Everyone is flaky!

LegacyUser

I've had a lot of issues with friends being flaky recently and it's really getting to me. I'm starting to feel like no one likes me or there's something wrong with me...but then I wonder if I'm just oversensitive. I know I'm not in college any more, and everybody has jobs and responsibilities but it still feels like no-on is putting in the effort. My friends sometimes laugh and joke that Im "always up for anything" and the truth is, of course I am! If I wasn't I'd never see my friends.
I've long since given up on doing anything for my birthday because it's in June. The year of my 21st I lived in Spain. My two best friends who didn't visit me for lack of time and money went on holidays with their boyfriends to another part of Spain on the weekend of my birthday. They then wished my happy birthday on Facebook saying "You're lucky our exam results come out today or we wouldn't have been on the internet and we'd never have remembered your birthday!" I didn't think it was funny, I know both of their birthdays? My ex of a year and half also forgot my birthday both times when we were together.
I live abroad now. I was home at Christmas and went to meet up with a friend. A friend who's always sending me texts saying how much he misses me etc. I told him I had to get the early bus to Dublin and would be there around 11 and I was coming especially to see him, he agreed to me at 3. No apologies no excuses. At Easter I only had one day I could meet him, he said he'd love to but would be too hungover to do it that day. Am I the only person who thinks that's unacceptable and that he should have decided to just take it easy if he actually wanted to see me.
I don't have many friends here. Whenever I plan stuff they are all busy with family, work and partners. When they say they'll plan stuff if just doesn't happen. I was supposed to do loads of things with my friends this week. But they all had family stuff so I said they should text me when they're back in town with a plan. They all text me when they were back in town but then said stuff like "I'm really busy with work though" I am too! I just make time for people I care about!
Someone asked me on a date on Sunday for Tuesday. Then on Monday they said they were in a show on Wed so would prefer Thursday or Fri. Much worse for me but I said fine. Wed the were in contact again but didn't mention the date. So Thurs I text to see what the plan was. "I'm really busy with work and have no money. Gonna have to postpone all fun times till mid May" No apology? Why is money necessary? What has changed so much in 4 days that you're now booked solid for a month? I sent him a snarky message back because I'm so angry but all I got back is a "What? I do want to spend time with you."

Am I over-sensitive? Because I'm really upset about all of this. I usually go 6 weeks without meeting a friend 'cause they're all so "busy" but they all still text me and in some cases even tell me they want to be my friends. My cousin goes on weekends away with her friends but I can't get mine round for tea? Like I'm not a horrible person!

R.D. aka MR.D

It's hard to tell because we can only read your interpretation of the situation.

However, my OH has problems like this. his friends are super flaky and let him down all the time. Why? Because he chooses flaky friends. If someone is constantly late/refuses invites/borrows money, I simply don't want that kind of person in my life.

Maybe it's time to raise your standards?

Minderbinder

After college this tends to happen. friends in relationships are particularly difficult to meet and you can never really know what's going on with them. after my best friend met his girlfriend he changed completely and it was next to impossible to meet up. even when we did she'd call him every ten minutes. i'm convinced she is very controlling and as he was never the most self assured person he's letting her get away with it. but that's his choice and i have no right to demand his friendship.

op i think you just have to see peoples' behaviour to know if they want to be your friend or not. it's actually quite obvious most of the time. if people cancel on you and don't reschedule then it means they don't have respect for you. you shouldn't always have to do things according to other peoples' timetables. if they're not asking when is convenient for you then that's because they don't care. i've started to notice this lack of respect amongst my irish friends too . maybe it's something to do with the laid back lifestyle in ireland. people don't like to be put out by anyone.

like you op, i live abroad so maybe that's got something to do with it. i've adapted to a new culture and now feel like there's a lack of respect for each between irish people. that's just my feeling now when i go back . families and friends seem really distant. family members don't really talk. everyone is independent. they use one another to fill free time and have fun but they don't really care. that's my impression.

sorry I've said a lot but probably haven't helped.

pookie82

Sounds like you've fallen prey to a very common modern day problem. How old are you? Normally I'd attribute what's happening to people settling down, having kids, saving for a house etc., but something tells me you're not at that stage yet?

Anyway, there's literally nothing you can do to force other people's hands. What you CAN do is try to meet NEW people and build new friendships. I think you can make "new" best friends at absolutely any stage of your life. Why people cling to the notion that because you were friends with someone in school, you now have to meet once a month to keep it going when there's little other reason, is beyond me.

Do you still have anything in common with these people other than a shared history? Are your lives moving in the same direction?

I have to admit, there are people in my own life who try to instigate meet ups and catch ups all the time and with the best of intentions, but put bluntly, I'm just not that interested, because they're all for the sake of "ticking a box". When I meet them we've drifted, have little to talk about, and just swop updates and move on. I've had to make a conscious decision of late to stop pandering to this need to maintain friendships that have just turned into acquaintances and add nothing to my life.

That sounds harsh but it's true. It sounds like your friends have their own busy lives, and because you're abroad, you probably don't easily fit into them. It's not fair to expect that when you're home for a weekend, everyone should drop all to make time for you. Those who genuinely care, will; those who don't, won't.

My advice would be to stop focusing on who WON'T meet you and start focusing on who will. And if there's no one in your current life who's willing to make that time, why are you still clinging to the friendships?

If people continuously fail to meet you, you have to read the message behind that. They're "just not that into you" (friendship wise). It's not necessarily anything you've done, that's just life.

DoYouEvenLift

Welcome to the age of the internet where young(ish) people will skip out on social occasions and worthwhile activities to waste time online or doing other things. That and at any given time one can have multiple options of things to do and places to go so people can change their minds at the last minute. Obviously not everyone's like this though, otherwise you wouldn't be making this thread and having others feel the same, so you just have to look at your 'friends' and your relationship with them objectively and decide whether or not you can do with cutting them out of your life.


Sounds to me like you could since they want to be unreliable and sh!tty friends and you want to be proactive and get out there so, if you agree, your options are to stay friends with them for the meantime but put in a lot less effort with them and put that effort towards finding more suitable friends and once you do just stop making an effort with the original friends altogether and let the friendship just fade out (which is better than vocally cutting them off which leads to negative feelings) or you could just stop making an effort with them entirely from the outset and go 'lone wolf' until you find more suitable friends.

LegacyUser

But if I focus on who does want to meet me I'll have narrowed it done to my two best friends from primary school, both of whom live ages away.

And if these people don't like me then why do they make so much contact? Like the guy who really got me so upset over this made contact after a 3 month silence. Why bother if you're then just going to go "Oooh sorry, I'm busy." Or my ex (who I've since cut contact with) who I didn't want to stay friends with but he kept saying how good it would be and then treated me like crap. My friend arranged for us to go for a meal a few weeks back - her idea, she picked the restaurant, she booked etc. Then on the day said she didn't actually have the money and might be able to do it next month.

I feel like being busy with life isn't really a good enough excuse. I'm very very busy but I'm still willing to make time for people. Or even if it was then why not just stop bothering me? Why would you text me or say "oh maybe we can do something next week?" If it's just lies.
I'm 24 so while partners are an issue, kids are not.

It's so hard to make friends - part of me feel like I should just give up on other people. I'd be the same amount of lonely but at least I wouldn't get hurt. (Melodramatic, I know)

Oryx

You know what, reading that, all I see is you putting yourself out to adapt to everyone else's plans. Stop doing that. Stop being the one who makes time and is ok with dropped plans. If friends shaft you, well you're obviously not important to them. Its not about what they say, its about what they do. If they do that, why do you go back for more?

Put yourself first. It may mean a few changes in your life, where you need to build your social life a bit from scratch again, but all of the flakiness you describe sounds like people who dont value your time, and are used to getting away with being rude to you. You cant change them but you can change you. You dont need to be rude, just stop asking, stop making plans with them, and do your own thing. They are doing that already, I'm sorry to say. Not everyone is like that, its just the pattern you are in with these people. You dont need to shut them out, just do what suits you, if they ask to meet up.

And also, dont be so passive. Dont expect a boy/friend to remember a birthday, remind them. I hate missing friends birthdays, but I am hopeless at remembering dates! I appreciate a reminder!

pookie82

lonlie wrote: »

But if I focus on who does want to meet me I'll have narrowed it done to my two best friends from primary school, both of whom live ages away.

And if these people don't like me then why do they make so much contact? Like the guy who really got me so upset over this made contact after a 3 month silence. Why bother if you're then just going to go "Oooh sorry, I'm busy." Or my ex (who I've since cut contact with) who I didn't want to stay friends with but he kept saying how good it would be and then treated me like crap. My friend arranged for us to go for a meal a few weeks back - her idea, she picked the restaurant, she booked etc. Then on the day said she didn't actually have the money and might be able to do it next month.

I feel like being busy with life isn't really a good enough excuse. I'm very very busy but I'm still willing to make time for people. Or even if it was then why not just stop bothering me? Why would you text me or say "oh maybe we can do something next week?" If it's just lies.
I'm 24 so while partners are an issue, kids are not.

It's so hard to make friends - part of me feel like I should just give up on other people. I'd be the same amount of lonely but at least I wouldn't get hurt. (Melodramatic, I know)

None of us can answer this for you. Why does anyone text to meet and then doesn't? How would we know?

What we DO know, and advise, is that you stop pandering to them, and start taking their ACTIONS over their words. After one or more cancellations in the near future from a person, mentally check that person "off" your list. Next time they ask to meet up, just say "I'd love to, but last time you let me down last minute, so I don't want to block book an evening that might be cancelled" and leave it at that.

I wouldn't put an ex in the same category as a mate - generally suggestions of friendships and catch ups from an ex are far more complicated than they are with a friend. They can have hidden agendas, or an idealised view of how great it would be to stay just as close as you used to be, but without the sex. Which in reality is rarely a possibility.

Merkin

I think you should expand your social circle. You seem reliant on the reliability of a handful of people whereas if you have a large social circle and lots of interests you are never at a loss for things to do. Join some classes or clubs and get out there and meet new people.

LegacyUser

Op here again.

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad to hear I'm not (from what you're able to gather) just imagining this. It his still quite upsetting though. I mean I know I'm not perfect by any stretch but it sucks to think about so many people who just aren't bothered with me. I am trying to expand my social circle but it's hard and I'm tired of doing things alone.

I wouldn't say I have a small number of friends, in fact I think the problem might be that I have too many so I'm not close to any, but I don't know.

LynnGrace

I had a friend who used to do that kind of thing, arrange stuff to suit herself, and think nothing of cancelling, at the last minute. I don't bother with her anymore, bar the occasional text.
Honestly, OP if someone lets you down once too often, I'd quietly wave them goodbye, without making any drama, and next time, if there is a next time, let them be the ones making the effort.
Keep yourself involved and busy with your own interests, where you will meet and interact with potential new friends, and meet up with the ones that are close friends, when you can, even if they are a distance away.

Degringola

"I'd love to, but last time you let me down last minute, so I don't want to block book an evening that might be cancelled" and leave it at.

The above quote is exactly what I'm going to tell my daughter (26) (whose friends are mostly single) to say in future. She gets very upset over being let down at the last minute, or at times, the friends will meet up as planned, but instead of spending the evening, she is being 'fit in' and they are off somewhere else an hour later.

In her case, it's her English friends (she grew up in England) that let her down the most, while her Irish friends (went to college in Dublin) are much more reliable.

OP, pull back and let your friends do the running. And use the above quote if they still let you down. Hopefully they'll get the message!

Rubberchikken

i also think you're too willing to put yourself out for others. don't be so available. it's great that you are up for going out, doing things. but if plans are kinda made, and then broke at the last moment and you're left out and upset, you have to ask yourself if it's really worth it.

personally i don't think so but you'll have to reach that decision yourself in your own time.

HotGuy1986

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i also think you're too willing to put yourself out for others. don't be so available. it's great that you are up for going out, doing things. but if plans are kinda made, and then broke at the last moment and you're left out and upset, you have to ask yourself if it's really worth it.

personally i don't think so but you'll have to reach that decision yourself in your own time.

I agree with this. But you are probably like me OP and you don't want to let anyone down so you make yourself available for them only to get hurt! Its a real pain I know exactly how you feel!

LegacyUser

To he'll with the flamers, you can try for a while, and i think it is great that you do tr. But stop when you feel, "you know what I ain't getting anything back from this person ". I have had loads of school,college,work people that I get on well with to a degree, but I'd say I could count on half a hand the amount of "true" friends, and to be honest that's all one needs

orthsquel

It sounds like an awful lot of people you have as friends have been letting you down all around the same time. No wonder you're upset!

I would say there's a couple of things at play here. You sound like a lovely person, but you are too obliging to fitting yourself around other people's plans. A couple of instances relate to you being abroad and friends back here or elsewhere, I would see it that "out of sight, out of mind" is what has gotten you forgotten about. If they have made plans already with you, but you're not exactly within the immediate vicinity, then those plans get kind of forgotten about simply because plans with those around in the immediate vicinity are generally easier to stick to, or arrange on the spur of the moment, or be more interested in. It's also easier for people to take preference on which friends and plans get undertaken, because you are flexible in changing arrangements and accept excuses or changes in plan with little protest. "She won't mind" and "She'll be grand about it" are probably two phrases that go through people's heads when they notify plans have been changed or cancelled. At heart they know you're a good person and won't hold it against them, and probably rely on your good nature.

In general I think you are more their friends than they are your friends. In other words, you are friends to them, but they are not friends to you.

What you can do is as already suggested is make a stance on plans. Be less flexible and if meeting on a Thursday or Friday is more difficult for you than meeting on a Wednesday then say so. You should ask yourself what do you want in a friendship? Evaluate if your friends meet anything of what you want, or otherwise can you see your friends changing to meet you halfway on things in accommodating you? Give it a try and see, then re-consider your friendships. Are there friendships you want to strengthen, friends you want to get closer to? Perhaps you are so much on the periphery (or they are in your life) that what really are casual acquaintances are being counted as friends but where no real depth is involved, and perhaps that is something you can look at in developing closer friendships.

santana75

It sounds like 6 of one half a dozen of the other OP. They sound like flaky people but at the same time you have to take responsibility for your half of this aswell. You're taking it wayyyyyy too personally when someone flakes on you. Never take anything personally, its all them. Its not as though if they liked you more they wouldnt flake, people flake all the time and it has nothing to do with you. You need to get yourself to the point where you're independent and the master of your own destiny and life, regardless of what anyone else is at. Trust me, those people who flake on you are doing exactly that, theyre off doing their own thing. When you decide to live your life the way you want and do the things you want, without the chaperons, you're free and nothing that anyone else does bothers you that much. If youre doing your own thing and someone flakes on you, you'll just be, a whatever, and then leave it up to them if they want to come to you and approach you in the future about doing something. If somebody flakes on you, leave them to it, dont chase them and keep trying to get them to do things, the ball is in their court. But at its core this sounds like youre afraid to go off and do things by yourself, like put yourself into social settings without the back up. Dont be afraid and get stuck in.

Mahogany

lonlie wrote: »

But if I focus on who does want to meet me I'll have narrowed it done to my two best friends from primary school, both of whom live ages away.

And if these people don't like me then why do they make so much contact? Like the guy who really got me so upset over this made contact after a 3 month silence. Why bother if you're then just going to go "Oooh sorry, I'm busy." Or my ex (who I've since cut contact with) who I didn't want to stay friends with but he kept saying how good it would be and then treated me like crap. My friend arranged for us to go for a meal a few weeks back - her idea, she picked the restaurant, she booked etc. Then on the day said she didn't actually have the money and might be able to do it next month.

I feel like being busy with life isn't really a good enough excuse. I'm very very busy but I'm still willing to make time for people. Or even if it was then why not just stop bothering me? Why would you text me or say "oh maybe we can do something next week?" If it's just lies.
I'm 24 so while partners are an issue, kids are not.

It's so hard to make friends - part of me feel like I should just give up on other people. I'd be the same amount of lonely but at least I wouldn't get hurt. (Melodramatic, I know)

I empathise with you big time OP, to put it simply, there really is no such thing as "I'm too busy".

If people really respect you, they'll make time. I've had similar situations as you have, friends of mine picking the better option last minute, saying we should meet up and on the day there's no reply from them while I'm washed and ready with my nice jeans on going wtf?

There's a difference between being liked and being respected. Based on what I've read it looks to me that you're a likable person but you don't command any respect. You need to be more selfish in your social dealings, YOU pick the place to eat, YOU pick the times. I have a feeling once you start doing that even little changes will occur.

I'm the same as you, I'm a people pleaser. So afraid of not being liked that I avoid any sort of conflict whatsoever. Thing is, you're told not to be selfish from an early age so it's instilled in some people(incl me) that being selfish is an absolute no-no. But I've learned in the last couple of years that complete selflessness also leads to unhappiness. Sort out that balance OP. Get your priorities straight with people. And as tough as it is, let go just a little bit and see if you get a response. If there's no response? Time to cut loose.