We need to create a new bible

Cody montana

for the modern world.

Google: In the beginning Tim Berners-Lee created the internet. Now the webworld was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the mouse.

This may shape the world for the next Millennium, so people don't act the gomeen.

YFlyer

There is always new books wrote.

4zn76tysfajdxp

There your mother lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

lulu1

And the Good Lord said

Let all gomeens be banished from this earth

LadyAthame

Be excellent to each other and rock on.

The King of Moo

#YOLT

Mr_Muffin

We need to get rid of the existing one.

uck51js9zml2yt

Cody montana wrote: »

for the modern world.

Google: In the beginning Tim Berners-Lee created the internet. Now the webworld was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the mouse.

This may shape the world for the next Millennium, so people don't act the gomeen.

Think you meant the person on TBL.

Dont worry op. You've a bestseller in the making

Sheep Lover

And the Lord said "Can I have 4 sambucas and a packet of scampi, please!?"

HardenendMan

I'm still waiting for the devil to bring out his book. We have only heard gods side of the story so far.

(Stolen from Jim Jefferies)

frag420

Amen

Cody montana

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not Baaaaa.

Banjo String

In the beginning....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3nEAmt5AZ8

Chloris

History of Religions Thence:

There were many false idols; that proposed by the cult of Christianity became outdated and dwindled in popularity because of the apparent neurotoxicity of the teachings. In the end, melting the brains of its followers and turning them into 'mushroom people' who could survive in the real world no longer, the Christians were force-fed sh1t and kept in the dark, the life they were most comfortable with.

The cult of Scientology was similarly successful in its apparent attempt to collect followers like particularly deep-pocketed rare pogs. However, these worshippers died en masse of toxic shock in the great electricity failure of 2016, when their bodies gave up due to deprivation of tiny releases of dopamine through tin cans, which they had been used to and could no longer live without.

The other religions embraced their collective unity and formed one supergroup, Musbudjudu. However, all their former followers thought they were only in it for the money and none of their contemporary work was as good as the Old Testament anyway and left on a Jefferson Starship for the planet Fairy King.

lulu1

Chloris wrote: »

History of Religions Thence:

There were many false idols; that proposed by the cult of Christianity became outdated and dwindled in popularity because of the apparent neurotoxicity of the teachings. In the end, melting the brains of its followers and turning them into 'mushroom people' who could survive in the real world no longer, the Christians were force-fed sh1t and kept in the dark, the life they were most comfortable with.

The cult of Scientology was similarly successful in its apparent attempt to collect followers like particularly deep-pocketed rare pogs. However, these worshippers died en masse of toxic shock in the great electricity failure of 2016, when their bodies gave up due to deprivation of tiny releases of dopamine through tin cans, which they had been used to and could no longer live without.

The other religions embraced their collective unity and formed one supergroup, Musbudjudu. However, all their former followers thought they were only in it for the money and none of their contemporary work was as good as the Old Testament anyway and left on a Jefferson Starship for the planet Fairy King.

Sorry not enough pages in the book for all that

Adamantium

If people actually decided en masse to follow the ten commandments of the first one, we wouldn't have to make a new one.

Why make a new one, when everyone will ignore and pick and choose from that one too.

Chloris

lulu1 wrote:

Sorry not enough pages in the book for all that

sry 4 inconvnence ill stik to monosylabik unpunctuated word lists n futur

degsie

Let's call it The Bibble.

Chloris

Ah f, no text speak allowed. I can't edit my post on the app. Maybe we should add that to the Bible.

Text speak was widely condemned in the new world, as was doublethink and any comedy movies without Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow's involvement.

MistyCheese

Thou shalt not be a dick

riffmongous

Let he who was the recipient of no social welfare cast the first rant

EoghanIRL

-For the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting pasta.
Sphagetti 3:16

lulu1

Let he with a bed to go to. Go to it now.

Chapter 7 Verse 299


Goodnight.

DakarVert

I'v always wondered if the bible was written by some mad lad as a story.

Like someone finding the Harry Potter series in a few thousand years and basing a religion on that, believing the books were an account of what happened in that time.

bnt

DakarVert wrote: »

I'v always wondered if the bible was written by some mad lad as a story.

Like someone finding the Harry Potter series in a few thousand years and basing a religion on that, believing the books were an account of what happened in that time.

That's the Koran you're thinking of there. The Judeo-Christian Bible is generally agreed to have had many authors, none of whom agreed with any of the others.

Is there any way that the happy guy who writes this one does NOT say "I hope no one cums before me?"

The first couple of commandments would read better in that light

DEFTLEFTHAND

Nasty negative condescending weird bearded people go to hell and serve as Beelzebub's bitch.

The righteous ascend to heaven and listen to Rory Gallagher and Jimi Hendrix live in session and drink pints of G direct from the taps of St Jame's Gate.

Ruu

Smite the trolls he said, and they were smitten!

Lyaiera

And the precocious young upstart did sit with the elderly agricultural men who debated the blight and the young teen spoke as one of them. "Did my father not say that the man who arranges his time for solitary hand shuffle Nivea action shall suffer his potatoes to turn to mush?" And the wizened men were shocked at the wisdom with which the young man did speak. So the most elder of the assembled did turn to young prophet and announced a solemn vow, "Shut up ye fool or I'll boot yer hole. Yer father's a prick and thicker than marmalade..."

ardmacha

Beware ye of the forums of evil, first amongst which is the boards.ie. Any man who luxuriates in this evil will have his gonads wither like a nettle exposed to Round-Up,while she who loiters there will assume the popularity of Twink.

UCDVet

Adamantium wrote: »

If people actually decided en masse to follow the ten commandments of the first one, we wouldn't have to make a new one.

Why make a new one, when everyone will ignore and pick and choose from that one too.

Seriously? They seem ridiculous to me. The first three are strictly to perpetuate the religion. I am the lord thy God/ no other gods / no making graven images / don't take the name of the lord in vain.

We've got a list of 10 rules and we're going to waste three of them on making sure you get your religion right.

We only have one rule against murder, but THREE about God (depending on which list of 10 commandments you're using).

Then we've got one about keeping the Sabbath holy. I mean, we're putting MURDER on the same level as going to work on Sunday. For a perfect book describing perfect rules from a perfect God that seems pretty retarded.

Honour thy mother and father....sure hey, that's nice to see.

Then we've the 'covetting' - either 1 or 2 commandments, depending on which bible we're talking about.

I'm not a biblical scholar, but I have covetted things. I do it all the time. I don't consider it a negative thing in the slightest. It motivates us, inspires us, encourages us.

The bible says:

Every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart

I mean, wow. Okay, I get that a theme of the bible is 'we are all sinners' but the commandments aren't weighted. We just have 10 of them. No reason to assume they aren't equally valued by God.

Looking at an attractive girl is as much a sin as not listening to my Mother as is MURDERING someone as is going to work on Sunday as is STEALING EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

That's insane.

Pherekydes

UCDVet wrote: »

Seriously? They seem ridiculous to me. The first three are strictly to perpetuate the religion. I am the lord thy God/ no other gods / no making graven images / don't take the name of the lord in vain.

We've got a list of 10 rules and we're going to waste three of them on making sure you get your religion right.

We only have one rule against murder, but THREE about God (depending on which list of 10 commandments you're using).

Then we've got one about keeping the Sabbath holy. I mean, we're putting MURDER on the same level as going to work on Sunday. For a perfect book describing perfect rules from a perfect God that seems pretty retarded.

Honour thy mother and father....sure hey, that's nice to see.

Then we've the 'covetting' - either 1 or 2 commandments, depending on which bible we're talking about.

I'm not a biblical scholar, but I have covetted things. I do it all the time. I don't consider it a negative thing in the slightest. It motivates us, inspires us, encourages us.

The bible says:


I mean, wow. Okay, I get that a theme of the bible is 'we are all sinners' but the commandments aren't weighted. We just have 10 of them. No reason to assume they aren't equally valued by God.

Looking at an attractive girl is as much a sin as not listening to my Mother as is MURDERING someone as is going to work on Sunday as is STEALING EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

That's insane.

And there are a few missing:

Thou shalt not rape

Thou shalt not keep or use slaves

Thou shalt not elect the eFFers

dmc17

It's not that easy to write a work of fiction and get loads of people to believe it all.

Pherekydes

dmc17 wrote: »

It's not that easy to write a work of fiction and get loads of people to believe it all.

JK Rowling dreamt up a decent story on a busride to the job centre.

Capt'n Midnight

The bible is OK just needs a more modern translation

http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Jonah_1 Jonah and the Whale

11 Teh storm kept waving. Iz microwave, then mexican wave.12 Jonah sez "Rsistnce iz fewtile. Biff me in teh sea, ocean can pwnzd kittah. Is mai fault. sry."13 But Michael triez to row teh boat to shore. He is phail, and teh storm iz getting worsnwors.14 So tehy preyed to Ceiling Cat, "wait. no! plz don't drowns uz, cuz cats dusn't lieks to get wet. DO NOT WANT. plsthnxbai."15 Tehn they toss Jonah into teh waterz, and teh sea iz calmed down liek on ritlin. srsly.16 Teh sailors iz so skeered they makes offrings of catnips and cheezeburgers and loots in bukkits for Ceiling Cat.17 Ceiling Cat maeked a LOLrus to eated Jonah, and Jonah iz in yr fishie making yr sushis for three days and three nights.

the bible needs more lego too http://www.thebricktestament.com/home.html
As the bible is not for kids it's rated for nudity , sexual content , violence and cursing

Capt'n Midnight

UCDVet wrote: »

We only have one rule against murder,
...
Looking at an attractive girl is as much a sin as not listening to my Mother as is MURDERING someone as is going to work on Sunday as is STEALING EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

That's insane.

You should watch/read Shogun sometime. There's a bit where they say that back then the Japanese have only one punishment for breaking laws. The Assyrians were somewhat similar, but for most of history and for most people different laws then to have different punishments so it's not "as much a sin". And there's reams of rules in other places in the bible, the 10 commandments is just a tl;dr version with lots of the crazy stuff removed. Seriously there's mad stuff in the old testament.

How many laws do you need about murder ?

As you've pointed out there are some other commandments there to remove some of the main reasons for murder. In the days before DNA evidence and CCTV and mobile phone tracking people used to get away with bad things.

Pherekydes wrote: »

And there are a few missing:

Thou shalt not rape

Thou shalt not keep or use slaves

Thou shalt not elect the eFFers

The old testament has lots of stuff about rape. Including bits about killing all the men who've surrendered and taking all the fertile women. Lots on http://www.thebricktestament.com/home.html

Slaves are mentioned in the new testament too. It's nearly as much fun discussing that as pointing out to a libertarian that Ayn Rand took government handouts when it suited her.

As for FF didn't you read the whole golden calf debacle ?
And then there's the whole prodigal son thing. They'll take back anyone who was expelled from the party.

Manach

Given the revolving speed which modern people take onboard what they perceive as self-serving moral positions, it is hardly likely any printed book would be of interest to the new princlings that make up modern society.

osarusan

Pocket bible.

corner of hells

"On this day the armies of Mourinho did smite down their foe while pissing themselves laughing at the Philistine Wenger".

Abramovitch 3:16

UCDVet

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

You should watch/read Shogun sometime. There's a bit where they say that back then the Japanese have only one punishment for breaking laws. The Assyrians were somewhat similar, but for most of history and for most people different laws then to have different punishments so it's not "as much a sin". And there's reams of rules in other places in the bible, the 10 commandments is just a tl;dr version with lots of the crazy stuff removed. Seriously there's mad stuff in the old testament.

How many laws do you need about murder ?

As you've pointed out there are some other commandments there to remove some of the main reasons for murder. In the days before DNA evidence and CCTV and mobile phone tracking people used to get away with bad things.



The old testament has lots of stuff about rape. Including bits about killing all the men who've surrendered and taking all the fertile women. Lots on http://www.thebricktestament.com/home.html

Slaves are mentioned in the new testament too. It's nearly as much fun discussing that as pointing out to a libertarian that Ayn Rand took government handouts when it suited her.

As for FF didn't you read the whole golden calf debacle ?
And then there's the whole prodigal son thing. They'll take back anyone who was expelled from the party.

Yeah - but it'd be nice if the 10 commandments covered the 10 most important things not to do, in a way that made sense, avoided repetition and was for the betterment of society.

'Here are the 10 rules you must follow, but also lots of others' - just doesn't have the same appeal. And the idea that going to work on Sunday makes the list, but raping someone doesn't is absurd to me. If we're going to write a new bible, let's acknowledge that most people won't read all of it, most people won't study it, and as such, let's maximize the value of the basics, like the 10 commandments. Make them 10 most serious offenses that we REALLY SHOULDN'T DO. Thinking a girl is attractive, well, according to the bible you've broken one of the 10 commandments. You might as well murder someone, in both cases you're a sinner, in both cases you've violated one of the 10 commandments, and in both cases you'll need to ask forgiveness.

It's crazy to me.

Four commandments dedicated to which God/how/when you worship that God....but not a word about rape, slavery, blackmail/extortion, prostitution/drugs/drinking and driving/playing with matches/littering/cleaning up after your dog/not playing loud music in an apartment after 9pm....

I mean, I can think of an endless list of things I feel are infinitely more important than how someone spends their Sunday.

Putin

Mr_Muffin wrote: »

We need to get rid of the existing one.

Nah, I'd just rather we got rid of intolerance.

Capt'n Midnight

UCDVet wrote: »

If we're going to write a new bible, let's acknowledge that most people won't read all of it, most people won't study it, and as such, let's maximize the value of the basics, like the 10 commandments. Make them 10 most serious offenses that we REALLY SHOULDN'T DO.

You're nearly 2,000 years too late. Already condensed into just two rules. And the first one more or less says "keep with the program"

Matthew 22:36-40 New International Version (NIV)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

MRnotlob606

Give it socks is the maxim that I live by.

LadyAthame

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

Give it socks is the maxim that I live by.

What if it has no feet?

NotASheeple

dmc17 wrote: »

It's not that easy to write a work of fiction and get loads of people to believe it all.

Well that's certainly original.

MRnotlob606

LadyAthame wrote: »

What if it has no feet?

Give it prosthetic limbs

catallus

The bible we have is perfectly good. It has cherished genius and fanned the flames of awe and wonder which are the keystones of our civilisation. And it will provide sustenance to hungry souls long after we are gone.