Anxiety, depression mental health issues and the stigma attached

Emmaengineer

Hi,

My name is Emma, I'm 27, have a great job in the film and TV industry and I suffer from anxiety and mild depression brought on by my anxiety.

I've suffered with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, which was brought on by some difficult things I've had to face in my life.

I was bullied as a kid so badly we had to move house as I was considered 'different' for being half Pakistani, half Irish. When I was 5 my mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer which was successfully treated and when I was 11 her cancer unfortunately returned, this time in her lungs and spread quite badly. At the time we were told she had 3 months to live, it was an incredibly difficult and confusing time but thankfully 16 years on she's still alive, healthy and as big a pain in the bum as all mothers are!

But most recently I've gone through the most difficult experience in my life that has triggered 2 breakdowns and more extreme anxiety attacks than I have ever experienced. I lost my loving wonderful dad to suicide.

I know anyone reading this, friends, family, work colleagues etc, most will not know that that is how my dad passed away. My mum wanted to protect his memory and has instead told people he died of a heart attack. I don't think it tarnishes his memory one bit. There is no shame in suicide. It is an extremely unfortunate result of depression and mental health issues. It is something that should be spoken more openly and honestly about and not something to be hidden.

When he died, for the first year, I didn't have time to think. My mum had been through enough in her life and I needed to protect her so I looked after what I could which meant giving statements to the guards and dealing with the inquest, The second year was much harder. My anxiety, which had not been too bad to this point, got extremely bad. I was getting constant panic attacks, constant terrifying nightmares which meant I wasn't sleeping, and my mood swings were completely erratic. I would be fine one minute, angry the next and in floods of tears straight after. It was making my job, which I love and have worked extremely hard for, very difficult to do and it made life in general a struggle.

My anxiety meant that I would constantly worry and over think about stupid little things that no one else would even care about or think about. What would cause mild embarrassment for some people, could cause a full scale mental blowout for someone who is anxious a lot like me. The worrying and over thinking brought on panic attacks and when I wasn't having a panic attack I was worrying when the next one would hit. They were horrible, my chest would tighten up to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe, I'd become dizzy, my mind would go blank and it could take anything from a few minutes to half an hour to calm myself down.

I felt like I was no longer in control of my own mind or body and that is such a horrible powerless feeling to have. I had no control over what happened to me as a child, what happened with my mum or my dad but surely I should have some control over my own mind and body?! They were occurring so frequently that I didn't really want to go see my friends in public, in work I wouldn't really leave my studio for fear I'd have one in front of my colleagues.

I had never really opened up to anyone about the things I had been through in my life. I knew my friends were there for me if I needed them, they always reminded me of that, but I was never comfortable opening up to anyone. After the bullying I had been through as a child and a mild form of bullying I had been through in secondary school, I didn't trust anyone. My worst fear was that I would open up to someone and they would judge me harshly, not understand me and treat me like I wasn't normal or didn't deserve any understanding or time. I hinted to a few friends that these attacks were happening but I never really told them the full extent or how terrifying I was finding them.

Eventually I began to be able to block out what had happened with my dad and all the other bad memories that had been brought to the surface again and the panic attacks became less frequent as did the nightmares. This was helped, in a huge part, by taking up aerial classes. It gave me something to focus my mind on, something that I had to focus and concentrate on. I started to sleep properly again, I began spending more time with my friends and socialising again and I started to date again. I had realised all I wanted to do was meet someone I could finally open up with and be myself with, panic attacks and all, and find someone I could finally trust and I did. Or so I thought.

He was my first ever Tinder date and until recently, my only ever Tinder date. He works in the same industry to me just not in the same section, he had the same creativity and passion about his work as I do, he had an understanding of my weird and wonderful job and work hours, an understanding of the stress I could be under and an understanding that sometimes plans might have to be canceled an hour before meeting up cause that's just the nature of the job. We had similar interests, he was kind, sweet, charming and attractive. I fell for him instantly.
I finally felt like this was someone I could open up to and be myself with but I didn't. I didn't want to scare him away. I told him small bits of information. I told him what I had been through so he knew I had scars and he knew I was a little broken, but I never really got into how much it had affected me. I had started getting some mild panic attacks and nightmares again and I hid them well while we were together. I spent a lot of time at night, when both are at their worst, locked in his bathroom trying to calm myself down so as not to wake him and let him see me in this state.

We were together 8 wonderful months and then a week before Valentine's Day after just getting back from a surprise trip to London I had got him, he broke up with me. He said while he cared for me he just didn't care for me enough as a potential life partner and that while he had fun with me he just didn't miss me when I wasn't around. I wasn't expecting it and I didn't see it coming. I took the brake up extremely badly which neither of us were expecting.

I know now my reaction had very little to do with the breakup, everything I had been through and suppressed was now coming back up ten times worse, but at the time it was extremely confusing and I couldn't see that. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, I couldn't function, my anxiety reached peak level. I began over analysing everything, worrying about everything. I was making stupid, irrational decisions, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to do anything. Every day was becoming a struggle. He couldn't understand why I was taking it so bad. At first he was nice about it and agreed to still keep in contact and still see each other as friends to help me through it. But as the weeks went on and I continued to stay the same be began to get frustrated and angry with me and turn against me. He kept telling me that I needed to get on with my life that I needed to stop this, why was I doing this to myself? I know now I was going through a brake down, I clearly wasn't myself, I wasn't behaving like me but I couldn't stop it. The best way I can describe it is that a black cloud began to come over my mind and I could no longer make proper rational decisions. I was in auto pilot mode.

My lowest point, probably in all my life, came the day before St Patrick's day. I had repeatedly asked him not to cut contact with me completely as I wasn't sure what that would do to me , something he said he understood and agreed to, but that day he did. That was my breaking point. I tried to contact him in some way to find out why he had cut contact, what I had done, but he wouldn't respond. I sent him a message which he took as me saying I was going to hurt myself. For a split second I did want to hurt myself. I wanted to stop feeling out of control, I wanted to feel 'normal' again, I wanted my life back but I didn't see how that could happen. But it was for a split second and then I remembered that was never ever going to be the answer.

He never tried to call me or contact me or my friends in any way to see if I was ok after I sent that. I called him the following morning and by chance got through to him and woke him up. I wanted to apologise for sending such depressed messages, for being such a mess and to tell him I wanted to try get better. When he answered he shouted at me, told me he had called the guards to my house to see if I was alright and hung up. I was a mess. I couldn't believe he had called the guards and not even bothered to check himself to see if I was ok. Whether he was angry with me or not it wasn't the caring humane thing to do. I went to his apartment to try speak to him in person, find out why he had done that and get something belonging to me back.

Instead I was treated literally like a piece of crap. He refused to answer the door to me, refused to even speak to me, he got his house mate to shout through the door to me. They wouldn't tell me anything that had happened with the guards, they wouldn't return my property, a ticket to a comedy show that week, they could hear I was panicked, upset, scared and they treated me with no respect, no kindness, no decency. I was repeatedly told I needed help, to get the **** away. The worse part was one of his housemates is female. If I had been in that position with another girl outside my door clearly extremely upset and frightened I would have tried to make sure she was ok, I would have tried to help calm the situation. She did nothing.

Eventually they agreed to slide my ticket under the door, they wouldn't even open it to hand it to me as a person. I felt so worthless. I went home and didn't leave my bed for 2 days after that. His reaction toward me had been my worst nightmare. It had been the reaction I had feared all my life about opening up to anyone and telling them what I'd been through.

After that I knew I needed to seek professional help. I had never sought out counselling. It wasn't for me. I've always considered myself a strong person, I've tried to get through everything I've experienced alone and until this point I had succeeded well enough. But I couldn't believe someone I had cared about, someone I thought was a friend could put me through that.

I've learned now from my counsellor that I most likely have mild PTSD after everything I've been through with my dad. I'm only a few weeks into the sessions, they are incredibly tough and there are moments where I just do not want to put myself through reliving all my bad blocked out memories, but I'm making myself do it. I'm hopeful in the long run it will help.

I've tried repeatedly to contact my ex, to make amends, put all the bad stuff behind us and get on civil terms for at least the sake of both our careers since we will inevitably have to see each other and possibly work together, but it's been met with aggression and anger and accusations of harassing him. I've tried to explain that that person he saw recently was not me. I broke down. But he has no want or need to understand what happened to my mind. I'd like to be the bigger person and say I have no anger towards him for his actions to me, but I do. He showed me no decency and no respect when I was very clearly suffering and has never once apologised for his actions.

This is why I've chosen to speak out. He knew me for 8 months, he knew I was a good, kind, sweet caring person. Yet as soon as I behaved in a way he didn't deem acceptable or normal, instead of trying to understand why I was acting that way, he turned his back on me. People with anxiety, depression, any form of mental health issues, have very little control to stop it a lot of the time. Their loved ones and friends won't be able to stop it for them either. But showing someone who is suffering a mental health issue a bit of patience, kindness and understanding usually helps a lot.

I'm getting my life back on track, I've started returning to my aerial classes more regularly and I'm taking part in my first performance shows in a few weeks, I've thrown myself back into my work and I'm being much more social and spending time with my friends as much as possible. I've started eating properly again and I'm finally starting to sleep again. I've still a long way to go. I still get nightmares, I still get panic attacks and I'm still dealing with my anxiety but I'm hopeful I can get through them all.

I recently posted something on facebook, a few illustration drawings I had seen on mental health Ireland's page, that explained anxiety really well. As soon as I posted it I received quite a few private messages from friends saying they suffered with anxiety too but would never talk about it publicly for fear of being judged. This needs to stop. Mental health is a completely common issue. There is nothing 'abnormal' about it. No one should ever, ever be judged for finding things difficult at times.

I urge everyone, if you ever see a friend, family member, even just an acquaintance going through a difficult time like I described, please do not turn your back on them. Please do not judge them, please be patient with them, show them some kindness and understand that they might be going through something difficult that you might not fully understand but that doesn't mean they don't deserve your time, patience or understanding.

To anyone suffering from a mental health issue who, like me, thought counselling wasn't for them, I urge you to try it. It's tough, it's really tough, but I know in the long run it is going to help me. It's funny how it can take a perfect stranger to remind you of the best parts about yourself. My counsellor has reminded me that I am strong, I am independent, I am a survivor, that I've been through a lot of traumas and I've come out the other side. One of the best things I've done is take up aerial classes, I know for other people it's to go for a run. Just please find something that makes you happy and keeps your mind focused before it goes to that awful dark place.

shaymus27

Thanks for posting such an honest open post.

You are attempting to help others and trying to help people avoid unnecessary suffering by seeking help.

It is a very touching post and you deserve great respect and appreciation for it.

There are many threads on boards due to not seeking help and your thread might help viewers seek the help they know they need but won't seek.

That you got messages telling you others felt the same but wouldn't go public shows how averse people are to being open about mental health issues which is why your thread is an excellent one. People relate more to people's personal experience than simply being told what to do.

You might see a gp or psychologist to help you if you have ptsd.

Thanks again for trying to help others by being so open and honest.

Hope you go on to have a happy, contented life.

bbsrs

Well written , informative post.Thanks for sharing . Good luck Emma.

IlmoNT4

Emma , its a great post.... Do yourself a favour, dont contact your ex anymore to explain anything. He doesnt want to know and every time you contact him, you are reaffirming in his mind that you are unwell. Forget about him calling the cops, if he had, they would have turned up at your place. I'm presuming they didnt so dont think about it anymore. As for your personal items, forget about them, they are not important. Every time you contact him, you are triggering yourself and its important that you realise with PTSD what triggers you and how you can create a safe and loving space for yourself. Only you can do that by making sure that negative people or just ****ty people are not allow into your physical life or into your mind.

Some people dont know how to handle their own emotions when other people around them are having a bad time. I know you think it was a cruel and mean way to deal with you but in my experience the only people who will love and take care of you in situations like that are your family and good friends...not ex boyfriends or their flatmates. You were in the middle of a breakdown and you reached out to the wrong person...I'm speaking from experience and with experiences of PTSD, talk over with your therapist about a plan that you can put into action when you are triggered. This plan will include a list of people who you can contact who will be respectful and there to support you should this happen again. I know how hard this is for you, and I think part of this condition is reaching out to the wrong people, expecting them to support you.

Good Luck Emma, your doing the right thing by going to therapy and I'm sorry to hear about your Dad

MrWalsh

Hi Emma,
Thanks for such a lovely honest post.

Mental health issues affect us all, whether we suffer or know someone who suffers. There should be no stigma.

I have suffered from anxiety as well and I can remember a time where I really thought I was having a heart attack because the pain in my chest was so bad and I couldnt breathe properly. I also suffered tragic events in my life and for a long time I would just block them and try not to think about them because it was too painful. Even now, many years since those events it can still upset me to think about them. I did group therapy for years and it really saved me I think. Id been subjected to a specific type of stress (parental alcoholism) so the group therapy really suited the issues I had.

I am sorry that your ex and his friends/flatmates were so unhelpful to you, although I can understand why they behaved the way they did. I think it would be best for you to not try to contact him again, he has made it clear he doesnt want contact and you trying to contact him is not going to help you at all as continued rejection will only have a negative impact. Its also important to respect other peoples boundaries even when we dont like those boundaries.

I wish you all the best and am glad that you are getting the help you need.

santana75

Emmaengineer wrote: »

People with anxiety, depression, any form of mental health issues, have very little control to stop it a lot of the time.

You did go through a lot with your Mum's cancer and your father's death but I'd have to disagree with the above statement. Thats giving away responsibility for and control of your own mental and emotional health too much. I honestly dont think your ex did anything wrong. It sounds like he did all he could do but you just needed too much from him. He was just a guy who was faced with a situation that was too much for somebody who wasnt a trained therapist to deal with.