Heartbroken

LegacyUser

Going to try and get all of this down in a clear and concise way because my head is about to bust.
With partner 15 years (married 8)
We have 3 kids
We were happy/are happy??
I thought he was having an affair last week due to a number of reasons - hiding his phone, being distant/distracted...and I had a sense

Confronted him - he denied it but he admitted that there was a girl he gotten friendly with and he helped her out with a work thing.
He is a bouncer in a nightclub - this is where they met
She had been texting him and he had been deleting her texts.
So my fears (in a way) had been realised

I had a meltdown last week and he denied that anything was happening and that she was a 'friend' (age 21, hes 41)
I asked him last week to lay everything on the table and he looked me in the eye and promised me there was nothing
HOWEVER, forward a week on (Monday) and he announces that, for the last two months, him and this girl thought they were father and daughter and they had been meeting up to do paternity tests.

He got the results Monday - he's not her father.
He has spent the last few months getting to know this girl and he feels a closeness to her now and wants to keep in touch even though he's not her father. Personally, I think this is weird.

I am all over the place. He says he's sorry for not including me from the start but he also thinks Im overreacting and making it all about me. He said that I don't care how it has been for him for the last number of months - my response? How could I? He didn't tell me....

The last two days have turned into a rage filled mud slinging fiasco between the two of us. I am barely keeping it together.

Biggest issues I have? a) He didn't include me. He left me out, he didn't see me as his partner.
b) this girl became close to him to the point that he confided in her about issues (issues I didn't even know existed
c) he wants to keep in touch with her (just to add, he wants me to meet her)

Am I going mad? Is there something I am missing here? I just feel like a fool, I feel so insignificant in his life...........

Dutchess

I think you are well within your rights to be upset that your husband did not include you in such a huge thing in his life and that he confided things in someone who was in the end no relation and not you, his wife and partner of 15 years. For that you have my sympathies.

Has he explained why he did not include you?

And has he talked to you about how he wants to stay in touch with this girl? Like what form will that take? Is this person actually a colleague or was that never the case? Maybe he feels protective of her or something, if she doesn't know her father. I can understand it bothers you that he wants to keep in touch with a person he hid from you. He is an adult and of course he has the right to befriend who he wants, but he should (in my opinion) be putting you first, especially right now.

eviltwin

Do you believe him about the paternity test thing?

davmol

Him and the girl thought they were father and daughter??


What?

Tiddlypeeps

I think you are over reacting. It is hurtful that he left you out, but he found out something that was likely very difficult to process. There are many reasons he may not have wanted to include you until it was revealed if the girl was actually his daughter. Guilt, fear, embarrassment and any number of other emotions could have been overwhelming him to the point of not thinking straight. All understandable reactions to learning he potentially has a 21 year old daughter he didn't know about.

I imagine it was hurtful to learn you'd been left out of helping him deal with such a big event, but I don't think it's an unforgivable transgression. Has he apologised or expressed any regret at all for leaving you out of it?


Him wanting to keep in touch with the girl could be one of two things. Since he just recently learned he isn't the father it may not have sunk in just yet. His relation ship so far could have been with him being 99% sure he is the father, so had pretty much came to terms with it. Those paternal feelings might be hard to let go of. That may pass in time, or he might genuinely keep in touch with her.
The other theory is that he may have genuinely made friends with the girl. It's an unusual basis for a friendship, but if that is the case then I don't think it would be reasonable to ask him to back off, but if that is really what you need to get over this then you need to talk to him about it. I would advise giving it some time for you both to cool off before pushing the issue if you do decide to go that route tho.

davmol wrote: »

Him and the girl thought they were father and daughter??


What?

Obviously a woman the OP's husband slept with 21 years ago revealed to either the girl or him that he may be the father and they arranged to meet. Only OP's husband knows the exact details, but it's not hard to imagine many scenarios this situation could come about.

LegacyUser

Ok. Yes I do obviously believe him about the paternity thing - his brother was involved due to his connections in the legal industry so he sorted all that out for him. I have told him I would have supported him through the whole thing, I could have gotten to know this girl too but I think it's too little too late.

He has expressed remorse. He has said sorry for not including me.

I appreciate the other perspective to be honest. I have been confiding in two close friends about it and of course they are going to be bias

I do think the trust is gone and will take time to be built up again.

And to respond to another post, he was 20 when he had this one night stand. We all have a past and this was never ever the issue.

My emotions are all over the place. I really don't know how I feel about meeting her...

shaymus27

If you really believe that he genuinely thought there was an issue of paternity and that isn't a lie, then I can see how he might have come to almost behave in a paternal way to the girl while he awaited some sort of proof.

I can see how he might for a little time after still feel that way.

Ultimately if he is not the father he has no reason to stay friends with a younger woman who is literally looking for a father figure.

I have a bit of sympathy for him but when you had your melt down I am surprised he didn't reveal all to you though he is human and flawed and may have felt he couldn't go back on his previous "lies".

I think it's time for him to cut the girl out of his life and let her continue her search with her family and friends. Their "relationship" started with a misconception and they wouldn't even have become friends but for that, so I think it's time for them both to move on separately. We all think we should be grown up about these things but in reality most of us aren't that strong and a young one with an older man is asking for trouble. It's time he thought of your feelings and not the feelings of a father figure seeking younger woman.

zeffabelli

What led them to believe they were father and daughter?

bjork

Is he in contact with the girls mother?> He'd know her if he slept with her 22 years ago


I don't think his new "Daddy" role to this girl is appropriate

jimmycrackcorm

If it had been a guy instead of a girl would you be feeling the same way op? I think your rage is directed somewhere feeling that there is something going on between them because she is a girl.

ShowMeTheCash

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

If it had been a guy instead of a girl would you be feeling the same way op? I think your rage is directed somewhere feeling that there is something going on between them because she is a girl.

Maybe there is....
This is a 21 year old woman, the reasons to how they got to know each other or how they became close now at this stage is no longer important.
He is not her Daddy and if he wants to continue with a relationship...
You take someone with daddy issues and two people that have went through some weird emotional roller-coaster all bets are off to what can happen!

LegacyUser

Op here. sorry it took so long to get back. I said I would come back and respond as I hate when people don't give updates on a situation!

things are still not great. We are working through stuff. But I am still heartbroken. She has now been texting me telling me how sorry she is etc etc etc. It kind of shows me how young and immature this girl is. I asked her to give us some space and she texted me 2 days later so........my only worry now is that she has developed some weird dependency on him and she will keep turning up at this work. This is out of my control at the end of the day. he has promised to tell me if she turns up so, even though the trust is gone, I HAVE to trust that he will tell me or I will go mad.

He does see what he did was stupid. He knows to pursue anything would be silly. He sees that now. last week, emotions were so raw, we were both just saying everything and anything.

I know we can get over this but right not, this feeling of sickness and upset just wont leave me. The person who always comforts me in my time of need is the person who has made me feel this way so i feel quite lonely to be honest.

I really don't think he really wants to pursue any kind of friendship with this girl. I do agree with a previous poster that maybe he might still have paternal feelings towards her but he has to cop on and move forward. Thank you all for your posts. All perspectives help.

Cheers. OP

LegacyUser

Hi All, OP here, wanted to respond as I know personally, I like to see what outcomes happen on topics I have posted on.

Ok, nearly two weeks on and things are 'ok'. When I say ok, I mean I still feel sick to the stomach but we're putting on a brave face for the sake of our kids.

He has left his job. (This was both our choices, he has gone back studying and is going to mind the baby..)

What I think now has happened is that cracks we covered for the last 15 years are starting to show. I don't know what to think. He agreed to marriage counselling. He has always been bit of a closed book while I was always the more vocal and, dare say, mouthy one in the relationship.

There is so much love between us, I'm devastated that we are here. We were always that real annoying couple who never fought, who actually enjoyed each others company, who saw each other as best friends?? I think that's why this whole scenario has exploded the way it has.

All we can do is try and get through this bump in the road and hopefully we can come through it the other side.

Also, there has been no contact with the girl and I don't think there will be - I'm sure she's moved on to her next drama

thanks for the comments, objectivity is always the key in situations like this. Close family and friends just take sides and that is never good............x

Big Bag of Chips

Thank you for coming back to update the thread, OP, but as we always tell posters, people are under no obligation to come back with updates. Some of the issues here are very personal to people and it may be just too difficult for them come back to the thread. Anyway, as you seem to not need any more advice I will lock the thread and hope you and your husband can continue to work through this.