My mother has come out in her 60's

LegacyUser

Hi,

My mother broke down in front of my about a week ago and said she was a lesbian.

She didnt tell me brother, only me. I told her she needs to tell him but she is really scared as I think she feels I am more understanding.

She claims that my dad knows, but refuses to except. I am concerned about speaking to my dad about it, as I never go to him with problems, or anything emotional.

I told her that I was going to tell my brother, but she said she would "walk" If I do.

She says she can continue her life the way it is at the moment, but can she? Really?

It would break my heart if they broke it, but its not about me. I want them both to be happy.

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my brother behind my mothers back?

I have some problems myself, and this has just added to it.

kylith

This must have come as a total shock to you.

All you can really do is support your mother. It's not your place to tell anyone, that is her decision to make.

I think one of the cruelest things you could ever do to anyone is to "out" them before they're ready. I'm sure it is a huge shock, but you need to respect their decision.

DeltaWhite

I really pity your poor Mam, imagine living with that secret for that length of time!! Jesus the woman must have had a serious weight lifted when she told you. I really think you should just be there for her. Do not tell your brother, if she wants to tell him - she will. Brave woman, must have taken a lot of courage and strength to say the words out loud to her child.

LegacyUser

Wow, I didnt expect this response.

I think If I dont tell him and he finds out in 5, 10, 15 years down the line he would hate both myself and my mother forever.

Pawwed Rig

It would be incredibly cruel to tell your brother imo. Your mother will let him know when she is ready (if ever) and it is not your place to interfere with that. Be there for her as it is a very brave move on her part but also be sensitive around your Dad as he is realising that his whole marriage was essentially a lie.

Tokyo

It's solely your mother's secret to share with who she wants and at her own pace (it's terrible that we have to use the word 'secret' in this day and age, but I hope you know what I mean).

It's something that your mother has obviously lived with for many years, and has caused her no end of inner turmoil. She's finally building up the courage to share it with others, and decided that you were able to deal with what she had to say. The only thing you should be doing now is being supportive of her. If she wants your brother to know, she'll choose her moment and tell him, but at her own pace. Circumventing that would just be betraying the trust she placed in you.

miamee

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

Hi,

My mother broke down in front of my about a week ago and said she was a lesbian.

She didnt tell me brother, only me. I told her she needs to tell him but she is really scared as I think she feels I am more understanding.

She claims that my dad knows, but refuses to except. I am concerned about speaking to my dad about it, as I never go to him with problems, or anything emotional.

I told her that I was going to tell my brother, but she said she would "walk" If I do.

She says she can continue her life the way it is at the moment, but can she? Really?

It would break my heart if they broke it, but its not about me. I want them both to be happy.

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my brother behind my mothers back?

I have some problems myself, and this has just added to it.

You seem really anxious to tell your brother which is understandable. You've found out something huge about your family and you have no one to talk to about it. However it is not your story to tell, it is your mother's. She has trusted you with this and needs your support. There is no rush for anyone to find out right now so I'd spend some time thinking about it and getting my head around it if I were you, talking with her and finding out what she wants to do next. Encourage her to speak to your brother, she might ask you to be there when she does. But she is probably feeling quite vulnerable now so pushing her into telling him right now because YOU want him to know is not advisable. Take things slowly and be there for her as much as you can; I'm sure she has been there for you many times in the past, now you have a chance to return the favour

manonboard

With all due respect OP. Im sure you mean no ill intent by what your saying but i was shocked to read you were even considering telling anyone without your mothers desire for it.
This is her private mental intimate secret for a large part of her life. You may be the first person shes ever trusted other than her hubbby who rejected it. You have no right to expose anything about it to anyone.

If your worried about your brothers feelings towards you in years to come. Then thats your problem for needing his approval, trading your mothers secret for that is completely wrong. If he cant understand that also..u
Its his issue and poor judgment.

If your worried about him hating your mother..thats her problem, consequences and choice.

Your only intention that respects her autonomy is to support and give her the aid and respect she needs. To emotionally support her during this time.

Kudos to you for seeking guidance and opinions from others in this. It must have come as quite a shock to you.
your mother is very brave.. the shame and guilt she must have felt over the years given her generation. The poor soul. Well it speaks volume of her character.

Be there for her. But be there for HER. Support her in her choices and give guidance where you feel she hasnt considered something. But let her decide.

All the best op.

kylith

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

Wow, I didnt expect this response.

I think If I dont tell him and he finds out in 5, 10, 15 years down the line he would hate both myself and my mother forever.

She'll tell him when she's ready. Maybe you could prepare the ground a bit; you say he's less understanding than you, maybe you could encourage him to be more open minded.

Think of some of the secrets you've had over the years, and how you'd have felt if someone you confided in had blabbed about them, then multiply that by 1000. That's how your mother would feel if you told your brother. It's simply not your place to do so. If he gets angry when he finds out just tell him that it wasn't your secret to tell.

If you tell you run the risk of destroying his relationship with your mother and will almost certainly destroy your relationship with your mother.

miamee

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

Wow, I didnt expect this response.

I think If I dont tell him and he finds out in 5, 10, 15 years down the line he would hate both myself and my mother forever.

Why are the only choices 1) tell him right now or 2) he finds out in 5, 10 or 15 years? Surely giving your mother a few days or weeks to feel ready to tell him won't matter?

DeltaWhite

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

Wow, I didnt expect this response.

I think If I dont tell him and he finds out in 5, 10, 15 years down the line he would hate both myself and my mother forever.

Well she told you, so do you hate her now? Why do you think he would hate her? Because you and her kept it from him?

Not your place to tell him. Seriously it's really not.

MyMotherIsALesbian

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

Wow, I didnt expect this response.

I think If I dont tell him and he finds out in 5, 10, 15 years down the line he would hate both myself and my mother forever.

Why would he hate your mother? That's a pretty ludicrous assumption.. Well at least I would hope it is! Her being a lesbian doesn't change who she is. Your brother might feel the same way you do now, only finding out years later. But do you hate her or do you feel the same about her that you always have?

I'm assuming that both of you are full grown adults? Your mother and father are going through turbulent times and her telling you now is an indication of more to come. She'll tell your brother in her own time. Give her that right.

Are you willing and prepared to alienate both your mother and your brother by going behind your back? Because that's what will happen.

LegacyUser

Ofc I still love my mother as I always did.

I am just worried about my family. But its happened and we need to deal with it.

maggiepip

I've a lot of sympathy for you OP. While Im sure your Mother is having a tough time of it, to be totally honest I think it was quite selfish of her to ask you to keep this from your brother. If you can't really discuss such issues with your Dad, who seems to be in denial anyway, then you've been expected to carry this alone. Your Mother should have told you only when she was ready to also tell your brother. Everyone needs emotional support, not just your Mother.
You need to speak to your Mother again, and while I've every respect and sympathy for her, this isnt just about her.

Taltos

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

I am just worried about my family. But its happened and we need to deal with it.

While your reaction is understandable nothing has suddenly happened apart from your mother trusting you with something that might have been tearing her apart for years.

Suggest you
1) Respect her wishes - don't tell anyone and never reveal you know
2) Be there for her emotionally, listen, don't judge or "suggest" she share.

When or if she's ready she will tell others, some of that will come from how you react / support her or not but as all the others are saying you should not take control of her life away from her no matter how you are thinking you are helping, worst case by betraying her trust you could really have a hugely negative impact not only on her but on the family you are trying to protect.

Sorry but being blunt that isn't your role right now. She's trusted you so be there for her...

MyMotherIsALesbian

MyMotherIsALesbian wrote: »

Ofc I still love my mother as I always did.

I am just worried about my family. But its happened and we need to deal with it.

Let her deal with it. She is by telling you. I really wouldn't be surprised if she will tell your brother. But just prepare yourself for if any changes were to happen.

Your brother will find out eventually. But your telling him puts the rest of your family in an extremely awkward position and will alienate your mother. It will happen if you do it. Is that what you want to happen?

sadie06

You need to be there for your mother, talk this through with her so that by the time she is ready to tell your brother it isn't as a result of her breaking down, and can be done in a far more calm fashion.

Try to appreciate what your mother has been through. Keeping this a secret for all these years must have been enormously stressful and there is no correct way forward from here. It will evolve naturally and you will play a big part in that.

I know it must be a big shock, but there is an opportunity for some real bonding here as you support your mother, and that might result in some help with your own issues also. I would not speak to your dad unless he brings up the subject.

Allow events to unfold and just try to keep calm and assure everyone that they have your love and support.

Rubberchikken

it must've been very hard and upsetting to hear. but i'd imagine your mom needed to say this to someone and she choose you.
that, to me, means that until she sees fit to tell others or gives you permission to tell others, you have to keep this to yourself.

she's entitled to that tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you are looking at this from the perspective of the family, but you need to try take a step back and see it with your mother's eyes. Your dad has known for quite a while and just ignores it. She has told you, an incredibly difficult thing to do, and you reacted badly. It's a difficult thing for you to hear, but imagine how difficult it was for her to say? Imagine how difficult her life has been for these past few years while she decided when/how to tell you. She wouldn't have just decided over the weekend.

Maybe in time she will ask for your help in telling your brother. Bit by bit she is admitting her secret to people. She must finally want people to know. Please don't rush her or force her. I won't insult you by trying to imagine how you are feeling. Just keep in mind that she is your mother, the woman who has loved and protected you for your entire life. Now she just needs a little back in return.

I hope you can come to terms with this, and I hope you can be a support to your mam however she plans on moving forward.

LadyAthame

I think you are under a lot of stress keeping this to yourself. Ask your mom can she identify with that and tell her that while you are not forcing it into the open or trying to make her feel bad that you feel torn and need to talk. Ask her can she identify with that feeling you are now having as she must have felt it too all those years.

Counselling as a family can help the news sink i I would recommend it. Contact glen etc.

You will always be a family eve your parents but the nature of that love is different. I do think it is better in the open where you can support each other. Both your parents must feel so lost and so guilty and you must feel so lost ad guilty. That is the first thing dismiss the guilt.

She may be able to go on if the family unit evolves into another equally beautiful unit. Your father may meet someone else. You might feel it's falling apart. Maybe it's falling into light rather than darkness. Your mother should not be asking you to keep it a secret. She must be able to identify with how hard that is.

LegacyUser

OP, some years ago my mother did something similar to me. She broke down one day and told me that I wasn't her oldest child. She had a son and gave him up for adoption. She told me that my father knew and was pretending it never happened that she didn't want to tell my brother.

It was her secret so I couldn't tell anyone but make no mistake, she did it to make herself feel better. Now, as it turns out, she decided that my father knew because it was obvious that she had suffered so much but he was cruel and ignored her pain. He had no idea. It was a huge shock to him.

My brother still doesn't know, but when he does find out, I am denying all knowledge of knowing.

It is my mother's mess and she can deal with it. By mess, I am specifically referring to her not doing the decent thing and going to a professional but for burdening me with a secret that I wasn't prepared for emotionally. I will never forgive her for what she put me through.

Your job isn't to support your mother and be there for her when she feels like burdening you. You have your own issues. Speak to her and make it clear that while you love her, this behaviour is not acceptable and she needs to speak to professionals and sort herself out (emotionally). You need to take care of yourself.

It must have been a huge shock to hear that. My advice is to not tell your brother. He may well blame you for being the bearer of bad news. Leave your mother to figure it out herself.

zeffabelli

How old are you and your brother?

CaraMay

Lord what a shock for you. Is she telling you because she has a partner? Is she having an affair? What age are you op?

orthsquel

In my view if you were to tell your brother without your mother's consent, he might react but where it could be negative he could react or take it out on you. He may also feel that your mother sent you to tell her rather than tell him herself. He may not respect her for that, even if you tell him against your mother's wishes. And that might also reflect badly on you, if he learns that you did so against her wishes.

Essentially rather than protecting, you are meddling and will look like you are trying to stir the pot. I know you have hopefully good intentions at heart in wanting to protect your family, however, putting yourself in the middle even with the best of intentions can backfire badly, as I learned in quite a different situation with my own family, being a soundboard to others and pushed by their concerns to do "deal with it". It was a long time ago now, but it left a lasting mark to never put myself in that position again. It wasn't worth it because of the aftermath (all negative) and you could end up in a similar negative position by playing the protector role.

Someone I know was in a position of confidence that came with their job. Something happened related to their job - not directly related to them, but a component (I'm trying to be deliberately vague, but I hope you understand) - that became of public interest in the end.... but before it became public knowledge that this had happened, they texted everyone they knew and passed on "the gossip". While I wasn't particularly interested in what it was, I was disgusted at the way they went about it with no concern for others directly involved that they knew from their job except to be the person with the hot gossip before it was public knowledge. I have never trusted that person with anything personal or private ever since as a direct result. It was only a text but it completely changed my perception and opinion of them.

Now, how that relates to you - it is possible that as a result of telling your brother before your mother in her own time does, everyone's perception of you may change, as well as that you might regret it in the end as to the results.

If you feel you need to talk about your mother being a lesbian with someone, start with her. If you feel you can't, for whatever reason, perhaps you should look at LGBT support groups and find out how best you can support her and how to deal with having this information yourself.

The only thing you can really do is keep this information to yourself and be in control of your own actions - this may not be something that needs to be "dealt with" in the sense of a family conversation that can be resolved in 30 minutes or less like on tv, but something that really will take time for you to come to terms with what you have been told and process it, for your mother to come to terms with telling you and processing it and her evaluating her next steps. That longer term process is how it is going to be "dealt with" not by telling all and sundry and dragging everyone into what could be quite a heated or confrontational situation, given your father denies/ignores his wife's own sexuality and you have no idea what can of worms could be behind that or his thoughts and emotions about it.

Akrasia

While it's a shock, your mothers sexuality is between herself and her husband, and whatever relationships she decides to pursue or otherwise in the future.

She's still the same person she was before. If she is someone who has remained faithful to her husband and denied her sexuality for 40 years for the good of her family, than this makes her an incredibly strong person. She is not to blame for the society she grew up in.

Society was a very different place when she got married. Homosexuality was illegal in Ireland. Women had very few rights in Irish society back then. Sexuality was repressed for everyone back then. She might not even have realised that she was a lesbian until after she got married, and back then divorce was illegal.

There must be many many other women and men out there who have had to live a lie for their whole lives and it's a terrible choice to make, should they come clean and risk destroying their relationship with their life long partners, or should they just accept things are the way they are.

Her choice to tell you OP shows that she can trust you not to over react and to accept her for who she is. She is not yet ready to share this with your brother. You really really shouldn't betray her trust. The last thing she wants is to lose her family.

ScumLord

While it's the mothers choice and everything I guess there's a worry that the mother will live her whole life without ever getting the chance to be herself. If the mother is bringing it up it could be that she does want to do something about it while she still has a chance.

All the daughter can do is be there for the mother, listen to her, try discussing what it would actually be like to come out, what benefits she'd get from it. What she wants from her life. She's probably a bit old to hit the dating scene so it might just be a case of getting out from under the lie and being honest with the people she loves.

I think most people would do whatever they can to make their mothers happy. It's a difficult situation, there's no easy fix, but talking about it will help her deal with it no matter what course she takes. It could be that she comes out and nobody really cares beyond the initial shock and her life will go on pretty much as it does now.