I Get Really Bad Bouts of Guilt and I Don't Know Why

LegacyUser

Hi, I have been having this problem for God knows how many years, and I just really want to get it off my chest. I'm a 23 year old male and I'll try my best to provide as much info as possible.

I believe I suffer from anxiety and maybe even some form of depression, but I always bottle it up and have never spoken to anyone about it ever. I'm really, really anxious, nervous and afraid to speak up about it to anyone, as I don't want my family or friends to panic or worry or get upset over it, and that's always how my guilt spiral starts ; I feel like I will be a burden who will cause people pain and upset if I tell them I feel depressed/anxious, and that in turn makes my anxiety worse. It's really bad.

I would say overall I'm a normal person, I am able to interact well with people and I have no social problems or issues, I can be outgoing and most people who know me would say I'm funny, down to earth and nice to be around. I would say I am all these for sure, but when alone and even sometimes when with people, I will get anxious and upset out of the blue at times about things that are bothering me. Guilt is the main one, I feel guilty about things that *I know* are silly, but yet the guilt still doesn't leave. My depression is mainly over a lot of issues I am having in life at the minute (I won't go into it too much), and over my physical appearance (I'm quite overweight and struggle to keep it off).

Some background info on the guilt, my father (whom I no longer associate with) is a very cruel person and was a bad influence as a child, he was a toxic parent and never cared about me or my siblings, and was very sociopathic with his behaviour. My parents were divorced and as a child whenever I went to visit my dad, he would always make me feel really bad about stuff a child shouldn't have to ; he would portray himself in a really innocent light, and would victimise himself to me about how my parents divorce wasn't fair. He would constantly berate me and ask me questions and would always make me feel upset and anxious (I was only age 7 at the time). He would ask me personal questions about me and my mothers business (which he had no right knowing), and would make me feel excessively guilty with how he portrayed himself being upset, broken etc. This continued until teenage years, and it got worse. Any time I tried to enjoy myself or do anything, he would constantly tell me I shouldn't be doing such things, and would constantly try and account for money I was spending, and things I was doing. Very controlling and very odd behaviour that made me feel VERY guilty, and over time as a child and into my teenage years, I began to become guilty for enjoying myself or for doing anything good.

It's gotten so bad that I now feel guilty all by myself and don't even need his influence to trigger it. I feel guilty about the weirdest things too, that I KNOW are really silly. For example, when I feed my pets (cats and dogs), I always get really anxious that they will die/become sick overnight and I'll feel guilty that I didn't spend enough time with them that day. I feel guilty when my brother comes home from work because I always assume he had a terrible day (even at times when he hasn't), and sometimes when we watch TV together, I sometimes go to my room to listen to music and I feel guilty because I left him watching TV on his own (even though he's 22 and I know he doesn't care at all). I'll be lying in bed asleep and thinking about all the things I feel guilty for, even though they're all so silly in reality. There's loads more examples but those are some of the main ones. It's really strange and it's starting to get REALLY bad, it's affecting my moods and negatively affecting my life

Between overwhelming guilt, and feeling very depressed from time to time over my personal issues, I don't know what to do. The anxiety itself is stopping me from helping myself, I don't want anyone to worry or become wound up or upset by my problems. I feel like I'm a sane person with a head on my shoulders who suffers from anxiety/depression and just needs to come to terms with it. I know there's nothing wrong or unusual about it but at times I tell myself everyone will think I'm a psycho or a freak if I try and tell anyone. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest.

LadyAthame

You could be just over sensitive and too conscientious. Your personality was programmed to be too overly kind and practice too much self censure.


There is a Pure O form of OCD.

It's a type of brain lock in which the brain sticks on a certain point usually personality dis-tonic and something would upset you. The "Pure-O" is manifested by a two-part process the originating unwanted thought (spike) and the mental activity which attempts to escape, solve, or undo the spike, called rumination. For you the spike seems to be bad thoughts about your pets. The difference between you a sane person and a crazy person is you see the thoughts are not real.

It's very common.

And you can be free of it with help.For the "Pure-O" a tremendous amount of anxiety accompanies the spike, and the mental ritual is an attempt to shut off the anxiety, either by attempting to solve the question or avoid having the thought recur.They might spend hrs in mental rumination. The thoughts feel like an invasive force. You will not find the key to ruminating through ruminating.

Can you go to your GP to get a referral?

Neyite

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