Help/Confused-Long Distance

LegacyUser

So been in a relationship for a while, things mostly grand for the first year or so and but in the last 5/6 months my partner had to move within Ireland for work, hes working full time and studying in the evenings time. He comes home at weekends to see his family and me, so he does make time to try and fit me into his weekend plans. But he told me a few times that Im not in his top priorities at the moment and I kinda have noticed that because he mightn't send a text in the morning or the call we have in the evening is so brief, where he has a rant about work but it always so short sometimes our calls but other times they can be really long, I think it depends a lot on stress of work and study too if hes going through rough patch at work. I tried to bring this up with him but I just end up holding back and saying nothing wrong so theres no big row or he say he's too tired to deal with this and by the weekend comes we just want to have a nice day together so just forget it all.

Maybe Im reading into this all too much and long distance just getting to me and feeling lonely during the weeknights and Im just noticing things or blowing them out of perspective because I know work exams are really important in life and to get ahead.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, it just sounds like he's miserable because he's made all the wrong choices in terms of work and study, deciding to take a full time job on at the same time is something he's obviously not capable of. As for his ranting about work or staving off a proper conversation? All that says is that he's very immature. He placed himself in this position and now he has to deal with the fallout, it's called being an adult and we have to learn to prioritize our lives in such a way as to deal with all the ups and downs thrown at us. You need to sit down with him on the weekend and tell him you're not happy with the way he's been acting, you support him in his work/study but his ranting about how stressful things are is not your problem, that you're willing to help but not to suffer because of them.

If he gets angry, simply get up and leave the room, it's simple and incredibly disarming, it's taking back control and showing you're not listening to him if he won't act like an adult. Your feelings matter too, you're lonely, that isn't going to go away and unfortunately it could very well be a case that when he says you're not 'high on his list of priorities' he really means 'you're not a priority', and that just isn't fair. It really just sounds like he regrets his job/study and can't face reality, so he ends up just taking it out on you in one fashion or another. Basically he's a lad who has bitten off more than he can chew, I've seen it before, people like that need a good swift kick up the hole to get them thinking, because they're so wrapped up in their own misery that they start believing their struggle is the only one that exist. They forget the world keeps turning and it isn't going to stop because they made bad choices.

LegacyUser

I think your right that he knows he should have never taken the job because he's miserable down there being away from family and the job is very tough. But he been saying to me once he has these exams finished in June he's going to focus on getting a job back home but Im not sure whether to believe him on this because this job pays really well and before he took this job he had job offers at home but the pay was much less. So I wonder if the jobs back home are still offering him less pay will he go accept and accept less pay for being back home?? Because Money seems to be quite important at time to him, even though the odd time he says happiness is very important but I think in the end money overules because he wants to build a house and have nice things etc..
I won't be seeing him until next weekend due to study and classes, so I hold off, I guess Im just getting a bit frustrated and fed up of waiting for things to turn around. Like today sent a text say good morning have a nice day etc... no reply and then I sent him a call no answer until later and I got what do you want? I said just seeing how you are and why havent you been responding to me. The reply I got was 'study' and Im like right, what you doing today? reply 'study' and then he goes right I call you tonight. But Im actually hoping to go out tonight with friends but haven't actually gotten around to telling him cos haven't a chance to speak to him properly.
Like I do love him and when we're together, doing things like cinema,shopping its great and I feel very happy to have him by my side but I just feel when hes away from me, like when Im not in body form beside him he lacks off and doesn't text,call the small things and like they say communication key in a long distance relationship and I know theres days when you dont want to talk to people so maybe hes just having a bad week and exams are coming closer and I know how much he doesnt want to fail and do them again. But Im being a bit selfish and thinking well where does this leave me then? Just waiting around in the background and I do have more time because Im currently unemployed but I wonder if the shoe on the other foot would he wait around with me and be really patient?

DukeOfTheSharp

Ah he's just taking the piss at this point. The problem with someone who makes a choice like that is that they don't blame themselves or shoulder the responsibility on their own, they tend to displace it onto other people who 'don't get it' or aren't in the same position. I've been there a few times, and while you can be as helpful as possible, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because someone made a bad choice. He's saying that when he's done, he'll come back...I highly doubt that if he's money-orientated.

At the end of the day, it's not your fault he's unhappy. You're not asking for much, and the whole 'what do you want' bit would've been the straw that broke the camel's back for me, I think that's not only seriously inconsiderate, but thoroughly rude and incredibly immature. You're not being selfish, you're voicing your concerns, which - in the company of someone more mature - could be fixed relatively quickly and easily. I always tend to break things down to this level: if something is small and it requires just a slight change in perception and action, why not do it and make things easier on everyone? All he has to do is send a quick text and let you know what's going on, but he's seemingly expecting you to put your life on hold to accommodate for him and to listen to him complain about how 'hard' he has it. Go out with your friends, turn your phone off. If he gets uppity with you later, just tell him he wasn't interested earlier in the day and you didn't want to disturb him. It's not up to you to throw your plans out for his sake, he made a choice, he's miserable because of it, but he's taking it out on you and that isn't fair. I've been where you are, and something like this really shows how childish some people can be - while you might be able to handle the situation in a more controlled manner, he lets it control him, and turns it back on you. Live your life, but make sure to let him know you aren't chasing him anymore. You're doing all the leg work here, relationships are a two-way street.

LadyAthame

It's sounds like he is not making an effort. He also sounds depressed to me . Or very unhappy.

He is not looking after himself and so because he is not looking after himself he can't give what he should be to the relationship. Study study study ...that is not balance ..he needs firstly look after himself and decide whether he is going to give 100% to the relationship and balance it with work.

Being supportive does not mean being a doormat. He is being unfair. I feel for him being in a tough grim situation but in the end it is what he wants it to be. And that goes for the relationship ..if it suffers ..it is what he made it to be with you. You can't do it alone.

LegacyUser

So went out last night with friends for a quiet drink ended up texting him that too.
So I text him good morning and tried calling him this evening no answer and until I rang his home phone.
So I was like how you etc.. then I asked him why he never rang last night when he said hes going too and nothing today and all I got Im studying all day and was like so could you not send a small at all have a nice day? And he said he was studying all day no time. Then I said when I had a **** job I talked to you when I could and when I studied back in college made time to reply and he was like this the way it is for the next few weeks have to study. Then he kinda got defensive and was like we have to go on break or something and I was like Im not asking for much just a small text during the day and maybe sometimes hear about my day and he was like your day always the same and your too well rested. I was like you never know what goes on my day yes its mostly the same but you should just bite your tongue for a few minutes to let me waffle on anyways its what you do in a relationship. He was like maybe Im not interested in a relationship and I just didnt know what to say what?? And Im really annoying him with this conversation and I was like so Im a annoyance now? And he said yeah and then I was just fed up because it wasnt going anywhere at all and said right go back to study and good night and he was like night night type thing and tried making me laugh with jokes. But On reflecting I thought its a big thing to just say hes not interested in a relationship so messaged him did he really mean that or he just said it out of anger. Like I think my option is just put up with til the exams are over and hopes he back or think about the other big option that I dont really want to do because I do Love him and been with him for so long. He did have a point though I never worked full time and have exams on at the same time but I did say that these were his own decisions he choose to move away and he choose to do these exams. Just very confused and conflicted between heart and head.

DukeOfTheSharp

Oh wow. Ok, this is a fairly open and (this actually said 'shut' so I don't know why it went all 'you swore') situation. I know you love him, but don't go on a break, that's not fair and it won't solve anything, less communication isn't going to solve a communication problem. The worst thing about being in a one-way relationship with an inconsiderate and immature person is that you can never say anything, for fear that they'll be set off by it, that they'll manipulate you with a sob story or derail with excuses to put it back on you, when it's about their inadequacies. Walking on eggshells isn't fun, and feeling like you can't approach the situation in a mature way isn't good for your mental health.

He said he doesn't want a relationship, you don't just say that out of anger and then laugh it off. That's not only an immature way to act, but it shows that - along with how you feel - he simply doesn't care about how he treats you. He's making excuses, blaming you, but at the end of the day you aren't in control of his actions and only he's in control of how he acts - meaning that when he screws up, it's his problem, not yours. While I'm sure you've cut him slack out of understanding, he's clearly trying to take advantage of that. Not only that, but think about this fact: he called you an annoyance...for stating your concerns and feelings, because it didn't suit him. Then he pulls the 'you don't know what it's like' card - a classic manipulation by selfish people - to make you feel worse. He upped the ante to shock you and then tried to make it seem ok again by trying to have a joke, that isn't normal or acceptable behaviour. While I understand you've been with him a long time and love him, it's pretty clear he doesn't feel the same way towards you, he's said it now, so regardless of the situation he's in, it's time to put your foot down and end it. It won't mean you're being selfish or inconsiderate, because this isn't about your actions, it's about your reactions to his immaturity and manipulation. He is the cause. Keep that in mind. As hard as it may be - and trust me, I know it's hard - your best bet is to remove him from your life. He's got you questioning your own feelings, and that isn't fair because a good relationship involves people working together to find a way of making those feelings go away through compromise. He isn't meeting you halfway, he doesn't want to be with you, he wants you to wait. Do yourself a favour and don't. Break this off and find someone who'll treat you like an equal, not a hassle or an option.

Stavro Mueller

Sorry OP but it sounds like he checked out of this relationship quite a while ago. It looks like he's using all this studying he's doing as an excuse to fob you off and to excuse his rudeness. No matter how busy anyone is, there's always a few moments at some time during the day to send a text or make a phone call. Being "busy" is the oldest excuse in the book. I have to admit I've done it myself, cowardly and all as it may seem. I'm too busy for people I can't be bothered contacting. The ones I do, I make time....

In different ways he has told you how unimportant you are in his life. In your first post he said you weren't in his top priorities at the moment. What a nasty thing to say to someone. It's a reflection on how he views you - you're almost a nuisance who is taking him away from his precious study. Anyone else would've said "Look, I'm going to be up to my eyes with study for the next while and I might not be able to call/text you as much. But when it's all over I'll make it up to you".

Yesterday your partner showed his true colours. Unless he hadn't looked at his phone all day (unlikely) he knew that you were trying to contact him. Yet he didn't have the manners to call or text back. Sending a text isn't a big deal and he's only making it into one because you're dragging him into territory he doesn't want to go. I'm sure he is up to his eyes in studying but I doubt it's to the extent that he's making it out to be.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies so far and I have been thinking a lot about what you say.
These are professional exams he's studying for and are really important to him be fully qualified in his profession. And he will have more next year to do. Like last weekend we met up had had a great time, but I time is running out for him, exams are coming closer. And maybe the pressure of it all just gone up a few levels, like he has said once these exams are over things will be back to normal and he arranged to take me for weekend away to make up for it. I just think yes he's getting wrapped up into himself and at the moment in his world is work and study,exams. With that he kinda also lost all manners and just being plain rude. Then I think if I would be in his shoes how would I cope? I think I would be very stressed a bit ratty but I wouldn't loose the overall plot and be rude and if I was I say sorry straight away. I think Im going to wait and see does this week coming, improve or its just going to get worse. I hope something I said to him last night might have stuck a cord that Im not really asking for much just so a wee bit of interest in me and maybe things turn around this week.

cactusgal

Night-Light15 wrote: »

Im not really asking for much just so a wee bit of interest in me and maybe things turn around this week.

I'm honestly not trying to be mean, but that's just kind of sad. I'm sorry. You need to have more self respect, more self preservation than this.

He's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't care. Listen to his words and pay very close attention to his actions.