Hugely overwhelmed

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster going anon for this, hoping to get some advice on how to cope as I'm hugely stressed at the moment. I work in quite a pressured job and for the past month it's totally taken over my life, I think about it all the time, I don't enjoy my days off because I'm thinking about work, I'm moody and irritable and crying a lot. This is having a knock on effect with my relationships, I don't contact friends or family as I feel too low and my OH while mostly supportive understandably gets frustrated. I can be snappy and take out my stress on him, then I feel horrible about myself and it's a vicious circle. I work shifts and on my mornings off I can't get it together to do any of my normal activities like walking the dog etc-even getting dressed is a massive struggle sometimes. I really dislike the career and have for a while, I hope to change careers but financially we're not in a position for me to do so for another 18 months at least. We're a small company so holiday taking is tricky-I've booked time off to try and unwind but it's not until June. I'm really worried about myself- I've had tough times at work before but never anything that's dragged on for this long and I'm tired of being miserable. I want to be able to cope better with the stresses involved because there's no way of changing my situation for the foreseeable future. Any help would be hugely appreciated

power pants

Can you not search for jobs in the meantime?

Go for interview and if you get the job, hand in your notice?

MrWalsh

Leave the job.

You think you cant, but you can.

No job is worth such a massively negatively effect on your mental health.

So either get looking for another job and then leave as soon as you get one, or leave now and get looking immediately.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify it's the career I'm in that causes me stress, I've worked for various companies doing this role and I've never enjoyed it really. It's not anything about the company per se at the moment that has me stressed, it's stress to do with the role that I would have no matter what company I worked for. I know what role I want to transition into but it means halving my salary to go back entry level and we can't afford it at the moment. At the same time I know it's too damaging to my mental health the way it is now, I'm wondering if I could learn coping strategies too make it bearable until I'm able to leave

Sorry that's all a bit vague but I don't want to be too identifiable

MrWalsh

WorkplaceStress wrote: »

I know what role I want to transition into but it means halving my salary to go back entry level and we can't afford it at the moment. At the same time I know it's too damaging to my mental health the way it is now

On the one hand you are talking about money, on the other, mental health.

There is no price on your mental health, none. Stress is a killer, you could be shortening your life by putting yourself under daily stress. Its just not worth it.

I do not believe you cant afford to go back to entry level, I believe it would mean being assertive with your finances and making cuts where needed to allow it OR, implementing changes that would be rectified over the long term - such as taking a moratorium on the mortgage or taking a loan to cover a period of months. OR by coming up with some kind of sideline to earn a bit extra to cover the hump - but there are always ways. Obviously I dont know your personal circumstances but you might be entitled to FIS. Indeed check with Citizens Info to see what entitlements you might have.

I was made redundant and I really really worried about how we would cope financially. It completely transformed my world view. Now I know that its possible to live a much reduced standard of living but actually be more content than ever doing it. It only lasted for a period of time but Id never fear it again. And as for money, well its takes banks time to really chase people for mortgages etc so there is plenty of breathing space there too.

power pants

Oh, I understand now.

Yes. difficult situation to be in. Are you 100% sure it would be impossible to give up the career and change to the one you want now? It will be a struggle financially in the short to mid term but the benefits at the end will be worth it.

There might never be a right time to change career financially speaking.

TheBeardedLady

Do you have kids, OP? Why can't you afford to leave? You don't need to answer that here but struggling financially for a while would be a lot easier to put up with than this. This sounds like an unbearable situation that could lead to a nervous breakdown.

orthsquel

If you're stressed you should contact your GP and engage with them on strategies to combat stress. Not just being snappy, but where you have consistent thought about work to the point of obsession or where you are having disruptions to your sleep as a result of stress or any other negative effect. If you're struggling to engage in normal activities that you otherwise would enjoy, then there is greater reason to contact your GP and let them know what you are experiencing and most importantly to get yourself help.

Whatever you do, don't go down the route of self-medicating the stress. Don't even be tempted by it. You need positive coping strategies which your GP can provide, as well as self help books and probably websites too, which a quick google give some practical advice on how to cope and what to do if the stress is something you can't avoid which requires you to change your mindset and how you react to it. Even the Dalai Llama has something to offer on stress.

What you really should ask yourself right now is the current role that is causing you stress worth the cost of the stress? Is it worth maybe fracturing your relationship over because of the strain?
Even if you feel too low some days you ought to talk about your stress with someone, friends and family and let them support you. That way, they know what's going on and can offer help or empathy or be there just to listen or distract you from thinking about work, or get you to engage on something relaxing and help you relax.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't know, maybe you're right MrWalsh in that I would cope financially if I had to but I suppose I'm afraid to take that plunge in case I'm swapping one kind of stress for another. At the same time it's not feasible to continue the way I'm living either and I'm in a vicious circle of the worse I feel the harder it is to do anything proactive

MrWalsh

You should draw up a financial plan and examine where and how you could make changes.

I know that no one wants to take a pay cut but the reality is that both your mental and physical health are WAY more important in the long run.

A bit simplistic but I'd rather be happy and broke than miserable and rich! Obviously you need to get your ducks in a row and ensure basic necessities are met, housing, food, etc.. But I'll bet there's plenty of ways you could scale things back to accommodate a much reduced income. It happens people all the time involuntarily, and they cope.

Plus, you'd only be looking at temporary financial hardship. You're still looking to work, just going back a bit to entry level, that won't last forever.

Imagine the lovely feeling of handing in your notice and all that work related stress leaving you? Life is too short to be drowning in work related stress.

The very best of luck to you!

Rubberchikken

you don't want to jump from one stressful job to another so give some serious thought to what work you actually want to do.
i was doing a job i adored, then i got a promotion and foir the first time in my working life found out what it was like to dread mondays, find everyday endless and just ended up miserable and upset.

i handed in my notice one day when i just couldn't do it any more. not an easy decision, was during the recession in the 80' but the relief was immediate.

i'm not suggesting you just hand in your notice. you have to do what's right for you. but it sounds like you've reached a place where some decision had to be made for the sake of your health, mental and body.

best of luck

El_Dangeroso

You know the long term solution is to leave but if for whatever reason you can't do that right now, you need to find some strategy to cope with the stress you are under.

What is the source of your stress? Tight deadlines, high workload? Dealing with tense people, hostile work environment? Take a moment to really try and objectively figure out exactly why this stress occurs. Stress manifests when a task you have to carry out are not properly resourced with time, skills, money or support and understanding from management.

You may think that a job is a fixed thing that will always be the same but you'd be surprised as to the subtle changes you can make in order to reduce your stress levels. Once you've figured out what the root of the stress is, you can start working on minimising that element.

Another strategy you can employ is doing something to 'turn down the volume' of your job in your thoughts, as you said, it's invading your every waking moment, this makes it impossible to gain perspective and so every small problem starts to seem huge. Some ways to do this are taking up yoga, or being very strict on your work boundaries ie when you are in work you work, but when you are off you don't check emails or do little bits from home in the evening, you may think you are being more productive but in fact all you are doing is spreading your already thin internal resources thinner, like driving a car on fumes.

Best of luck OP I've been there, and it's a horrible place where it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I've also gotten through the other side and it feels great to have my life back again.

Glinda

OP, it sounds like you are feeling completely overwhelmed and a bit paralysed by your situation, to the extent that you are not thinking clearly (which is very understandable).

You need to get a bit tough with yourself and realise that the whole thing boils down to something fairly straightforward. Either you can cope with the current situation, or you can't. It's as simple and as stark as that.

If you really can't cope, then there is no point in staying where you are. You have to leave and it's just a matter of deciding when that will be, on your own terms, and making a plan to actually do it.

If you can cope, then you need to set about coping. By which I mean actually managing the situation, not just keeping on doing the same things that have put you where you are. For example, you might just refuse to think about work at all when you aren't actually in work. You can take the view that your employer only pays for a certain proportion of your time, and that's all you are prepared to give to them. Or, you can actively manage your workload, doing one thing at a time and keeping your perspective about what will actually happen if you can't manage to be all things to all people all of the time. Most likely, nothing at all.

I think it would be a good idea to do some reading online about basic assertiveness and now to say no in a constructive way. This will be a big help in managing others' expectations of you without feeling guilty.

Most of all, you need to get your perspective back. What you are doing at the moment isn't working for you at all. You need to change something. Once you do, you'll feel much better about things.

Aimeee

I was in your situation quite a few years ago but reading your post reminded me of it. I was stressed beyond anything I'd experienced at work (a job I used to love). One day we were having grouo supervision and it was highlighted to me that i sounded like someone close to burnout, by the facilitator. It was a shock to me that others could pick it up based on what was coming out of my mouth.
I had to leave and once I'd made the decision the weight lifted off me. I was able to contunue in the same field but far far less responsibility which worked in many ways. Best bit was i went back to basics and remembered why i chose that career in the first place.
Very scary though making the move but i had to do it for my own sake.
Is there any way you can wind back a bit or spread the load? Would it help talking to someone at work if leaving is not an option now?

LegacyUser

Again, thanks to everyone who's taken the trouble to reply to me, I'm very grateful. To try to answer some of the replies:

Part of my role is people and retail management, which I hate. The technical side of my job is still somewhat enjoyable but I spend the majority of my time now organising training, rotas, holidays, retail tasks.... I find it mind numbing and really unfulfilling. Obviously because I feel like this about it I don't perform to the best of my ability and then I get stressed about performing badly. On top of this, we've had two long term staff leave from a small team and the replacements aren't as experienced, and I find I'm picking up the slack. I end up doing a lot of overtime and often don't get a lunch break due to staffing issues-this is common in the industry I work in and not something I can insist on getting unfortunately.
Glinda mentioned assertiveness, which is something I do struggle with and am trying to work on. I find it difficult and it's probably part of the reason I hate the people management side so much. I'm also trying to work on the not obsessing about work when I'm not there but I'm really struggling there, it just seems to be on my mind constantly.

Aimeee

Can you delegate any of the tasks you don't enjoy yourself? I think one of the most difficult things in team management is effective delegation. Can you identify people in the team who may relish one of your tasks, with you having final say. Make it collaborative rather than authoritarian. It's very difficult when long standing staff leave as they have a wealth of experience and possibly did more than was realised until they left. However new blood is always good and can be a good time to implement a few little tweaks here and there.
When I was in the depths of it at work I didn't realise until I'd left that I really couldn't see the wood for trees. Once I took myself out I could see where things could have been less difficult if I got out of my head more and pulled people on board. (There was an element of bullying going at with my place too which I only discovered afterwards when people started talking).

Also you mentioned doing extra etc. I used to do that, do a job myself as I know it'll be finished properly. Big mistake. I'm guessing you are a completer/finisher if you ever did one if those team work questionnaires. You are very reliable and upper management love you as you can be trusted to get it done. However the thing is unless you learn the art of delegation you run yourself into the ground. You also render other people on the team useless, which puts you in a vicious circle.
If you are in a position to delegate, loom at your team, who is good at what and divide things out a wee bit. Small things but things that are necessary for efficient running of the business/team. You might meet yourself coming up along the ranks.

LegacyUser

I've tried to delegate some of the tasks I find really time consuming like rotas but it ended up causing me more stress as who I delegated it to started taking the piss with her own days off and it caused arguments with other members of the team. I do find it hard not to do everything myself, it's tricky to delegate as it's such a small team with varying skill levels

Aimeee

I'm sorry to hear that actually. I've had similar. It's extremely difficult to find the right person for the job in a small team. Rotas and off duties can be the root of all evil sometimes! I used to do them at home, and wonder why nobody had developed a programme where you could input all staff names + what needs have to be met, click return, and the bones of a rota would crop up. That was back in the day when pcs weren't even that common.
Ah I hope it works out for you. Have you any supervisor you could talk to just to share the pain, that you can trust? I've never worked in retail so not sure how the lines of management trickle down.
Have you any holidays to take, a few days to make a week, change scenery and clear the head?
I really hope you come to a solution that's satisfactory. Look after yourself.

LegacyUser

. I want to be able to cope better with the stresses involved because there's no way of changing my situation for the foreseeable future. Any help would be hugely appreciated

Stating the obvious the one way you could improve your situation is to look for a new job but I understand this is not possible. I am no stranger to stress and depreciation and believe you me I have googled the subject so many times trying to help myself feel better. You could try CBT to sort of redirect your negative thoughts and give you a new perspective but I also wish to give you this advice and it has really worked on me- Magnesium and vitamin B6 which gets depleted in your body during stressful times. Google the effects of magnesium on depreciation/stress yourself and it may just give you a little break to re adjust your thought processes . wish you all the best.