Some advice re sex life

LegacyUser

Hi,
Kinda awkward so i will go unreg.

Am 35 yo male, never kissed a girl let alone sex or anything - not gay either. Was shy at school, lived at home during college years and not huge into drinking - basically a perfect storm for not mixing and meeting people, so stuck my head down and got along with college.

Then the years just past, any friends I have are gone off to different places - basically just alone now. Seems like I missed out on that period where meeting girls and learning the do's and do nots parts. Sex wise, just use porn whenever I "need" to, but honestly thats only once or twice a week, chat up girls on website for phone sex type stuff - more from utter boredom than anything else.

Tried online dating, met two girls in 2 years neither replied to any texts - so im guessing im not that great looking. Have asked out three girls in a coffee shop type situation - awful experience but had to be done or else the "crush" would have driven me insane.

Guess just wanted to chat about this with other guys in private, not really something I could ever chat about with a friend. Sorry for a rambling post but just felt let getting this off my chest and maybe hopefully get some useful advice.

DavidRamsay99

You aren't making any real effort whatsoever.
You have to go up to women and talk to them and forget about embarrassment and fear of failure and rejection.
There literally is no other way.

Jimmy Bottlehead

I'd also recommend an assessment of your looks, fashion, appearance, grooming, etc.
Put a ride of a man in a **** suit and he'll look woeful.
Put a hound in a good suit with a good haircut and nice scent and he'll appear a million times more attractive.

eviltwin

How do you feel around women in general? In order to get to a point where sex might be possible you have to have a degree of confidence just talking to them. If you feel under pressure or nervous that's going to be obvious and that might make you look desperate or strange which is off putting to women.

Maybe you should focus on just getting to know women in a social setting first and practice your social skills before taking it to the next level. Joining a meet up group or a local class of something might help.

LadyAthame

Get out and meet people get some female friends. Get comfortable with hanging out.

industrialhorse

Look around for clubs or groups of people who have the same interests as you and meet up on regular or irregular basis. For example, libraries usually have small notices or posters up for people to meet over a recent book by a certain novelist and discuss what they thought about the book. These meet ups usually happen in cafes or small bars on an earlier night in the week so they aren't disrupted by a different crowd.

I'm sure you have a number of interests yourself and surely there must be some women out there who share those same interests and who might even be in a similar position to yourself.

So basically don't be afraid to get out there and mingle but do it on your own terms and don't ever feel pressured into leaving your own comfort zone if someone ever becomes overbearing or something like that.

Also there must be a good few groups on this site that do meetups without the need for sticking posters up in libraries or shop windows! best of luck with it:)

Potatoeman

How attractive are you, looks, body type and how do you dress? How good are you at interactions?

How did the online dates go, was there any spark or any long silences? A bit of cheeky charm and confidence goes a long way.

kindaawkwardsounreg

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Tried online dating, met two girls in 2 years neither replied to any texts - so im guessing im not that great looking.

That does not follow at all. There can be any number of factors which would lead to a first meeting not going anywhere - other than looks. That two dates went nowhere means nothing at all - let alone an issue with your looks.

Read threads about people using online dating. The most common story I see is that people try many dates before something goes anywhere. And many others try many dates and none of them go anywhere. There are multiple threads of people giving up on online dating for example.

So do not over extrapolate from two failed experiences. That is a drop in the ocean compared to what many experience.

walshb

OP? You there?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for the replies and yes I get the general theme - get over yourself and get out there no one will hold your hand you have to do something to get something.

I guess I have 3 issues, 1) Honestly I cannot even think of any type of club/soc. to join, most of my interests are things that are not group things. Also I don' t think heading along to something I have no interest in is a great idea either.

2) Scared to death that my utter lack of experience will be/ has been "sniffed" out by any woman and is an instant turn off to them.

3) I have missed the boat and at this point, the best I can do is some mad woman desperate to have kids - rather that a cute girl who is happy to talk and hangout with.

Mod: Please don't generalise about women.

Jimmy Bottlehead

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Hi OP here, thanks for the replies and yes I get the general theme - get over yourself and get out there no one will hold your hand you have to do something to get something.

I guess I have 3 issues, 1) Honestly I cannot even think of any type of club/soc. to join, most of my interests are things that are not group things. Also I don' t think heading along to something I have no interest in is a great idea either.

2) Scared to death that my utter lack of experience will be/ has been "sniffed" out by any woman and is an instant turn off to them.

3) I have missed the boat and at this point, the best I can do is some mad woman desperate to have kids - rather that a cute girl who is happy to talk and hangout with.

Mod: Please don't generalise about women.

1) I'm going to recommend Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for two reasons - number one, I did it and loved it as does anyone I know who's tried it. And number two, it'll get you fit, challenge you and basically help you man up.
If not, try any of the hobbies that is in the hobby topic here. Loads of posters with loads of different hobbies that might catch your eye. Just choose a social one.

2) It probably did scare off and turn off women up til now. That was the past. The present is where you can sort your **** out. And the future is where you can try to ensure you don't turn women off.

3) As guys, we're lucky that our age rising isn't as big a deal to women as a woman's age can be to guys. We age well and you likely haven't 'missed the boat.' Work on yourself, and put yourself out there WITH the cute, fun girls. You choose who you do or don't approach, so you don't have to just jump at (to use your term) mad women who just want kids.

As you're being properly humdrum about it all and seem to need a gentle kick up the arse I'm going to challenge you to search for an MMA or jiu jitsu gym near you today, and drop them a call/text/email. They'll respond most likely in a friendly manner, offering you a free class or free week of beginner classes. And that'll be the first step done.

eviltwin

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Hi OP here, thanks for the replies and yes I get the general theme - get over yourself and get out there no one will hold your hand you have to do something to get something.

I guess I have 3 issues, 1) Honestly I cannot even think of any type of club/soc. to join, most of my interests are things that are not group things. Also I don' t think heading along to something I have no interest in is a great idea either.

2) Scared to death that my utter lack of experience will be/ has been "sniffed" out by any woman and is an instant turn off to them.

3) I have missed the boat and at this point, the best I can do is some mad woman desperate to have kids - rather that a cute girl who is happy to talk and hangout with.

Mod: Please don't generalise about women.

Op it sounds like you have just given up and tbh that kind of attitude is off putting. If someone is defeatist from the get go, male or female, its really unattractive. Its picked up on and no one wants to be around that.

You need to be patient and make a plan. Get out there and start meeting people, join a club, join one of the meetup groups, get involved in your local area and see what you can do. Just go out and meet people with no pressue to find a date, practice your social skills etc.

Women won't know a bean about your lack of experience until you tell them. What they will pick up on is a lack of confidence and social anxiety. You don't need to be some kind of suave, social butterfly to pick up a woman but you do need to be able to string two words together and be comfortable and have the right body language. If you don't you'll scream desperate and thats a massive turn off.

Point 3 is just the sum of your resignation, you don't need to settle and tbh its not fair on the woman either to just make do for the sake of. Give yourself some time out, focus on your personal development first.

kindaawkwardsounreg

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

most of my interests are things that are not group things.

What would they be then out of curiosity? It is amazing how few pursuits do not have a social element to them if you apply some imagination. If you learn a musical instrument for example - there are jam sessions. If you learn a language - there are meetup to talk in that language sessions. Computer gaming have social meetups - and there are specifically social games like Ingress.

Short of wanton masturbation most pursuits have a social aspect - and even then you might find a group or two at that And on those few topics where there is not a social version of it - you then have a niche to create one. I have a friend who formed a womens rugby team for example because he loves rugby. And he married one of the players

I myself was painfully shy in my college years and a lay about goon to boot. Later in life I realised I loved live music and so I started going on to the forums on websites of bands and singers I liked. I would organise "pre gig meetups" so people into the same music would meet up a couple hours or more before a gig. I would aim to give a time and location for the meet and I tried to be imaginative and comical in how I made the group visible for when people showed up (usually with life size card board cut outs of band members or fans who couldnt show up). This not only forced me out of my shyness and social awkwardness - it made me the CENTRE of attention in many ways (good for ones social status) - and the relationship I am in now - which is an mff one - I met both of the girls through that music and those meetups I organised.

So I CREATED a social niche out of the things I loved and could not see a social niche for. And I never looked back. Consider doing the same whatever your interests actually are.

You are right though - I do not recommend joining things you have no interest in for the sole purposes of meeting women. People recommend salsa and yoga and stuff - as a place to meet women - and thats good if you are into it - but if you are there without interest for a purely sexual agenda it will come across and make you and everyone else miserable as you do not even want to be there in the first place.

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Scared to death that my utter lack of experience will be/ has been "sniffed" out by any woman and is an instant turn off to them.

Complete nonsense for a start. Even if something like that could be "sniffed" you will find there are as many people endeared by it as put off by it. And if you had a TON of experience and confidence - you will find AGAIN there are as many people drawn to it as repelled by it. So wherever you are on the scale - your fear is groundless for the most part. Unless you yourself become obsessed with your location on that scale - which CAN be a turn off.

In short it is not your inexperience that will turn anyone off - but your own self obsession with it if you allow yourself to form one.

Further it is a self-propagating issue. The longer you put off experience because you have no experience - then the longer you will have no experience Simple as that. The only way to solve the cycle is to break it. Here and now.

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

I have missed the boat and at this point, the best I can do is some mad woman desperate to have kids - rather that a cute girl who is happy to talk and hangout with.

Again a nonsense. The world is punctuated by stories of people who find love later in life - either because they were delayed like you - or a LONG term partner left or died or was otherwise lost. You are far from the only person coming late to the game.

the evasion_kid

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Hi OP here, thanks for the replies and yes I get the general theme - get over yourself and get out there no one will hold your hand you have to do something to get something.

I guess I have 3 issues, 1) Honestly I cannot even think of any type of club/soc. to join, most of my interests are things that are not group things. Also I don' t think heading along to something I have no interest in is a great idea either.

2) Scared to death that my utter lack of experience will be/ has been "sniffed" out by any woman and is an instant turn off to them.

3) I have missed the boat and at this point, the best I can do is some mad woman desperate to have kids - rather that a cute girl who is happy to talk and hangout with.

Mod: Please don't generalise about women.

I'd try tinder op there's a ton of mid thirty and beyond ladies on it

LegacyUser

Hi OP again,
Thanks again for the advice, yes I know it's in my own best interest to get my sh*t together.

I have looked around for clubs/societies to join in, there are some classes but nothing that I am that interested in, but I will keep looking.
Previous poster had recommended MMA, ya that won't be happening any time soon - not very fit.

I don't have facebook so no tinder, have tried PoF and OK, usual nonsense must have sent out like 40 messages not one reply - not spam either I wrote each message.

So hopefully will get some more exercise and something will happen.
Thanks for the help.

LoganRice

Go out to Coppers in Dublin

Wibbs

Hardly "advice" LoganRice. Let's keep posts to a better standard please.

the_syco

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Am 35 yo male, never kissed a girl let alone sex or anything - not gay either. Was shy at school, lived at home during college years and not huge into drinking - basically a perfect storm for not mixing and meeting people, so stuck my head down and got along with college.

Also 35, but unless you had the money for a social life, you may not have missed out much.

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Previous poster had recommended MMA, ya that won't be happening any time soon - not very fit.

You go to become fit.

Someone mentioned Coppers; if you go there now, you'll probably hate the place. Go again after 3 months of MMA, and you'll have a different mind set.

RainyDay

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

I guess I have 3 issues, 1) Honestly I cannot even think of any type of club/soc. to join, most of my interests are things that are not group things. Also I don' t think heading along to something I have no interest in is a great idea either.

Loads of people end up pairing up in some kind of group activity - could be scouts, or politics, or protest groups, or sports teams (tag rugby is a hotbed of dating apparently). Find some group activity that you're vaguely interested and go for it.

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Previous poster had recommended MMA, ya that won't be happening any time soon - not very fit.

There's an opportunity there. MMA or a sports team or the ring of Kerry cycling event - find something that will involve other people.

shaymus27

I know nothing about this, but what about trying a dating site where you can join and browse for free but if you want to exchange details you have to pay to join fully? I would imagine there might be people more serious about meeting someone on such a site.

No need for you to be scared about your lack of experience. You want to meet a decent woman and surely a decent woman wouldn't be rushing to judge and condemn you. If a woman did that she's not worth bothering with.

You might want to examine the type of woman you want to meet. Cute women to hang out with sounds a bit childish to me. What about meeting a nice woman who will be interested in you? You haven't done great with women in the past and cute women tend to know they are cute women and tend to want to hang out with cute guys who are attractive and confident. You sound like you are aiming too high and need to be more real and realistic. Maybe that comes from not having much experience with women.

You are still young so no need to panic but do be proactive.

Best of luck.

Help!!!!

When you asked the girls out in the coffee shop had you already chatted to them? Don't just go up to random girls you've not spoken to asking them out on dates, even the most experienced guys will usually fail with that.
As some have suggested here update your appearance, join a club or something, just get out socialising but don't get hung up on having to ask out the first girl who's nice to you. If you meet a girl/woman then get to know her first before asking her out

Worked with a guy whose motto was if he asked out a thousand girls & only one said yes then it was worth it. He would ride past a girl on his bike staring at her, if she glanced his way he would turn around & go back to her to ask her out. Unfortunately most women find that creepy so he is still single & most probably a virgin at the ripe old age of 40

syklops

Then the years just past, any friends I have are gone off to different places - basically just alone now.

Flaming hell, you sound like you are 85, counting down the minutes til you go to your grave, not 35.

As another poster said, you've not made much effort, but if you have no friends left at 35, it sounds like you are not making much effort with either women or men.

What do you enjoy doing?

beks101

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Hi OP again,
Thanks again for the advice, yes I know it's in my own best interest to get my sh*t together.

I have looked around for clubs/societies to join in, there are some classes but nothing that I am that interested in, but I will keep looking.
Previous poster had recommended MMA, ya that won't be happening any time soon - not very fit.

I don't have facebook so no tinder, have tried PoF and OK, usual nonsense must have sent out like 40 messages not one reply - not spam either I wrote each message.

So hopefully will get some more exercise and something will happen.
Thanks for the help.

Totally negative, defeatist attitude there OP. This is likely the main reason why you're in the situation you're in. That combined with complacency means you're hardly likely to be meeting reams of women during the course of your day, does it?

1. Look for more clubs, or join one that sounds vaguely interesting, one you perhaps don't know too much about, just for the laugh. You might learn something new; even if it's not your cup of tea at all at all it will be fodder for interesting and funny conversation. Everyone wants to be around an interesting and funny conversationalist.

2. So join facebook, then join tinder. Revise your online dating profiles and ask a female friend - someone of your age and demographic and with an ability to be brutally honest - to cast an eye over it.

I dabbled in online dating before I met my OH and I swear to god, some lads just didn't have a clue. Badly lit awkward selfies, blurry photos from ten years ago, group photos where they weren't the best looking guy there (or even the second best looking guy there), overly negative and bitter or just super serious profiles, long essays of messages etc. Any single one of these things will let you down. You need to put your best foot forward with online dating and Rule Number One, have a thick skin. 40 rejections is tame if you're a lad, regardless of what you look like.

Get fit, really fit. Be in cracking shape, not only will you look more attractive, but the aul confidence will be a million times better. You'll ruminate less and the sense of proactiveness of getting yourself out the door to get in shape will extend more naturally to other facets of your life.

jackwalsh

Hey dude you must have get mentally strong that you can do it.

Field east

There was something similar to this OP and it turned out to be a 100% troll so here's hoping
(1) the first thing you should do is to get advice from a dating or maybe life coach . Some professional that will get to understand what your current modus operandi, etc, is and then advise you're what to change in it, what new things to do, etc. It might cost but well worth investing in as it might involve a few 'reporting back' sessions.
(2) Not withstanding the above, you still have not said what you are qualified at, what you work at, where you live re urban or rural setting, your interests , hobbies, what skills, can you confide in anyone and who, etc.

(3)I would concur with 95+% 0f all the posts. For example, just look at some of the wedding photographs in your typical local paper- and not your glossy magazine. You ,I or my wife might say 'what did she/he see in her/him' or 'My God, she/he looks like the back of a ---. The so called smart, chic, witty lady can quiet often be a thin veneer, a false front , etc. to every persons outside there is also an 'inside' and that side can take much longer to get to know.

(4) I would put sex on the back burner. A lot can happen, has to be done before the ultimate intimacy bit. Get to know the person first and ultimately things happen in a consensual way
(5)you have given us a very specific clue to help ie your realisation that your weight might be a problem. So buy well fitted , attractive looking walking gear and walk briskly a mile a day starting off -takes circa 15 min- building up to 3 miles /day ideally. Some walking is better than no walking. Bring water and 'sit on a wall/ bench now and again to take a sip. You never know , someone might say hello or might ask you for the time, etc , etc, etc,. Walking groups are excellent because you are largely in control of who you want to talk to, when ,for how long, about what and if you want to plod along for a while on the walk. It is an opportunity in a very casual way to really socialise a direct / indirect way.

In addition to this review your diet.

LegacyUser

Hi OP again,
Once more thanks for the advice just to answer some questions.
1) the women I asked out in the coffee shop situation - I had been chatting to them for 2 weeks ish and they would tell me details about " oh this happened last night blah blah" so i assumed might aswell take the plunge and ask. So basically Im not super weird and know how to be polite and not creepy.
2)While I am not that fat, 85 kg at 6ft , It just plays on my mind.
3) The reason I rejected the MMA thing out of hand was because I know from joining a gym before and having daily walks - after about 3 weeks something comes up that gets in the way and then a few days pass and then im out of the habit - plus I feel MMA might be going in at the deep end, unless there is a couch to mma guide out there somewhere

I know I am rubbish at the social stuff, I have zero friends that are local so its up to me to fix these things, and honestly fear is what holds me back. Perhaps is a chicken and egg problem but most of my hobbies interests are ones you do alone - gaming ( think plat former rather than those team ones ), electronics, computers, science.
Re the other poster, yes if I could find a girl of my age to give opinions on a dating profile I would pay her! come to think of it that could be a business idea!

kindaawkwardsounreg

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

3) The reason I rejected the MMA thing out of hand was because I know from joining a gym before and having daily walks - after about 3 weeks something comes up that gets in the way and then a few days pass and then im out of the habit

The trick there is try to fit it in anyway - even if you only do it for 2 minutes. Just to keep it in your routine on those days when time does not actually allow you to do the full hog. It might feel ridiculous to go out for a run for 2 minutes - or a walk for 2 minutes - but do not underestimate the power of keeping it in your routine even at that level - rather than letting it go.

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

most of my hobbies interests are ones you do alone - gaming ( think plat former rather than those team ones ), electronics, computers, science.

And as I suggested earlier - these might not be as solo as you think. There are very rarely things out there you can not find a social aspect for. Give ingress a try on your phone for a game - and you will find a few people training you up before you know it and inviting you on farming and social nights.

Where a niche exists that you can not find a social version of your hobby however - consider creating one. As I said before a guy I know who loved rugby and training and things - created a womens rugby club in his area - had a great time doing it - bolstered his social life no end directly and indirectly through the club - and ended up with one of the players too.

You say you love science for example. Do you know what I would attend in a heart beat? Someone who started up a once or twice a night club where they demonstrate some science for children which the attendees - parents - could go home and do with their kids. Someone who went to the trouble of thinking up experiments and demonstrations and presented them - so that those of us without time to do it - or the inventiveness to do so - could learn exciting and interesting things to bring back to our kids.

And that just popped into my head in a second without thought. If I actually sat down and applied some effort to it - I am sure I could come up with 100s of ideas of that sort. You just need one. You will find there either already is groups out there you did not expect - or a niche to create one. Get involved in some of the science conferences and the like too. Hell even astronomers have a club - and I doubt they have a rep for being social beasts

Field east

<MODSNIP>

ancapailldorcha

Field east, please refrain from backseat moderating.

RainyDay

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

but most of my hobbies interests are ones you do alone - gaming ( think plat former rather than those team ones ), electronics, computers, science.

Deleted User wrote: »

You say you love science for example. Do you know what I would attend in a heart beat? Someone who started up a once or twice a night club where they demonstrate some science for children which the attendees - parents - could go home and do with their kids. Someone who went to the trouble of thinking up experiments and demonstrations and presented them - so that those of us without time to do it - or the inventiveness to do so - could learn exciting and interesting things to bring back to our kids.

Good suggestion there. I'm sure there are many charities that could benefit from your skills. ALONE are always looking for people to do odd-jobs for older folks. Try volunteering and you'll never know who you will meet.

Field east

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Field east, please refrain from backseat moderating.

Point taken. Thanks for guidance. My post was for genuine reasons.

strobe

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Re the other poster, yes if I could find a girl of my age to give opinions on a dating profile I would pay her! come to think of it that could be a business idea!

There's a private forum here, Private Online Dating Forum or something along those lines, where there are people that will do just that (such is my understanding). One of the mods or someone from the forum will hopefully be along shortly after reading this post to tell you who to PM for access to it.

Don't limit it to just female opinions though. Best to get guys opinions too. Handy to have the opinions of guys that have 'got it to work' alongside girls 'who think it would work on them', for lack of better phrasing. (The two things don't always match...)

poster2525

The problem is you need new circles of friends. Over the next 6 months join 3-6 new things, and find people you like to be around. Drop anything that isn't working for you. Go out with the people you meet and you'll be introduced to more new people. Take up an activity that's mixed e.g. couch to 5k. You need to be in a situation where you have 2 or 3 different things going on each week.

actua11

poster2525 wrote: »

The problem is you need new circles of friends. Over the next 6 months join 3-6 new things, and find people you like to be around. Drop anything that isn't working for you. Go out with the people you meet and you'll be introduced to more new people. Take up an activity that's mixed e.g. couch to 5k. You need to be in a situation where you have 2 or 3 different things going on each week.

I have been in a little bit of a 'rut', for want of a better word, like the op before, and basically the advice mentioned above is what I took onboard and helped me out a lot.

Got working on the couch to 5k, and the better fitness and sense of achievement, almost unknowling gave a confidence boost over time. Also, if the mma fitness type thing isn't your thing, I'd reccommend joining an evening course, or doing a diploma in something that you're interested in. No major, physical effort, guarenteed to be with like minded people to talk, who you can then go out and soicalise with. You might meet someone on these nights out or might even hit it off with a girl on the course, you never know!

Though I agree that the 'just put yourself out there' method probably is the best approach, I possibly like yourself couldn't really bring myself to do that. So, having these short term, achieveable goals all come together in a sort of snowball effect to get you out there and give you a little momentum beneth you. Again though it may be best to go straight at it jumping into the regular interactions with women, what worked for me was just starting by turning around my negativity by taking the small personal victories of 1 week of couch to 5k, or of mixing with people on the first night of my evening course. This helped to change my mindset and put me on the right direction to sorting this out.

Oh and on the age thing, your not bad placed age wise at all, and any weekend night out in town should show you manys the women in your age bracket just out enjoying themselves, no different to our group in our 20s so your not missing out on anything.

Best of luck op

grumpynerd

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

Hi,
Kinda awkward so i will go unreg.

Am 35 yo male, never kissed a girl let alone sex or anything - not gay either. Was shy at school, lived at home during college years and not huge into drinking - basically a perfect storm for not mixing and meeting people, so stuck my head down and got along with college.

Then the years just past, any friends I have are gone off to different places - basically just alone now. Seems like I missed out on that period where meeting girls and learning the do's and do nots parts. Sex wise, just use porn whenever I "need" to, but honestly thats only once or twice a week, chat up girls on website for phone sex type stuff - more from utter boredom than anything else.

Tried online dating, met two girls in 2 years neither replied to any texts - so im guessing im not that great looking. Have asked out three girls in a coffee shop type situation - awful experience but had to be done or else the "crush" would have driven me insane.

Guess just wanted to chat about this with other guys in private, not really something I could ever chat about with a friend. Sorry for a rambling post but just felt let getting this off my chest and maybe hopefully get some useful advice.

Selectively read stuff from roissy and roosh and a few others.

If youre psychologically oriented to it, there are female escorts who can 'train' you up or give you a library of romantic and sexual experiences to give you a platform in the dating world.

It may also be worth javing some sessions with a professional sex therapist or a conventional psychologist or counsellor or relationship expert.

But above all dont overly worry. Its great to be romantically and sexually active but friends family and hobbies are just as good and usually are nourishing in all the right ways.

krazyklown

Does the op know what he wants? Looking at the title of the thread, it suggests you want some physical action, but the content is geared more towards companionship?

I can sympathise to an extent with the op - i didnt lose my virginity until i was in my mid twenties, and up to then did not have any type of a relationship whatsoever. I went through all of college too shy to chat girls up - just wasnt something i was not good at and i know i lacked confidence in myself. One thing i found that helped though was a drama course; it was great craic, we had to do loads of improv and i just started finding those awkward moments around girls a little bit more manageable, kind of treated them like a stage situation. Ironically enough within a couple of months of doing the course (it was an evening adult course in an IT) i ended up in two relationships, the second of which culminated in getting married last year.

I think at the end of the day, you just gotta push yourself. Take a look at yourself in the mirror - do you make an effort to look well (not the same as being good looking - do you dress smartly / do you wash regularly etc). Do you make an effort with people in general - chit chat etc - or do you withdraw and avoid interacting with people you might meet on a day to day basis? How do you carry yourself in public? If you are 6ft then you should stride confidently, tall and engaging. Do you smile and present yourself as an affable, approachable person, interested and interesting. I always remember one girl in college, she could have the pick of any lad, but she would talk to you as if your were the only person in the room. I always thought that is a great quality in a person. A boss i had was the same - gave every person he met his full attention and time.

Ultimately, no matter what suggestions are made in this thread, you can probably find a reason not to do any of them and thats fine, but remember if you keep doing what you are currently doing, then you will probably get the same results you have always got. Best of luck with it!

Jim79

kindaawkwardsounreg wrote: »

honestly fear is what holds me back.

you need help from an expert. You have at least anxiety and may be some other psychiatric condition that can be helped. you need to talk to your gp about your fears and anxiety.

all of these suggestions that you are being given are well meaning but misguided to say the least. even all it took was u going to tag rugby or other club, u wud have done it years ago.

poster2525

Jim79 wrote: »

you need help from an expert. You have at least anxiety and may be some other psychiatric condition that can be helped. you need to talk to your gp about your fears and anxiety.

all of these suggestions that you are being given are well meaning but misguided to say the least. even all it took was u going to tag rugby or other club, u wud have done it years ago.

It's not misguided! People want to be around people who have friends and interests and stuff going on. Lots of stuff! If you just join one thing you tend to latch on to one or two people and you're over dependent upon them. There may be anxiety, but that'll dissipate if you get out of the house and do more stuff! You'll be too busy for anxiety! Good luck OP!

colosus1908

Dear Op, nobody likes a no or even extremely low self esteem individual. It is just not attractive at all.
And from the look of things I am guessing you are on the tail end of esteem.
Low SE is signaled to most woman through your body language. I advise you start working on your walking manners for a start.
Am sure you will see some improvement after working on you Both language.

grumpynerd

Such a range of unhelpful advice. Be better at being like others! Be someone else! Typical herd Irish bull****.

guitarzero

grumpynerd wrote: »

Such a range of unhelpful advice. Be better at being like others! Be someone else! Typical herd Irish bull****.

Totally second this. The whole "just get out there and put a big grin on your face" doesnt really cut it. You're 35 and probably know yourself pretty well by now. You dont sound to me like you're a social butterfly thats in his element around ppl and for an introvert bloke it can be a drag being around ppl.
I recommend pursuing whatever it is you enjoy, or at least somewhat enjoy, 100%. Take gaming. Get good at it, make it social, get connected with ppl in this area. There really is no point doing something you dislike and meeting ppl you have no interest in. When u pursue your interests fully, you will naturally meet new ppl in this area. You will relate to these ppl, feel natural around these ppl and maybe even find a woman in this area who u could hit it off with. You really have to make a decision on this one and pursue it.

Secondly, if u arent that attractive then work out. Muscular lads get laid. Sore truth. Truth none the less.

DoYouEvenLift

Get your testosterone levels cheeked, it could be possible they're low and a contributing factor to your lack of overall effort. People underestimate just how important testosterone levels are in men, having low levels can cause multiple negative side effects including depression and complete loss of motivation.


Other than that I'll list off some things that can really help improve your appearance because no matter what any delusional moron says on the internet, appearance is very important to people. You don't have to look like Brad Pitt, but making the effort to look clean and put together so you look your best can really benefit your confidence.


Start lifting - you don't have to aim to look like prime Schwarzenegger, just get your body fat in line and gain some muscle so you fill out clothes better.

Fix your posture - almost everyone can do with improving their posture. Identify any issues you may have with yours and work consistently towards fixing them. Posture is very important as we all interpret others body language.

Keep your skin clean and clear and any facial hair groomed - no need to do daily facials or go over the top here but just keep on top of having your skin kept well. I don't know if you have any facial hair but it could benefit you so experiment here, just be sure to keep it clean and tidy.

Wardrobe - apologies for assuming but I'm gonna take a guess and say you don't dress as well as you could. Fix this by buying new, well fitting clothes.

Teeth - clean and whiten them. Smile's are important!

Hair - find the most suitable hair style for yourself and regularly get it cut. One always feels good after a nice haircut.


Other than that just keep hygienic and buy some decent colognes. Keep in mind these are only general steps to help your overall physical appearance and are only a small part of the bigger picture which is more about your mentality, but they're still an important part of positively improving yourself and becoming more attractive to women.


I'll give a few general points for the mental side of things:

Get hobbies - don't need to explain this.

Improve financial life as much as possible - more financial security = more freedom to pursue hobbies and desired lifestyle.

Make contacts - grow a new social circle. If you grow apart with one friend, replace them with another. Get out of your comfort zone and meet people completely different than you and see where it takes you.

Get over any fear or anxiety or rejection - most approaches are done by men, it'll be no different for you. The more women you approach the better your chances are. It is literally a numbers game.

Learn to be outgoing - you should be able to even go out on your own and still have a good time with strangers. There are some cool people to meet everywhere you go, introduce yourself.

Travel - very good way to come out of your shell. In a foreign city in a foreign country you're never going to meet anyone ever again so who gives a fuk if you embarrass yourself?

Say yes to everything...or at least almost everything!

Field east

Jim79 wrote: »

you need help from an expert. You have at least anxiety and may be some other psychiatric condition that can be helped. you need to talk to your gp about your fears and anxiety.

all of these suggestions that you are being given are well meaning but misguided to say the least. even all it took was u going to tag rugby or other club, u wud have done it years ago.

Some posters have strongly indicated that the above is not very helpful. IMO it gives the best advice to date in two short sentences.
We are all trying to be helpful. But any medical/health/ lifestyle coach professional worth her/his salt will want to meet the client in person to get full background, etc. And here we all are giving advice to someone we know nothing relevant about.
So the advice re getting professional advice is spot on , be it the GP, life coach professional or whoever

mcbobbyb

If you think you could lose a few pounds join a slimming world. There'd be loads of women there. All ages. Even just to start socialising with different people.