?

The op stated that their father is forcing them to meet their brother. Ask anybody involved in adoption situations and it's always confirmed that each party should always be a willing participant. And yes, a child on both sides is a participant.

The most important thing for all the family is that every member is involved on their terms.

You may not of meant it but your question put the focus back on the op whose father has already made her feel like "the problem". She is entitled to be afraid, concerned or threatened. Her feelings are being discarded by her dad so I don't see how it's helpful when she reaches out for guidance and the first thing she reads is "well why won't you meet him!?"

I'm sorry if I am coming across as grumpy but I have had to deal with a lot of people discounting how I felt as a child being adopted and empathised more with my parents who gave me up. The children on all sides can be quickly presumed to be troublesome or selfish when a parent wants to meet a child they gave away.

The truth is that there is a sense of loss (time). A sense of sadness (why was child given up?, why wasn't I told?). A sense of fear (will they like me? Will
I get on with them?, how will it effect my relationship with my family?). A sense of unknown that's difficult enough to come to terms with.

Parents can become self absorbed in their own needs and discard the feelings of their children (like in ops case) and the child they gave away (like in my case). It's not that the Parents are bad, it's more That the sense of loss can be too hard to take. I don't like how my parents tried to get back into my life, but after speaking with an adoption agency (barnardos) I understand why.

lulu1

I think the OP is right about getting to know him before meeting. After all he may be her blood brother but he is also a stranger to her.
I think her father is out of order in insisting that she meet her brother. My take on this is that he is afraid that by not meeting it will rock the boat and that the brother will take offence.
The parents knew he was out there this last 30 years I can't really understand why they didn't tell the daughters years ago. Why the big secret.
They shouldn't expect the op to jump now just because it suits them

DivingDuck

I certainly don't feel you're being unreasonable.

In my view, for your parents to demand that you integrate this person into your life ASAP is what is unreasonable, and also unrealistic. You have no idea how much you have in common with this guy beyond biological parents, so it is entirely natural that you would want to take things slowly, and your parents should be understanding of this. Even siblings who are worlds apart have something in common if they are raised together, and it is one of the things that brings people together even if they have dramatically different personalities and outlooks. You and your brother have not had the benefit of this shared experience, so it seems fully rational that you are hesitant to meet him. You know intellectually that he is your brother, but haven't yet accepted this on an emotional level, and that kind of dissonance can be very jarring.

It is wonderful that they want their son to feel welcomed into the family, but they have a duty of care to the children they raised as well as to him, and your emotional and mental well-being is just as important as his. Your understanding of your family and your place in it has been shaken up, and it is natural to want time and space to cope with this: a reasonable request which should be given consideration.

Your brother has probably spent much of his life wondering what his biological family was like, and consequently has had far longer to become accustomed to this idea and how he would handle this day when it came than you did. It seems entirely natural to me that he is far further down the road of acceptance and understanding than you or your sister, and is therefore more eager to meet. Of course you don't want to hurt him or make him feel rejected, but equally your parents shouldn't be so willing to hurt your feelings and reject your requests for time to deal with this entirely new perspective on your family.

Unfortunately, though no fault of your own, you've ended up in a very difficult predicament. To be honest, if I were you, I wouldn't give a monkey's how your father felt: he has had many years to make you aware that this situation could potentially arise, and chose not to. I would be more concerned about your own feelings, your sister's, and to a lesser extent, your brother's. You obviously don't want to hurt him, so if I were you, I would seek help from a body like Drumpot advised up thread who can help you both work through your feelings and perhaps prepare some kind of letter for your brother which can explain your feelings in the most encouraging and least hurtful way possible.

Hopefully in the future you can come together as a family, but if your parents continue to push you on this, there might always be bad feelings either towards them or your brother on the part of you and your sister, so I do urge you to get all the help you can. Your parents may not be respectful of this, but I imagine your brother might be more understanding. Good luck.

DivingDuck

Drumpot wrote: »

I don't see how a child who remained with their birth parents should have any less right to feel odd about meeting an adopted sibling then an adopted child meeting their sibling should.

I just wanted to say that from your posts here, you sound like a wonderfully thoughtful, empathetic, considerate person. Not grumpy at all.

Your biological siblings and your adoptive parents are lucky to have you.

lulu1

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

OP, I'm not sure what your issue is. This is a fully fledged brother you're talking about. The way I read your point of view is similar to discovering that your parents just announcing that they're electing a baby and you're asking why you weren't consulted first.

I'm sure this must be a very difficult time for your parents and if I were you I'd just let then take the lead on handling it. The fact that your father is suggesting that you might be turning your back on your brother tells a lot.

He might be a fully fledged brother but he is also a stranger to OP
Can't understand why it must be a difficult time for the parents they knew he was out there somewhere and not forgetting it was him looked them up.
The fact of the matter is they said nothing for years and now expect everyone to jump. OP you follow your heart and do what you think is best. I bet you any money your brother will understand

rinsjwind

Hi Becca

First of all, don't let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't feel about this situation, an adoption reunion is an extremely complex and emotional time for all concerned and you get involved if and when YOU are ready.

Maybe point out to your parents that, if I'm reading you right, you are not rejecting him but you actually want to do this is exactly the same way they did it! i.e. initial contact by text/email/snail mail before thinking about a face to face meeting. Somebody might also remind your dad that while there are, of course, all sorts of reasons reunions sometimes don't work out, rushing in without considering the consequences for the other people in your life and/or before everyone concerned is absolutely ready, would be very high on the list of those reasons.

There is also professional help and advice available, the Barnardos Adoption Advice Service as suggested above are very good and if your brother made contact with your parents through an adoption agency or a HSE/TUSLA adoption service, there should be a trace/reunion case worker somewhere who you could talk to. Even if he made contact directly, the Adoption authority of Ireland on 01-2309300 should still be able to refer you to whatever agency holds the records of his adoption and they might be in a position to provide support and advice. I think the AAI also have a duty social worker who you could have chat with.

Good luck, hope it all turns out well.

Rins

Ghekko

Dh is in the earliest stage of a possible reunion. Half siblings don't know about him. They may be told soon. He has said he would not pressure anyone to meet him. And yet because I know him as a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and compassionate man I would really be sad to think that they may say they don't want to know him. However, I agree with your way of thinking op - you certainly need to be allowed time to get to know your brother via mail, text etc. I cannot imagine Dh being landed in front of his half siblings and everyone expected to act like a family straight off. It's a fairytale ending for your parents as they are obviously delighted to have him back in their lives. I cannot imagine what it was like for parents years ago who were, at the end of the day, forced to give up their babies if they did not have means of support. So for them, to have that child back has to be amazing. No doubt they had guilt and grieved over him. So they have had time to establish a relationship and talk to each other about their past but you have not being allowed the time to talk about anything as they kind of kept you in the dark since they first found him again.
Sit both parents down. Explain that you are willing to form a relationship but that it has to be a process - not just introduced in your sitting room! And do contact Barnardos or Adoption Rights Alliance for some further guidance if you need it. You need to prepare yourself and who knows, he may be a wonderful asset to your life. Best of luck.

Moonbeam

Can we please keep this thread on topic ?

The_Conductor

Moderator note:

Guys- you are all aware that people from all sides, affected by adoption, are present on this forum. It is inappropriate to make remarks and comments which may be viewed as 'put downs', or to tell people how they should or should not feel about situations and circumstances.

We do encourage discussion- and have much to learn from one another- but when you are being so robust and forthright in your responses you alienate people and preach to them that their particular viewpoint is not valid for one reason or another.

This is unacceptable.

If you disagree with what someone says- refute the information posted- without attacking the person who posted it.

Be cognisant that just because you have a different opinion on a situation or feel differently about a scenario- does not mean that your opinion or feelings trump those of any other poster- or that their opinion or feelings are any less valid than yours.

I have unapproved 8 posts in this thread that I feel are too forceful and robust in nature- and serve little to help the OP- or to discuss the topic she has raised.

We generally have a very light handed moderating policy in this forum- because the vast majority of posters accept that we are all different, have different opinions and feelings- and accept and are respectful, and civil, towards one another.

I would like the forum to remain a sanctuary where all posters are respectful and accepting towards one another- however, if people force the issue- the moderators will have no choice but to have to be more hands-on approach to the type of posts that are acceptable in this forum.

Please keep this in mind.

Thankyou.