My Partner has feelings for another woman

RSeekingAdvice

So just to clarify before I explain my situation, we have an 18 month old beautiful baby,who has a disability, we are both 22. Together 3 years this year.


So last few weeks I have noticed a difference in our relationship. Unfortunately I have suffered with depression since pregnancy. I get down and some days have no motivation or self worth. I have gained alot of weight and get very upset over it, yes I know "why not loose it then?" easier said than done, i'm quiet busy with hospital appointments and weekly sessions with my son, I am out of work on carers and my partner works full time.

So as I said I've noticed a change, my partner is very short tempered with me, he has called me unattractive and lazy in some arguments we've had and yes it was hurtful, he did apologize straight after and say that he was so sorry and he really is a genuine person he had so much respect for me and I could really really tell he was mad about me, its slowly kind of went downhill with time.. now we are great together I love him so much we do get on great.

So i noticed he was being a bit distance or secretive you could say with his phone, only to find out a few days later that he admitted he liked a girl in work and admitted to talking to her for a bit on fb, he said nothing serious was said just harmless flirting but he deleted the msgs and then had admitted that "there was something about her that they clicked" and were having lunch together in work, he swore to me that nothing has happened and he had messaged his dad for advice on what to do... so as you can imagine im hurting so much and so confused. So couple days have passed and he has seen this girl since and hes being really apologetic saying he loves me and our son so much and a silly crush isnt worth our realtionship and that he made a mistake.. but she is still trying to flirt with him and trying to talk to him... he has blocked her from online contact and avoiding her in work... I would love some advice on this please... has this happened to anyone else? what did yous do?

Tokyo

It sounds like you and you partner have been through some very stressful times as of late, and any one of what you are experiencing would take their toll - depression, the day to day requirements of raising a child with a disability, being run off your feet with appointments. A combination of all three would push any couple to their limits, and it certainly seems to have taken its toll on both of you.

I'm not condoning your partner's behaviour, either at lashing out verbally at you, or chatting to his female colleague, but in the latter at least, it does seem like he had a moment of weakness, and thankfully it didn't get carried too far. I wouldn't be too concerned at what she is doing, trying to vie for his attention, I'd be more concerned at how he is dealing with it, and right now it does seem like he is taking all of the right steps - he has cut out all contact where possible, and realises what he could have lost.

That being said, the stresses behind all of this are still there, and you both need to find a way to deal with it. And considering the nature of the issues that you are both facing, I would recommend counselling, both to help deal with your depression, and to help you both with your marriage. You should also look into what resources are available to help you and your child, as it really does sound like you are run off your feet.

RSeekingAdvice

Thank you for your opinion, I know he really does regret it. This all happened a few days ago and he did say he nearly lost his family and he would of been destroyed if that was the case. I know he would never do anything physical before ending it with me. We are each others first love and have been through so much together and stuck together through hard times that it would be a shame for a silly crush to end everything plus very upsetting for our son. I do think counselling would help i'm just a little nervous about it.. I just wanted to make sure i wasn't making a fool of myself.. but like I said he didn't act on his feeling apart from a few flirty msgs here and there which were stopped after 2 days of them talking.

Magicmatilda

That is so much that you are both dealing with and at quite a young age when I'm sure your friends are out partying, socialising and having holidays. No wonder you are stressed and depressed or that his head was turned for a second. He sounds genuinely sorry, I doubt he has feelings, it sounds more like he considered another option for a few hours. Which we all do at some point.

I would also recommend counselling, it's a goid tool to learn new communication techniques as well as looking at problems before they get to big. Accord offer free/low cost I believe.

Also do you have much support from family and friends. Could you get someone to mind the baby while you both take a break together, be it a walk, meal, night out, night away whatever suits. Even just a few hours to yourself. It would be very beneficial.

You sound so mature and like you really have your head screwed on. Raising children is not easy and when there are disabilities it adds to the pressure. Go easy on yourself and take care of you too.

Also try eating healthier if you are feeling overweight. Sometimes taking control over one thing can really help. Even just say we will have one healthy meal a day and start small.

Dial Hard

So you were only going out 9 months when you got pregnant, correct? I think that, paired with the fact that you were (are) both very young to be in this situation, would be enough to panic anyone. The fact that your baby has a disability is obviously adding to the stress on both sides and I suspect your partner had a bit of a "What if?" moment while thinking how different his life would be if he wasn't in his current situation. I know that's hurtful for you as what's done is done and it can't be changed now, but honestly, I can completely understand why he felt/acted the way he did.

He has told you that it was a mistake and it won't happen again. Now you have to decide whether or not you can take him at his word and move on from this. There is nothing more toxic to any relationship than an issue that was supposed to be dealt with being brought up again and again. Would you consider counselling? As I said, you're both very young and dealing with a situation (baby with a disability) that even very established couples would struggle with.

ETA: Your partner needs to do the decent thing and tell this woman in work that he made a mistake and that nothing further can come of it. It's not fair or right for him to suddenly just start blanking her. She may have had no idea of his situation and I know that if I were in her position and was told "Listen, I'm in a relationship, we've been going through a very difficult time but we're making a go of it, I'm sorry for leading you on", I'd respect and understand that a lot more than just sudden radio silence and being avoided in the office.

Neyite

I'm in agreement with the rest here. In a short space of time, he went from being a single lad, to a dad of a disabled baby and partner of someone who also needed support and help because of PND. That's his entire little family depending on him emotionally.

It was a bit of escapism maybe for him, but he copped on before he crossed any line and realised what he stood to lose. And he's been honest and candid with you, blocked her and avoids her where possible. He does need to be absolutely clear with her too. I think Dial Hard phrased what he needs to say to her perfectly. It will take time for your relationship to steady again after this wobble, but it can be done, provided he is transparent and commited.

You, though. You need support - you are a full time carer, and I think everyone needs something of their own when they become mothers, it can be very isolating, and moreso if your child cant fully interact with others their age group, you will also find it harder to relate to the mums of those kids too I'd say. Try to see if you can get respite assistance, try to take one evening a week that is for you. I do a weekly class that I started on maternity leave and I practically skip out the door that evening.

Have you spoken to a doctor about your depression? PND can kick in at any stage up to a year after a birth, and can be successfully treatable if that's what it is. Why suffer when you can get help? Your weight can get tackled any time once your head-space is better equipped to deal with it. I found running to be brilliant for my low moods, even though I was so un-athletic I was probably the bane of my PE teacher's life! It really is worth it to talk to your GP.

RSeekingAdvice

"It's not fair or right for him to suddenly just start blanking her. She may have had no idea of his situation"

Shes knows our situation and she also knows he has me as his girlfriend I think she is just as much in the wrong as he is and I dont think he should even have to explain to her that he made a mistake she should back off and get the picture. I dont agree with woman chasing after men that already partnered and they know it vise versa.

thanks for your opinion i really am considering counselling.