Boyfriend drama ....anger issues??

Grace_31

Hi there.
So here goes. My boyfriend of nearly a year is the most sweet guy. He's kind and genuine and very good to me. I always feel number 1 and we have everything in common from family values to music etc.
Anyway we have had a few arguments nothing major always over little things and it's sorted pretty much straight away. He has admitted that sometimes he can't control his anger and has said he has smashed a phone or 2 in temper which I have never witnessed.
So the other night we were having a nice evening in and I brought up a topic that we have discussed before and had agreed on certain changes that we would both make. I just tried to mention that we haven't really done much about that since we talked and he got really mad. He was shouting and quiet verbal to me. I kept asking him to calm down that he was hurting me with what he was saying and then he just started breaking things. I was really shocked and just froze.
Afterwards he left the room and I found him crying so I tried to comfort him and find out what happened that caused such a strong reaction from him.
We talked about things and we have been fine since but it's playing on my mind a lot. Not sure where to go from here...all advice welcome as I'm feeling totally lost. Thanks in advance.

jopax

Where you go from here is really up to you.

Personally it would be a major red flag, & being honest I don't think I would want to continue in a relationship with that unpredictable volatility.

Having said that if you do want to move forward with him, I would insist at the very least that he gets some help\counselling,.

There is obviously something that is not right with this behaviour.

I just hope you mind yourself, whatever you decide, good luck.

groovyychick23

I was in a relationship for almost 2 years with someone like this. I had to be very careful of what id say or do in case it would set him off. It all got to much in the end and he was never going to change. Talk to your boyfriend about this and let you know how your feeling

Tigger99

I don't think you realise how manipulative he was being. He lashes out and scares you and you end up comforting him? Never mind his initial reaction!

I bet you'll think twice now about raising that kind of conversation again. I wonder what other kind of subtle changes you'll make so he doesn't get angry. I've been there and all that happened as that I lost a sense of myself as I was so busy pandering to his moods.

retro:electro

Tigger99 wrote: »

I don't think you realise how manipulative he was being. He lashes out and scares you and you end up comforting him? Never mind his initial reaction!

I bet you'll think twice now about raising that kind of conversation again. I wonder what other kind of subtle changes you'll make so he doesn't get angry. I've been there and all that happened as that I lost a sense of myself as I was so busy pandering to his moods.

This 100%
It's emotional manipulation op, whether you realise it or not.

woodchuck

Tigger99 wrote: »

I don't think you realise how manipulative he was being. He lashes out and scares you and you end up comforting him? Never mind his initial reaction!

I bet you'll think twice now about raising that kind of conversation again. I wonder what other kind of subtle changes you'll make so he doesn't get angry. I've been there and all that happened as that I lost a sense of myself as I was so busy pandering to his moods.

anna080 wrote: »

This 100%
It's emotional manipulation op, whether you realise it or not.

I just have echo these two posts. Whatever about his initial reaction (which is bad enough), the fact that YOU were the one to comfort HIM afterwards speaks volumes. You've known him less than a year? It sounds like his true colours are starting to shine through.

I'll be perfectly honest OP... if I was you, I'd walk. I know it seems extreme, but I have a no tolerance policy when it comes to this kind of behaviour after my own experiences. This is a HUGE red flag. Why would you want to be with a guy who has these kinds of anger issues and manipulative tendancies? Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells? I know the natural reaction is 'but he's not like this all the time' and 'he can be so sweet' (been there, bought the t-shirt), but you'll never be happy knowing that this side of him is bubbling beneath the surface ready to erupt at any time.

Matteroffact

The fact that he was crying afterwards would come across to me like he lost control and then he was very sorry and realized it. The thing is that he should be prepared to do something about this now, like getting counselling and tell him if it ever happens again you are gone. I am not saying that this is the right or wrong thing to do, it is just what I would do.

LadyAthame

that he was hurting me with what he was saying and then he just started breaking things.

Eventually you won't be able to have nice things.

Abusers are the Queens/Kings of emotional manipulation. The way they say F**k you is ' I love you' ' Trust me'...'You are overreacting'.

My ex used to feign or perhaps really feel tremendous amounts of guilt. He would get ME TO COMFORT HIM after being violent towards me.

He might not be violent he might not ever get violent. But if Abuser is the family then verbal abuser is a sub group of that family. He may not be in the same species as someone who commits domestic violence. But they are both part of a wider group. Not all men who abuse furniture or verbally go on to hit you. But most men who hit you verbally abuse you too. They are not the same species but they are in the same family.

If you were in this too. If you were bullying and setting him off or something it might be different. We all lose our temper and maybe he is genuinely sorry. Maybe he was overwhelmed.

Is he genuine?? Because a lot of abusers simply use 'I love you' to control you when 'you are hideous..I hate you' has stopped working.

You deserve respect and care.

I realized 'I love you' did not mean I respect you I care for you and I really love you. It meant ' do what I want you to'.

Can you and HE differentiate anger from abuse?

Many posters might try and find out where he is coming from or suggest we are too harsh etc. What I would say is kind people can lose it. We should not be defending that..the only saving grace is he did not hit you.

Talk to him. Ask him how close he came to hitting you? Ask him does he realize what that would do to you ? How would it make him feel?

YOU CAN'T HELP HIM CONTROL HIMSELF. Please know this. Absolutely we should not antagonize our partner. But often these outbursts have nothing to do with us.

Absolutely emotional meltdowns due to being overwhelmed by our emotions are different for everyone. But they are different to abuse.

If someone loses their anger ....well I have a temper too....what If I lose mine back..what if you lost YOUR temper.

HE is the one who needs to work on this. You have done nothing wrong..(I am assuming you haven't). You don't go changing yourself just to not be abused. TRUST ME ...that is a horrible path..it's totally unfair and it's wrong.

he has smashed a phone or 2 in temper which I have never witnessed.

The fact that it happens with others shows it's not about you. But also it shows he is not simply an abusive partner but a hot head. In an inverse way it's kind of reassuring he is not just like this with you.

BUT HE SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY WITH YOU.

You are his GF. You BOTH should be trying to be good for one another and helping each other be the best and happiest in life.

It's about respect.

Talk.. ask him would he try counseling?

If you are afraid of someone ....it's very hard to be normal around them..

And the crying ...it's actually NOT about making him feel bad ...but helping him do better. ........We all crack up ....i don't know how to quantify this behavior ...it's tough to say ..but it obviously has shaken you. Ask him to communicate what was going on in his head.


Also OP your background ?? Have you ever been in this position before?

tell him if it ever happens again you are gone.

The threat of that will not stop him. Only him wanting to change will. In fact when I said that to my ex he accused me of holding it as a threat.