Cut my losses and walk away?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I've been on/off with a girl for three years now. Lots of breaks and other people in between, longest break three months.

Two months ago we got back together again, things were great for four weeks then an all merciful row. Our rows are the reason we're on/off all the time. They're brutal. Very abusive, never physical, we just basically say the worst possible things we can think of to hurt each other.

The thing is, I love her and I know she loves me and when things are going good between us they are amazing. I've had other relationships where there was rarely any fighting, certainly never any raised voices, name calling or dragging up of the past. I don't understand why we fight, we just do.

Anyway, I am seriously considering ending it again. This time for good. Its such a hard decision though as I do really love her and have thought about having a 'future' with her.

I'm worried that I'll never find someone again that I feel so strongly about. Should I stick it out another while and see can we work it out? We've had counselling but as soon as a row begins all rational thought seems to leave both of us.

Should I walk away?

Big Bag of Chips

Undecisive wrote: »

Our rows are the reason we're on/off all the time. They're brutal. Very abusive, never physical, we just basically say the worst possible things we can think of to hurt each other.

The thing is, I love her and I know she loves me...

I love my husband. It would never cross my mind to say the worst possible thing I can think of to hurt him. Why, if you love someone, would you want to deliberately hurt them so badly?

I think you should end it for good. I think you don't really know what love is and maybe you just love the drama of it all. On/off for 3 years, other people in between and vicious rows are not love. When you both grow up to have a mature relationship you will realise what a mess this one actually was.

Stavro Mueller

Yes, I think for both your sakes you've got to walk away. The pair of you bring out the absolute worst in each other and the whole thing sounds utterly dysfunctional. It's like you're addicted to each other and not in a good way. I too would wonder are you really in love in the way the rest of us understand it to be?

Why did your other relationships end by the way? Was it because you got bored of the normality and stability of those?

I really hope the pair of you never bring children into the world because god help them if you do. Imagine the sort of damage you would do to them if they grew up listening to the pair of ye screaming at each other, saying horrific things and being about as toxic as you can get. That is not the sort of environment that any person deserves to live in. The pair of you have tried to get along and it has failed miserably. It's time to accept that this is never going to work.

When you split, the pair of you should agree not to contact each other again. Not only are you really bad for each other but I get the feeling any other relationships you had in the meantime were doomed because there was always the shadow of your toxic addiction looming over them. So when you split delete her number, unfriend her on Facebook etc.

LadyAthame

Walk away this is not what relationships should be like. That is not love.

Snoutface

It's sad but you gotta go. I think you know yourself it's not going to change. You are probably kindred spirits at some level but there's an imbalance there that sometimes can't be fixed. Best of luck.

grumpynerd

Undecisive wrote: »

Hi all,

I've been on/off with a girl for three years now. Lots of breaks and other people in between, longest break three months.

Two months ago we got back together again, things were great for four weeks then an all merciful row. Our rows are the reason we're on/off all the time. They're brutal. Very abusive, never physical, we just basically say the worst possible things we can think of to hurt each other.

The thing is, I love her and I know she loves me and when things are going good between us they are amazing. I've had other relationships where there was rarely any fighting, certainly never any raised voices, name calling or dragging up of the past. I don't understand why we fight, we just do.

Anyway, I am seriously considering ending it again. This time for good. Its such a hard decision though as I do really love her and have thought about having a 'future' with her.

I'm worried that I'll never find someone again that I feel so strongly about. Should I stick it out another while and see can we work it out? We've had counselling but as soon as a row begins all rational thought seems to leave both of us.

Should I walk away?

Passion is for young folk. Best find someone stable and kind and wise. Relationships become about staring down decline and death after a certsin age.

IlmoNT4

That isnt a functioning relationship OP...thats dysfunctional and sounds awful...and you've spent 3 years doing this. You do know we dont live forever....

What do you get from fighting and being horrible to her? What were your parents like? Did they fight a lot..?

Please whatever you do, dont bring children into this.

CaraMay

Some nice people are just not nice when together as a couple. I firmly believe some people bring out the worst in each other even if they are otherwise ok. Sounds like you are this couple. Run and keep running as the habit you have gotten into is impossible to break.

LegacyUser

Surely there is some way of salvaging this? We're both good, decent people. I don't understand why we become so horrible to each other. We're are very good and affectionate and respectful towards one another usually but when we fight everything just goes out the window.

I am not blaming her but she usually starts with all the horribleness and I, like a child, react to her. My parents never fought. They argued from time to time but never any raised voices or anything. He parents, apparently, had a lot of issues...

I would like to sort it out because if we got that aspect of our relationship under control then things could be great between us..

CaraMay

You are not well suited - end of

Lollipops23

Undecisive wrote: »

I would like to sort it out because if we got that aspect of our relationship under control then things could be great between us..

Honestly, walk away. Love isn't supposed to be this hard. The fact that it is for you two speaks volumes.

Get some space and distance between you. Eventually you'll meet someone who makes you feel like you're on the same team, not opposing teams.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe the pair of you are very nice people separately but together you are an utter disaster. Obviously the pair of you wanted to make things work if you resorted to counselling. Yet that didn't work. Throw in all those break-ups, the toxic rows, the way reason flies out the window and you've got something toxic and very horrible.

Let's say you were allergic to seafood and every time you ate it, you threw up violently. Would you insist on eating seafood regularly because you wanted to be able to eat in seafood restaurants?

Sorry you but for both your goods you need to cut this addiction and walk away. Stop deluding yourself into thinking there is hope. There isn't. After three years of trying you've proved that it is never going to work. Oh and please for God's sake don't bring children into this relationship. You'll ruin their lives with your sheer awfulness and inability to behave like civilized human beings.