Dealing with being dumped via silent treatment, and letting go of the anger

LegacyUser

Hi, I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation/end it...

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 6 months now – he seemed just lovely, especially compared to my ex, who cheated on me multiple times and shredded quite a bit of my confidence. We both got along very well and pretty much acted like boyfriend and girlfriend.

Fast forward 4/5 months and we’re still still getting along well but not 100% sure if things were going anywhere, as we hadn’t put a label on the “relationship”. Then we had a bit of a disagreement, as I realised he had become friends with his ex again after a year of no contact since splitting up. I didn’t have a problem with this from the perspective of worrying that they’d get back together – more that he had bitched about her a lot to me, and still did, but now appeared to be all pally with her again regardless. It was his two-facedness I had a problem with more than him seeing her. And if he was that horrible about a girl he used to love, he could well have been bitching about me behind my back too.

Since I questioned him about his attitude/behaviour towards the ex, he started to get noticeably distant. He’d take 3 days to reply rather than a few hours. Of course, me being the idiot I am, I just felt like clinging to him more after this rather than ditching him, as I did really like him and had confided a lot of personal stuff to him etc, so didn’t want us to drift apart. I should probably mention we live 30 mins drive away from each other and are both students, so most of our communication has been through facebook.

Anyway, fast forward to today, and he hasn’t replied to me in over 3 weeks, despite no proper falling out. I was really upset about this at first and was constantly anxious and feeling pretty worthless – it’s headwrecking to just be ignored like that suddenly. But in the last week I feel like upset has been replaced with anger. I think it’s incredibly spineless and disrespectful to be seeing someone for 6 months and then suddenly do a disappearing act – I don't even have a problem if he doesn’t want to see me again, but I do have a problem with him not having the decency to just tell me. Especially when he always had such a convincing “nice guy” act up until the last few weeks, and would often be taking the moral high ground if I was telling him about a guy who was messing my friend around etc. I also had a bit of a stalk on facebook (which I know is pathetic), and while I can’t be 100% certain without asking him, there was some evidence on another girl’s page to suggest he might be seeing/dating/up to something with her. I was devastated at the thought of losing him up until the other week, but now my main feeling is anger towards him.

Obviously now I’ve accepted it’s over, but I’m not sure what to do. I could message him to end things "officially" as he clearly doesn’t have the balls to do it himself, and maybe let him know what I think of him, or I could just delete him and cut him off quietly. I think I want to message him. By allowing him to ignore me and just never talking to him again, it’ll also feel like he’s “won”, as obviously his aim is to avoid the awkward conversation because he’s a coward. I just don’t think it’s acceptable to end a 6/7 month “relationship” without some kind of discussion, so for the sake of closure I’d like to say SOMETHING. I almost feel like having a fight with him would be preferable to this awful silence and lack of closure.

As well as being angry with him, I’m angry with myself. After staying with my ex for so long, I swore I’d never allow myself to be treated badly again, but with this guy I’ve basically just waited around to be dumped. I’m annoyed with myself for being weak, and also now questioning my judgement as I genuinely didn’t think he’d act like this. With my ex I think I always knew deep down it would end in tears, but I thought this guy was different.

I suppose one of the reasons I’m writing this is just to let it all out, but also to see what other people think. Would it be completely desperate/embarrassing to message him and end things “officially”? And how can I let go of the anger towards him? I’m having a long break from relationships for now, but after this and the ex, I honestly feel it’ll be difficult to trust someone again. Thank you, and sorry about the length of the post – way longer than I had intended...

Penny Tration

Honestly, after three weeks of no contact from him, I don't think you should message him to officially end it. It's ended.

I understand this need for getting in the last word, having a 'feck you' moment. Sure don't we all want to do that at some stage!

The best way of doing it though, is to block him. He'll notice he's been blocked eventually, so that's your 'feck you' moment without seeming desperate by messaging him.

And don't be beating yourself up. You said yourself he seemed lovely. You weren't to know he'd turn out like this.

Treat it as a lesson - if a man or woman is interested, they'll let you know. If someone goes from talking to you every day to ignoring you for a few days at a time, don't cling. Just retain your dignity and walk away, remembering that you are a lovely person and deserve better.

Mr. Incognito

I would ring him and seek an explanation. For all you know there could be a death in the family or something else going on.

You have to be an adult here and not ignore him too.

If theres no good reason i would say that you deserve better and wish him well.

Then the air is clear.

Dellnum

Do not contact him, no matter how inclined you are to do so. Silence speaks volumes. After a while he will wonder why you are not contacting him and this will be the best outcome in all of this. I would not give him the satisfaction of contacting him no matter how long you have been with him. I would not block him on anything either, that would show him that you are angry with him and it is best not to let him know anything about how you feel. If he is not contacting you and doesn't think anything of it then why would you put yourself out to contact him. You will gain nothing, except a slap in the face when he doesn't respond. He doesn't have the courage to let you know that he wants to pursue different people so don't bother your head wondering about him. He is not worth it. The best way of all to respond to treatment like this is to do nothing. Getting angry and contacting him will just make you look bad, not him. He obviously doesn't care how you feel, so don't go out of your way to let him know.

Stavro Mueller

I can very much understand why you want to lash out in some way and have the last word. You’d not be human if you didn’t. Thing is, I can’t see it ending well for you and you’ll find yourself back at square one feeling angry.
When I was younger I got dumped twice in ways sort of like that and in the heat of the moment I sent angry texts. They achieved absolutely nothing other than to have a text row with my now exes and all I was left with was a load of texts to delete and the regret that I hadn’t had the good sense to leave enough alone.

If you send a message to him and he ignores it, how would you feel? Or worse still, doesn’t read it at all (Facebook/Whatsapp tell you when a message has been read).
On the other hand, it could degenerate into an angry row and he’ll say nasty things to you. You’ll be coming across as the slightly psycho ex. You don’t want that.

You’d need to be careful re. wanting closure. Instead of drawing a line under things it’s more likely to reopen wounds and leave you with memories that make you cringe. As things stand you are on the moral high ground and you have your dignity intact. He has shown himself to be spineless and not the sort of person you’d like to date. Let some other woman take him on – she’s welcome to him.

strobe

We used to call this 'phasing out' when we were kids. It sounds like he didn't really think of it as anything too serious and so the questioning him over his ex, and then the subsequent clinginess when he started to put a bit of distance between you after it, was behind it. Still even if you don't view something as particularly serious six months is a long time to then just stop replying to someone. But not sure much will be accomplished by ringing him up to try and have a fight with him. He'll probably just take it as confirmation he did the right thing in just 'phasing things out' and then forget all about it 2 seconds later.

I dunno, it's a bit sh1t but there's not much you can do.

HoneyBee78

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

If you send a message to him and he ignores it, how would you feel? Or worse still, doesn’t read it at all (Facebook/Whatsapp tell you when a message has been read).
On the other hand, it could degenerate into an angry row and he’ll say nasty things to you. You’ll be coming across as the slightly psycho ex. You don’t want that.

You’d need to be careful re. wanting closure. Instead of drawing a line under things it’s more likely to reopen wounds and leave you with memories that make you cringe. As things stand you are on the moral high ground and you have your dignity intact. He has shown himself to be spineless and not the sort of person you’d like to date. Let some other woman take him on – she’s welcome to him.

+1
This is excellent advice op, I wish Id done this with my recent ex as staying in contact trying to find answers just prolongs the hurt and healing, even this morning I had a text written out to tell him how much he hurt me and I wanted to know why but then I thought what is the point? He was a liar and a cheat so he will lie to me again. Then I would have been anxious waiting on a reply, so I didn't send it and now I'm glad I didn't.
You're only torturing yourself just try your best to move on from him, I know its hard but it'll be worth it in the long run.

TheBeardedLady

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

As things stand you are on the moral high ground and you have your dignity intact. He has shown himself to be spineless and not the sort of person you’d like to date. Let some other woman take him on – she’s welcome to him.

Bingo. As someone who loves getting the last word in, I know how you're feeling but really, ignoring him will send him the message that you don't give a flying fook about him and his cowardice (even if that's not true) and you can walk away with your dignity intact. It's hard to see the wood for the trees in situations like this but from an outsiders perspective, what you have to do is as clear as day.


By the way, don't call yourself an idiot. It's times like this you need to be your own best friend and realise that we all fall for the wrong person in our lives, sometimes more than once. All part of being human, OP. Onwards and upwards! Loads of lovely fellas out there.

An Bhanríon

I have a friend who is one of the most lovely guys you would wish to know. He is now married and a very loyal and dedicated husband. In the past I know he has 'phased out' many girls, including a girl he went out with for three years. He also would have, at certain stages, had a few girls on the go at the one time. Yes, this makes him a total weakling in the area of breaking up with girls and communicating where he stands in a relationship. But such is human nature. I have come across many very charming men who have a similar past. And I am sure plenty of women do this kind of thing too.

Take this as a lesson in the nature of humans and the way we all run away from stuff that is uncomfortable. Do not blame yourself for not spotting it beforehand or for not 'winning'. I don't know how many times I fell for the same thing in a relationship and I would be wondering afterwards 'why did I not see that coming'!

Romantic relationships are weird. They can be the best of fun and then, on the other hand, they can make us feel really silly and small. And then, one day, hopefully, we meet somebody who suits us and, although there are still the uncomfortable moments as we get to know each other and work through misunderstandings, we just know that this person is going to stand by us. Without the crappy bits of past relationships, though, we won't recognise when this really special person comes our way...

Hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong. This guy wasn't meant for you and better things are on the way. And DO NOT get in touch with him!

catonthewire

Hi OP,

Read back over your original post, the words hurt and anger jump out.....
Of course you were hurt and had every right to be so, likewise now you are angry, again valid and justified given his childish behaviour towards you....

In all honesty , he has done you a huge favour, spared you from the emotional wrangling involved in ending a relationship with this guy....
It would appear, actualy it's obvious he isn't capable of dealing with relationships or ending them in a respectful fashion, so delete all his contact details...
Don't be tempted to look at his Facebook, block him and get on with your life...

As for him talking about you to new partners, as he did with his ex , forget it, we all do it if we're honest to some degree, and what you can't hear won't hurt you..

zeffabelli

By communicating mostly through facebook, you gave him the veils by which to play peek a boo.

I'm wondering how much of your relationship was in person and how much of it was text, respectively and proportionately.

I ask this because he may have been keeping up a performance for a lot longer than you think and the reason teh communication waned was because he would no longer sustain the act- it was either boring him or getting tiresome.

The thing about electronic communications is they invite people to confide a lot of personal things, things that they mightnt normally so it can create a kind of false intimacy, you think its you they are confiding in, but it's not, its the nature of writing, it;s the nature of boards like this, facebook, whatever.

OP he has won, and sometimes that happens. It sucks its awful. It hurts. it's sad. It's demeaning. You will eventually move out of this. We have all at one time or another felt like an entire relationship was faked.

And yes it is a betrayal, but on the other hand we have to be a Judas once in a while to grow..... I think you gave him the benefit of the doubt and you ignored your own instincts, and this is the betrayal you are feeling right now. You betrayed yourself.

giggle84

Ignored wrote: »

As well as being angry with him, I’m angry with myself. After staying with my ex for so long, I swore I’d never allow myself to be treated badly again, but with this guy I’ve basically just waited around to be dumped. I’m annoyed with myself for being weak, and also now questioning my judgement as I genuinely didn’t think he’d act like this. With my ex I think I always knew deep down it would end in tears, but I thought this guy was different.

Oh man this could be me talking. After years of being single and dating jerks I have learned that some people are just @ssholes, and some good people can behave like @ssholes sometimes.

This guy's behaviour is not a reflection on you, he's either an @sshole or he's a normal decent enough bloke who has behaved like an @sshole and completely let himself down. Either way it's disrespectful to you, time to move on. Experiences like this help you to finely tune your judgment.. that is what dating/your 20s are for.

From experience I can tell you that in the long run it is infinitely more satisfying to look back on an experience like this knowing that you did not contact him again. For all he knows you were over it within 10 mins, text him now and he'll know you're not over it. And you're basically inviting him to blank you again which will make you feel 1000 times worse I promise you.

This guy does not deserve one more minute of your time, do not give it to him. In a few months' time you will be so glad you blanked him right back.

MM322

Yes giggle84 I agree with you there, it could make OP feel worse if he doesn't get back to her! That's the only problem with contacting him now, though I think if she could keep back any emotions about it and just have it phrased very sensibly she might be able to unburden herself, it's the injustice of it all can be more upsetting than anything!

giggle84

MM322 wrote: »

Yes giggle84 I agree with you there, it could make OP feel worse if he doesn't get back to her! That's the only problem with contacting him now, though I think if she could keep back any emotions about it and just have it phrased very sensibly she might be able to unburden herself, it's the injustice of it all can be more upsetting than anything!

Yes you might be right, and if it had been a serious relationship of a couple of years I'd probably advise her to do just that.

But I have been in her exact position on two occasions with guys I was dating for 3/4 months who seemed nice and everything was going well and they ended it by blanking me. In my case, one of the guys I contacted and one I didn't, and when I look back now I'm delighted I didn't contact your man and raging I contacted the other and allowed him the chance to blank me again.

It's a lousy, cowardly thing to do to anyone regardless of how long it's been.

OP I think you'll have to go with your gut on this one because you've gotten different advice from people here. Best of luck!

Ethel

Seems to me he thought of it more as a casual thing than a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he went about this the right way, but maybe he didn't think it needed an official ending.

Forget who has the last word and all that, it won't help you in any way. You need to chalk it up to experience and move on. There is someone out there more worthy of your time.

blatantrereg

Wouldn't bother. Yes take it that you are now single.

He might expect huge dramatics when he dumps you. This might be because of how you act, or because of how one or more exes of his have behaved, or some combination of both. He might perceive you as dangerous and/or that your last interaction should have made the notion that you've split up implicit. He might have the notion that he should run for the hills as a result. Or maybe he is just spinless and inconsiderate, or highly dishonest.

I cannot think of any scenario where the best course of action for you is anything other than take it that you have split up and do not contact him.

LegacyUser

Absolutely agree that if you contact him he'll have the satisfaction of knowing he's still under your skin three weeks later. For all you know he could show your message to his mates, all "This wan is a bunny boiler who just can't get the message - look at what she sent me!"

Whereas if you never contact him, he'll never know exactly when/how quickly you moved on. So say you bump into him socially in the future, you will totally be able to get away with a vague "Oh.....hi.....er.......Dave.....(looking over his shoulder to see of there's someone more interesting behind him)"

You certainly can't convincingly get away with that if you send him a bitter (yes, lets face it there's no wording that'll stop it sounding bitter) message 3 weeks after last contact.

In fact, I would start putting ridiculously positive happy status messages up on FB. Yes, its a bit (very) childish but as its your primary source of comminication you may as well make it work for you. Nothing passive agressive about "some people" and "moving on", mind you - just generic happy stuff like "Having such a brilliant day in this sunshine! #blessed" or some sh!te like that. Basically HAPPYHAPPYJOYJOYLIFEISBEAUTIFUL. After all, if you're checking his page, he could well be checking yours too.

People used to say "living well is the best revenge". I say "living well on Facebook is the best revenge". Who cares if you're actually secretly weeping over Bridget Jones Diary every night? Do a bit of PR for yourself!

Lollipops23

It's totally normal to want to get the last word, but resist! The best way of getting your own back is by getting on with your own life and pretending he doesn't exist.
Unfriend him and block him from your page. Delete his number and all texts from him.

osarusan

I don't really agree with the posts saying that you should or shouldn't do X or Y based on what the guy will take from it, or how it will look to him, what it will make him think.

You should do what is best for you - if you want to just forget it and him from now, do that. If you feel you need to send a message to end it, and that will make you feel better/clearer/stronger, then do it, and don't worry how he will react to it. You're breaking up/broken up anyway - what does it matter how he thinks?

zeffabelli

osarusan wrote: »

I don't really agree with the posts saying that you should or shouldn't do X or Y based on what the guy will take from it, or how it will look to him, what it will make him think.

You should do what is best for you - if you want to just forget it and him from now, do that. If you feel you need to send a message to end it, and that will make you feel better/clearer/stronger, then do it, and don't worry how he will react to it. You're breaking up/broken up anyway - what does it matter how he thinks?

I tend to agree with this post, I'd be inclined to call him out on his rude, disrespectful behavior.

If you do it right, you wont lose face, you wont look nuts, nothing like that. And his reaction doesnt matter because you have nothing to lose, it's already lost.

orthsquel

Ignored wrote: »

By allowing him to ignore me and just never talking to him again, it’ll also feel like he’s “won”, as obviously his aim is to avoid the awkward conversation because he’s a coward.

Ignored wrote: »

Would it be completely desperate/embarrassing to message him and end things “officially”? And how can I let go of the anger towards him?

Dellnum wrote: »

why would you put yourself out to contact him. You will gain nothing, except a slap in the face when he doesn't respond. He doesn't have the courage to let you know that he wants to pursue different people so don't bother your head wondering about him. He is not worth it.

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

If you send a message to him and he ignores it, how would you feel? Or worse still, doesn’t read it at all (Facebook/Whatsapp tell you when a message has been read).

OP you couldn't have known he would be not so nice after all. So don't be so hard on yourself! Be good and kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal.

I picked those quotes above with good reason, because if you do contact him you will be putting yourself in a position where you will be handing whatever power and control you have in this situation right into his hands, putting you into a very vulnerable position where your own expectations of the situation may get the better of you. If you contact him he can choose to either a)ignore it or b) respond negatively to it. Either is a "win" for him because it leaves you in a worse position and completely at his mercy. If he ignores you it might leave you feeling worse off than you already are, leave you feeling that you are not even worth acknowledging and that might make you feel bad about yourself and also make you even feel more angry with him, the situation and yourself. It will be a slap in the face when he doesn't respond. Or even if he does respond but negatively. But by giving him the chance of a choice to react or not react, he is just in your own eyes going to have "won" because you will never get closure from him or anything from him.

So I'd say don't do anything at all. Instead keep the power and control you have in your life for yourself, to yourself and move on. I would suggest dealing with your anger towards him, the situation and yourself by understanding why you feel angry and let it go by understanding it and by physical activity (or volunteer to take everyone's empty jars to the bottle bank, works for me with stress and anger chucking them in and hearing the smash!!) and by focusing on yourself and your life. Get some closure from yourself about yourself, and if you're left with questions about his behaviour, don't even try and tangle yourself up in understanding it, just accept it, accept he chose to behave that way and that's that. Otherwise you could get bogged down with ifs, buts and whys trying to understand and make sense, but the quicker way is to just accept it without the wondering path being taken

CaraMay

One thing I know from years on the dating circuit is that you will not get any satisfaction from contacting him at this point. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

manjosh

Actually i will give anything to date a girl who would be so open about her feelings and seek help like this.
But the thing is that you are not the spinless one... excuse?. He's a coward who can't even breakup like a man..duh
That is the sad thing about this "nice guys" they are plain manipulators that really show their true colour in the end.

You should probably confront him along with you lady friend and give him a piece of your mind.
Heads up he will beg you and tell you it not is fault, and he does not want to hurt you blah blah... remember he is spinless and a manipulator.

Have a great one "boardy"

zeffabelli

I think acting or not acting based on what satisfaction he gets from it is still allowing it to be centred on him.

Forty years ago my uncle was supposed to call this girl, he said he would. She waited around all morning and he wasted her time. She phoned him with a how dare you waste my time. He like many of the men in my family are kind people but inept communicators.

Thirty five years later, two grown children, successful careers and still the apple of each other's eyes. Solid marriage made by two solid people.

Stavro Mueller

Yes but this guy just cut contact and now seems to be dating his ex. Not quite the same thing.

If the OP wants to call him out on his behaviour, she's free to do so. I don't necessarily disagree with the people who say she should. However if she does so she needs to be careful the red mist doesn't descend and it gets out of hand. What exactly is this guy going to say in reply if he bothers in the first place? At best it'll be a mealy mouthed reply. On the other it could be nastier. People often strike out when they're wounded and he's not going to enjoy getting any sort of text that's telling him that he was in the wrong. Even if he knows it. Anyway OP, the choice is yours.