can't get over breakup

LegacyUser

Hi all. I'm having a tough time getting over breakup at the moment. It was an eight month relationship but I was heavily invested emotionally. She ended it out of the blue two months ago.

I go through phases of acceptance and non-acceptance. I try to keep the negative 'what ifs' at bay but they build up and next thing I'm feeling incredibly anxious, thinking I need to change this! I wake up some mornings in a state of panic. I sometimes think a big romantic gesture might help and it subsides until I realise that won't work I'd probably only embarass myself. We're on very good terms but she made it clear she's done.

She mentioned a few key moments post breakup where she may have been convinced to come back but I didn't realize and didn't act. That regret is eating away.


From what i see she has moved on and I need to also. I nearly accepted it at an earlier stage but some part of me kept saying don't let go and I have regressed to trying to fix the unfixable.

Any insight or experience would really help.

Jasper_

She made it clear shes done. Then, made it clear that there where a few moments you could have won her back post break up?! What is that about? Who does that?!

Op, she sounds like a head melter based purely on the above. Regardless of you being on good terms you need to distance your self from this woman. The break up has hit you hard and you are clearly not over her, so you need to go no contact.

Speak with her calmly and with no grand melodramatic statements of "this is the last time we will ever speak" or such sort. Tell you you need some space from her so for the next 6 months/year/2 years/indefinite you will be having zero contact with her. Ask her to respect this and then delete this woman for your life and move on.

LegacyUser

Jasper_ wrote: »

She made it clear shes done. Then, made it clear that there where a few moments you could have won her back post break up?! What is that about? Who does that?!

Op here. Thanks for the reply Jasper. Maybe I should have been clearer. She said clearly she was done. I cut contact straight after and she said that during that period, just in passing as a throwaway comment, that whatever hope there was of reconciliation it was then but she's over that now.

ColeTrain

Firstly sorry that you're going through a hard time OP. Jasper is correct with his advice. No Contact is the best move for you here. Delete her number and remove her as a friend on Facebook, it's not easy to do but it is vital.

When you have done that, then you do YOU. Focus on your own hobbies and keep yourself busy. After a while the pain will subside little by little.


Also, this part is complete bull****:

She mentioned a few key moments post breakup where she may have been convinced to come back but I didn't realize and didn't act. That regret is eating away.

She is the one who broke up with you. Don't regret anything, she's playing mind games designed to make you feel bad because some people love getting under your skin like that, they thrive on it - don't take heed.

Keep your head up, things will get better.

Big Bag of Chips

She's not worth the effort, OP. She broke it off with you. If she wanted to get back with you it was up to her to come back to you saying she had made a mistake. What she is basically telling you is that even though she finished with you what she wanted was for you to chase her and beg her back. She wants you chasing around after her, and she wants to hold on the cards in the relationship and keep you on your toes worrying about the next time she'd break it off with you.

Leave her be. You'll find someone who isn't as much hard work.

zcorpian88

Still getting over a break up myself, my few other relationships ended amicably but my recent one I ended which was a first for me,

Was unbelievably difficult for me to do as it was the longest relationship I had been in, was nearly 2 years and it was a long distance relationship, but I fell for her and compromised all the way, I came up to see her as often as I could, anything she wanted I tried to get it for her and succeeded most of the time, when she was feeling down I comforted her to make her feel better, I listened and tried to the best of my ability to understand our conversations about her masters and her PhD that she was doing when I ended it, complex as it was.

I ended it because I was bottling up an issue she fired at me in the second year of the relationship, well the the first year she kept saying in a jokey way that she didn't want kids and being that we weren't going out long it was the last thing on my mind and I didn't want to settle down until I have the money to look after a family. Anyway into the second year she got a little bit more serious on the subject and said because she is an academic in a science field that she is statistically to have a child with autism. I didn't know how to react to what was said so I just stayed silent on it really and the issue was poking at me on and off for months but I didn't want to break it off because really it wasn't in my comprehension. I was thinking "Maybe she'll change her mind and open up to the possibility of it and take a chance" She made me the happiest I've ever been but the issue was just poking and proding me for quite some time.

I didn't want her to believe everything she reads and to diagnose herself to be sort of inferior of doing whatever she wanted as long as she was happy with me. I also think it's partly to do with the fact she's adopted and has some issues with her biological mother who she met a number of years ago and might not want to continue the gene pool so to speak because of her. She had a number of remarks throughout the relationship like "Oh I would have been so much cleverer if not for her and her lifestyle" Where I look at her and say "You're fine the way you are, how could you be more clever? You're a young phD student for God's sake" She used to beat herself up for things that didn't even matter and I constantly had to comfort her over all sorts of things.

She is an insanely dedicated academic and towards the end she made very little time for me and it was my birthday back in October and I wanted her to come down and visit me, but she signed up to some paper through her supervisor which she wasn't obligated to do but she kept saying "Yes" and jumping to every thing even if she didn't have to, so rather than come see me for my birthday she chose to stay at home e-mailing this one in America till all hours of the night because of the time difference.

I went up to see her the following week and it was the same story, still tied to the computer working all day and well into the night barely uttering a sentence at me unless it was work related, wouldn't even apologize about intentionally missing my birthday get together and wouldn't make it up to me, pretty much willingly stressing and working herself into the ground and never enjoying herself. The passive behaviour towards me the whole weekend just made me burn out and triggered everything I had been burying and I just blew up I ended it, I won't go into details about how exactly I ended it but I could have done it better.

I always feel awful about it, her parents really liked me and treated me like one of the family and always welcomed me and I got on like a house on fire with them and I feel like I let them down. I feel like I let my friends down too since they loved her, she had her good qualities which is why I fell for her, feel like I've deprived them of her company and her of theirs.

All I wanted really was the relationship to take a natural course and have the future I think it deserved as long as she was happy with me and for her not to believe herself to be a lesser woman, which she isn't, because at the end of it I had 100% faith in her and everything would be ok. We were close and I thought she'd be the one for me because we related in so many ways but I was afraid to open my mouth on the children thing because I didn't want to wreck everything and have to start from square one. I also wanted her to have more fun and socialize and for us to do things together and for to realize that staying inside the house working morning, noon and night isn't healthy and she will end up burning out herself if she doesn't blow off some steam and relax. I couldn't bring her to do either and I felt I had no choice but to end it and I'm ridden with guilt over it still 5 months later because at the end of it I still love her and I just wanted to take things in the direction I expected it should go.

I wish I could give a solution to you broken2212 to get your mind off it, for me I just keep occupied and look for things to do and it does get my mind off my break up temporarily, but at least in my case the mind drifts back to her once whatever I do gets done and I'm back to square one again. Basically just keep occupied and I'd hope you can get over it.

LegacyUser

broken2212 wrote: »

Hi all. I'm having a tough time getting over breakup at the moment. It was an eight month relationship but I was heavily invested emotionally. She ended it out of the blue two months ago.

I go through phases of acceptance and non-acceptance. I try to keep the negative 'what ifs' at bay but they build up and next thing I'm feeling incredibly anxious, thinking I need to change this! I wake up some mornings in a state of panic. I sometimes think a big romantic gesture might help and it subsides until I realise that won't work I'd probably only embarass myself. We're on very good terms but she made it clear she's done.

She mentioned a few key moments post breakup where she may have been convinced to come back but I didn't realize and didn't act. That regret is eating away.


From what i see she has moved on and I need to also. I nearly accepted it at an earlier stage but some part of me kept saying don't let go and I have regressed to trying to fix the unfixable.

Any insight or experience would really help.

Do you know for sure she has moved on, What Did she say when you broke up to make you think she would have come back?

Have you talked to your friends about this, if so What have they suggested?

AgonyAunt

I agree with other comments here, Why should you go chasing her if she broke up with you? That is playing games, it sounds like she needs a lot of attention.
Would you have to see her out and about a lot around your area (presumably you live in the same area of course) or would your paths rarely cross?

You say you're on very good terms, would you talk often? I think No contact would be in your best interest to help yourself get through this tough time.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks all for your helpful comments. To be honest, I don't think it was a mind game. We were discussing the breakup and it was merely a comment to give the signal that 'I'm over this now, please don't try to convince me otherwise'.

I didn't try to convince her by the way, as soon as she gave that hint I didn't approach the subject. The head says don't try to convince but the heart is telling me I need to pull out all the stops to put this right.

We will rarely bump into each other unless arranged. We don't talk at all any more, both trying to move on, by good terms I mean there wasn't a huge bust up or anything.

Not seeing her makes it easier to move on in general but I keep getting this compulsion that if ever its going to come right, it has to be done now and I need to act. If we were bumping into each other regularly I wouldn't be dealing with this as I'd have those opportunities.

Big Bag of Chips

She broke up with you because she didn't like you enough to stay in a relationship with you. She wouldn't have just done it out of the blue. She would have thought about it for a while, put it off once or twice, until eventually plucking up the courage to do it.

You can not convince her to give it another go. She had moved on long before she told you. She's further down the "over it" road than you. I don't think you can bring her back. You might be able to, temporarily. But her heart isn't it, and it won't be in it.

LegacyUser

hi op,

If your ex gf has ANY contact with you now, then it is certain she is simply playing games for ego gratification and ego/power trip.

Believe me you do NOT want a person like this. I get the feeling you need her to 'complete' you but you should never depend on another for this because they will always let you down. And so they should let you down because you ARE complete ! Can you say– I love my 'self'? then don't expect another to do it for you.

Forget about her, and work hard to keep annoying thoughts about her OUT of your mind. It's the thoughts which want feeding, so don't feed them. Then I bet you she'll come running to your arms. Form a relationship with a power trip and they will subtly put you down for their own glory.

Get yourself a sincere and genuine girl, even one with some confidence issues is OK and don't judge a book by it's cover because in the long run you will be happy.

good luck and love yourself before you love anyone.

PaperWeight_88

If you think that there is something there worth saving then maybe it calls for a big romantic gesture. Is this girl worth fighting for?
If you truly love her and if you guys shared something special then there would be no embarrassment. You would just know in your heart that you did everything you could.

If she responds positively then great. If she makes it clear again that she does not want a relationship with you, you walk away and think to yourself -her loss. This will give you closure.