Where to from here?

LegacyUser

Hi folks.

Sorry for the long winded post but I've been wanting to get some stuff off my chest for a while. I'm not even sure what good it will do but here goes.

For the last year or so I've been having this feeling of emptiness, or lack of fulfillment.
I'm in my early 30's and came out of a LTR (incl. it being a LDR) after 10 years. It took me a long time to finally get over it, well over a year and a half before I felt I could see myself with someone else again someday and not be thinking of someone else.

The problem is I just can't seem to meet anybody, but the thing is this was always the case forever.
Nobody has ever really approached me in my life, or flirted when I'm out (or if they have I was completely oblivious to it). Now I'm guilty of this too but when I was in a relationship this was fine as that's the last thing I wanted to be happening but I just feel the boat has sailed on the whole meeting someone at this stage.

I don't live in Dublin, I'm on the opposite side of the country so it feels like there's not many people to meet, or even places to go to make this happen. I keep active during the week. When work finishes I go out for walks, I go swimming two or three times a week, head to the cinema, go to restaurants and eat out. But I end up doing all these things by myself. I know most of the activities I've listed aren't really things I'm probably going to meet people doing either but I'm not really sure what else to try. There's no real meetup groups going on in the area. I'm also not much of a drinker so bars/clubs just aren't my thing if I'm being honest. I'm perfectly fine in them with a group of friends or colleagues but it's just not something I'd do by myself. I have no problem going to a bar/restaurant by myself for a bite to eat but the drinking until drunk thing doesn't do it for me. I've given the whole online dating thing a go but it just doesn't seem to be working for me. I still have it going but things just go silent after 2 or 3 messages mostly. It becomes disheartening.

One of my dilemma's is that I want to buy a house of my own. Currently I rent during the week in a house share and travel back home most weekends which isn't far away. The only reason I really want to purchase a house is to have some more independence because I get on fine in my house share right now too, but I'm afraid I'll end up isolating myself more. I also have a great job I love and have been doing for a long time. I have a good time at work, get on well with everyone and have a lot of laughs throughout the day. I'm very stable financially, and physically I would say I keep myself fit. I eat healthy and exercise either by swimming, walking or through sport. I've never really thought much of my looks but I would say I'm average and no ugly duckling.

I just get this feeling I would have more of a chance if I was in Dublin for example. But to do so I would have to forget about the house purchase, give up a job I love and move to a city I neither love (nor dislike) or have many friends in. Buying a house in Dublin I would like probably isn't a realistic option on a single salary and personally the price of property and rent in the city is a bit of a turn off.

Should I just keep going the way I am, get my own place, continue to do what I've been doing in the hope of finally meeting someone.
Or should I give it all up and move to a bigger city in the hope of some possibility of meeting someone?

orthsquel

I think it would be very hasty of you to just chuck in your job and everything and move somewhere else. But....

From reading your post I got the sense of someone who is very comfortable, happy and quite settled. You have your routines, you do your thing, you have your house share, you go home at weekends...... and maybe those routines need to be shaken up a bit? Maybe you need to provide a little extra space in your life for trying new things and going new places, even for a weekend or something to get a sense of what it could be like to pack up and move. It could even be just going to a different gym/pool in a different location for a trial somewhere else. It's not that I think your routine or life is stale in any way, but it would give you the opportunity to meet and interact with new people, like as would maybe instead of going home at weekends, you take 1 weekend to go explore another place in another part of the country and see who you meet along the way.

One thing you didn't mention is meeting anyone through family, friends and colleagues.... maybe they know someone who you might like, or could set you up with someone?

LegacyUser

Hi orthsquel.

Thanks for replying. Swimming is something I decided to pick up again this year just to break the routine of things a bit so I've only been at that particular gym for a few months now.

As for getting away, I'm in the UK this week and in Italy next week so this is something I am trying to do as well to just break things up.

As for meeting people through those I know, it's never really happened. One thing I didn't mention is I wouldn't have a huge amount of friends or at least ones I would consider close to me. Some of them are in different parts of the country, and others in different parts of the world now too. Once work finishes at the end of the day I'm usually just by myself.

One of the main reasons I find myself going home at the weekends is just to meet others I know and someone to talk to if even only for a few minutes.

Maybe it's just a bump in the road for me and I'm dwelling on it too much. I like where I work and the area I am in as it's not far from the beach, with amazing scenery and views in the vicinity. I'd like to stay where I am but I can't shake off the doubt that things may not improve for me and it's just the way things will be as they have for the last 10 years.

I can't figure out what else I need to change about myself to give myself a chance.

liquoriceall

wheretofromhere wrote: »

Hi orthsquel.

Thanks for replying. Swimming is something I decided to pick up again this year just to break the routine of things a bit so I've only been at that particular gym for a few months now.

As for getting away, I'm in the UK this week and in Italy next week so this is something I am trying to do as well to just break things up.

As for meeting people through those I know, it's never really happened. One thing I didn't mention is I wouldn't have a huge amount of friends or at least ones I would consider close to me. Some of them are in different parts of the country, and others in different parts of the world now too. Once work finishes at the end of the day I'm usually just by myself.

One of the main reasons I find myself going home at the weekends is just to meet others I know and someone to talk to if even only for a few minutes.

Maybe it's just a bump in the road for me and I'm dwelling on it too much. I like where I work and the area I am in as it's not far from the beach, with amazing scenery and views in the vicinity. I'd like to stay where I am but I can't shake off the doubt that things may not improve for me and it's just the way things will be as they have for the last 10 years.

I can't figure out what else I need to change about myself to give myself a chance.

Hi Im wondering with the online dating thing. You say the messages kind of trail off after 2 or 3? Are you being engaging? Flirty? Fun? I say this as someone who struggles to be those things I think because Im worried about appearing silly? My life is rather similiar to yours except I have my own place and rarely travel home, I do group exercise classes a couple of nights a week which I enjoy as you get to know people a little through them and I enjoy that. Good luck

pookie82

One thing I would say to you first and foremost - do NOT give up your job. Having a job you enjoy and colleagues you get on well with is a massive bonus in life. After all, we spend the majority of our Monday to Fridays in the office; if that's in something you hate, it's going to make life pretty unbearable, no matter what features outside of it.

You're financially well off and in a position to buy your own place where you are. I wouldn't dream of chucking that in to move to Dublin. I'm here at the moment and rents are sky rocketing beyond all reason again, making it near impossible to live here and save. Forget about buying on one salary unless you go well outside the city and factor in a long commute for the rest of your life.

The only thing missing seems to be meeting someone. All other aspects of your life are going well and might I add, you're incredibly lucky to be in that position.

I would stick with the online dating. Maybe you'll do it for a year or more with little success, maybe you'll meet someone next week. You never know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I definitely would not give up your job and current financial security to move to a city in the hopes of meeting someone. If it doesn't work, you'll be in a far worse position than you are now.

Unfortunately meeting someone and settling down is the one thing 99% of us desperately want, but really can't control. You sound to be doing everything right, to be honest. I can't really give you any guidance on what to do to make that happen, but I can advise you not to give up what you have for it!

Rubberchikken

i don't think moving is the answer. dublin, aside from being expensive, is not going to suddenly throw lots of possible partners at your fee. that's only going to happen by putting yourself in a position to meet people open to a relationship.

it's great to have so many activities/interests, but as you say they are things that you're doing alone.
is there a running group in your area or (don't laugh), macra na feirme, toastmasters, photography club, list is endless.

they can be great for meeting people, making friends etc. good luck

LegacyUser

OP here,

liquoriceall wrote: »

Hi Im wondering with the online dating thing. You say the messages kind of trail off after 2 or 3? Are you being engaging? Flirty? Fun? I say this as someone who struggles to be those things I think because Im worried about appearing silly?

I am probably lacking in the flirting bit for the same reasons. Generally I try to establish what the person does for a living and try to figure out some of their likes/passions. This is usually the stage things go silent.

Rubberchikken wrote: »

is there a running group in your area or (don't laugh), macra na feirme, toastmasters, photography club, list is endless.

The photography club is a great idea as it's another hobby of mine so I'll have to look into that one. I would be interested in running too.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'll keep doing what I do for now, try to fit in some more socialising and see where it leads.

Est28

I think you'll get a lot of the usual "join a club" advice here OP but something that can be said here....

You're not unique here. This is why people in relationships can irritate those who are not. Some people act very smug like they have the world at their feet because they got a relationship... others didn't land in that situation in the same time and now unfortunately for you, that comfort zone is gone. It's sad for you but really the best advice is to realize you are not unique.

I get the impression that you feel you NEED to be in a relationship or that somehow the wolrd "owes" it to you now.
Well... that's not really going to happen. You need to realize that you are your own person, then begin to make efforts to meet people. Plain and simple. In a relationship you were in a massive comfort zone. You never approached or were approached because you had no need, and didn't put out any vibe for someone else to approach you. Years went by and you thought you had it all sorted... well now is the time. All those years went by, and you need to start now, today, to do what others were doing for the past 10 years who were not in relationships.