mother looking to get involved

LegacyUser

I am father to my 7 year old child. I have raised my chld single handed since my child was 1 years old. I have no family at all in Ireland. Whilst it has been difficult, my daughter is a happy and content one. I bring her to her various classes on a saturday, swimming, tennis lessons etc
We always do things at the weekend, cinema, out and about too. During the week, I pay for afterschool whilst I am in work but I bring and collect my daughter to and from the school.

During the week I spend alot of time doing her homework, having her clothes ready, dinners etc

Any doctor appointments, I bring, hair appointments too.

The mother never sees her, last time was in October and 2x since then for 5 mins end of dec and last week. Both these 5 min visits was more to see if she could borrow some money of me than to see our child.

Now she has phoned me saying she is now "clean" from drugs and getting her own place and will be going to court to have access to our daughter to in the longer term have her living with the mum.

This really worries me as we were never married, the courts over here always want to give the mother the benefit of the doubt, Im genuinely worried they will hand over some sort of access for the mother to have the child a day a week or something.

Even if the mother is clean, our daughter would never be up in time in the mornings, would never be fed properly or looked after. I know this for a fact.

Prior to myself having full custody, my daughter recieved a cigarette burn on her arm when she was a few months old and another burn on her arm a few months later. Both times I was in work.

I reported both to the social services, the first incident was dismissed at the time as the mother claimed the child bumped into her cigarette. ( I believe she was high on drugs and fell asleep with the child in her arms and accidently burnt her)

The second burn, the mother could not give a reason as to how it happened or what caused the burn.

I am very stressed as I have made alot of sacrafices raising my child, change in career, havent been out the door socially in 7 years. Also been very expensive with afterschool, childminders etc too. I Dont mind any of this in the slightest as I love having my child but Im genuinely worried if the court gives any access/rights this will all be in vain.

I have never stopped the mother from seeing her daughter but at the same time if on drugs I have told her not to phone if not clean.

I cant sleep or think straight now. I just want for my daughter to remain living under my roof 24/7 where she is safe, cared for, homework done, clean and loved.

if her mum really is clean, I have no problem with her visiting supervised

MrWalsh

Are you the court ordered custodial parent?

I think you need to speak to a solicitor.

LegacyUser

yes, I have full custody from the courts.

Basically when we went to court the mother agreed to give me sole custody. To be honest she had no choice as if she protested the social worker was there with various reports to say why the mother should not have custody of the child and why I should.

Just dont like this sitting over my head. The mother has stated that having her child back would get her somewhere to live alot easier and all her benefits back.

Off course, all this would be heresay...

bp

You truely are an amazing parent. The court should take your child's history (ie living with you) and her happiness into account. She should be there main focus.

You keep doing your best by her and I really hope it works out for you. Sorry I have no actual advice but wanted to send you positive wishes

LuckyLloyd

Get in touch with a solicitor. Despite everything you've written, the law isn't on your side because you are male and you should be in receipt of good legal advice. Be proactive. You'll feel better once you know you have some help and representation and will hopefully be able to be more relaxed about the situation.

LegacyUser

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Get in touch with a solicitor. Despite everything you've written, the law isn't on your side because you are male and you should be in receipt of good legal advice. Be proactive. You'll feel better once you know you have some help and representation and will hopefully be able to be more relaxed about the situation.

I have contacted the social worker who was dealing with the case 6 years ago. She doesnt think I have much if anything to worry about, but as you say the courts do go out their way to facilitate the mothers.

I have letters from the school, afterschool, gp, her weekend activites instructors saying how she never misses a class, on time, homework done, happy etc

Maybe I am over panicking but it does cause alot of mental anguish and extra worry. The mother has had ample opportunities to visit but each time she is either "unwell" "its raining" "tired"

I can see if its raining one morning or the mother feels unwell then the child wont go to school or do their homework.

Just want my daughter to have same chance in life as everyone else. I know ideally their should be involvement from both parents but in this situation, I dont believe it would do any good whatsoever.

MrWalsh

custody of child wrote: »

yes, I have full custody from the courts.

Basically when we went to court the mother agreed to give me sole custody. To be honest she had no choice as if she protested the social worker was there with various reports to say why the mother should not have custody of the child and why I should.

Just dont like this sitting over my head. The mother has stated that having her child back would get her somewhere to live alot easier and all her benefits back.

Off course, all this would be heresay...

I think a court would be very unlikely to change your arrangement after 7 years just because the mother has decided she is clean now and wants to move on in life.

It would be very disruptive to your child.

I hope you have a detailed record of missed access arrangements.

As yourself this - why would a judge decide to move a child from a safe stable environment that she has been in for 7 years on the whim of a woman saying she is clean now? I cant see it happening.

But again, get a solicitor.

eviltwin

The duty of the court is to act in the best interest of the child. You both seem to be in a really great place, your doing a great job as parent and your child is happy, more importantly your child's mother has a history of being an unstable parent and hasn't seen her daughter in months...its hard to see what judge would give custody to this woman. Access yes but full custody? It would be very unusual however do get yourself some proper legal advice.

zeffabelli

I have no doubt she will get some kind of access.

I know of a missing father who was domestically violent and absent for 9 years who got Saturday unsupervised access for 5 hours, despite the child not wanting to see this parent.

She will not get custody at all because it will be far too disruptive to the child's life and a court will not want to break established bonds.

It is important the child is given a chance to know its mother.

I would be pre emptive and suggest initial supervised access.

LegacyUser

she has supervised access from day one. She sometimes phones every few months looking to visit but rarely does when the day arrives. Either its too wet, too cold, too tired, unwell.

Seen her once this year (last sunday) for a total of 5 mins and that was just to see if she could get a lend of me

I have no issue with the mother seeing her child but I would oppose very strongly to any over night visits.

It may seem cut and dried but the courts work very differently. Will see what happens in the oncoming weeks

ABajaninCork

If the mother says she's clean, then might it be possible to get the court to order a hair follicle test? If it shows she's using/has used at all, then that will significantly weaken her case and strengthen yours.

LegacyUser

custody of child wrote: »

The mother has stated that having her child back would get her somewhere to live alot easier and all her benefits back.

Off course, all this would be heresay...

Did she say this verbally or in a text? You need to keep a record of all missed appointments and texts. Tedious and all this is you need to log of everything in case she goes back to court to get more access.
Getting more access so she has somewhere to live and get back all her benefits seems to be the sole reason why she wants custody if her scheduled visits have been very haphazard.

Jenneke87

You sir, deserve a medal! I can only echo the advice to get a sollicitor and to let the mother try her best. That being said, if she is clean and truly ready to be involved in your daughters life and wants to be there for her you will have to at least try and facilitate something.

zeffabelli

custody of child wrote: »

she has supervised access from day one. She sometimes phones every few months looking to visit but rarely does when the day arrives. Either its too wet, too cold, too tired, unwell.

Seen her once this year (last sunday) for a total of 5 mins and that was just to see if she could get a lend of me

I have no issue with the mother seeing her child but I would oppose very strongly to any over night visits.

It may seem cut and dried but the courts work very differently. Will see what happens in the oncoming weeks

Why does she suddenly want overnights after so many missed visits?

I'd be very surprised if she got more than a few hours on a Saturday twice a month.

She's blown the most important years and even with a clean record coming in after 7 years with a sense of entitlement is not going to impress anyone.

eviltwin

custody of child wrote: »

she has supervised access from day one. She sometimes phones every few months looking to visit but rarely does when the day arrives. Either its too wet, too cold, too tired, unwell.

Seen her once this year (last sunday) for a total of 5 mins and that was just to see if she could get a lend of me

I have no issue with the mother seeing her child but I would oppose very strongly to any over night visits.

It may seem cut and dried but the courts work very differently. Will see what happens in the oncoming weeks

So she is virtually a stranger to your daughter? Besides the issues re her suitability to take care of a child it would be surprising if she were to be given overnights straight away given that she hasn't had much contact with the child. However its likely that will become a possibility in the future.

Out of interest is there any proof your ex has been a drug user? Medical records, stints in rehab etc? Or is it just your word against hers?

LegacyUser

lots of evidence provided about the mothers drug use. the sudden change in looking for visits is she is currently homeless and believes it having access will get her somewhere to live and claim benefits.

What was explained to me a few years back was that in ireland a mother has what is called a constitutional right therefore always has a right and access to see their child.

Im not against this in the slightest, just worried to see what visiting orders could be put in place

The last 6 years, there has been no official court order to allow visiting ie set in stone. Its all been discretionary based

zeffabelli

custody of child wrote: »

lots of evidence provided about the mothers drug use. the sudden change in looking for visits is she is currently homeless and believes it having access will get her somewhere to live and claim benefits.

What was explained to me a few years back was that in ireland a mother has what is called a constitutional right therefore always has a right and access to see their child.

Im not against this in the slightest, just worried to see what visiting orders could be put in place

The last 6 years, there has been no official court order to allow visiting ie set in stone. Its all been discretionary based

Rights are not absolute for one thing. You have them until you are challenged, and they become easily compromised.

Second thing is that there is some new legislation which extends rights to grandparents, ex partners, etc so one can never know what is in the conciousness of the courts these days.

My suspicion is she hasn't got a hope in hell of overnight access, not for now anyway, and especially being homeless she wont.

Re-entry into a child's life after a 7 year absence usually takes professional help and most people fail at this. If she comes in with the attitude of entitlement after neglecting her duties for the essential formative years of her child's life, that is going to look really really bad.

Rubberchikken

you are doing what any decent parent does, raising their child properly.

but you do need to talk to a solicitor and the sooner the better. that way you'll know exactly what's ahead, possible or otherwise.

good luck

osarusan

Talk to a solicitor soon.

Until you do that, try to keep contact with your ex to a minimum. Don't say anything that will make you look bad in court (and it's probably best not to say anything at all - you might (with good reason) lose your cool and say something you could really regret). If she calls, tell her you're too busy and ask her to send an email.

Make/keep records of all appointments missed, texts or emails sent, etc. to so she won't have the chance to deny she said something she really did say (especially stuff about wanting the child just for benefits).

But again, get legal advice from somebody who specialises in this area they will know the best way to go about it.