Golf Jokes

Seve OB

New idea for a thread, maybe it will be a runner, maybe it will fall flat on its face like most of the time I try and regurgitate a gag! Anyway, I think we all like a good laugh now and again, so why not post your joke here. He who gets the most thanks, is the funniest dude on the boards golfing forum and will get a gig at the BGS captains night out OK, it might not be a stage, but we'll find an aul cardboard box or something for you to stand on and keep us entertained.

Maybe try and keep the chit chat to a minimum, if you like it just click the thanks button and then it can always be a handy reference for a good aul laugh without having to scroll through needless banter.

Seve OB

Love this one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0kdBDwNddc

razorblunt

Lady golfer got stung by a wasp between the first and second holes last Saturday on my course, shame she was playing the 5th at the time.

Telecaster58

SAD STORY ..... MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE..


A fourball of men waited at the men's tee while a fourball of women was hitting in front of them--taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.

valoren

Jim and Richard are about to tee off from the 9th during their weekly Saturday morning round.

Just as Jim is about to tee off, they notice a hearse and a group of mourners passing by alongside the hole.

Jim, takes his cap off, genuflects, prays a quiet Hail Mary, blesses himself then hits his tee shot.

As they walk up the fairway, Richard says, "Jim, that was awfully respectful of you back on the tee there. I never took you to be a pious man"

Jim replies, "It was the least I could do, I was married to her for 32 years"

Dozer Dave

Three friends always wanted to play golf on a Saturday afternoon, but it was made almost impossible by the demands of their wives.
One day, after many failed attempts, they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when the first friend said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second followed, "That's nothing, I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything at all!!!"
The others just looked at him in amazement, and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

Golfgorfield

Monty.

Keano

Golfgorfield wrote: »

Monty.

He's not but please don't derail the thread. Thanks

charlieIRL

.......and keep them clean

valoren

*From They Think it's all over*

"Nick Faldo visited EuroDisney outside Paris this week after taking a break from the Tour. Seve Ballesteros was also there....after a massive hook at Wentworth"

emeldc

A Nun's day on the Golf Course
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted, and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green, and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

newport2

A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."

newport2

A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, "Did you have a good time out there?"

The man replied "Fabulous, thank you."

"You're welcome," said the pro. "How did you find the greens?"

Said the man: "Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!"

newport2

A married couple played golf together every day.

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball."

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."

rrpc

A pro is having a quiet day in the shop and decides to close up and take an early coffee break. He walks into the bar and there's just one customer there wearing spectacles, with a drink in front of him which he seems to be having trouble picking up. Each time, he reaches left, then right and eventually gets the glass in his hand and takes a sup.

The pro grins to himself thinking he's got an easy mark here; walks over and introduces himself, the guy with the spectacles has some trouble shaking hands with the pro.

"So are you here for a game of golf" asks the pro.

"I am, but my partner stood me up so I'm just going to hit a few balls on the range, have lunch and head home" says the bespectacled one.

"I'm free for the day" says the pro "would you like to play a round with me? Seems a shame to go home after driving all the way here".

With that the two make their way to the first tee where the pro gives the honour to the newcomer and a friendly wager is placed. After a lot of faffing about with clubs, ball and tee, the chap eventually lines up his driver and whacks a beautiful drive straight up the middle of the fairway. The pro, gobsmacked hits a pretty wayward drive and scrambles to get on the green in three. Meanwhile our friend with the spectacles drops his second within 8 feet of the hole and birdies it effortlessly.

This continues hole after hole with the pro struggling grimly to stay within a couple of shots of his partner. At the end of the round, the amateur wins by five shots and the pro hands over the wager and; still mystified by the chap's good play, invites him for a drink and lunch.

Drinks duly arrive and again, the customer can't manage to get his hand to it without two attempts. This is too much for the pro who eventually cracks and asks the question that's been plaguing him since the start of the round.

"How come you can play golf so well when you can hardly find the pint glass that's right in front of you?" he asks.

"Oh that" says the man, "It's the bifocals you see"

"What do you mean" asks the pro, "Surely they're a disadvantage"

"Well in some ways it is, but on the tee, I look down in a certain way and I see a big driver and a little driver, a big ball and a little ball and when I look up, I see a big fairway and a little fairway. It's quite simple after that, I just hit the little ball with the big driver on to the big fairway". He takes another sup of his drink and continues. "On the green it's the same. I have a big putter and a little putter, a big ball and a little ball and there's a big hole and a little hole, so I hit the little ball with the big putter into the big hole".

"That's amazing" says the pro, I've never heard of anything like that before. You really should turn pro if you can play that well all the time"

"Oh it has it's drawbacks, it causes me a lot of problems in other ways. Excuse me for a minute, I need to go to the loo".

With that he heads off to the gents leaving the pro shaking his head in disbelief. A few minutes later he come out of the gents with the front of his trousers wringing wet.

The pro stares in astonishment "What on earth happened in there?" he asks.

"Oh says the man, that's one of the problems I was telling you about. I go into the loo, take it out and when I look down there's a big one and a little one and I always think the little one isn't mine and put it back..."

davo10

4 men are standing on the first tee limbering up with a few practice swings, they look up to see 4 women walking up on to the first tee, one puts her ball on the tee and lines up to hit. One of the men on becoming irate tees up his ball, pulls the trigger and hits the lady smack on the back of the head. She falls forward face down on the tee box and one of the other men says "john I think that was your wife, the women are shouting that she is dead". Sure enough she was, at the inquest the coroner recounts the events leading up to the woman's untimely death, he turns to the man and says " I have only one question for you, we pulled a proV golf ball from her ass, how can you explain this?" To which the man replied "Ah that must be my provisional, I wondered where that had got to"

curly from cork

A man had two tickets to the Masters.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "It's empty."

"Incredible!" said the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this

to one of the biggest sporting event of the whole year and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always

would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we

haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm so sorry.. You couldn't find someone else to join you, a friend, relative or neighbour to use the ticket?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

OffalyMedic

Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.

The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball."

FixdePitchmark

My son got his first hole in one today ,crazy golf okay.

We sort of bonded big time this holiday (that age). He learnt check mate , snorkeling in sea, a little about girls and golf.
Anyway , he had a joke ready, I was fairly impressed.

"Why do golfers wear 2 pants"
"In case, they get a hole in one"

The last of the competition players collected his scorecard and made his way out to the 1st tee. The bloke working in the pro-shop was horrified to see the group ahead were all standing at the red tee markers, waiting on a club regular to take his shot. He instantly got on the tannoy system and said "will the gentleman on the ladies' tee please make his way back to the gents' tee box"

The regular glanced back at the pro-shop, but continued his practice swings. Again, over the loudspeaker, this time more annoyed: "will the person on the ladies' tee PLEASE return to the gents' tee box". Again he's ignored. As the regular addresses the ball, the employee really starts to lose it. "Look, will the man in the blue shirt PLEASE not use ladies' tee off area!"

The regular turns, and shouts back

"Will the fcuker in the clubhouse shut up and let me take me second shot!"

rrpc

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A golfer spends a day at a top golf course, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays badly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so badly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." [/FONT]
[/FONT]

newport2

Taking the other half out golfing....

Taking the other half out golfing....

spacecoyote

not a joke but some funny moments:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PNsMXe170Q

Imhof Tank

Paddy and Mick are being held up all morning behind 2 very slow ladies. On every tee they are delayed while the ladies take multiple practice swings, change clubs etc as they prepare their second shots, on every approach shot they have to wait as each lady takes 4 putts.

There is no sign of an invitation to play through. Frustration builds. After 9 holes Paddy has had enough. He storms up the fairway to confront the ladies, leaving Mick on the tee. Mick sees Paddy get within 20 yards of the ladies when he does a sudden about face and walks back to the tee, sheepishly.

“Jaze Mick” says Paddy “I couldn’t say anything. It’s the wife - and she’s only playing with the girlfriend!”

“No bother, leave this to me” says Mick and he strides up the fairway towards the ladies before he also does a 180 turn and returns to the tee.

“No joy I’m afraid” says Mick.

“And why was that?” says Paddy

“Same problem”

Imhof Tank

Paddy plays golf every Sunday morning with his wife Mary.

One day Mary asks Paddy whether he would re-marry if she were to die unexpectedly.

Paddy replies that he couldn’t say what might happen in such circumstances, it would depend on a lot of things, one never knew, maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t, it would all depend obviously on his state of mind, whether he met the right person at the right time and so on.

Mary, deeply unimpressed, says “Oh really? And tell me this Paddy – if I did die and you did re-marry, would you give her my car?”

Paddy thinks again, then says, “well, what would you care about material objects at that stage, and if the circumstances were right, and if I did happen to meet someone new, who knows; anyway what would it matter really?”

Mary is not happy at all. “I suppose you’d give her my golf clubs as well would you?”

“Ah no, no” says Paddy “I couldn’t do that. No way”

“And why not?” says Mary

“Sure she’s left handed”

Johnny_Fontane

These always crack me up.....can never remember them when I need them!

http://www.golftoday.co.uk/19th/humour/shot_names.html

The Premier Man

Jimmy and his wife mary are out golfing on their 10th wedding anniversary. On the 1st tee mary asks jimmy "if he would love her no matter what?"
Jimmy says "he would"
Mary then tells him she has some "serious news for him"
Jimmy tells her to hurry on as the next group was approaching the tee.
Mary tearfully reveals she had a sex change years before they met!!
In disgust jimmy fires his clubs on the ground and throws a kick at them.
Mary doesn't know what to do and tells jimmy she can understand why he's upset!!
"Upset,upset,of course I'm upset" says jimmy
"For gods sake aren't you playing off the Ladies tees for the last 10 years"