Another day in tears <mod warning post 11>

acuriouscat

Ok this is a long story so bare with me.
I met a guy a year ago,our first date lasted 9 whole hours(we fell head over heels in love)
Things moved pretty fast which Iv never done before. Myself and my kids moved in with him,he proposed. And I was ecstatic.then things turned sour,when we were good we were amazing but when it was bad it was horrific. Arguments and mis trust (me not trusting him) but still we were crazy in love, then in Feb we had another argument,he got upset and went drinking,which he never done before!!wen I picked him up he pulled the handbrake on my car and hit me and was pretty mean to my kids. I left him! I missed him awfully though and we kept in touch,some days we argued over the phone,others he explained that he had enough of the arguments and flipped that night,having some kind of emotional break down. He was very sorry and even seeking help!i met him a few times since feb and the last time I met him he got drunk and hit me yet again(after i poured a drink on his trousers wen he called me a name)
I know your probably thinking he's scum and I shouldn't be upset but this guy was everything to me. My best friend,my world. He idolised my kids and vice versa. Well that last time three weeks ago he's cut contact wit me,even though I couldn't have him in my kids lives I still found it hard to cut him out of my life,but he done it for me.I thought it was cause he knew I deserved better but Iv since heard he's been slating me.saying he can't stand me,I'm crazy etc etc. He knowS this is untrue,I think it makes him feel better for what he done.
Anyway I have decided to press charges and done so last week.
My problem is I don't know if he's a really bad person or if our arguing just really got him down and he had some sort of breakdown.
He was an amazing guy in my mind and I don't understand any of it cause I know he worshipped me and my kids.
I'm just so hurt and confused.
He's acting like he hates me,like im the one who done wrong. And I'm starting to doubt myself.
I really thought he was the one and im left confused,heartbroken and like I never knew him at all
I don't know what im expecting from this post,I guess I just needed to let it out.:(

Zaph

Moved from Forum Requests

Wanderer78

very sorry to hear your story op but i had a similar ish experience a few years ago and i think my ex and your ex may have something in common. it sounds like your ex may suffer from some sort of mental health problem such as bipolar etc. this is a very complicated problem but to be honest you're better off away from him. you can't really help him. he really does have to help himself. your main priority should be yourself and your kids right now. my ex was the same in the fact of when things were great they were amazing but when they weren't they were dreadful. i decided to disconnect from her many years ago, not an easy thing to do but i haven't looked back since. they just can't be helped. in regards pressing charges, ive no real advice there as i've no experience there but i guess by law, you have the right to do so. maybe the good people on boards will give you more advice on this situation. best of luck with things and look after yourself and your kids

Sound Bite

He HIT you.

Game over. Nothing else in the story matters.

He hit you. Stay as far away from him as possible.

Wanderer78

Sound Bite wrote: »

He HIT you.

Game over. Nothing else in the story matters.

He hit you. Stay as far away from him as possible.

to the point really and correct

acuriouscat

Wanderer78 wrote: »

very sorry to hear your story op but i had a similar ish experience a few years ago and i think my ex and your ex may have something in common. it sounds like your ex may suffer from some sort of mental health problem such as bipolar etc. this is a very complicated problem but to be honest you're better off away from him. you can't really help him. he really does have to help himself. your main priority should be yourself and your kids right now. my ex was the same in the fact of when things were great they were amazing but when they weren't they were dreadful. i decided to disconnect from her many years ago, not an easy thing to do but i haven't looked back since. they just can't be helped. in regards pressing charges, ive no real advice there as i've no experience there but i guess by law, you have the right to do so. maybe the good people on boards will give you more advice on this situation. best of luck with things and look after yourself and your kids

Thank you so much ,I think your spot on regarding the mental Health issue,I can't understand how a sane person could go from a loving kind caring person to such an evil monster.
I guess Iv been blaming myself ,wondering was it something I done etc
I tried to help him but he repeatedly threw it back so I can't do anymore,like you said,my priority is myself and my children. I'm just so hurt and baffled by it all

acuriouscat

Sound Bite wrote: »

He HIT you.

Game over. Nothing else in the story matters.

He hit you. Stay as far away from him as possible.

Your right of course..and I got away.I'm just very confused as to how a seemingly good guy could do this

Wanderer78

acuriouscat wrote: »

Thank you so much ,I think your spot on regarding the mental Health issue,I can't understand how a sane person could go from a loving kind caring person to such an evil monster.
I guess Iv been blaming myself ,wondering was it something I done etc
I tried to help him but he repeatedly threw it back so I can't do anymore,like you said,my priority is myself and my children. I'm just so hurt and baffled by it all

ah i went through all that myself. im sure your like the rest of us, no angel but a good heart. dont blame yourself. its very difficult to watch a loved one behave like that and to treat us badly but you're not somebodies emotional or even physical punching bag. try your best to disconnect now and move on with your life. im aware this is easier said than done. do not communicate in anyway. spend time around family members and friends that truly care. do some googling or some youtube on mental health problems such as bipolar. it may give you a better understanding but for your own well being, stay away

acuriouscat

Wanderer78 wrote: »

ah i went through all that myself. im sure your like the rest of us, no angel but a good heart. dont blame yourself. its very difficult to watch a loved one behave like that and to treat us badly but you're not somebodies emotional or even physical punching bag. try your best to disconnect now and move on with your life. im aware this is easier said than done. do not communicate in anyway. spend time around family members and friends that truly care. do some googling or some youtube on mental health problems such as bipolar. it may give you a better understanding but for your own well being, stay away

Oh im far from angelic but never treated anyone like he treated me. I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy. I cut contact and even got a protective order so im not being silly and considering going back,I just had a really bad day and I guess I needed to let it all out .
And I'm sorry you went through this also

Taltos

Mod Note:

I am going to say this only once - no victim blaming here OK.
zeffabelli - you are more than skirting this issue here, the OP needs constructive support, if you are going to just pick holes that in some way make her feel guilty for pressing charges for assault then please don't post here again. Doing so will just result in a card or a ban.

Case in point: "how he hit you" - just to be clear - it doesn't matter.
The OP was struck. End of.

If anyone else wants to test this point only do so at your own risk. This might seem overly strict or severe and I do apologise for that but I will not allow another thread in PI/RI go down the route of blaming the person who has come here for support.

acuriouscat

Taltos wrote: »

Mod Note:

I am going to say this only once - no victim blaming here OK.
zeffabelli - you are more than skirting this issue here, the OP needs constructive support, if you are going to just pick holes that in some way make her feel guilty for pressing charges for assault then please don't post here again. Doing so will just result in a card or a ban.

Case in point: "how he hit you" - just to be clear - it doesn't matter.
The OP was struck. End of.

If anyone else wants to test this point only do so at your own risk. This might seem overly strict or severe and I do apologise for that but I will not allow another thread in PI/RI go down the route of blaming the person who has come here for support.

Thank you so much,that really means a lot.

Wanderer78

acuriouscat wrote: »

Oh im far from angelic but never treated anyone like he treated me. I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy. I cut contact and even got a protective order so im not being silly and considering going back,I just had a really bad day and I guess I needed to let it all out .
And I'm sorry you went through this also

nobodies perfect and im sure you done your best. its good to hear you got the protection order, that will at least give you legal protection and peace of mind for you and your kids. the gardai are probably now well aware of your situation and will act accordingly. oh let it all out op. its a very difficult experience but i would recommend doing a little research on mental health problems. it will give you some sort of understanding of things. unfortunately we don't live in a country that deals with these issues very well. my opinion of course, but we are getting better at it.

thank you. it was an experience alright but thats it really. i actually feel very sorry for her. she was unfortunately born with this dreadful problem and has not helped herself throughout her life. her life won't be easy at all. i didnt have any of the physical violence but i did experience the emotional abuse. not a nice experience. id say you'd be surprised of the amount of people that have had a similar experience to you

acuriouscat

Wanderer78 wrote: »

nobodies perfect and im sure you done your best. its good to hear you got the protection order, that will at least give you legal protection and peace of mind for you and your kids. the gardai are probably now well aware of your situation and will act accordingly. oh let it all out op. its a very difficult experience but i would recommend doing a little research on mental health problems. it will give you some sort of understanding of things. unfortunately we don't live in a country that deals with these issues very well. my opinion of course, but we are getting better at it.

thank you. it was an experience alright but thats it really. i actually feel very sorry for her. she was unfortunately born with this dreadful problem and has not helped herself throughout her life. her life won't be easy at all. i didnt have any of the physical violence but i did experience the emotional abuse. not a nice experience. id say you'd be surprised of the amount of people that have had a similar experience to you

Iv took your advice and researched some sites on mental health problems and the #### has to be narcisstic haha(im laughing again)
All joking aside yes I genuinely believe he has serious problems and I really hope for his sake he sorts them out

I pressed charges because I feel like he's not sorry,the apologies were obviously fake if 3 weeks after the last incident he is talking bad of me when he knows full well I was good to him and I didn't deserve to receive a black eye
Look I can only learn from it,but can you tell me from someone who's been through it,can you learn to trust again?
I really worry I'll never trust after this,he swooped in and swept me off my feet just to destroy me and that is the hardest part

Wanderer78

acuriouscat wrote: »

Iv took your advice and researched some sites on mental health problems and the #### has to be narcisstic haha(im laughing again)
All joking aside yes I genuinely believe he has serious problems and I really hope for his sake he sorts them out

I pressed charges because I feel like he's not sorry,the apologies were obviously fake if 3 weeks after the last incident he is talking bad of me when he knows full well I was good to him and I didn't deserve to receive a black eye
Look I can only learn from it,but can you tell me from someone who's been through it,can you learn to trust again?
I really worry I'll never trust after this,he swooped in and swept me off my feet just to destroy me and that is the hardest part

ah keep researching, mental health problems are extremely complicated. theres no quick fix unfortunately and i believe some serious mental health problems are virtually untreatable. i guess its just the limits of our knowledge on the matter.

dont worry about thrusting again, just set short term goals at the moment and look after your own and your kids well being first. my own situation was a bit different to yours but similar in ways as explained before. im sure you will learn to thrust again but just take the time to heal yourself. this may take time so be patient.

Neyite

Read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that?" - it should help you understand the mental and emotional dynamic of your ex.

Well done on leaving this car-crash of a relationship behind. Women's Aid are a great support if you need someone to chat to during the legal process.

Wanderer78

Neyite wrote: »

Women's Aid are a great support if you need someone to chat to during the legal process.

knew there was a support group there somewhere. too tired to think right now. im sure theres others to. the googles would probably answer that one

LadyAthame

acuriouscat wrote: »

.
He was an amazing guy in my mind and I don't understand any of it cause I know he worshipped me and my kids.
I'm just so hurt and confused.

I really thought he was the one and im left confused,heartbroken and like I never knew him at all
I don't know what im expecting from this post,I guess I just needed to let it out.

I urge you to look at these two quotes and see how confused you are. He has your mind all over the place. If someone abuses you and hits you is mean to your kids they are not fantastic they don't love you.

I picked him up he pulled the handbrake on my car and hit me and was pretty mean to my kids.

He's acting like he hates me,like im the one who done wrong. And I'm starting to doubt myself.

And that is the effect he is going for so you will take him and and blame yourself.

You are not crazy. You did not deserve this.

Please he has hit you twice and been mean to your children. Don't let him confuse you or make you feel you are in the wrong.

The only truth he is giving you ...is that he hates you....that's true...because this is the way you treat people you don't like not people you love. Him saying he loves you is the lie. And unfortunately he knows it's the lie you want to hear. He is deliberately ruining your confidence in your self and your reasoning.

You don't beat someone you love and hurt their children.

You are not with him now. Stay BUSY DO YOU

If you start dating in future take care of you. Get some professional help. Tell your family what he did.

Big Bag of Chips

Wanderer78, I know you are being very supportive and helpful to the OP, but your posts are straying into medical diagnoses territory and that is not allowed here. I know you are basing your advice on your own experience but there is nothing to suggest at this time that the OP's ex has any mental health issues. Attributing him being abusive to mental health is not helpful, and could be insulting to some of our other posters.

aaakev, your post has been deleted. Personal Issues is an advice forum. Your post offered no advice. Please read Taltos' warning in Post #10. And if you have nothing by way of constructive advice to offer the OP, please do not post in this thread again.

IlmoNT4

OP, I've experienced something similar and and my advice is

-Stop asking why he did this and wreaking your own head about his mental health etc
-This is about you and making sure you and your kids are physically safe. I dont want to worry you, but is there any chance he would come over and be violent or is he leaving you alone. If he does bother you, dont let him into the house and call the cops.
-You need to move on and recognise that this person was not amazing, this person either has mental health issues, anger issues or is just one of those men.... you were abused by this person, physically and emotionally, end of. Try saying that out loud to yourself without saying but he was so nice and amazing I cant understand this.... Normal fellas dont hit women.
-If you can afford it, see about going to therapy, whats happened to you is traumatic and you'll need some help processing your emotions

Also what your feeling -"he was such a nice guy, I cant understand this" is very normal. I think our brains try and go back and think, how on earth did I get myself into a situation like this. Is this my fault, can I not read people etc.... thats all normal

I think you did the right thing pressing charges and I hope that he stays away from you. Keep talking to other people about whats happened, its nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing great, lots of people would stay and you had the sense of mind to get out of a bad situation.

Lau2976

Having been through something similar OP, I can say that in my experience these things can escalate. A lot.

My boyfriend went from never laying a finger on me to breaking into my home with a crow bar in a matter of months. Getting him arrested for assault is a good start and if he's abusive physically there's a good chance he's abusive emotionally and that he wants you to feel this way.

Stay strong for yourself and your kids. You don't need a man who hits you in your or their, lives.

Stavro Mueller

OP, Women's Aid's phone number is 1800 341 900 and they're open 10am - 10pm. I think a call to them for a chat would be a really good thing for you to do. Even just to clear your mind and to chat to someone who understands.

You sound desperately sad and lost which is understandable. You embarked on nothing short of a whirlwind romance with this guy and in a very short space of time he became your whole world. He seemed to be right for you in so many ways and I bet you still think that way. You did the right thing by breaking up with this guy. Relationships go sour all the time but they should never degenerate into what yours did. Aside from him hitting you, another warning sign was all those arguments. You should never have been fighting in the way that you were. And that's before he started hitting you.

You were being a good mother by taking your kids out of that environment and you really should clap yourself on the back for that. Your children were going to find themselves living in a home where their mum and her partner were arguing. They might have seen you being hit by him. That's before you get to the bit where you say he was mean to them. Your kids would've grown to resent you for living with him and denying them a happy home.

For your own sanity, you need to cut all contact with him (if you have not done so) and move on with your life as best you can. There is NO excuse for what he did. I don't care if he's a narcissist bipolar whatever. That's no excuse for him. The mask slipped and you got to see the real him. A person who looks nice on the surface but underneath is a festering nasty human being. You and your children deserve much better than this.

edword

Sound Bite wrote: »

He HIT you.

Game over. Nothing else in the story matters.

He hit you. Stay as far away from him as possible.

i read this all the time but how true is it really? what if she said to him "i want you to hit me to prove you love me" see then if he doesnt hit her hes in trouble. just goes to show we really dont know whats going on behind closed doors. hope it works out original poster. hugs.

Stavro Mueller

edword wrote: »

I read this all the time but how true is it really? what if she said to him "I want you to hit me to prove you love me" see then if he doesn't hit her he's in trouble. Just goes to show we really don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Hope it works out original poster. hugs.

What an odd post Where does it say that the OP asked him to hit her? And even if she did, it would be another indication that the relationship was bad and they shouldn't be together.

Her words were

In Feb we had another argument, he got upset and went drinking, which he never done before!! When I picked him up he pulled the handbrake on my car and hit me and was pretty mean to my kids.

and

I met him a few times since feb and the last time I met him he got drunk and hit me yet again(after I poured a drink on his trousers when he called me a name)

Sound Bite

edword wrote: »

i read this all the time but how true is it really? what if she said to him "i want you to hit me to prove you love me" see then if he doesnt hit her hes in trouble. just goes to show we really dont know whats going on behind closed doors. hope it works out original poster. hugs.

Why he hit her is irrelevant. He did. It's physical abuse and nobody deserves to be treated like that and no child deserves to witness it. Domestic violence cannot be justified.

catonthewire

He abused you, plain and simple both mentaly and physicaly.....
I won't try to assume why, because it really has no relevance now, rather I support your decision to press charges...
No-one has the right to use violence against any person , in particular in a relationship...

You deserve all the support you can get, you acted in the best interests of your children, and with help will get over this horrible situation..
Use the services of organizations , lean on family and friends for support...
Leave him to his own devices and let the law deal with him..

I really wish you the best for your future, stay strong...

edword

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

What an odd post Where does it say that the OP asked him to hit her? And even if she did, it would be another indication that the relationship was bad and they shouldn't be together.

Her words were


and

fully agreed stavro, we just dont know what goes through peoples heads and the sooner we all realise this the better. while violence is never the answer, we really need to start looking at the questions first.

Penny Tration

edword wrote: »

fully agreed stavro, we just dont know what goes through peoples heads and the sooner we all realise this the better. while violence is never the answer, we really need to start looking at the questions first.

No. We need to look after the victims first.

There is no justification for violence against your partner. There's no questions to be asked, because absolutely nothing justifies what he did.

edword

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

No. We need to look after the victims first.

There is no justification for violence against your partner. There's no questions to be asked, because absolutely nothing justifies what he did.

agreed jenny, but there are only victims once the act has happened. if we can prevent the act, we prevent the victims from existing and that to me is a battle well fought.

acuriouscat

Neyite wrote: »

Read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that?" - it should help you understand the mental and emotional dynamic of your ex.

Well done on leaving this car-crash of a relationship behind. Women's Aid are a great support if you need someone to chat to during the legal process.

Thank you so much,I'll be sure to look into it

acuriouscat

catonthewire wrote: »

He abused you, plain and simple both mentaly and physicaly.....
I won't try to assume why, because it really has no relevance now, rather I support your decision to press charges...
No-one has the right to use violence against any person , in particular in a relationship...

You deserve all the support you can get, you acted in the best interests of your children, and with help will get over this horrible situation..
Use the services of organizations , lean on family and friends for support...
Leave him to his own devices and let the law deal with him..

I really wish you the best for your future, stay strong...

Thanks so much,that means a lot. I guess I need to stop trying to figure out the reason why!
It's not going to help me,I can only move on

acuriouscat

He had absolutely no reason to hit me. He's a man and much stronger than me,I know the second incident I poured a drink on his lap but emotionally at that stage I had enough. It was wrong of me but the degrading things he was saying and the fact he had hit me previously just got to me. I had lost my home for a year and my heart was broken.
I'm just struggling to understand how he seemed to be an amazing guy,never hit any previous partners from what I know and in all the time knowing him he barely raised his voice. I know he loved me deeply so im just finding it hard to understand what happened to him.
Thanks for all your input and advice,I was having a tough day

acuriouscat

LadyAthame wrote: »

I urge you to look at these two quotes and see how confused you are. He has your mind all over the place. If someone abuses you and hits you is mean to your kids they are not fantastic they don't love you.




And that is the effect he is going for so you will take him and and blame yourself.

You are not crazy. You did not deserve this.

Please he has hit you twice and been mean to your children. Don't let him confuse you or make you feel you are in the wrong.

The only truth he is giving you ...is that he hates you....that's true...because this is the way you treat people you don't like not people you love. Him saying he loves you is the lie. And unfortunately he knows it's the lie you want to hear. He is deliberately ruining your confidence in your self and your reasoning.

You don't beat someone you love and hurt their children.

You are not with him now. Stay BUSY DO YOU

If you start dating in future take care of you. Get some professional help. Tell your family what he did.

You are so right,im not a teenager,im 36 years old and I never would put up with this kind of treatment in the past, I was alwats the type who didn't understand why women stayed with these men.
Guess i now understand:(
Your right about him hating me,I just don't understand why but I need to stop trying to figure it out. I'll never succeed
Thanks so much for your wonderful advice

acuriouscat

loulou2009 wrote: »

OP, I've experienced something similar and and my advice is

-Stop asking why he did this and wreaking your own head about his mental health etc
-This is about you and making sure you and your kids are physically safe. I dont want to worry you, but is there any chance he would come over and be violent or is he leaving you alone. If he does bother you, dont let him into the house and call the cops.
-You need to move on and recognise that this person was not amazing, this person either has mental health issues, anger issues or is just one of those men.... you were abused by this person, physically and emotionally, end of. Try saying that out loud to yourself without saying but he was so nice and amazing I cant understand this.... Normal fellas dont hit women.
-If you can afford it, see about going to therapy, whats happened to you is traumatic and you'll need some help processing your emotions

Also what your feeling -"he was such a nice guy, I cant understand this" is very normal. I think our brains try and go back and think, how on earth did I get myself into a situation like this. Is this my fault, can I not read people etc.... thats all normal

I think you did the right thing pressing charges and I hope that he stays away from you. Keep talking to other people about whats happened, its nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing great, lots of people would stay and you had the sense of mind to get out of a bad situation.

I don't know if he will come after me,I have not directly heard from him in a couple of weeks but he has had some scummy pal of his send me a nasty text. I got the protection order just in case as to be honest I didn't think he was this type so I can't take any chances that he won't come after me as revenge for pressing charges. He's due to be arrested this week.
He's a pathological liar Iv discovered and so Im not looking forward to hearing the stories he's going to tell in court.

Big Bag of Chips

edword, Personal Issues is a very heavily moderated advice Forum. Your posts so far have fallen very far outside of that. Please do not post in this thread again and read the Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again. There are plenty places you can bring your musings, Personal Issues isn't the place.

Calhoun

Understanding is irrelevant if he really cared.for you or the kids this wouldnt have happened.

In one way your lucky as it's early enough for him to show his true colors. Your priority should be on you and your kids.

As someone who grew up in a family where the partner stayed with the abusive ex (not my father ) i can tell you it was a horrible place to live. The tension all the time and a male figure who wasn't really that nice living in our home.

The only thing I will say without being too harsh on you and I mean this in the best of ways is please consider your kids that bit more in the future before making rash decisions. As id they aren't your primary focus in all things it may harm your relationship with them in the future.

I resented my mother for a long time for basically putting someone who treated her and us badly first.

acuriouscat

Lau2976 wrote: »

Having been through something similar OP, I can say that in my experience these things can escalate. A lot.

My boyfriend went from never laying a finger on me to breaking into my home with a crow bar in a matter of months. Getting him arrested for assault is a good start and if he's abusive physically there's a good chance he's abusive emotionally and that he wants you to feel this way.

Stay strong for yourself and your kids. You don't need a man who hits you in your or their, lives.

I'm sorry uv been through that,it's horrible to have someone you love turn on you in such a way.
I do not need a man like that and neither do my kids,they thought the world of him and he let us all down. I'm grieving for the person I thought he was and that's normal I guess.
I hope the law getting involved now will put an end to it,I still after everything wish him well and I hope this gets him the help he obviously needs. And the next woman in his life doesn't go through what I did.
Guess we never really know someone eh

Stavro Mueller

My god, this is getting nastier by the minute. You sound like a clued up person and this is going to stand to you in the end. It's great that you had the sense to get out before you really got sucked in. I've seen all too many heartbreaking threads here from women who feel trapped and can't bring themselves to leave.

I assume you're getting legal advice? Because that text that has been sent to you would be a great thing to have. Not to mention any other abusive texts you might get. If you're not doing so already, keep a log of everything bad coming your way. Calls, any harassment you might receive etc.

acuriouscat

Calhoun wrote: »

Understanding is irrelevant if he really cared.for you or the kids this wouldnt have happened.

In one way your lucky as it's early enough for him to show his true colors. Your priority should be on you and your kids.

As someone who grew up in a family where the partner stayed with the abusive ex (not my father ) i can tell you it was a horrible place to live. The tension all the time and a male figure who wasn't really that nice living in our home.

The only thing I will say without being two harsh on you and I mean this in the best of ways is please consider your kids that bit more in the future before making rash decisions. As id they aren't your primary focus in all things it may harm your relationship with them in the future.

I resented my mother for a long time for basically putting someone who treated her and us badly first.

No I understand what your saying,my children's father and I separated amicably 8 years back and they met two boyfriebds in that time,im not one who would bring a man around my children.i was taken in by this person,my whole family were. He was in our minds an amazing person. My children never witnessed any violence up til that last night wen I got us out of there.
I eat myself up that they had to see that,I made a huge mistake but hindsight is no good now,the damage is done

acuriouscat

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

My god, this is getting nastier by the minute. You sound like a clued up person and this is going to stand to you in the end. It's great that you had the sense to get out before you really got sucked in. I've seen all too many heartbreaking threads here from women who feel trapped and can't bring themselves to leave.

I assume you're getting legal advice? Because that text that has been sent to you would be a great thing to have. Not to mention any other abusive texts you might get. If you're not doing so already, keep a log of everything bad coming your way. Calls, any harassment you might receive etc.

Oh im not even telling you all how nasty it's gotten,he is such a liar and is deliberately trying to tarnish my name. He told my sister how sorry he was for what he's done to me and the kids and told me the same but in the last two weeks Iv heard some vicious horrible claims he's making. I get that some relationships don't work and you walk away but this man is 40 and is determined to ruin my life wen all I done was love him. That's what's killing me,we we're extremely close and I feel like my best friend just stabbed me in the back.
I think he knows deep down he screwed up and the only way he can feel better about his actions is to blame me

Stavro Mueller

Have you sought legal advice? What he's saying is slander.

acuriouscat

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

My god, this is getting nastier by the minute. You sound like a clued up person and this is going to stand to you in the end. It's great that you had the sense to get out before you really got sucked in. I've seen all too many heartbreaking threads here from women who feel trapped and can't bring themselves to leave.

I assume you're getting legal advice? Because that text that has been sent to you would be a great thing to have. Not to mention any other abusive texts you might get. If you're not doing so already, keep a log of everything bad coming your way. Calls, any harassment you might receive etc.

And yes I have legal advice,the Guards have also been amazing,he's tried ringing them to give out about me..can you believe it??
I'm not dealing with a normal person here,I really believe he's a narcissist. I hate this

acuriouscat

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Have you sought legal advice? What he's saying is slander.

I can't really say on here but it's horrific lies. I have all the proof he's lying but I still worry what fools might believe him

Stavro Mueller

Unfortunately you can't influence what people will think about you. Having said that, I get the feeling that even the fools who believe his words will end up changing their minds. As long as the people who are close to you and love you know what the truth is, you'll be grand. He also sounds a bit clueless. Phone calls to the guards and nasty texts aren't what anyone with an ounce of common sense would do. They're going to work against him as evidence in court.

acuriouscat

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Unfortunately you can't influence what people will think about you. Having said that, I get the feeling that even the fools who believe his words will end up changing their minds. As long as the people who are close to you and love you know what the truth is, you'll be grand. He also sounds a bit clueless. Phone calls to the guards and nasty texts aren't what anyone with an ounce of common sense would do. They're going to work against him as evidence in court.

I really hope so,
I wasn't going to press charges as I wanted to move on with my life and put him behind me but that was wen I believed he was torn up and remorsful for his actions.. He's not!
I hate this and I wish I didn't have to go to court but he needs to be held accountable for his behaviour and I want my children to know that I won't allow anyone to put fear in them like he did that night.
he gave up his business,his son,his house everything since this happened and moved back in with his mother the other end of the country which made me believe he needed help. He's not my problem though anymore. Me and the kids come first,he can be someone ekses problem now

bp

Good on you for getting out of that relationship. With regards your kids seeing that...hmm. I would say talk to them and discuss how violence is never the answer etc BUT I have no grounds for that advice. I am sure women's aid can advise.

Stay strong and remember none of this is your fault. The thruth will come out and those who believe the lies aren't worth knowing

acuriouscat

bp wrote: »

Good on you for getting out of that relationship. With regards your kids seeing that...hmm. I would say talk to them and discuss how violence is never the answer etc BUT I have no grounds for that advice. I am sure women's aid can advise.

Stay strong and remember none of this is your fault. The thruth will come out and those who believe the lies aren't worth knowing

Well thankfully when he hit me they didn't see that but they witnessed the verbal abuse that night unfortunately. My kids are teenagers and pretty sensible so they know he was totally out of order and aren't scarred by this thankfully
And yes I'm hoping your right,that the truth will come out
Thank u for your kind words

Lau2976

acuriouscat wrote: »

I'm sorry uv been through that,it's horrible to have someone you love turn on you in such a way.
I do not need a man like that and neither do my kids,they thought the world of him and he let us all down. I'm grieving for the person I thought he was and that's normal I guess.
I hope the law getting involved now will put an end to it,I still after everything wish him well and I hope this gets him the help he obviously needs. And the next woman in his life doesn't go through what I did.
Guess we never really know someone eh

Exactly, it feels like they do a 180 without any warning, even if the signs are obvious to other people.

Grieve for him, but try not to doubt your decisions. For me dwelling on the decisions he had made, and what he had done, only made me want to forgive him. It felt like I could rational his actions but i couldn't.

It's great that your gettinf legal advice and moving forward it will get easier.

acuriouscat

Lau2976 wrote: »

Exactly, it feels like they do a 180 without any warning, even if the signs are obvious to other people.

Grieve for him, but try not to doubt your decisions. For me dwelling on the decisions he had made, and what he had done, only made me want to forgive him. It felt like I could rational his actions but i couldn't.

It's great that your gettinf legal advice and moving forward it will get easier.

Yea I need to stop thinking of the good times and the plans we made cause no one is bad 100% of the time,if he was i never would have went out with him to begin with. But he showed what he is..now I just need to retrain my brain to focus on what he done,the lies,the violence and the total torment he put ne through.
I know I'll move on as you obviously have and hopefully I can only learn from it

acuriouscat

loulou2009 wrote: »

OP, I've experienced something similar and and my advice is

-Stop asking why he did this and wreaking your own head about his mental health etc
-This is about you and making sure you and your kids are physically safe. I dont want to worry you, but is there any chance he would come over and be violent or is he leaving you alone. If he does bother you, dont let him into the house and call the cops.
-You need to move on and recognise that this person was not amazing, this person either has mental health issues, anger issues or is just one of those men.... you were abused by this person, physically and emotionally, end of. Try saying that out loud to yourself without saying but he was so nice and amazing I cant understand this.... Normal fellas dont hit women.
-If you can afford it, see about going to therapy, whats happened to you is traumatic and you'll need some help processing your emotions

Also what your feeling -"he was such a nice guy, I cant understand this" is very normal. I think our brains try and go back and think, how on earth did I get myself into a situation like this. Is this my fault, can I not read people etc.... thats all normal

I think you did the right thing pressing charges and I hope that he stays away from you. Keep talking to other people about whats happened, its nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing great, lots of people would stay and you had the sense of mind to get out of a bad situation.

I will take your advice and try talk to others about how I feel,I guess I don't want to sound like a broken record and I also think if I keep going over it I'll bever move on.
He has totally destroyed me,I'm on anxiety and sleeping pills for the first time in my life but I'm not broken and I know I'll get through this
I can spend my life asking myself why,how ,but he's the only one who knows the answers and I need to move on. Your right,it wasn't my fault and I'll keep telling myself that until I truly believe it
Thank you

catonthewire

acuriouscat wrote: »

Yea I need to stop thinking of the good times and the plans we made cause no one is bad 100% of the time,if he was i never would have went out with him to begin with. But he showed what he is..now I just need to retrain my brain to focus on what he done,the lies,the violence and the total torment he put ne through.
I know I'll move on as you obviously have and hopefully I can only learn from it

Just read your last few posts, you really are a strong woman, even if it doesn't feel so at the moment....
With your children being the age they are and their positive input you will get through this mess, I bet even writing it all down and getting so much wonderful feedback has helped......

acuriouscat

catonthewire wrote: »

Just read your last few posts, you really are a strong woman, even if it doesn't feel so at the moment....
With your children being the age they are and their positive input you will get through this mess, I bet even writing it all down and getting so much wonderful feedback has helped......

Thank you for that
I don't feel so strong at the moment but I do know lots of people are going through much worse than me at the moment and I'll get through this.
He lost a Family with me and the kids,and I hope he realises some day what he done to us.but maybe people like him justify it.
Writing this here has definitely helped,I have good days and bad days and yesterday was a bad one. I'll keep motoring on,it's all I can do
And reading all the lovely comments from you all is restoring my faith that there is some good left in the world