Have A Date Friday, Still Pining Over Ex

zcorpian88

Ok all, I'm in a bit of a tie here, I have a date on Friday, this random girl I have seen in town but I don't really know her, my cousin's girlfriend had something to do with it and this girl added me on Facebook, the thing is I've been spending the last 5 months or so being completely down about my ex who I ended it with in November, my few other relationships ended amicably but my recent one I ended which was a first for me,

I've dropped my story on here once or twice in the last while but me managing to get a date this week is a slight update from the ones before

Anyway...

My breakup was unbelievably difficult for me to do as it was the longest relationship I had been in, was nearly 2 years and it was a long distance relationship, both of us were heavily invested emotionally, I fell for her and compromised all the way, I came up to see her as often as I could it was me travelling 90% of the time, anything she wanted I tried to get it for her and succeeded most of the time, when she was feeling down I comforted her to make her feel better, anything she wanted to do we did, I listened and tried to the best of my ability to understand our conversations about her masters and her PhD that she was doing when I ended it, complex as it was.

I ended it because I was bottling up an issue she fired at me in the second year of the relationship, well the the first year she kept saying in a jokey way that she didn't want kids and being that we weren't going out long it was the last thing on my mind were only 22 and 24 at the time and I didn't want to settle down until I have the money to look after a family and that we were together a while and genuinely happy and so on. Anyway into the second year she got a little bit more serious on the subject and said because she is an academic in a science field that she is statistically to have a child with autism. I didn't know how to react to what was said so I just stayed silent on it really and the issue was poking at me on and off for months but I didn't want to break it off because really it wasn't in my comprehension to do that, I really don't get this lucky with someone like her everyday, she was amazing. I was thinking "Maybe she'll change her mind and open up to the possibility of it and take a chance" She made me the happiest I've ever been but the issue was just poking and proding me for quite some time.

I didn't want her to believe everything she reads and for her to diagnose herself unfairly to be sort of inferior and limiting herself of doing whatever she wanted and I was willing to take it further as long as she was happy with me. I also think it's partly to do with the fact she's adopted and has some issues with her biological mother who she met a number of years ago and might not want to continue the gene pool so to speak because of her. She despises the woman and she had a number of remarks throughout the relationship like "Oh I would have been so much cleverer if not for her and her lifestyle" Where I look at her and say "You're fine the way you are, how could you be more clever? You're a young phD student for God's sake" She used to beat herself up for ridiculous things that didn't even matter and I constantly had to comfort her over all sorts of things, it was exhausting but I did it because I loved her and she'd do the same for me.

She is an insanely dedicated academic and towards the end she made very little time for me and it was my birthday back in October and I wanted her to come down and visit me for a get together with my friends and I wanted everyone that was important to me to be there, but she signed up to some paper through her supervisor which is joined with some woman in America which she wasn't obligated to do but she kept saying "Yes" and jumping to his every whim even if she doesn't have to and she could have been just doing her own research instead of taking on so much with others and everything else gets put on the long finger, so rather than come see me for my birthday she chose to stay at home e-mailing this one in America till all hours of the night because of the time difference. Then I have to out on my birthday with my friends and their partners and have to look at pitiful expressions from everyone after they ask me "Where's herself?" then I explain and I get "the look"

I went up to see her the following week and it was the same story, still tied to the computer working all day and well into the night barely uttering a sentence at me unless it was work related, wouldn't even apologize about intentionally missing my birthday get together and wouldn't make it up to me, pretty much willingly stressing and working herself into the ground and never enjoying herself. The passive behaviour towards me the whole weekend just made me burn out and it triggered everything I had been burying and I just blew up and I ended it, I won't go into details about how exactly I ended it but I could have done it better.

I always feel awful about it, her parents really liked me and treated me like one of the family and always welcomed me and I got on like a house on fire with them and I feel like I let them down and to be honest I do miss them. I feel like I let my friends down too since they loved her, she had her good qualities which is why I fell for her, feel like I've deprived them of her company and her of theirs.

All I wanted really was the relationship to take a natural course and have the future I think it deserved as long as she was happy with me and for her not to believe herself to be a lesser woman, which she isn't, because at the end of it I had 100% faith in her and everything would be ok and it would work out. We were close and I thought she'd be the one for me because we related in so many ways but I was afraid to open my mouth on the children thing because I didn't want to wreck everything and have to start from square one all over again. I also wanted her to have more fun and socialize and for us to do things together and for her to realize that staying inside the house working morning, noon and night isn't healthy and she will end up burning out herself if she doesn't blow off some steam and relax. I couldn't bring her to do either and I felt I had no choice but to end it and I'm ridden with guilt over it still 5 months later because at the end of it I still have something for her and I just wanted to take things in the direction I expected it should go.

I was even thinking of asking her to move down to where I live if I could have changed her mind about children and leaving options open and to not work so much, I understand it's a PhD but for God's sake, if you can't take a weekend for yourself what's the point of living? but she is incredibly stubborn and has an "I'm always right" attitude. I wasn't going to ask her straight away about moving if I could have changed her mind because she is an only child and she is pretty tied to her parents as they would be leaning on elderly age, they'd be in their early 60's but they are independent enough and they are in perfect health but she felt obligated to look after them. I would have asked her for multiple reasons and not just my selfish needs, she lived in an isolated part of the country so she never really saw her own friends that often, they are very scattered about and are tied down to work/college so she spends too much time on her own I really don't know how she doesn't get any sort of cabin fever she is that isolated. My friends loved her and if she lived here, she could have seen them all the time and could have had some sort of a social life instead of living in complete solitude, she could have done her research where it's more populated and urban and easier to get around, she would have been nearer to her own friends and I'd have been happy to have them visit, it was a huge long shot though because she was thinking of doing another course after her PhD that would have went well with it, she's one of them people that lives, sleeps and breathes college but her PhD is arranged that she doesn't have to be anywhere near the college so she would be free to live wherever she liked, plus it isn't that expensive where I live.

All this was in my head if I could have opened her mind to children, and I've seen her with children before and she is amazing with them, we babysat two kids at one point, a 9 year old and a 5 year old and baked cake and buns with them, played games and watched kids movies it was a blast and I just couldn't understand this view she had about "being likely to have an autistic child because of being a high functioning academic" call me a primitive thinking person but I don't believe that, I would rather leave it up to chance or faith or whatever you want to call it than listen to some article writing ponce writing material that interferes with and controls what we have going on, some of this also has to do with her biological mother also, I think the worst thing she ever did was meet her and now she keeps this defeatist view of herself which isn't fair on her and wasn't fair on our relationship and it got to a point where it killed me to end it because she is wonderful in lots of ways but the views she has about herself and denying herself of things anyone would want and it gave me no choice and it was the hardest thing I've had to do. I've probably experienced every emotion over it but its been more frustration than anything else because I did everything right, I bent over backwards to make it work, I did everything possible and never complained, pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on and it all led to this!

Now about this date, my cousins girlfriend put her onto me I think because they hang out a lot, she's sort of a sporty girl, sporty girls aren't really my type, we were messaging on Facebook and she's oddly excited about hanging out with me on Friday, she wants to go for a drink, I postponed a get together with her before to go for a coffee a few weeks ago because I was still feeling funny about moving on, feel kind of like I'm really turning my back on the ex now and I've never felt like that before, probably because I was heavily invested in her.

I've even thought about texting my ex and just say "Ok I have sort of a date on Friday, feeling very funny about moving on, like I'm permanently turning my back on us for good, if you are feeling differently and feel you want to start over, now would be your chance otherwise I will move on" but I was thinking is this sort of a sad thing to do? I don't know.

eviltwin

Stop trying to live your ex's life for her. She's big and bold enough to decide where to live, how much study to do and if she says no to having children you have to respect that regardless of her reasons.

You ended it and you have to move on. Don't text your ex, it's not fair, it's childish and you broke up with her remember, what do you hope to achieve from it?

I'd go on the date, just to get out, meet someone new and take your mind off things but keep it casual.

zcorpian88

eviltwin wrote: »

Stop trying to live your ex's life for her. She's big and bold enough to decide where to live, how much study to do and if she says no to having children you have to respect that regardless of her reasons.

You ended it and you have to move on. Don't text your ex, it's not fair, it's childish and you broke up with her remember, what do you hope to achieve from it?

I'd go on the date, just to get out, meet someone new and take your mind off things but keep it casual.

Well it's fair for me to say her reasons for no children is stupid and it let "outside influences" manipulate where the relationship can go, the relationship is two people, no need to bring trivial reasons like some article she read and her issues on her biological mother into it, I despised her biological mother and even more so now because this complex my ex has is mostly her biological mother's fault due to how f**ked up her biological mother was when she met her. I would only love to have her contact information so I can give her a piece of my mind and believe me I have a lot to say.

I had to put my foot down over children because I really didn't want to be swayed by nonsense, ok fair enough about the work thing if she lived here, at least I'd have seen more of her to an extent where I wouldn't mind her working a lot, but when I was seeing so little of her, I wanted to make the best of the time I was there, and when she's working around the clock after her telling me to come up, you wouldn't be long getting a bit peeved over it, it was a hell of a journey to just be pretty much ignored the whole weekend. I'd have moved up there if the relationship was going to go where I wanted it to but where she lives is in the West, very high unemployment compared to the East so it wouldn't have been a great idea, thought it would be better for her in general and it was not for all my selfish needs to come here, as I mentioned before she is really isolated, too isolated I think, down here she would have had the complete opposite and would have been happier. It's almost like she'd rather be miserable.

But c'est la vie...

Penny Tration

I think you should cancel the date.

I'm sorry, but you sound almost obsessed with your ex.

You chose to dump her.

It's not for you to decide that her reasons for not wanting kids are stupid. She was honest and upfront, and it's her decision.

You can't make her change her mind on such a fundamental thing.
You dumped her.
You are actually considering texting her to say 'if you want me, this is your last chance.'

Just leave her be. And leave the new girl be too.

retro:electro

There was a lot of irrelevant information there OP but anyway, my few cents would be..

1. Firstly, it's a date! Stop acting like you're going to marry the girl! Honestly anything to stop this obsession you have with your ex, you need to move on with your life. If you're not feeling it then you can decline any other offers from her but at least give it a chance

2. Do not send your ex that message out of the blue. It has been six months and I'm sure she has moved on, she may even be with someone else. The two of you seemed completely incompatible anyway.

3. Get yourself some counselling. You seem really highly strung and anxious and it's not right that you're still mulling over the details of your old relationship and analysing how it ended.

daisybelle2008

The extent you are obsessing over every detail of your ex relationship is very unhealthy, even talking about giving her biological mother 'a piece of your mind'. Definitely get some counselling, you seem very highly strung. You are not going out with her, move on and mind your own business and affairs, you need to get busy wth your life.

Est28

Holy overthinking Batman.

DO NOT text that to your ex... infact, take those few second you could have text and use them to delete her number.
It won't win her back, infact it'll show her what a sad little man you are and drive her futher away.

This other poor girl is seeing you and you're going on About this? The title of your post suggested it was asking for advice on your date, instead we got a novel about your ex and all the stuff made up in your head about it. Nothing you can do will change it's over. Your ex has gone on with life, you do the same. Give the girl you're seeing the respect of your full attention and for god sake don't whine about your ex on the date.

Stavro Mueller

OP, this is the second time you've written a big long post about your girlfriend recently. You don't sound like someone who's anywhere nearly ready to start dating again. You're broken up for 5 months now and this is still eating you up big time. I'm not sure any woman could possibly live up to your ex at the moment. If you're not careful, the poor woman you're hoping to date could find herself on the receiving end of your original post, spoken in person by you. Because you're so hung up on her, you are allowing her to live rent free in your head and it is stopping you from moving on. I think at this stage a trip to a counsellor would be a better date to be making.

Mr. Incognito

It sounds to me that when you couldnt control her and make her subscribe to your thinking you dumped her as a control tactic.

When she said cheerio ! You are now upset.

You dont sound like you respected her. You wanted her to move down if she changed her views??

Your partner is supposed to be their own person and you are supposed to respect that.

You should seek professional counselling for your obvious control issues.

The Dark Side

If you do go on a date with this other girl, for Christ sake don't start going on about your ex like you did in your OP.

mapaca

OP, you don't seem ready to go dating someone new yet. Your post is full of hurt and bitterness over your ex. To be honest, it sounds like you were much more into her than she was into you. But 5 months on, you should be at least starting to come to terms with it and accepting that you just weren't right for each other.

All this talk of texting her a snarky message or contacting her mother - it's a Bad Idea. Instead, it might help you to talk it all through, with a counsellor, or a kind friend. Breakups are hard. You need to stop obsessing over the details and start looking after your own head and heart.

maria34

Do your date a favour, dont go!

Went on a date with a guy talking about his ex after the date etc what a cry baby! No wonder she didnt want him.

Back to you now - id say she didnt love you enough to make changes in her life. And telling somebody what she could and should do never helps.

Good luck.

Jimmy Bottlehead

maria34 wrote: »

Went on a date with a guy talking about his ex after the date etc what a cry baby! No wonder she didnt want him.

I'm just going to point out how horrible and insensitive that statement is on a number of levels.

maria34

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I'm just going to point out how horrible and insensitive that statement is on a number of levels.

Well you didnt go on a date with him so u dont know. It was really bad after it, he was obsessing with the ex, rang me and asked out and then kept talking about ex wondering what he did wrong and what she should have done and what she shouldnt and how perfect he was for her and her child. I knew all the details after few days. So i was kind of cry out shoulder really. Tried to help him with advise as a friend but it got worse to the point he rang me twice a day. Wasnt nice experience at all.
Sometimes u just have to tell someone the truth instead if walking on eggshells.

Est28

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I'm just going to point out how horrible and insensitive that statement is on a number of levels.

Maybe it was blunt by Maria but it's hard to disagree.

It's the height of ignorance and disrespect to do that sort of thing. I mean, the person going on the date has made time and effort and may well be nervous themselves about the date, the the guy involved goes and makes it all about him and acts like a jerk going on about his ex.

I don't know why guys do this... coming from a guy...
Even hanging around other guys... they OBSESS over one woman all the time, its nuts.