How do I deal with my partner's behaviour? I'm heartbroken.

LegacyUser

We are a bit older now than many on here. Together 20 years, not married. Never saw the need.

The past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

Partner is behaving very oddly. No respect for me anymore, getting a bit stingy, which he never was. Going against me at every opportunity. I cannot figure it out.

I have a feeling he is depressed, but whenever I gently mention going to see a doctor, all hell breaks loose.

He is not violent or anything like that, just that I feel I am the cause of his anger and hurt.

He retired five years ago from a busy job. He is very introverted and doesn't make friends easily, but is good in company he knows well. I feel he is unfulfilled at the moment, and that is driving him nuts. I took early retirement a year ago, and we do things together twice a week, during the week, long walks, nice lunches and so on. The rest of the time we do our own thing, and go visit family and friends at the weekend. I am very happy with my life, but he obviously isn't.

Maybe he sees me having a happy retirement, and he is not so fulfilled himself. I have suggested many things, got the forms, and so on, but he hasn't taken anything further.

I feel so helpless, and hurt TBH. I am no longer making him happy. To such an extent that I feel it would be better for both of us to just walk away and separate. Having written that down I am in tears. It is not what I want, but maybe it's the best. I have asked him what is making him unhappy, but like most men, he won't discuss it.

What the hell can I do? I do not want to break up, and I don't think he does either. I am in bits.

strandroad

It does sound sad, you seem to be living together apart. Would he agree to some couple counselling sessions?

P. Breathnach

Daffodil 1 wrote: »

... I have asked him what is making him unhappy, but like most men, he won't discuss it....

Just a quibble: like some men (and some women) he won't discuss it.

If he is the sort of person who won't discuss his feelings, then you might try approaching the issue from the other side. Talk to him about your unhappiness. You may need to work hard to keep the emphasis on how you feel about your joint lives, and not on how you think he is feeling about his own life.

Bill Shock

I suspect his retirement might be a big factor here. Did he go early or had he reached retirement age? Had he prepared himself mentally for what retirement would bring? having spent many years working in the HR area, I can say with certainty that a great many people, particularly those in busy/stressful jobs, are poorly-prepared for the sudden emptiness in their day/week. Is he actively involved in anything now? Has he some sort of routine to keep him busy/engaged?

Rubberchikken

a lot of men (and women) seem to find retirement difficult. if you've been busy doing a job that took up most of your life, it's can probably be very difficult to know what to do with yourself once that's gone. i imagine there's a grieving process similiar to any loss, and maybe your partner could benefit from speaking to someone.

has he considered volunteering. loads of organisations would love to have a person who has maybe gained great skills from years in a busy career.

i hope he does come through this and get the opportunity to have a great retirement with a person who sounds very caring.

yermandan

Would you consider sitting him down and telling him everything you have written in your post? I know you said you mentioned going to the Doctor but maybe all of the info laid out like your post will let him know how much you care and open up some room for discussion.

Best of luck

santana75

Daffodil 1 wrote: »

Maybe he sees me having a happy retirement, and he is not so fulfilled himself. I have suggested many things, got the forms, and so on, but he hasn't taken anything further.

That sounds like youre trying to manage him to be honest. I know you mean well but its not your job to get your partner forms and suggest things that "You" think he should do. Its his life, you have to let him be. Its controlling to enmesh yourself in someones elses life that much and one thing is for certain, if you do, they'll rebel and act passive agressively towards you, which from the sounds of things, is exactly whats happening.

Daffodil 1 wrote: »

I feel so helpless, and hurt TBH. I am no longer making him happy. To such an extent that I feel it would be better for both of us to just walk away and separate. Having written that down I am in tears. It is not what I want, but maybe it's the best. I have asked him what is making him unhappy, but like most men, he won't discuss it.

But again, thats not your job. You cant make another person happy, thats a one man job and is entirely up to the individual. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and he has to take responsibility for his. Id agree that he does sound unfulfilled but you cant do anything for him in that department, he has to figure out what he himself wants and then set about going after it. Honestly I would leave it alone if I were you, just take a step back and let him work things out for himself.