End long term relationship because of sex life?

LegacyUser

I'm in a long term relationship (5 years +) and I'm unhappy with our sex life.

I believe the reason why is because my girlfriend is very self conscious, not just about her appearance but she'd be afraid or reluctant to try new things (general things, not just sexual) in fear of not knowing what to do or in case she'd look silly.

It can be very frustraing. She looks great, she's big into fitness so she's in great shape but even still she gets embarrassed when i look at her undress.

I always initiate sex. Only exceptions would be the handful of times when she was drunk and she initiated it. She has said that when she does want sex she doesnt act on it out of nervousness or not knowing how to, even though we've been going out for years.

She doesn't like receiving oral sex even though I tell her I want to and when she does if for me she'd be very self conscious about it ie. not wanting me to look at her while she's doing it, so I can't really enjoy it.

When we do have sex it's not always great, she's too self conscious to try other positions so it ends up being the same, I do all the "work" etc etc.

We've talked about this a lot so she knows its a major issue. She has tried to address it in the last year or two but there's been no significant progress. I try to be understanding and maybe it's partly my fault for being too patient and not pushing her out of her comfort zones?
I've tried to convince her to go to counselling or CBT to help but she hasn't gone yet.

How long do I wait for things to change? I love her and don't want to end it over this but sex is a big part of a relationship for me and it's making me unhappy so I can't see myself living with this issue forever.

LadyAthame

It could be she just doesn't have a big sex drive some people, particularly women don't.

I try to be understanding and maybe it's partly my fault for being too patient and not pushing her out of her comfort zones?

It's not for you to push her out of her comfort zones. Different people are different sexually. I think you need to ask her who she is sexually and either accept it or see that you are incompatible.

If it is nerves try some relaxation exercises. Especially ones where you give her all the power.

Tell her you totally accept her etc.

But to be honest you can't control this part of her and the no. one thing you can do to put someone off sex is try to badger them for sex. She is going to end up resenting it and so are you.

Be fair to both of you.

laserlad2010

This exact thing happened to me in my LTR. OP, you need to think long and hard about this. If the lack of sex is making you unhappy, you need to look after yourself. In my case I tried to compensate but in the end cheated on my partner out of sheer frustration.

You need to put yourself first. Sexual appetite would, IMO, be as important as personality or sense of humour. If your personalities didnt match would you stay with her? Just because it's sex doesn't mean you have to listen to the dreamers on here who think it's not an issue.

Please, please put yourself first. It's not selfish if you're becoming unhappy. As I experienced, it could lead you to a place where you look elsewhere and the worst thing about that was that I hated myself much more than if I had just broken her heart in the first place.

You deserve happiness as much as her. Just because that happiness includes a sexual element doesn't invalidate it.

Sleepy

Time to leave before you get trapped OP.

Eircom_Sucks

i left my gf of 5 years because the exact same thing

now everybody is diff but it was best decision i ever made

you will get worse and worse and like a diff poster said , ud cheat

my advice get out etc she won't change and not fair to expect her to change

gsi300024v

Were you very adventurous yourself in previous relationships?
Make sure you are not unconsciously bringing your issues to the table and seeing them as her issues.