facebook ex

LegacyUser

I feel sick and stupid writing this. I'm a full grown woman, in a relationship with a man I adore and who adores me.

I've always felt insecure about his ex, it was a bad break up, she ended it, left him a bit all over the place, he got his act together, then we met around 18 months later.

Last week, he was on facebook showing me something. He went into the search box and his last searches included her, and a friend of hers. I asked him why he was looking at her page, he said curiosity, she'd recored a new song, the friend posted about it, he looked the ex up to hear it out of curiosty.

So far, so normal.

What I don't think is normal, is my reaction. I got hysterically upset, sobbing so much I started vomiting. I had the shakes for about three hours, meanwhile he's frantic not knowing what to do with me.

He asked if I was angry, and truthfully, no I'm not. I wasn't angry at all. I can't explain why I felt the way I did, but it was like I just seen photos of him cheating on me.

I'm not controlling, I don't go through his stuff, or question his relationships with female friends, or comment if he talks online to old flings. But this one girl, its killed me, and I know that's not normal, and I can't explain it.

Why do I feel like my entire world just ended?

When I say we've a great relationship, I'm not kidding. We really do, he adores me, I know he does. But this one girl, in truth his only "real" ex, has gotten under my skin in a big way. When I saw her facebook, every comment on her pictures was telling her how stunning and amazing she was.

What am I missing? Why is my really strong relationship, threatened by a visit to a facebook page?

Its sounds so ridiculous. I feel devastated, I can't stop crying.

I know this is insane. What is happening???

LLMMML

I think in most relationships we have a fantasy that we've immeasurably improved our partners life and their exes pale in comparison and they don't check out other guys/girls anymore because we're enough for them. Of course this is a fantasy an reality is a lot messier.

It seems normal enough behaviour to me to check in on an ex from time to time out of curiosity. Unfortunately this probably shattered a fantasy you had. Was he hung up on this girl when you met him? Did you think of yourself as healing him or helping him move on?

Needless to say there's some insecurity here that has to be addressed. I'm not sure how to do that though.

blatantrereg

Well when someone sounds as reasonable as you do and has a reaction as stong as you describe, maybe they are picking up on something rather than imagining things.
Going to go a bit off-book and suggest you ask him to show you the activity log in facebook. That shows recent searches in the relevant section. Say that this was suggested to you, not your own idea. It will show you if he searched once or twice like he describes or if it is more frequent.
Not that looking someone up on facebook is necessarily anything more than looking up someone on facebook if it transpires he has looked her up more than he describes. It's more that if there is only the one search then you have more evidence to support the notion the issue is something in your own mind only.

anncoates

blatantrereg wrote: »

Well when someone sounds as reasonable as you do and has a reaction as stong as you describe, maybe they are picking up on something rather than imagining things.
Going to go a bit off-book and suggest you ask him to show you the activity log in facebook. That shows recent searches in the relevant section. Say that this was suggested to you, not your own idea. It will show you if he searched once or twice like he describes or if it is more frequent.

This would annoy me I was the guy. So what if he looks at his exes page from time to time?

Osborne

blatantrereg wrote: »

Going to go a bit off-book and suggest you ask him to show you the activity log in facebook. That shows recent searches in the relevant section. Say that this was suggested to you, not your own idea. It will show you if he searched once or twice like he describes or if it is more frequent.

Please do not do this.

here228

I look at my ex quite a lot. I can't explain why. I hate him but I still check. I would never dream or want to rekindle things. I'm sure it's the same. Just curiosity

LegacyUser

Facebook. Get off it.
To be honest,if I had heard something about an ex , I would be curious aswell, and would probably snoop too. That's normal. It means nothing. But what of your paranoia? Why do you feel so insecure about her ? You're making this a relationship of three in your own head. Why is your gut telling you something? Have you really a reason for this reaction, or is it you love him so much?
Best of luck xxx

strobe

Osborne wrote: »

Please do not do this.

Gotta agree. I'd already be a bit :eek: by your reaction if I was your bf. But willing to accept it was just one of those once off crazy things. But if it was followed by asking to see a log history or anything along those lines I'd be very uncomfortable and wondering if a mask was slipping and I'd be better off just bailing before the escalation continued.

Typer Monkey

You sound very reasonable in your post OP but crying hysterically to the point of vomiting really is an extreme reaction. If I were your boyfriend I would've been horrified that my partner would react that way, to anything tbh. I'd be very worried about their emotional stability and resilience if a facebook search could send them spiralling into a hysterical breakdown.

I think you know you overreacted so I'm not saying that to berate you. I just think you need to get a handle on this and fast. I'd say you've given your boyfriend some very negative food for thought.

zeffabelli

I think we have a fantasy that the other person in entirely knowable, but these old intimacies remind us of very private parts of the other that we can never know and so we live in their shadows, in that uncertainty.

Do you know the scene from "The Dead" where Gabrielle listens to his wife's lament for the love she lost? We can feel the alienation of Gabrielle so papably in that scene, the loneliness of never fully knowing the other, and the terror that we are replaceable, that we replaced someone, and we can too be replaced by someone else.

To 'adore"- the word you used, is neither to love, nor to know. It is to worship, but you can't really see someone when you are on your knees.

When you feel him cheating on you in this facebook page, what you are imagining in full colour is the alternative life he may have lead, one that eclipsed the one you have now. The one he may have had with her, in this unlived life.

I think we all experience this, you are just doing it more so. Dissillusionment is not fun, and we conspire with ourselves relentlessly to avoid it, for precisely these reasons.

piperh

halfformeddollar wrote: »

When I saw her facebook, every comment on her pictures was telling her how stunning and amazing she was.

You sound like a reasonable rational person who knows her reaction was neither of those things, so I applaud you for that and wanting to get to the bottled of it to ensure it doesn't happen again.

The part quoted stood out for me. You picked up on everyone elses comments so it seems it's not as if you just think your partner is the one who thinks his ex is great but everyone. This means that rather than seeing her as a threat to your relationship you are seeing her as being better than you. It is your self esteem that needs working on not your relationship, you need to keep reminding yourself that you are good/nice/kind ect. While that might seem conceited sometimes we just need reminding of our good points, not in comparison to others just our own.

You have a good strong relationship so you must be doing something right. Good luck.

LegacyUser

The only reason I can think of for such a very extreme reaction (and out of character, from how I've read your post) is not only a lot of insecurity issues, but also maybe that you're feeling stressed or under pressure in some other areas of your life.

I know you're upset right now, but if I was him id be totally freaked out by such a strange and extreme reaction on your part. I think you need to apologise to him, tell him that you don't understand it yourself, and promise to figure out / try to get help with why this unreasonable OTT reaction occurred. He's done nothing to deserve this, and I'd have twinges of misgivings about the future of the relationship if I were him. You need to take responsibility for your reaction, and put his mind at ease. And never let it happen again.

And for the love of god, don't ask to see his activity log / search history / emails or texts. You might as well just end the relationship yourself if you do this.

Lamp69

Well as you said she's a singer and looks amazing so if she hadn't dumped him they might be still together. That's why he's looking at her page. Everyone has exes they still feel for, everyone even you probably. It's just life. Just forget about her. He's with you now

LegacyUser

Lamp69 wrote: »

Well as you said she's a singer and looks amazing so if she hadn't dumped him they might be still together. That's why he's looking at her page. Everyone has exes they still feel for, everyone even you probably. It's just life. Just forget about her. He's with you now

Op here,

The above, for me, is the worst case scenario. I don’t believe everyone has feelings for an ex, and I certainly don’t. This reply has broken my heart. This can’t be true can it??? I’m here because I didn’t think it was this, I thought it was simple curiosity, not that he was hanging on to feelings from a relationship that ended 6 years ago. Please tell me it can’t be true

Thank you so much to everyone else who has replied so far, I really appreciate people taking time out to reply to a problem which really isn’t a problem at all. The reason the above response hurts so much is because I didn’t think this, I thought it was me and something wrong with my perception of things, and to be told he’s probably harbouring feelings for her is devastating. Does everyone else think this too?

Regarding activity log, he actually had already showed me himself, to prove it was an occasional curiosity thing, that it had nothing to do with harbouring feelings, but that last post has shaken me.

The activity log showed he had looked at her page twice since Christmas. To me, this is not only reasonable, but probably even less than the average person snoops on their ex’s. I’m not on facebook, but I know if I was, out of nosiness I’d probably be looking them all up!

This is why I’m here. Because I rationally know that this is nothing, but my reaction was completely irrational, painful, devastating.

But that last post has be wondering now, do other posters really agree? Do people think it could be because he still has feelings for her?

If so, he’s been lying. He told me that he stopped loving her way before they broke up.
I’m in bits again now, I hadn’t really considered that he could still love her. I simply thought I had some reaction, that I’ve yet to explain, and ALL of this was on me.

BTW, I’ve an appointment with a therapist this week to talk it out with someone.

Thanks to everyone so far x

here228

halfformeddollaragain wrote: »

<Snip> No need to repost entire previous post

Relax.I certainly don't feel this way annoy my exes. Do you trust him and trust that he loves you? The answer to them two questions are all that matter. Facebook isn't real life

zeffabelli

Op, I am intrigued and perplexed by you.

If he has been lying, perhaps it is because you have not given him permission to tell the truth, which is unstable at best in these scenarios, because he knew you'd have a freak out. You are making it impossible for him to be himself.

Instead of trusting him, you are trusting strangers on the internet? Is this the actions of someone who loves?

Is this the behavior of someone who loves? You might question your own love of this man if you cannot tolerate his histories or his autonomy in his feelings. You are regressing into some infantile state.

For what it is worth OP, in some indirect way..... we all love a lot of people, or at least our ideas of who they are.

Unlike you, I find the opposite chilling, that someone could have once loved someone so devotedly and then all of a sudden, like a magic wand just stop. How does that happen? Though it might be unsettling, the alternative is terrifying.

There is no oceanic bliss of the absolute love of mommy when we are six months old. ADult love is complex and frustrating.

OP, I love a lot of people. Even people I hate, somewhere there is love. This is ok, this is natural. I cannot be the be all end all for one person, to be demanded this of, is impossible, I will never meet that need in anyone nor do I have the hubris to promise that and I should hope that the other person doesn't have the arrogance to demand it.

We cannot live on the floors of editing rooms in post production for lovers who claim to love us and yet seem unable to do so by the very acts of demanding editing of history.

LegacyUser

Why are people trying to convince me he might still love her, instead of trying to reassure me it was idle curiosity and nothing more? I thought I had it wrong.

Jesus, this is so much worse than I thought. Now I'm starting to think my reaction wasn't irrational at all.

Tokyo

halfformeddollaragain1 wrote: »

Why are people trying to convince me he might still love her, instead of trying to reassure me it was idle curiosity and nothing more? I thought I had it wrong.

Jesus, this is so much worse than I thought. Now I'm starting to think my reaction wasn't irrational at all.

With respect OP, I'm not sure where you pulled that interpretation of people's replies from. The overwhelming majority of responses are to tell you that your reaction was an overreaction, and that he looked at her Facebook page due to idle curiosity, nothing more.

The fact still remains that he is with you because he chose to be with you, and from everything you describe, he has hidden nothing from you, and indeed has been very patient and understanding of your overreaction to all of this.

miamee

halfformeddollaragain1 wrote: »

Why are people trying to convince me he might still love her, instead of trying to reassure me it was idle curiosity and nothing more? I thought I had it wrong.

Jesus, this is so much worse than I thought. Now I'm starting to think my reaction wasn't irrational at all.

This is another over reaction. Nobody said he still loves her. One person suggested he's looking her up because he still has some feeling for her...that does not mean in love with but I think it's normal to have a fondness for and a liking for someone you used to love and spend lots of time with. You'd want to know if they're doing ok, how life is treating them without necessarily wanting to even talk to them. You said yourself you'd be looking up your own exes if you were on Facebook...are you still in love with any of them? Just waiting for the opportunity to run off into the sunset with them? Of course not, you would just be curious to see what's happening with them. I'm glad you have an appointment to speak to someone, your feelings seem a bit all over the place at the moment.

LegacyUser

Lamp69 wrote: »

Well as you said she's a singer and looks amazing so if she hadn't dumped him they might be still together. That's why he's looking at her page. Everyone has exes they still feel for, everyone even you probably. It's just life. Just forget about her. He's with you now

Having fondness, and having "feelings" are not the same thing.

My partner told me he stopped loving her before they broke up.

Why is this poster telling me not to believe him?!

Surely I'm being irrational.

Another poster said that I haven't given him "persmission" to tell the truth. Why does a grown man need permission? Its not like anything like this has ever happened before. It's not like he couldn't have been scared of a rreaction, this is completely unprecendented.

Why are people telling me he could be lying? Why

Roquentin

we are all voyeurs said hitchcock. i think its just human nature to be curious as to how friends or ex's are doing. thats why he checks up on her.

partial envy perhaps as well. we want to be seen as doing better than our ex's or peers

zeffabelli

halfformeddollaragain1 wrote: »

Why are people trying to convince me he might still love her, instead of trying to reassure me it was idle curiosity and nothing more? I thought I had it wrong.

Jesus, this is so much worse than I thought. Now I'm starting to think my reaction wasn't irrational at all.

Your reactions are entirely disproportionate whether its curiosity or whatever it is.

You don't trust him. This is your own trust deficit which is going to cause problems.

People are not going to be honest with you if 1. you have extreme reactions or 2. They are going to get punished for it. They are going to protect you from the truth if they think you can't deal with it.

He has been very patient and understanding, from what I gather. Personally I would find your responses, reassrance addictions, faulty interpretations, tyrannical and oppressive.

If she is that amazing, couldn't you choose to interpret it as he has good taste in women and see it as a reflection of you?

dellas1979

halfformeddollaragain1 wrote: »

Jesus, this is so much worse than I thought. Now I'm starting to think my reaction wasn't irrational at all.

I just wonder, really, whats happened in your life that this (he looked at a fb page) hit you quite hard.

I dont think its him you should be examining, its yourself.

I dont think its anything we can figure out for you on here.

Its all relative OP. To me, I wouldnt care. I still look up ex's of mine occasionally, out of curiosity. 2 weeks ago, I got a "hows it goin" text off an ex (we went out 15 years ago).

But, to another person, like you, its like the end of the world.

Its sounding like its boiling down to insecurities on your part (bubbling under the surface - youve quite eloquently listed out what a cool/laid back person you are-well, that you were, until you met an issue). You should explore why you feel like this, and not place the blame on him. He cant stop you feeling like this, only you can.

Lamp69

halfformeddollaragain wrote: »

Op here,

The above, for me, is the worst case scenario. I don’t believe everyone has feelings for an ex, and I certainly don’t. This reply has broken my heart. This can’t be true can it??? I’m here because I didn’t think it was this, I thought it was simple curiosity, not that he was hanging on to feelings from a relationship that ended 6 years ago. Please tell me it can’t be true

Thank you so much to everyone else who has replied so far, I really appreciate people taking time out to reply to a problem which really isn’t a problem at all. The reason the above response hurts so much is because I didn’t think this, I thought it was me and something wrong with my perception of things, and to be told he’s probably harbouring feelings for her is devastating. Does everyone else think this too?

Regarding activity log, he actually had already showed me himself, to prove it was an occasional curiosity thing, that it had nothing to do with harbouring feelings, but that last post has shaken me.

The activity log showed he had looked at her page twice since Christmas. To me, this is not only reasonable, but probably even less than the average person snoops on their ex’s. I’m not on facebook, but I know if I was, out of nosiness I’d probably be looking them all up!

This is why I’m here. Because I rationally know that this is nothing, but my reaction was completely irrational, painful, devastating.

But that last post has be wondering now, do other posters really agree? Do people think it could be because he still has feelings for her?

If so, he’s been lying. He told me that he stopped loving her way before they broke up.
I’m in bits again now, I hadn’t really considered that he could still love her. I simply thought I had some reaction, that I’ve yet to explain, and ALL of this was on me.

BTW, I’ve an appointment with a therapist this week to talk it out with someone.

Thanks to everyone so far x

I said "feel" for an ex ( maybe I should have said connection not feelings ) I'm sure he loved her at one stage and that's why he's looking at her page. It's cutiuosity I do it too. I had an ex that looked at his exs page and he said it meant nothing. It means nothing when I do too. Plus I would try not to react so much in future and don't let him see it bothers you so much. Don't let it be an issue

dellas1979

halfformeddollaragain wrote: »

This reply has broken my heart. This can’t be true can it???

You seem to be like a little sponge, absorbing all the negative things that you see/interpret as "against" you.

You cant do anything about someone else's behaviour. If indeed you deem what he is doing wrong, you need to say this (as partner in the relationship). But of course, he doesnt have to see it your way.

You are the one choosing to see it a certain way. Only you can also change this.

halfformeddollaragain wrote: »

BTW, I’ve an appointment with a therapist this week to talk it out with someone.

I think this is a very good idea and well done for trying to understand yourself.

blatantrereg

halfformeddollar123 wrote: »

Having fondness, and having "feelings" are not the same thing.

My partner told me he stopped loving her before they broke up.

Why is this poster telling me not to believe him?!

Surely I'm being irrational.

Another poster said that I haven't given him "persmission" to tell the truth. Why does a grown man need permission? Its not like anything like this has ever happened before. It's not like he couldn't have been scared of a rreaction, this is completely unprecendented.

Why are people telling me he could be lying? Why

No, I would take things at face value. The evidence indicates that there is nothing amiss with his behaviour, and that he is not looking her up excessively.

The straightforward interpretation is that you had an emotional reaction. She's attractive, successful and popular and he was serious about her. The straightforward answer is that you felt second best when you saw he had looked her up and got upset. I don't think it is too much to want to be #1 in the eyes of any serious partner. It's good that there is no apparent reason that you should think that this is not the case with yours.

I think your ability to reflect on things and to consider the notion you acted in a way that is different to your self-image is a very positive trait, and a very important one. Very many people refuse to accept facts if they don't fit in with their self-image. The ability to do so is one of the things that separates decent people from dicks at a fundamental level. So yeah, your reaction was not cool and probably quite alarming - but I get the impression you won't be making any repeat performances and I think you come across very well overall.

LegacyUser

I showed him the thread

He's really annoyed at the suggestion he's not telling the truth and said that he's 1. not afraid of my reaction or 2. isn't trying to protect me. That he's just telling me the truth, and he can't understand why so many people are suggesting he might not be.

Also, he had no reason to lie. Our relationship is drama free, this is the first time anything like this has happened in 5 years anything like this has happened.

To the people calling my tyrannical and oppresive, I don't know why you take it upon yourself to purposely go online and abuse soomeone who is obviously incredibly distrssed. I don't thik some people should be allowed comment on this thread when they are not trying to help.

I just wanted to know that my reaction was crazy. I wanted to know that it was all me, it all my issues, that there wasn't a single doubt that this was some weird figment of my imagination.

Why are people trying to suggest that the person Ive never doubted before is lying to me.

This thraed, has made everything and how I feel so much worse.

Mods, plaese remove it or lock it, or whatever it is you do.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, the majority of posters tried to reassure you that you overreacted, he was just naturally curious etc. One poster mentioned he may have had residual feelings for her, another poster mentioned he may keep things from you afraid of your reaction.

You hopped on the two posts that said something negative and completely disregarded everything that was said up to that point. When you post on a public forum you allow all sorts of opinion to come your way. We always tell people you might hear things that aren't relevant to your situation, but you take what is relevant and ignore what isn't.

I hope you get yourself some help to deal with how you handle situations. Your reactions are extreme, but I think you have recognised that in yourself.

Good luck, thread locked as per your request.