Can't allow myself to be happy

krustydoyle

I'm not sure what way to word this or even explain it but I'll do my best.

I'm a 31 male and I've only had a few serious girlfriends. Whenever we get into a cosy situation I tend to panic and call it off. Whether i feel it's getting too serious or whatever I just pull the plug.. I end up hating myself for this and it really gets me down..
I don't have the best of relationships with the majority of females in my family and I'm wondering could this be a reason behind my annoyance at not allowing myself to be happy.. I've genuinely let go of some amazing girls and I feel now at 31, that I'm never gonna be truly happy in my life.

I'll take on board all advice and suggestions

Thanks

shaymus27

You should try figure out why you have ended your relationships. You may need the help of a psychologist if you can't figure it our and feel you are doomed to repeat your pattern.

It could be that although they were amazing women, you knew in your heart they weren't what you are looking for.

Try figure out what you are looking for - what type of woman would cause you to want to be with her.

Some sisters are toxic and may be having a sub-conscious effect on your perception of relationships with women. I am no psychologist but I think people can be affected by relatives without realising it.

Is there any friend who is intelligent and honest enough to ask why they think you do this?

I used to have an idea of the type of woman I would like to be with. I have changed my view on this over time and maybe you haven't caught up mentally to what you might now be looking for in a woman - maybe you have changed your view but keep going for what you used to look for in a woman. I am older so this may not apply to you. A great sense of humour and ability to exchange banter is higher up in what I look for in a woman than it used to be.

If you have managed to have a few serious relationships there's no reason why this should dry up now - you are still you.

orthsquel

krustydoyle wrote: »

Whenever we get into a cosy situation I tend to panic and call it off. Whether i feel it's getting too serious or whatever I just pull the plug..

I'd see that as someone who struggles to get close to people because they don't want to get hurt.....to protect themselves from getting hurt. Like in the sense that once you know it's going somewhere you know you'd have to let someone into those hidden depths of yourself and that is something you'd rather not do. I'd also see it that either you want to punish yourself or feel unworthy / undeserving of the relationship or that person in a relationship with.

I don't know if your relationship with females in your family is connected to it, but I think asking yourself why you panic when a relationship is cosy or serious and end it. and maybe that is something you could work through with a counsellor to try and understand it.

krustydoyle

Thanks for the replies.

I have an overall distant relationship with my sisters and mother.
We're not really close at all.
I lost 2 women (Granny and Girl i was very close with) around the end of my teens and i haven't properly grieved for either.
I know that has shaped the man i have become now.

When i begin a relationship it feels great like it should do but when it starts to get serious i become a recluse and distant from my partner which leads to it ending. The only way i can describe how i feel at that time is panicked and feel as if everything is coming in around me. I hate feeling that way so i end the relationship.

I don't know why this happens me but its becoming a massive burden on my everyday life.
I genuinely don't know what to do about it

Rubberchikken

I agree that talking to a professional might help to see why this is happening and more importantly help you move past so you can get tge relationship you want

orthsquel

If you were close to both your Granny and a Girl who both passed away and have never grieved the death of either, then perhaps it is time you allow yourself to do so.

It's possible that the issue stems from their deaths particularly if you feel - or felt at the time - guilt or shame/regret or even blame that you attributed to yourself and directed at yourself even if there wasn't a specific reason for feeling guilty, shameful, regretful or to blame.

It is also possible that because you just have never grieved their deaths and never resolved the internal emotional conflict that it has prevented you from having a relationship with your mother and sister for fear of something happening to them too, and as a result prevents you from forming relationships with other women in that you never allow yourself to get close to a woman in the same way you did perhaps your Granny and the girl to both protect yourself from getting hurt from something happening or because you feel like you're betraying feelings of whatever depth, platonic and non platonic of what you felt towards those two people who died, or betraying them and their memory in moving on.

krustydoyle

I think its stop fooling myself and see someone about this.
Talking it out with a professional is the best option for me so
i need to sort that out. I was talking with my best friend this evening and she advised the same and agreed with the OP's.


Thanks again for your comments.

I genuinely appreciate them