Hopeless brother moving in with me

AnxiousAnna

Hi All,

Thanks for taking the time to read this, sorry it's so long, and hopefully you can offer some advice. My brother is 36 and suffers with ADHD and depression which has never been treated. He was always a bit off the rails, failed his leaving cert, never held down a job, started dabbling in drugs as a teenager but never got into any real trouble. A few years ago he found a job that he really settled into. He was enjoying it so much that he started studying part-time in a subject related to the area that he worked and was getting good grades. He also moved out of his dark, dingy squat of a flat and rented a really nice place instead. It finally looked like he was getting his life together.

But then last summer, job-related stress took its toll and he left his job, apartment and college. He had been smoking weed a lot and I think that this is the real reason his life has fallen apart. He is a completely different person from the fun, friendly, outgoing brother that I remember. His mood can change like the flick of a switch. He is withdrawn, moody and can often get aggressive if you question him about any of his issues. He has lost a lot of weight and walks around like a zombie with big brown circles around his eyes. He spends a lot of time with another unemployed friend smoking weed. They stay up until about 5 a.m. and then sleep until 5 p.m. They never leave the house unless it is to get food. They just sit in, smoking weed, watching sport or playing video games. What a waste of a life.

So since he has been on the dole, he has not paid his landlord any rent or bills and his phone was cut off. He spends at least €100 per week on weed. He used to borrow money off friends and family but people are only slowly copping on and not falling for his sympathy story anymore. I have had to plead with people to stop feeding his waster lifestyle as I don’t think he will get his life back on track until he has finally ended up in the gutter. Myself and my family have bailed him out of his debts so many times over the years and we just seem to be going around in circles. We need to find a permanent solution but we don’t know where to go.

I am 30 years old and suffer with MS, although I am relatively symptom free. I have a good job and rent a nice house on my own. My mum has done all she can for my brother and he has broken her heart. My dad washed his hands of him years ago, when he was still in school. My two sisters have children so basically it was decided that I would look after my brother, I would find him the help he needs and I will sort his life out for him. I wasn’t happy being left to do this all on my own but I had no choice as I want to help him and no one else will. I’m going to put this very bluntly but I feel like I have been left to clean up the mess that my parents made. They should have helped him years ago and he may not have ended up in this mess. I found a suitable GP, made an appointment, drove him to it, paid for it etc but as I work fulltime I asked my sister to take him the following weeks and this happened for two more weeks but then it stopped as she ’forgot’ to chase him up on it. Like you need to treat him like a 5 year old, making appointments for him and making sure he is brought to the doctor. He won’t do it on his own. He has told me he doesn’t want help and he won’t go to talk to any therapist but he is taking the medication that the GP prescribed.

Yesterday he sent me a message saying that his landlord is finally evicting him and asked if he can move in with me. (I think he knew his landlord through social circles which is why he managed to stay there for so long promising he’d have the rent next month etc.). I know it sounds so selfish but I really don’t want him living with me. If he said it’s just for a month while he looked for a new job and got his act together I would have no problem but I know this will be permanent. He will sit around all day smoking weed, making a mess, building up my electricity, heating and internet bills, eating my food. He is also very noisy and has irritating habits brought on by the ADHD like hyperactive spells with singing, whistling, banging doors, presses etc. I am trying to study for an ACCA exam in June so any chance of passing will be gone out the window. It is also stipulated in my lease that I cannot have anyone else live here so I am worried that I could lose the house if he moves in with me. But he has nowhere else to go now and there are no other options but living here with me. My mum has offered to give him money to pay a month’s rent elsewhere but where will he go after that? We will be back at square one. I think my only option is to take him in for one month and tell him he needs to go after that so hopefully he will get motivated to find a job and somewhere to live but honestly I know I will not be able to get him out of the house once he has his roots planted. I have seen him do this to other people in the past which is why he has exhausted all other options and is now targeting me.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I would love to hear from people who can offer any advice,

Anxious Anna

Tokyo

Hi Anna,

to be perfectly blunt, I can see why you are anxious, and if I were in your situation, I wouldn't let him move in with me either. I know that they say that blood is thicker than water, but your brother has problems - problems that he as of yet has no interest in confronting, and problems that he needs far more professional help with than you are equipped to give him.

I appreciate that you think think that only option is to take him in for one month and tell him he needs to go after that, but you know that isn't going to happen. After the first month it will be another month, then another after that, all while you are suffering the consequences of that.

For better or worse he needs to deal with his issues himself, rather than ignore the issue and leech off other people. I'd recommend telling him you'll be supportive of any efforts he makes to clean himself up and get a job, and even provide information on resources that are available to him, but other than that he needs to find his own way. Even if that means hitting rock bottom first.

AnxiousAnna

Thanks Mike,

I completely agree with your post but I just cant help feeling selfish. I guess I just needed to hear someone else say that it's ok if I say no. Like when I think about just saying no and telling him to find his own place to live, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But no one wants to see their brother homeless. I have looked online and there are plenty of cheap rooms to rent if he would just bother to get up off his butt and get a job so I suppose I have to stop feeling sorry for him.

My mum just called over to talk about it and stayed less than half an hour scratching her head trying to come up with a solution. She said it should be up to me to help as I am the only one with no kids and my other sisters are busy with their own families. Anyway, you're probably right. I think sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind. Hopefully reaching rock bottom will give him the kick that he needs. It all sounds a lot easier than its going to be.

Thanks,
Anna

Tokyo

Selfish thinking is telling you that you are obligated to take care of this because your mother and siblings feel that their lives are more important. It's not your responsibility to take this onboard, and your family are very much in the wrong for trying to guilt you into doing so.

Continuing to cater to your brother like this through a sense of guilt or obligation is only going to result in him continuing down the same path, and you seem to know this yourself. Your brother has already proven that he's perfectly able to function in the real world when he chooses to, and his situation right now is completely of his own making. Point him towards the resources you think can help him by all means, but ultimately it's up to him and him alone to seek help.

Big Bag of Chips

Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you have to take your brother in. The help he needs goes far beyond the remit of that which his family can give him. And to be honest, he has told you all he doesn't want help.

Is there a reason he can't move back in with your mam? It's easy for them all to say they're washing their hands of him, yet expecting you to take him on.

I'm sorry to say, OP, and it's really difficult, but he's an adult. He is responsible for himself. And the harsh fact is, as a family you have been enabling him for years. And if you take him in you are continuing to enable him. You know he won't sort himself out in your house. Your family know he won't sort himself out, but at least he won't be their problem.

You will feel enormous guilt if you say no, but I really think you have no option. If you do take him in you will grow more and more frustrated with attempts to sort him out. He doesn't want to sort himself out, and he certainly doesn't want all of you interfering trying to sort him out.

I think as a family you need to all accept that, and you need to explain to your family that whether he lives with you or not he is not going to change. Use the excuse of your landlord specifically saying you cannot have anyone else live with you, and tell them you cannot risk losing your home. You can also tell them that if he moved in with you he wouldn't have much of an incentive to move out. Whereas if he moved in with someone else it wouldn't be suitable for it to become a longterm thing. They are all making flimsy enough excuses not to take him in.. You can come up with a few of your own.

The more you (as a family) do for him, the less he will do for himself.

tinkerbell

OP, the only people being selfish here are your parents and siblings by demanding that YOU take on your brother's problems. He is not your responsibility- he is an adult, not a child. Your mother is being incredibly, incredibly selfish saying that you need to take him in just because you have no kids of your own - WTF?!

Tell your brother no. It's time he got help for his own problems. Otherwise you'll be still living with him in a year's time at which point your home life will be in tatters.

nozipcode

I completely see why you are anxious, this is a big ask, especially for a 30yr old who shouldn't have such responsibilities as looking after you brother, particularly in your own home.

However, if he did stay with you for say, 1 month, could you not lay down the law and say weed is not allowed/you must be quiet and respect other house members etc? Should ADHD be an excuse for bad behaviour in an adult? Maybe explore those questions if you already haven't.

Could another family member be engaged to agree that if he did not have his own place to stay after one month with you that they take him on instead? It may be the solution that allows you to give him a chance, but be secure that he will not be on the streets if he fails to get it together (he should have it together by now - i'd guess he seen you or someone else as a fallback-plan all this time).

nozipcode

Also, are you sure weed is the reason for this? I know lots of heavy smokers but none of them call family/friends up looking for money to feed their habit. Could other drugs perhaps be involved?

strandroad

My mum has offered to give him money to pay a month’s rent elsewhere

And so he should take it, it might be helpful if he sees that he won't be accommodated by the family.

What does your brother say to you? It sounds like everyone else has an opinion but him.

Do you think he's at risk due to depression?

Eeden

I understand where you are coming from, I have a brother who is similar, but older. You won't get any thanks, and to be honest, you will not help your brother by taking him in - you will only bring a world of stess on yourself, and your family will possibly end up judging you when it goes wrong, as it most likely will.

I know that family ties can be strong, but sometimes you have to just realise that it's not your job to help a grown-up sibling, especially if it's going to damage you.

OUTDOORLASS

I would also be worried about your MS. Maybe put the question to the regulars in the MS/LongTerm Illness forum,
what would they think this kind of stress could do to your condition. You say you are symptom free at the moment.
You dont want to lose that state.......If you went into a relapse, it might take ages to get it back under control.

LegacyUser

I have a very similar situation to you, OP, in that i am 30 with MS and have a brother with mental health and addiction issues. The only difference is my family understand how stress can impact on my disease so they do not expect me to get involved in his problems. Whether your MS is active does not matter. You know how unpredictable this disease is, and if you were to invite the stress of that into your life you would be asking for trouble.

Do not feel guilty by putting yourself first.

Be well x

AnxiousAnna

Wow, I am overwhelmed by the responses here. Thank you all for taking the time to share your advice, it's greatly appreciated. I actually thought when I posted the original thread that I would get berated for being such a selfish sister and not helping my brother out so it was a surprise to see all the opinions in my favour!

I think you have all given me the strength and reassurance to stand up for myself and say no to him moving him. It's nice to see what others think looking at the situation from the outside and it highlighted to me that he is an adult and he is capable of making decisions that would improve his life. He is not absolutely dysfunctional and he has currently chosen this lifestyle because we keep bailing him out and it's an easy life for him. I want to take the time to answer some of your questions.

I have a spare room in my house while none of my other family members do. But in my mind if someone desperately needs a roof over their head they can sleep on a couch or a blow up mattress. He can't move in with our mam because he does not get along with our dad. Dad works from home and will be on my brothers case 24/7. This is why my brother has got away with his behaviour for so long. We all feel sorry for him as dad basically disowned him when he was still in secondary school and was starting to get up to mischief, which just escalated my brothers bad behaviour. Mam blames herself for not sorting out that issue years ago so this is why she chooses to bail him out all of the time. In my mind, these two people brought him into the world and made a right mess of his upbringing so he is their problem not mine. He blames the depression and anger issues on his non-relationship with dad so we just end up feeling sorry for him and bailing him out again. I don't think he is at any serious risk with the depression.

Regarding the weed, I think it is a form of escapism. I don't do drugs myself so I am not an expert but I have done research while trying to find him help and I discovered that long term, heavy, drug abuse will lead to a lack of motivation to apply yourself to college/work, mood wings, depression, irritability, aggression, all of these psychological symptoms that he has developed over the years. Most of his friends smoke once a week and they are fine. He told me that he spends around €100 a week on weed, but that is what he is telling me, so who knows? I don't know how much that is as I have never bought/smoked it myself. He also told me that he owes the dealer a few hundred euros. I am pretty certain he is not doing other drugs. I know he has done cocaine and pills in the past but he said he doesn't like those drugs, just weed. I have also asked around in his social circles and people that I can trust confirmed he is only smoking weed.

Regarding the MS, it is known as the 'invisible illness' for a reason. I look perfectly healthy, no one at work knows I have it. But I don't feel well inside. I suffer a lot from fatigue, vertigo and visual disturbances, particularly in stressful situations. I have been exhausted all weekend with just the thoughts of my brother moving in. If he was to come and live here, I know my health would suffer but no one else can see that and would just think I'm pulling out the 'MS' card. They say when you get diagnosed with MS, you need to learn to say 'no' more often and I think that this is one of those times.

Thank you all for your advice, its helped me a lot in making my decision as I was seriously considering letting him move in when I originally posted but your words have helped me make the best decision for both me and my brother. Its time to give him the kick he needs to get back to reality and sort his life out once and for all. I know it won't be easy and he has a long journey ahead of him but hopefully this will be the initial shock of reality that he needs!

Taltos

Well done for the tough choice. I think it's the right call, especially having experience of a similar family member. Be strong for the guilt trips and push backs but at this stage he has to help himself.

Thinking of you.
T

sadie9

The more people provide support the less he will help himself.

Tough love.
I love and care for you, but I can't support your current behaviour.
He needs to be independent and get his own accommodation.

face1990

You absolutely have to say no to this. Moving in with you will not fix his problems. He needs to professional help, which he has to seek out himself. He may have to hit rock-bottom before he'll do this.
By letting him move in with you, you'd be facilitating his current lifestyle.

Also it's unfair to make him your responsibility. If he moved in, he'd be your problem 24/7.
Trying to kick him out a few months down the line will be a hundred times harder than just saying no now.

LegacyUser

This is absolutely not your problem and if you let him move in you will only enable his behaviour. You wil end up financing his lifestyle and being bled dry.
He has shown previously he had the capability to get a job, pay rent and go to college, however now that he has thrown that away it's not your problem to sort it out, in fact you won't sort it it as he will continue to do what he is doing. Tough love on this one and say no.

AnxiousAnna

Thank you all for taking the time to post your advice. I put my foot down and told my family that I couldn't do it. They were actually more supportive and understanding than I expected. I think when I explained my reasons, they agreed that it would be wrong for me to take on the extra stress. I think venting here made me clarify everything in my own mind so that I got my points across clearly and calmly rather than going off on one!

My brother didn't take it so well and sent me a load of abuse via Viber so I didn't even reply to him and havn't spoken to him since. I don't know where he is but my family have been in touch with him so I know he is ok. I'm just going to steer clear of him for a while so that I don't back down. His response to me not letting him move in was confirmation that I have made the right decision!

Thanks again for giving me the strength and support to stick up for myself!