I know WHY I can't get a girlfriend. But I don't know what to do at all.

LegacyUser

Firstly I just want to say that I'm not asking "how do I get laid?" or "how do I bag a woman?" or whatever.

Young male (24). Dublin. First real "after college" job. Busy during the week. Bored on weekends.

Have been single the last few years. Mostly it hasn't bothered me. Just got on with college, work and projects. Sometimes I do feel quite sad. Not lonely or depressed (I think) but just a deep kind of lingering sadness that I usually stifle by putting my head back into my work. In general, I'm okay. Not one for touchy-feely stuff.

The absence of a girlfriend is starting to weigh on me a little. There's the obvious physical side of things but that's easily handled. Honestly, what I miss the most is physical contact, closeness and the warmth I've only ever experienced by really connecting with a female.

So you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit.

However, subconsciously, I feel like I've checked out of romance/dating/women. I fancy the odd woman here and there. I enjoy my conversations with them but I have no drive to pursue it.

I think my lack of drive is caused by a few issues:

I get quite anxious about how I'm perceived by women. Particularly attractive women who I may have an interest in or would at least recognize "she's cute! ".

I'm not the type of guy to immediately flirt. In fact, most of my interactions with women that I get to know are through work-related activities or friends, not bars or clubs. I often don't even introduce myself for weeks simply because our paths don't cross. I generally only become romantically interested in a woman if I've known her for weeks/months, had numerous conversations, gotten to know her etc... Only then do I begin to think about her in a more romantic or sexual way.

The problem I guess is that I'm afraid or apprehensive to make a move as I think I'll be labeled a "creep". I've often overheard conversations in the office among women who are taking about how "so and so" is a such a creep etc... etc... Often for the slightest of transgressions like offering to buy someone a drink or asking them on a date or whatever.

I'm not blaming "women" here and really don't fancy a re-run of that old chestnut. It's a minority anyway. However, given that most of my interactions with women my age are in work or would be close friends of friends, I don't fancy playing Russian Roulette with my reputation.

I have confidence in myself. I can give a presentation in front of 500 people, no bother. Ask me to go for a girl and my confidence evaporates. I could be having a normal conversation with a girl; but if it turns slightly romantic or flirty I hit a brick wall and fail miserably.

Then there's the fear of rejection. The "she wouldn't be interested anyways" doubts. And ultimately I miss my shot (if I ever even had one) and am back to square one.

I work unnecessary overtime on the weekends just to make them go in a bit faster. I distract myself with Netflix and books. I've slowly started to realize that post-college life is what you make of it; new friends or romantic opportunities don't arrive ever new semester on a silver platter.

The funny thing is that I know I'm not alone as I've seen similar posts here and elsewhere on the internet. Male college graduates, okay social skills, decent looking, good fitness, okay job but just fcuking **** with women. But often when I look around at friends and colleagues jumping into exciting, happy new relationships I feel like I've got some invisible handicap that I'm cursed with for life and might as well just give up.


I really don't want to be where I am in a year's time. So I'd really appreciate advise or guidance from people who may have turned their own lives around in this department.

For now my only 'plan' is to just stop 'trying'. Instead I'm just going to work on me. I want to move into my own apartment by myself and maybe see about doing a masters. Hopefully along the way I'll really click with someone. Might not help me find a girlfriend but at least it'll keep my mind off it.

Would appreciate any input or advice.

Cheers,
Overtime123

Wibbs

Better here Overtime123

LegacyUser

As a young female graduate also 24 I have a lot in common with you except I'm just single after a 6 year relationship.

I made the mistake of basing my happiness around being in a relationship, I neglected what "I" wanted and made all if my decisions in terms of the relationship, eventually I realised that if I was single I wouldn't know who I am anymore - which sounds stupid but that's how I felt!

I think you need to make your life more well-rounded and bring more people into it before looking for a relationship. Find out how to be happy without a girlfriend and you will be naturally more attractive. You seem to be only intent on making yourself more isolated by moving into a flat on your own, asking someone. Fill up the empty space in your life and then share it with someone else!

Blue Iris

This may sound clichéd but it really is about building your inner confidence emotionally. A lot of this involves spotting your negative thoughts and inner speech and challenging them consistently. Eg. If you notice the thought 'what would someone as amazing as her see in me?'Take a slow, deep breath and say internally 'that's not objectively true, it's just a self critical thought that I'm unquestioningly believing.'

It doesn't work immediately. It's something that builds with practice and repetition. You're trying to change a whole mindset and that takes time, effort and commitment. Best of luck.

Lamp69

You sound similar to a guy I know and actually posted about recently. We got on great and text a lot and the minute there seemed to be romance there he got awkward and shy and avoided me ( he is single ). I guess just try not to overthink things and just go as normal

LegacyUser

OP I am 23 and I actually could have written your post word for word.

To be honest, I think it is normal for the majority of people in our age group. Part of the problem, I believe, is our age. We, among others, are just out of college - trying to find out feet. The majority move from job, one area to another. Only in the later 20's do people settle down in themselves and aren't so 'all over the place'.

Don't really have any advice apart from keep doing what you are doing. Stay outgoing, joining clubs etc.

Can I also just say, you obviously have a very good handle of the written word. Just something I noticed and was refreshing