Difficult rent situation

LegacyUser

Wasn’t sure which forum was best, happy for this to be moved by a MOD if necessary.
I live in a flatshare in a big city with one other guy, in a house owned by a couple who live in US but come to stay for 2 - 3 months a year. I knew this before I moved in, but I guess I didn’t quite know the extent of the situation.

When they come, I share a bathroom with them and our rooms are next to each other. They are a nice couple but the man has some very serious physical issues since he fell ill with cancer a few years ago. He had some operation where a stent was insert into his brain and he’s quite disabled physically as well as mentally - unstable on his feet, very weak and incapacitated, memory loss, mental slowdown and lack of awareness, he’s not young either and she is basically his fulltime carer.

I get on quite well with his wife but living with this situation can prove challenging. Anytime he uses the bathroom I have to overhear them rowing, him yelling and sometimes crying and pleading for help (he’s quite senile), he often wakes at all hours yelling and during the last visit he fell down and broke his leg in the hallway, which created all sorts of drama.

I’m pretty easygoing and not there a lot of the time because I work, and she manages to reign him in quite well most of the time anyway. Last night she slept in the spare room as I think she’s recovering from a cold, so he was left to fend for himself in the room beside me. He got up to use the bathroom a few times during the night. I got up at 5am to take a shower and was greeted by a horribly foul smell and faeces marks all over the floor and toilet. He has incontinency issues and I guess he’s used to her cleaning up after him. He had stuffed his soiled mess into the bin beside the toilet and I literally dry retched as I walked into the bathroom and had to skip the shower. It was disgusting, quite frankly.

It really unsettled me for the morning and I’m basically sitting here freaked out that I am going to have to endure this for the duration of their stay - which will be at least a few months.

I quite like the house, location, price and the setup suits me, moving isn’t really an option. But I guess I’m wondering if I should bring it up with her and how exactly can I word it so as not to disrupt the peace or upset her? I definitely can’t live with this!

Pawwed Rig

You are living in the house under licence so have no rights as such as a tenant. It is a difficult situation for you but it sounds like it is a lot worse for the poor man. It would seem unlikely that he would be able to change his behaviour given your description of his physical and mental disabilities and my own feeling is that it would be very insensitive to burden them more with your issues as they are both living in very difficult circumstances.
You need to decide whether living where you are is worth the extra hassle.

Tokyo

awkwardandgross wrote: »

he’s quite disabled physically as well as mentally - unstable on his feet, very weak and incapacitated, memory loss, mental slowdown and lack of awareness, he’s not young either and she is basically his fulltime carer.

he often wakes at all hours yelling and during the last visit he fell down and broke his leg in the hallway, which created all sorts of drama.

These aren't things that are going to change, nor are they things that the couple can change - and as has been pointed out by Pawwed Rig, as a resident under license, you have no rights as a tenant. Telling them that it bothers you might get things off your chest, but other than that it's just going to make the couple in question feel bad about something that is very much out of their control.

Your choices are quite limited really - either learn to live with it for the next few months, or move out and find somewhere more suited to your needs. I'd recommend the latter, personally, for the sake of both you and the couple.

Chemical Byrne

^^ Exactly. The very very last thing this couple need is for a housemate to be complaining about something that is totally outside of their control. I can imagine that they are both stressed enough as it is without you sticking your oar in (no offence).
Really, if you are uncomfortable with the situation you should just arrange to move out yourself and no be putting more burdens on them.

skallywag

Sounds like an awful situation for all involved OP, including yourself of course.

I would move out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.
I didn’t mean to come across as selfish. I have a lot of sympathy for the couple, they have quite a difficult life and I always make sure to give them plenty of space. Allover I’d be a very quiet, clean and easygoing tenant, not someone who kicks up a fuss about things. And his behaviour, while not exactly pleasant to see, doesn’t really affect me. I’m not there a lot of the time and I generally am a good sleeper. It’s a lovely house and they don’t live in it permanently - just for these few months every year.

I think it’s just because she usually cleans up after him and this is the first time she hasn’t and it was a deeply disturbing thing to have to witness and deal with that jarred me. I know she makes an effort to be considerate towards her tenants in that regard usually, as there have been issues with other tenants on this in the past. It’s a strange situation to be in and I just am worried she’ll stay downstairs in the spare room and it will continue indefinitely if I don’t say anything.

Chemical Byrne

I feel really bad for them both. :-( The poor man. What sort of age group are this couple? I feel even worse if they're young.

deise08

Would it be possible to swap rooms at all?
just while they're there? Or while she's sick?
If the spare room is downstairs and he's upstairs beside you?
would it not be better for them to be beside each other?

Emme

If there is only one bathroom in the house I would move out. They are in a very difficult situation and it isn't going to get easier. They need a bathroom to themselves when they are over here. By the sounds of things he might not be able to travel so they might be in the house longer than 3 months this time around.

If there is a downstairs bathroom moving downstairs might be an option.

They may not be in a position to rent out rooms if they stay in Ireland as he may need a carer to help his wife.

power pants

I agree mostly with what everyone else is saying. However, did you know before taking the room that the owner was very ill and the potential issues that could arise when they stay?
Id say nothing and see what happens in the next few days regarding his wife. Im sure she will move back up to help him again when she is better.
If it doesnt change and you dont feel comfortable living there, just have to make your excuses and move out. I wouldnt mention the issue, just give another reason unrelated.

Stavro Mueller

I'm sorry but I think you're being quite insensitive here. We had a very ill relative in my family who needed full-time care - I know a little bit about being a carer as a result. It can involve an awful lot of cleaning up human waste and trying to reason with fully grown adults who have no clue how to behave any more. It's mentally exhausting, stressful, physically tiring and relentless. It's help she needs, not derision.

My heart goes out so much to this couple, especially that poor woman. I'd say she would be utterly mortified if she knew you had seen what you'd seen. Scrub that - she knows you saw it. You were gone to work by the time she got up and I'm sure she figured it out. Maybe she was awake when she heard you going into the bathroom and had that horrible sinking feeling you get when things don't go to plan. I would say she was too sick/exhausted to face into cleaning the bathroom (if she knew about it) and was hoping to tackle it before you got up. Imagine having to get out of your sick bed and facing into that!

I think that what happened was unfortunate but unintentional. What exactly is it you think she should do? She can't control her husband. Do you think she enjoys listening to him either? Or trying to bathe him, toilet him etc. You probably won't ever see the bathroom in that state again but that's not going to make you happy is it? Realistically the only solution to your problem is to move. Sorry.

LegacyUser

I think the above post is a bit unfair. I'm a tenant in a houseshare and didn't have one iota of a notion that I was signing up for this when I signed the lease. I got on with it, I happen to have a very sick family member myself so these issues aren't new to me, but in this situation Im not a family member, or a relative, or a friend of this couple - im one of their tenants living a busy life in a busy city and im essentially sharing a bathroom with a man who is special needs and should probably have a full-time nurse and far more personal space.

But how and ever. he's in the house a few months a year and i am getting on with things. I get on really well with teh wife, we'll sit and have a glass of wine together and talk about anything and everything, and I know that her previous tenants have had major issues with the disruption of the situation so that was my hesitance in saying anything. it's not fair on her at all, or on him, but it's also not fair on me to walk into what I walked into at 5am when i was trying to rush out the door to a busy shift, i work long and hard hours and need as much comfort and respite at home as anyone else does.

i've decided not to say anything as, well, what exactly would I say really. She's still sleeping downstairs but she has made the bathroom spick and span this evening and I know how conscious she is of his behaviour and don't think it would be helping anyone to flag this one isolated incident.

Shelga

Hi OP, I don't think you come across as selfish at all. It's a very difficult situation for all involved, but of course it's worst for the poor man.

It sounds like an environment that is sad, draining and tiring, and not one I'd like to live in. Of course you're sympathetic towards him, you're human, but these people are not family members and you're entitled to a nice home environment too. It'd be one thing if this was a colleague from work and you could go home and switch off from the situation, but this is your personal space.

I'd move, and make up some excuse for the wife so she doesn't feel even worse. Even if they're only there a quarter of the year, it's not worth it, IMO.

Stavro Mueller

awkwardandgross wrote: »

it's not fair on her at all, or on him, but it's also not fair on me to walk into what I walked into at 5am when i was trying to rush out the door to a busy shift, i work long and hard hours and need as much comfort and respite at home as anyone else does.

I can understand why you feel aggrieved but in the circumstances it may have been unavoidable. She may have been so utterly exhausted that she physically wasn't able to clean the mess up on the spot. Or she didn't know it had happened in the first place.

In an ideal world you would have your own bathroom and these people would have a nurse and respite care. Maybe money's too tight for them -who knows? If it bothers you so much then it may be worth your while to quietly start looking for somewhere else that's suitable.

quietsailor

OP I'm posting this because you need to really really get your head around something in relation to living in that house - YOU'RE NOT A TENANT - the capitals are there because it's a legal point, not just semantics/English. I don't know if your using the word tenant because it's easy or you genuinely think your a tenant? You didn't answer an earlier poster about this.

Your legally called a licencee as you share the house with the owners. You have no protection under the Residential Tenancies Act - zero, zip, nada. That's important because you say the house suits you - if the owner wishes they can TELL - tell, not ask - you to leave tomorrow morning.

Be careful talking to them about this as it is a vicious market for tenants at the moment and you may not be able to find accommodation easily. Your the only one that can calculate what level of his illness you'll cope with but if you decide to leave I'd advise having your next accommodation ready before telling them you're leaving.

athtrasna

It's an interesting situation because technically the OP is a tenant 9 months of the year and a licensee 3 months. Not so cut and dried?

MagicMarker

OP, swapping rooms is a good idea. If it can be done then that's great.

But there is zero point in having a chat with couple about this, and frankly it would be highly insensitive. What happened isn't really that big a deal, sure it wasn't nice for you but in the grand scheme of things it was pretty minor, and very understandable.

What you need to understand it those kind of incidents are GOING to happen. So if you have an issue with that, then you need to move.