Future together

Lucy91

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. We met while at college. My partner finished college during the 2nd year of our relationship and he got a job straight away. He didn't like his job so he decided to go back to college over a year ago to do a masters. Our relationship is great when we get along he used to talk about our future together during the first two years of our relationship. The past year of our relationship has been rocky. Whenever we argue I get blamed for starting every argument Im not saying Im entirely innocent but I seem to be blamed for everything. He says Im a bitch and that is why we argue. He hit me twice during an argument I had no serious injuries but nevertheless I got a bruise. He said he has given me chances to stop being a bitch and now I am on my final chance. In spite of me being always at fault for every argument he still has not left me but consistently threatens to. When we get on great everything is perfect its only when we argue that the threats of leaving emerge. On top of all this last month I looked at his fone just to look at the time and saw tinder updates appear. He told me that he was not on the site but downloaded it ages ago not knowing what it was and forgot to delete it. He said he didnt have an account but just downloaded the app. He then told me that he deleted it there. I just do not know what to think. I get blamed for all the mishaps in the relationship yet i feel frustrated. I love him very much and really want to take our relationship to the next level. I would love to marry him like we had always planned before but I do not know how to tell him how i feel. I do not want to scare him into marriage but I find the current position of our relationship going nowhere. We both still live at home for financial reasons and when we spend time together its always in my house with my family or his house with his family. He tells me he loves me all the time but me being blamed for every argument when we argue and the absence of no talk of our future together makes me frustrated.What do I do?

Chucky the tree

Why do you want to marry a horrible piece of ****?

KMoon09

OP, this man has hit you twice. Get out now.

Violence is not an acceptable part of any relationship. For your own safety, you have to leave him.

A good relationship is built on good communication. Violence is never ok. Leave him.

highly1111

Out of respect, I continued reading after you said he hit you twice. I don't know why. My advice was never going to change. He's a bully and a manipulator and is very obviously already eroding your self esteem and confidence hugely. Get out of that relationship and get on with your life.

Lisha

Please break up with him. You deserve so much better. He has hit you.
He has hit you twice and he is twisting things to put the blame on you.
He hit you twice Nd is making you believe it's all your fault.
He has hit you and is telling you that you need to change.......
Op the only thing you need to do to change for the better is leave him.
Op if you stay he will succeed snd make you believe its your fault. Op he will hit you more often and more severely .
It will get so much worse.
Leave him now op, please leave him.

Op truly it's not you that's wrong, it is him that is wrong.

mapaca

He is hitting you, calling you a bitch, blaming you for arguments, intimidating you and threatening to leave you. He is hitting you. That is not love. This guy is nothing but a violent bully. He will only get worse and you will be miserable. I understand you love him and want things to be back like they were at the beginning of your relationship, but I'm afraid that's over. He has shown his true colours now. I'm sorry OP, you need to get away from him.

strandroad

abuse + violence x 2 = RUN

Mr. Incognito

Classic manipulation tactics.

Get out while you can. Ffs he hits you and then blames you?

Run.

Irish_Elect_Eng

He is not your partner, he is your abuser.

Real Men do not hit women, they respect and love them, all the time, not just when they "behave".

Please take care of yourself and leave him.

LegacyUser

You asked what do you do - and I know it's not what you want to hear, but you leave him. NOW - before he erodes your confidence any more.

When I was 18, I went out with a very controlling BF for 2 years. My friends openly told me that they disliked him, that he was mean to me, that he was stingy, that he constantly put me down - but did I listen? No I didn't. I thought he was, wait for it, 'misunderstood'. I thought that only I knew the 'real' him, and that in private he was great, just that in public he 'came across wrong'. My Mum hated him. Even my brother - who was about 15 at the time - hated him.

What made me cop on was that my Dad took me aside, a man who thinks the best of everyone, and wouldn't say boo to a goose - and told me that he wasnt a nice man, and would never make me happy, and that he (my Dad) would be very upset to see me ending up with someone like that. Not exactly bombshell words, but that really struck me, that my Dad probably agonised for months over saying that.

Long story short, I dumped him. But then started seeing him a few months later, and then have him dump me in a truly cruel manner. But my main point of warning to you is that He wasn't 'misunderstood' and didn't 'come across wrong', he was just a royal Fn ars*hole, who eroded my confidence so much that I doubted my opinion all the time, and looked to him for his opinion. He was rude to my parents, condescending to my friends, and everyone told me afterwards how my personality utterly changed while I was with him. He never hit me, at least not physically. The way he 'hit' me created long term damage though: in my sense of self, my feeling of happiness in life, and my confidence.

I got out, thankfully, but I was so lacking in confidence, and frozen, and afraid of being open that I messed up my next relationship, which I will regret forever, as I screwed up a relationship with what could have been - and I still believe was - the absolutely best person I could have met, ever.

So don't let this excuse for a man mess up you, and your happiness, any longer. Get rid of that sorry sad sack of an excuse for a man, and (unlike me) take time out to restore yourself, to get your confidence and sense of self back. Don't let him not only make you unhappy now, but ruin your future happiness, like I did.

I wish you every god luck for the future - but your future depends on you getting rid of that unspeakable horrible man, and working on getting you back to you before you meet anyone else.

kylith

Firstly, Tinder does not send you notifications if you don't have an account that you are using. He is most likely either actually cheating on you or planning to cheat on you.

Secondly, I'm with everyone else - he has hit you twice, he blames you for starting arguments and he calls you a bitch. He is an aggressive, violent, bully. He will not get better, only worse. Forget marrying him, get as far away from him as you can. Would you want to raise a child in that environment? He does not love you, he loves the control he has over you.

Tell him to sling his hook and thank your lucky stars that you don't live with him. Tell your family what you have told us. Delete his number. Don't answer his calls or messages, don't converse with him if he calls to your house; he will promise you he'll change, he'll promise that he'll do better, he'll promise the moon and stars, but his promises won't last a wet weekend and he'll be worse than ever.

giggle84

Lucy91 wrote: »

Whenever we argue I get blamed for starting every argument

He says Im a bitch and that is why we argue.

He hit me twice during an argument

He said he has given me chances to stop being a bitch and now I am on my final chance.

he still has not left me but consistently threatens to.

saw tinder updates appear.

What do I do?

Break up with him immediately. And as another posted said, tell your family and friends about his behaviour. OP you know this behaviour is wrong, you know deep down that it is or you wouldn't have posted here. Leave him and take your life back before he destroys it altogether.

Neyite

Lucy91 wrote: »

Whenever we argue I get blamed for starting every argument Im not saying Im entirely innocent but I seem to be blamed for everything. He says Im a bitch and that is why we argue.

Well he would say that, wouldn't he? Your role is to be his scapegoat.

He hit me twice during an argument I had no serious injuries but nevertheless I got a bruise. He said he has given me chances to stop being a bitch and now I am on my final chance. In spite of me being always at fault for every argument he still has not left me but consistently threatens to.

If his boss is 'being a bitch', does he hit them? If the bouncer on the door of a pub is 'being a bitch' does he hit them? If a Garda stopped him and was 'being a bitch' to him, would he hit them? You know he would never in a million years, assault any of those people. The question is, why he feels he can assault you? The answer is simple. Because you stay there and let him.

When we get on great everything is perfect its only when we argue that the threats of leaving emerge.

That's the cycle of abuse.

On top of all this last month I looked at his fone just to look at the time and saw tinder updates appear. He told me that he was not on the site but downloaded it ages ago not knowing what it was and forgot to delete it. He said he didnt have an account but just downloaded the app. He then told me that he deleted it there. I just do not know what to think.

He hits you. Your relationship is filled with him verbally abusing you. It's not really a stretch to see that a man who is capable of sustained verbal and physical assault on one person disrespects them to the point where he cheats on them. You didn't walk out when he hit you the first time, or the second, so he must be pretty confident that you wont if he cheats on you. And just like the rest of the relationship, he will find a way to blame you for him cheating. After all he gets to pin his other disgusting behaviour on you too.

I get blamed for all the mishaps in the relationship yet i feel frustrated. I love him very much and really want to take our relationship to the next level. I would love to marry him like we had always planned before but I do not know how to tell him how i feel. I do not want to scare him into marriage but I find the current position of our relationship going nowhere.

This last year has been awful for you. Yet, you two are at a point in life where stresses should be minimal - you don't have a mortgage and bills you are struggling to pay. You dont have a colicky newborn depriving you of sleep, or bosses that are fed up because yet again, you are taking time off for a sick toddler, or redundancy or a sick parent to juggle care for. Marriage to him would be hell for you.

If you try to leave, he will probably propose. He'll propose, not because he loves you, but because he likes the fact he has you 'trained'. Finding a replacement who is happy to take his verbal abuse, his moods, his blame games, his fists, would take time and effort. And he doesn't want that. Before you decide to get him to propose to you though, read this. It describes the personality types of men like yours, and has lots of anecdotes from women who struggle to understand and live with them.

I'm going to be honest here - and this will hurt you I know, but I feel its important that you hear it: Those married couples that you see out on a summers day pushing a buggy, sauntering around, holding hands, doing lunch, having a lovely day out? You'll never have that with him, wedding ring or not. You can have that kind of life, with a lovely kind man, who is a great dad and terrific husband, but your boyfriend is not capable of this.

Any time you will try to have a nice time, he will ensure that you are either on eggshells with the tension in the house beforehand, knowing that somehow, in a few hours or days, you'll pay for that 'nice' day out, or, you'll be wincing from hidden bruises because he is in the calm period of the abuse cycle, and has already lashed out. But you know this, because its already started, hasn't it? Any occasions in the last year or so that you had looked forward to has been marred by his temper, or his mood, or your bruises. He gets a kick out of ruining things for you. You'll have the moment where you realise that.

We both still live at home for financial reasons and when we spend time together its always in my house with my family or his house with his family.

Being in close contact with family all the time has probably saved you from even more physical violence from him. But as soon as you have a home of your own, he'll have more privacy to say what he likes, and do what he likes. Which is to hurt you.

He tells me he loves me all the time but me being blamed for every argument when we argue and the absence of no talk of our future together makes me frustrated.What do I do?

Words are easy to say. Judge him by his actions, not his words.
Right now, you feel that this is the best you can get. That this relationship, with its bad points, is all you can hope to achieve. You are wrong. You deserve so much more than this. Please take a look at the links here, maybe talk to someone in Women's Aid. You'll be really glad that you did. I was, and I've never regretted leaving. Not once. But I do regret not leaving sooner than I did.

pookie82

Lucy91 wrote: »

He hit me twice during an argument I had no serious injuries but nevertheless I got a bruise. He said he has given me chances to stop being a bitch and now I am on my final chance.

Jesus, OP, the part in bold there is truly chilling to read.

I've been there, believe me. You need to leave. And I think you know deep down you need to leave, you just haven't accepted it yet.

TheBeardedLady

pookie82 wrote: »

Jesus, OP, the part in bold there is truly chilling to read.

I've been there, believe me. You need to leave. And I think you know deep down you need to leave, you just haven't accepted it yet.

Chilling is the word. My stomach turned reading your OP.

This guy is not a good person, OP. I understand being single might seem like a daunting prospect but you can't stay with this man and if you do, you have years of unhappiness ahead of you. Believe me when I tell you that there's so many lovely, sound fellas out there who have all the attributes you love about this current guy but without the nastiness, the violence, the disrespect and the bullying.

If he really loved you, he wouldn't treat you this way - you NEED to walk away.

rob316

He hit you twice, he doesn't love you its that simple. Your been abused and you don't even know it, I feel very sorry for you.

Get out now and meet someone who will really love and respect you. You don't love him your afraid to leave him, he controls you.

Blue Iris

Hitting you is a deal breaker, in my view. When someone crosses this line they are showing a side to their character that is very worrying and it will not change. Marriage would only make it worse. He has shown that he won't control his violent streak and if you continue in the relationship with him you are putting yourself at risk. I know this is hard for you to read as you believe that you love him and you have pictures in your mind of your future being with him. No one who loves you would ever treat you like this. A good relationship will make you really happy and build your confidence, not strip it away, piece by piece. You owe it to yourself to free yourself up so that this can happen for you.

Stavro Mueller

Lucy, I see you've posted on board about this guy before. Including: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=93395042

To be honest, this thread (link I just posted) just adds to my feeling that this relationship is really not good for you. In light of what you've told us, coupled with this, I really can't see this relationship ending well for you. It sounded a little toxic in December but now it's escalating.

In your other post you said "I suppose I am always afraid of losing him as to be honest I couldn't believe my luck when we got together. For me,he is perfect; kind hearted, fun, intelligent and outgoing. As I am always afraid of losing him I tend to nag at him and as a result of my nagging we argue a lot. Mental illness also runs in my family and my partner is aware of this and claims that this is why I am always nagging.

I don't for one moment believe that mental illness is a reason for this. I think you were (and are) a vulnerable person who couldn't believe her luck when she got with this guy. You've put him onto a pedestal and I bet you are terrified of being single again. I think you were nagging him because you are very insecure and on some level know that you're on the back foot here.

You also wrote "My partner claims that he is not happy and told me in our last argument that he no longer loves me even though the same day he said he did love me. He said he is now going to consider if he wants to end the relationship or not and will let me know in due course. I am afraid I may have lost him for good and I know I am to blame. I feel completely hopeless!"

So obviously he decided to stay in the relationship. But has you on tenterhooks and threatens to leave every now and then. Knowing that it's your worst fear and a great button to push when he wants his own way. You sound like someone whose self-esteem is so low that you are prepared to cling on desperately to this relationship no matter what. Even if he has told you that he doesn't love you.

To a lesser extent, this is also a potential problem down the lines. This guy is a Muslim and unless things have changed since last July, his family refuse to accept you. How do you know that he won't make you convert to Islam should you marry? Unless that's what you want of course. I don't want to stir up a hornet's nest here but let's just say that Islam and western values don't always make happy bedfellows should you marry http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=91252599

I think for your own sake you need to go get yourself some counselling. Not just to talk this through with someone but to have a chat about that fear of mental illness you have. Just because it runs in your family does not mean that you too will succumb to it. But you sound very vulnerable and I think you'd benefit from talking to a counsellor.