Death of a parent

WildRosie

My Dad died on Sunday. I was extremely close to him. I had significant mental health problems during my 20's and he supported me through them like no one else could and has always looked after me, despite me being an adult. I depended on him a lot, practically and emotionally.

He died after a long illness, it was expected. My brother and I had the most perfect conversation with him just before he died, it was so perfect it could have been in a movie, he and we said everything we wanted to say and I've never felt so loved and special in my life.

Today is the first day after the funeral and I basically feel nothing. Like it's another day. Even at the funeral, my eyes didn't well up once, I smiled and greeted the other mourners, I got up and gave a eulogy without any trouble. I'm his executor (something that I'm so proud of, that he trusted me to look after everything when there were a lot of people he could have asked) and I've been looking after practicalities today. But just like at the funeral, it doesn't feel like it's my Dad. It could be anyone. It's like I still feel he's up in the hospital. Like, I can make myself sad and can cry if I look at photos but other than that, I feel totally fine, too fine really. Because of my mental health problems, I'm up to my neck in psychoactive drugs, and I feel like maybe they have deadened my emotional reaction or something? Or maybe I just feel relieved that his suffering is over, cos he did suffer. I guess my fear is that I'm unconsciously bottling everything away by surrounding myself in practicalities and in a few months everything will come crashing down and I'll end up in hospital again.

On the other hand, I am very like my Dad, quite stoic, minded towards practicalities and good at getting on with things, so maybe this just is my natural, normal reaction because I'm pretty sure this is how he would have been if one of us died? He told me I'd be the strong one, the one that would look after everyone else, I didn't believe him but he just looked at me and said 'you'll surprise yourself, but you won't surprise me, you're your father's daughter after all'. I just look at my mother and brother who are very alike and they are truly devastated and obviously grieving and there I am apparently totally fine and feeling quite abnormal for it...I should also add that I'm quite happy with the way I am, I feel like I'm coping well and pleased with myself for being able to handle the practical side of things cos it has to be done and don't exactly want to feel the awful emotional pain the rest of my family are going through, but again, that in itself seems abnormal...

Independent1

My thoughts are with you. I too lost my dad, last December. I was exactly the same. I felt "fine" at the funeral (if that's possible) I still don't think it's fully hit me. I have my good and bad days. Lots of little things set me off but I still keep expecting to just see him. It's a feeling I could never describe.

WildRosie

I know what you mean, I keep going to text him. I was sitting in bed on Sunday morning with his and my phones in my hand and still thought oh I must text Dad. And at the funeral yesterday there was a colleague over from the UK and as soon as I saw him I thought must text Dad and tell him that he was there! It's so strange. It's like I have two minds or something, one that knows and one that doesn't.

NSAman

Hi Rosie, I am sorry that you lost your father. Having lost my dad His anniversary is VERY soon it takes time to realise what you have lost. I was away when my dad went unconscious, I came home and I was there and said what I had to say to him, when he regained consciousness for the last time.

With all the travel, his death seemed surreal. The planning the organisation of everything took my mind and my families mind away from things. The day of the funeral was difficult but not the worst.

When things quietened down, when people left, when I was with my own thoughts is when it hit me hardest. Again I was away and I can honestly say, I missed everyone so much that I just had to come home again. It was a wrong decision on my part to fly out so quickly. I realise that now. All of us felt the same way, it took a week for the whole thing to become real. It still hurts to this day, but it does become easier.

I was close with my dad too. A great man, worked and provided for all of us without a thought for himself. He was ill for a long long time, as a family we all cared for him and mam. He deserved no less from us.

I still to this day, talk to him about problems. Some may say that is crazy, but to me it is a realisation that he is still in my head and always will be.

At this time, please say how you feel to your family. Do not cut yourself off from them. They will be a massive help in getting through this. We are a close family anyway, but my dads passing brought is closer than ever and our extended family too... we are now a very tight massive group of people who care about each other and look out for one another.

Please look after yourself, take things easy, do not worry about all the material things like wills....etc... they can be sorted later, just comfort each other.

Be well..

Independent1

Also don't feel bad for feeling different or emotionless. It is the most surreal experience and I honestly believe your body is built to adapt or compensate somewhat. I didn't necessarily have a 'bad time' after it was all over but it has majorly affected my sleep and I have recurrent dreams where I wake up very upset. It's so very strange to explain.

My dad does quite young and it was al very sudden, although we did get to be with him for his last moments. I am delighted that we got to spend this time with him. It's strange but I do genuinely still feel his presence at times.

WildRosie

I also feel his presence. I hoped I would and I very much do, but I felt him before he died because I am so very like him, it's a running joke that I must have got 95% of genes from him as I am so like him. I partly think this is why I am handling things in the way I am. Because that's how he would have done it. I am not a public speaker, like at all, I get nervous speaking in front of my friends in college and develop a slight stammer, but Dad regularly spoke publicly and was superb at it and coached me for various speeches I have had to do. He must have helped me when I delivered the eulogy yesterday, because I know I did it well and without a single butterfly in front of a nearly full church and he would have been very proud of me.

I suppose what surprises me is that for my whole life I was a total Daddy's girl, to the point of it being cliche. He could read me like no one else as I'm usually a closed book and only he would have the words to make whatever I was worrying about better. There was a time years ago that I had a pregnancy scare and he somehow knew. Don't ask me how cos no one told him, I wasn't even in a relationship. All he said was that there was no need to be 'getting boats' and worrying about money because he would be there every step of the way and a grandchild at any time is a blessing. Nothing more was said cos it was a false alarm but now I can't stop wishing it wasn't and I had given him a grandchild. That is my sole regret in all of this. He would have been the best grandad. He was apparently exactly like my grandad who died before I was born and I always felt cheated that I didn't get to meet him and have two versions of my Dad, I'd have been the most spoiled brat in South Dublin! And now if I'm ever blessed with a child, they'll have to make do with photos and stories of a man that would loved and cherished them so much. Most of his friends and sisters are grandparents and I knew that was what was missing for him, not that he ever said it. Nothing I can do about it now though.

I think I'll have to just see how the next few weeks go and hope for the best and try not to be too hard on myself.

LegacyUser

Totally know how you feel as I feel very similar myself after having lost mum a few weeks ago. She did get to see a grandchild but only for a few short months. I feel so cheated too as with 3 out of 4 grandparents dead he only has one left. My mother adored him and was fantastic with him, he loved her even though he was only a few months old. Life is very unfair isn't it? I look at all my friends with their whole family still intact and feel so envious of that. I think how you are feeling is totally normal, and expressing it is good. X

LynnGrace

My sincere condolences on your sad loss.
Grief is a strange thing, in my experience. There will be good days and not so good days. People handle it different ways, and there is no right or wrong way.
Your dad sounds like a great guy, and you had a brilliant relationship. In time, that will bring you great comfort too.

I'm going to echo one thing you said in your last piece there about not being hard on yourself. Absolutely. Be kind to yourself, take care of the everyday basics of eating properly, getting exercise and sleep.

You sound very strong, I think you mentioned the word stoic in one of your posts. That is great. Don't be afraid though to sometimes take support from others, there will be days when you help them, and there will be days to let them help you.

All the best.