Messed up everything

Redberry

I am at absolute boiling point with my partner. We have a young baby and are supposed to be getting married next year but he is so immature & selfish that I really am starting to feel like it won't work.
He drinks excessively & this has caused huge issues. He hasn't been too bad since our baby was born apart from he went missing for 4 days & was found asleep in the back of someone's van in another county. He didn't come home lastnight & I just hoy a call to say he has been hospitalized after a fight in a pub.
I know I should feel sympathy & concern for him but my concern is all for our baby right now. I hate to think of my child growing up with fear or anxiety because they don't know if daddy will come home drunk or not.
I know I have some responsibility in that I've allowed myself to have a child with him but I stupidly thought that he would settle down over the years.
He broke my trust in the most painful manner imaginable in that he hid a secret child from me. Now I have all this fear of what the future holds for my baby. Will this secret hurt her? Will a father like him hurt her? Will. She hate me for choosing a man like him?
I have messed up so badly & now I am so guilty for my baby. I need to put things right for her but I am so overwhelmed & don't know where to start.
I love my partner so much, my heart is broken and I can't raise my baby feeling this same pain.

Redberry

Mods I seem to double posted! Can one if these threads be deleted please! Very sorry

Regardless of how it might make your child feel, how will it make you feel to stay with him? Can you do that for the rest of your life? Your child might not notice it for a few years, but you will.

Was this secret child before or after you got together?

You are at a point in your life where you are obviously traumatised by what he is doing. Walk away while you can.

kylith

I don't think you should feel any sympathy for him; he made the decision to get drunk, and he made the decision to get in a fight. His drinking has caused these problems. He has behaved shamefully, he has lied to you, and he has caused you stress at what should be a happy time when you should be able to count on your partner for support after the birth of your child.

You need to think about what is best for you and your child, that is what's important now, and if this sot can't sort himself out and act like a responsible member of society and father then, if I were you, I would walk and not look back.

Rubberchikken

it's a tough situation but you're right - your baby is the one who needs you.
only you can actually decide if it's time to walk away from this man. it's tough enough at times raising a child, but if you have to do it on your own, you'll find the strength. this man's behaviour will suck the lifeblood from you over time. he's fathered two children, and he goes off on benders, ends up fighting with strangers and isn't there for you when he's needed.

take care

Redberry

The other child was conceived before we met but he actually started dating me while she was pregnant. His family didn't even know for a while as mother of the child wanted to keep it quiet as she had been cheating on her husband.
It's all out in the open now, although my family know nothing about it & I wouldn't even know how to tell them.
My partner financially supports the child but the woman's partner raises him with her.
The drinking is something I cannot control at all, the more I try to speak to him about it the more he seems to try prove that he can do what he wants. Of course he is his own person, but I know I don't make decisions that hurt other people when I'm supposed to love them.

kylith

Redberry wrote: »

the more I try to speak to him about it the more he seems to try prove that he can do what he wants.

Is he 12? Because that's what a 12 year old does.

Seriously, tell him to cop himself on or you and your child are out of there. Of course he can do what he wants, but he has to understand that his actions have consequences; in this case the loss of his family.

Blue Iris

Your baby is your number one. Your instinct to protect her at all cost is a natural one. These are her formative years, her brain gets wired for her future now and you are right to be taking this so seriously.

He sounds as if he may be progressing into alcoholism and therefore he is not open to discussion about his drinking which is clearly problematic. It's very painful for you as you clearly love him. Try not to be weighed down by guilt. Focus on what you can do practically to get through this crisis.

Listen to all the inner warning alarms that you are getting. We get these in order to take action to protect ourselves. Taking action is very hard but not doing anything is worse in the long run. Best of luck.

Penny Tration

Have you got family or friends you can talk to about this? I really think that what you need right now is to get away from the situation for a while. Take a few days or a week to stay with friends or family, talk it out with them, and come to a decision about your future when you're feeling less emotional.

You're bound to be an emotional mess right now, so get out of the situation until you can relax a little.

Pawwed Rig

You can be there for him and can be supportive of him if that is what he wants as he sorts himself out but my feeling is that it should be done from a distance as the guy seems to be in a world of his own and is not being a responsible parent or partner. I wouldn't say cut all contact as the relationship is not irretrievable but YOU have to sort this out for yourself and your child and HE has to sort himself out.

catonthewire

Why should you feel sympathy and concern for him?
He is the father of two small children, and supposed to be an adult, I will use the term adult loosely as it really doesn't suit this man...
I have two boys in their twenties who don't behave like this, don't even think for one moment of feeling bad ......
His drinking problems and the ridiculous situations he gets into are his problem not yours..


You should try and take a break away from him, then you can have time to think clearly of the future ...
Can you really live with a Man, who can't seem to behave rationally when he drinks?..
Is this really what you want for yourself and your child?..

You may love him enough to want to try, but he has to change, only he can choose to do this, tell him unless he mends his ways you intend changing your life, one that gives you peace of mind .....
If he doesn't, what is your future?, waiting for the next ridiculous prank? Wondering every time he goes drinking will he actualy make it home this time ...

LadyAthame

Will a father like him hurt her?

Yes. He will. It's a strange situation. You being with him and raising her with him will damage her.

A child will always feel they were not 'enough' to be loved by a parent who does not put them and their partner as a priority in life. You need to stay away for you and the child.

He is getting into fights and putting everyone on a sharp edge. You and the child need and deserve care love and respect.

orthsquel

He sounds to me like he is not ready to be an adult and face adult responsibilities such as having a baby, married life all that stuff. It's absolutely irresponsible to just take off on a bender for 4 days and end up being found in the back of a van in another part of the country. No doubt you were worried sick where he was, or had to cover with excuses if work were calling looking for him and anyone else. He didn't come home last night but was hospitalised because of a fight with a doorman... and probably a date in court and probably will say he wasn't to blame.

Redberry wrote: »

I know I have some responsibility in that I've allowed myself to have a child with him but I stupidly thought that he would settle down over the years.

Well you can't do much about a child in the equation but you CAN still take responsibility in the situation you are in with your partner and your child... and that is to seriously consider undertaking responsibility for yourself and your child by removing yourselves from his life. If you have been together years and he hasn't "settled down" or drank less, then don't expect it to. Nothing is likely to change unless you are prepared to change the situation you are in, by changing the situation to suit yourself. What is a marriage certificate going to bring? It's not going to turn him into a loving father or loving partner who wants to be involved as a husband and father and do family stuff magically overnight. You've only 1 child with him, that's fortunate in the sense you are not too tied to him to be stuck forever with him in a marriage with a drunk, where the only relationship of any importance will be his relationship with alcohol, not you, not your kid.

OP your choice is fairly straight forward, you either stay in a relationship with someone who has drink problems and is NOT going to change, unless they one day realise they actually have a problem with alcohol and make the decision themselves to change or, you leave the relationship.

What is right for you I have no idea, I do know that one person's problem drinking, addiction drinking being an alcoholic impacts everyone else within orbit of that person, friends, family, partners, children. Daddy might be at home drunk with the baby, or sneak a few bottles into the pram, or be drunk on their birthday, or may cop on and take responsibility for their drinking, who knows, in the end is it worth risking your child's happiness - your happiness, your and your child's self esteem, feeling of security and love, as well as your sanity, stress levels - to stay with someone you "love" but who already proves totally irresponsible and reckless with their own life, has no consideration for others, is acting childish and selfish, and does not care that their behaviour impacts you, especially impacts you negatively?

The worst that could happen with your child is that whatever your partner does, you either become him, drunk like him, or you fight him at every turn with the stress of the world and generally being abandoned while he goes on benders, your child learns alcoholism as a norm and thinks all daddies are like him, or your turn a blind eye and give up to your partner's drinking and later when your child is an adult who leaves the family home as young as possible to escape the drinking, you simply don't care.

In your shoes I'd be gone, gone, gone. Even with a baby, I'd rather be a single parent raising my child than have my child be at the mercy of an alcoholic.