Insecure after getting back with my ex

Coldfish79

This is a long one sorry! I got back together with my ex after Christmas. We are 35 years old have a 5 year old child together but have been on/off since she was born. We’ve been together about 8 years in total.

We're not without our problems, hence the on/off. Since the recession hit he’s lost all focus really. I work from home in a good job and mind our daughter. He works on the family farm, only 3 – 4 hours a day as far as I can see, which is just over 1 hour away but he stays there c 5 nights a week. When we were on I did n’t want anyone knowing as I felt he still had n’t gotten his act together (i.e. gotten a job) and so that was his reason for having to stay at home that much? Not sure I can disagree as I would n’t tell people we were together … so for 3 years we were together (seeing each other 1 -2 days a week) without people really knowing (yes I’m sure some guessed!) It was obvious he was n’t treating me that well after he did lose his job, me working, caring for our daughter, taking on all the responsibility really and I just did n’t want anyone to think I was a fool! I kept thinking he’d change … get a job, do more to help out, just take some of the responsibility away from me (I have a very responsible job & sometimes I don’t want to have to make anymore decisions at home, even small stupid ones!)

Anyway 1 year ago my sis got married, my boyf (not that anyone knew we were together) got drunk & jealous and ruined the end of the night for me. The next night I was at the after party talking to all the other groomsmen & their wives and my sis & husband and it dawned on me that we'd never have what 'normal couples' have. So I ended it again over the next few weeks. He kinda tried to fix things over the next few months, went to counseling, applied for jobs but did n’t get any, but in November I lost it with him & told him to stop he was driving me crazy, that I had been telling him we were over since April, separate rooms when he did stay etc

Anyway it did not take long after this & he met someone new (she approached him he says!). As we have a daughter together we still met every week. By Christmas I knew something was up that he must have met someone ... He just seemed happier! I asked he denied it (I know it was none of my business) but I checked his phone & saw the messages....I know its wrong I could not help myself… I’m the type of person who has to know what’s going on … good or bad I really don’t care once I know.

Anyway I told him I knew and I was happy for him & we had a long talk, me saying we were a disaster together him saying we were nt! I felt hurt (yes I ended it). But then I got upset (I genuinely thought I had no feelings for him). He indirectly asked if I wanted us to get back together but I said no. We met again the next day (Christmas – collecting & dropping off our daughter) & again vaguely (but I did not pick up on it) asked again (he says)... 2 days later I rang asking was there any chance for us... I felt heartbroken... I did n’t want to ruin his new relationship or even hurt her … but something just took over. I knew if he said no I’d never have pushed it. I had broken my mobile the day before & unknowingly he has act texted me that morning sussing me out again, but I technically made the first move.

I’m probably not saying the right thing but I hate that I made the first move, like he has the upperhand now…. I know relationships should n’t be about this but now I’m on the otherside I feel like he has the upperhand. Always when we broke up before I did the ending (out of desperation with him I swear. I am a mother and more than anything I want her to have everything I can possibly give her, including a normal family life).

Anyway he ended it with the new girl, who really liked him. Eventhough they were only together 1 month, she really tried to change his mind about going back to me. She’s a very confident woman! They had not slept together but she wanted to (or I def would not have asked him back) but they did a lot of other things.... I did not ask but I know him....sorry! We were off, I can’t really say anything about that … I really really don’t like it though.
Anyway I looked up this girl on Facebook at that time before I asked him back (I felt desperate to know) & she's gorgeous. I think that’s why it took me 2 days to ring him, I thought I did n’t have a chance. I'm eaten away with insecurity ever since, shes better looking than me, has a great life, seems to be great fun etc. Also I think about them being so physically close. They were only together 1 month & we're on/off for 8 years. He says he wants to be with me but I'm paranoid he's lying.... He would do anything for an easy life! I think it might have been easier to stay with me than starting a new relationship all over again, he says I'm never the easier option! I now don't feel good enough, like he could do better because he has done better! I also worry that as time has gone on that he thinks about her or looks her up on FB (she always posted glam selfies etc ). I had told him that I checked his phone and to put a pin on it so that I could not do it again! And he did quite recently so now I’m paranoid he could be checking her out … I really doubt they’re in touch… but now I’m thinking is he hiding something?!

So now my insecurity about this girl has gotten worse not better! But I hate being needy and I don't want him to know how I feel! I need reassurance but I don't want him to know this! And when he does n't know he can't reassure me that he's not thinking about her or regretting his decision to be with me....
How do I snap out of it?

Phonehead

So I assume you have came to the conclusion that you are happy to be with him even though he has no employment ambitions and from what you say hasn't changed in how he will treat you? If I were him I'm pretty sure I'd never regret my decision to reunite with you. Sorry if it sounds harsh but you really shouldn't question for one second if you are good enough for him!

Coldfish79

Hi phonehead, you're not harsh I appreciate any input. I'm hoping with more time he will get his act together job wise ...eventhough it has been an issue for almost 6 years. I asked him back fully aware about the job issue but because I asked him back I feel like I have to take him or leave him as he is/has been... he did n't have to make me any promises this time as I was the one asking him ... and so he's made no promises. On paper I should n't want to be with him or in this relationship really, but I can't live with him can't live without him!!

ViveLaVie

To be honest, I think you have treated him appallingly. You effectively refused to tell anyone he was your boyfriend for THREE YEARS because you were embarrassed?? And you went through his phone, having broken up with him repeatedly?

Then he finally started to move on and you wrecked his new relationship. Now you're comparing yourself to the ex. Seems like a case of you wanting him once you saw others did.

Do you even love him?
Leave him alone is my advice tbh.

suicide_circus

I'd say you have this guys head thoroughly melted. Be very very sure that you are right for each other before attempting to get back together again, for the sake of your child.

Coldfish79

ViveLa Vie ... I did n't tell anyone for 3 years but not because I was embarrased of him, but because nothing was changing and at times things were getting worse. I was actually always really good to him, he could trust me 100% and if anything needed sorting I did it.... bills mortgages etc. Having all that responsibility on your own is not easy. After our daughter was born and for the next year I begged him to sort himself out for the sake of our relationship. After a year, he went to work on the family farm. But with him staying away most of the week, it seemed like the easy option for him, no pressure of having to work for someone again, 9-5 etc. I did n't set out to wreck his new relationship, although anyone I was with for a month including him I would n't define as a relationship. I asked, I think the conversation lasted 10 mins, he made up his own mind.

Suicide circus ... we're back together since Christmas ... and the head melting can go both ways, I've always just wanted an easy going relationship ... everything 50:50 where we both take care of each other. I don't get any kicks at all out of arguing and fighting.

njs030

Well you did set out to ruin his new relationship, it doesn't matter what word you use for it, he was happy (in your words) and with someone else and you decided you wanted him back.
How come it only hit you then? What about while he was single, why weren't you mad to get back with him then?

If you really cared about this man you would be proud to be with him and want everyone to know. Not hiding it for years because he doesn't have a job!!

And now you're obsessed with the woman he hurt to go back to you? Why? It really sounds like you don't have a clue what you want and should leave this man alone to be happy with someone who values all of him, not just the parts you decide are appropriate.
It doesn't sound like a relationship either of you are happy in, if nothing has changed then why do you want to be with him now?

Btw, were you still pretending you weren't together AFTER you had a child with him?

jopax

Hi op, your feelings about him are very contradictory.

You said yourself you can't live with him and and can't live without him.

Its like you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either.

If I were you I would try to forget about the paranoia for a bit. Then focus on what's important, do you want to be with him romantically or not.

If you definitely want to be with him then just start acting like a couple and put more energy into your relationship.

At the end of the day he will always be in your life for your daughters sake.
If on the other hand you don't truly love him enough maybe think about leaving him have a chance to be happy with someone else.

He sounds like a decent enough chap, maybe not as ambitious as you are but we are all different.

Its a tough call but I think only you know what you want from a partner, just is it enough?

Coldfish79

I lived in London (worked there) just before our daughter was born. He would n't move there so I moved back to Galway just before she was due and he's from a nearby county. We bought a house in Galway. We had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years before she was born (but I was home everyweekend bar 1 a month) and sometimes for a little longer when i could work at home.
WHen she was 2 months old I found out he was on dating websites every few months for the last year of the relationship but more so after we moved in together. I went through all these sites ... every message, email etc and I know for a fact that he never met up with anyone (and it took me ages to accept that nothing had happened)....the messages were kinda harmless in their nature (more he got a "buzz" out of getting the attention?) but it nearly devastated me at the time. I had given up my job, moved back with a new baby and had to give it a chance ... although it was a nightmare at the time ... I could n't really trust him for a long time. Anyway it took me years to get over it, I wished I could have forgiven and forgotten sooner but I could n't. So after our daughter was about a year we broke up, but it was n't a good year ... trust issues, him not working etc. 6 weeks later I lost my sister to a sudden illness and we got together again (he instigated it).... slowly. After the bereavement, I was consumed with grief for easily 2 years, but I still functioned in all other areas (still working, paying the bills etc ... the responsibility did n't stop for me). We got back together and I did n't tell anyone because there was so much going on in my family... this turned into a year, 2 ... then 3. Time genuinely slipped away. I often said it to him about getting a job to help out (I'll have to stop if we have another child) and I'd tell people if we sorted a few things out, he did n't apply for any jobs/courses ... not even 1 in those 3 years (he just said there was nothing out there for him)... maybe I was testing him to prove to me he wanted to make a proper/normal go of us (we were in our early 30s ... adults I could n't understant this) ... it was n't really much of a test ... get a job, help out more that's it! He did n't give me any other reason to doubt him re the websites again, and I do believe he has n't done anything since.

He's a good guy, not a great guy. I'm sorry to say that. Nobody's perfect, myself included. He can do things by omission/obliviousness to hurt me. I don't care about ambition at all, I don't care what he does, I just have a fear if we (myself & daughter) ever really need to rely on him we won't be able to. But I've been financially covering 90% of the bills for the last 6 years (I live in the house full time he does n't - I can afford it, he can't really, eventhough his family would be well off). I do know if I said in the morning that he had to pay 100% of everything he would (from savings/small family wage), but I'd rather be fully independent and he knows this (says I'm too independent). After asking him back, I just have to deal with this. I know this is the way he is, nobody ever really changes, myself included so I just have to accept that this is the way things are.

These are n't great things I've said, but they also don't sum him up completely. We click and we have fun together, if we needed nothing from each other (had no joint responsibilities) we'd have v little problems.

Maybe I should have posted here at Christmas and not broken up his new relationship! But I'm not sure as time would have gone on that it might not have been an issue for her that he lives at home and does n't work too. Btw I technically asked him back first (after I told him I was happy for him and he sussed me out twice - i cried, i really tried not to I was surprised that I did myself, but that's what gave me away) BUT he had texted me that very morning instigating asking me back first... I had just dropped my phone in water (not my tears!) the day before so did n't get the message. He said he was n't that into her, that she was more into him, she wanted to sleep with him, but he did n't want to with her (yet).... he was confused while he was with her (knew nothing about her then so nothing to do with me that time!). But he also said he would have continued to keep seeing her and of course I'm sure in time he would have fallen for her.

I think you've highlighted that the insecurity is the least of my problems now!

Poppy_

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I don't know how else to convey this. You are going to have to snap out of it and put this other woman out of your mind. See it for what it is. He left this girl you are so obsessed with to go back to the mother of his child to try again. Why isnt this enough proof for you he is serious? The guy doesn't seem to be able to do right by you. If you're not careful he will end up finishing for good because of the way you are carrying on. I'm not sure many could blame him.

Couples go through hard times, and you have to be there for each other no matter what. If you love each other but can't seem to communicate properly get couples counselling.

One thing I've noticed, which you don't mention a lot in your post is your daughter. Youre so consumed with your own toxic jealousy. Children - even very young- pick up on a bad atmosphere. What does she make of all this? At 5yrs they have a mind of their own, and see and hear all. How is she feeling about this mess?

By the way, saying 'I just had to know' doesn't give you any entitlement to go through someone's phone. You're a classic case of curiosity killing the cat. You have your head all over the place as a result, and your guys too. If you ask me its last chance saloon for you as a couple, so put all your effort into strengthening what you do have, rather than sabotaging it with your insecurities.

Coldfish79

Poppy ... my daughter is my life ... there's nothing I don't and would n't do for her. She is the happiest most content child ever, everyone says that. We have had 1 fight in front of her in the past 5 years (my dad had an awful temper, we used to be terrified when he fought (verbally only) with my mother I would never do that). There is 100% no bad atmosphere at home ... she's 5 year old she actually would tell everyone if there was! The reason I did n't mention her is that bar not seeing her dad every night she's oblivious to everything. If I thought us staying together was affecting her, there would be no staying together. It's partly because I want to give her everything that I've always tried with her dad. My boyf does n't even know how I feel now about being this insecure and so we've not had 1 fight since Christmas, it's just eating away at me, there's no point in bringing it up with him. He'd say I've nothing to worry about and I probably still would feel the same (I really don't want to btw).

Poppy_

Coldfish79 wrote: »

Poppy ... my daughter is my life ... there's nothing I don't and would n't do for her. She is the happiest most content child ever, everyone says that. We have had 1 fight in front of her in the past 5 years (my dad had an awful temper, we used to be terrified when he fought (verbally only) with my mother I would never do that). There is 100% no bad atmosphere at home ... she's 5 year old she actually would tell everyone if there was! The reason I did n't mention her is that bar not seeing her dad every night she's oblivious to everything. If I thought us staying together was affecting her, there would be no staying together. It's partly because I want to give her everything that I've always tried with her dad. My boyf does n't even know how I feel now about being this insecure and so we've not had 1 fight since Christmas, it's just eating away at me, there's no point in bringing it up with him. He'd say I've nothing to worry about and I probably still would feel the same (I really don't want to btw).

I apologise if it sounded like I was commenting on you as a mother, I'm not. My mention of her was because these little people have minds like sponges. They learn everything from us. The good, and the bad things. I'm a mother of two myself Coldfish. I've felt, and do feel insecure at times myself, for reasons I won't go into. But there is a man that has chosen to be with me, and loves me. I remind myself of this when I let my mind wander to the dark side.

You HAVE to try get passed this. Have you considered counselling, even for yourself? You need to buck up your self esteem. Counselling really does wonders. It puts everything into perspective, and whenever I have been in the past I came away with a sense of relief, a weight lifted. We take our minds for granted Coldfish, and I think you could do with off loading a little.

Normally I'd say communication is key, but in this scenario I think honesty about your thoughts about him leaving you for her.. Well I think he may feel the relationship is hopeless. There is nothing more he can do to prove to you he wants you not her. The relationship is in recovery, and I think it would help things immensely if you went to counselling to thrash things through.

Coldfish79

Hi Poppy, no need to apologise, I was probably a bit more defensive that I meant to be about my daughter. i completely agree with you, I always said children mimic what they see, that they learn fighting and shouting from seeing it and it's something I would never do around her. Not sure if you saw another post where I went into him being on dating websites before/after our daughter was born. I did n't want to bring up this or any of the issues we had really as they're either in the past and I draw a line under them now or it is a waste of both of our time trying again. It took me a long time to get past these issues (which was not easy at all) so they're not an issue now, that's why I did n't bring these up in the first post

I believe that he does n't do it anymore but I did say in my first post that he put a pin on his phone for the first time ever (i only checked as I was at his home house, could n't find my mobile and was going to ring it from his) while I do trust him its impossible to get that trust back to 100%. He has been to counselling twice himself I'm not sure we would go as a couple, I know it makes sense but we never did it even when things were very bad.

He did say it was love at first sight when we met (and he never says anything nice) so I'll have to accept this. But his actions don't match the words sometimes. I'm sure someday I'll just tell him how I feel ... try this communication thing! Thanks for all your replies.

Meauldsegosha

Coldfish79 wrote: »

I did say in my first post that he put a pin on his phone for the first time ever

Because you told him to

Coldfish79 wrote: »

I had told him that I checked his phone and to put a pin on it so that I could not do it again!

jopax

Hi op, I was just reading through the replies and think what poppy said about getting counseling for yourself is a really good idea.

Having read your post about the dating sites however innocent it was, for me it wouldn't sit easy either. So I do understand a bit more abut where you are coming from.

You need support for yourself emotionally to try and help you sort through your feelings.
I do admire you for being strong & independent for both you & your daughter.

I wish you good luck with whatever you decide, & I don't think you are actually paranoid, most people would feel the same if they were in your shoes.

dove2011

Hi OP,
You have surely had your ups & downs with this man; I really feel sorry for both of you; trying so hard but sometimes when things are so broken they can’t be fixed- is life worth that? I think it’s the situation that you don’t want him (& you probably never thought someone would want him) once he got someone you wanted to be with him- not really fair on you, your partner or the new person.
Would your beautiful daughter be better off with both parents getting on with their own lives happily than dealing with these insecurities & tension- however you might hide it from her I am sure she is aware that something is not right with you- the unspoken strain!. I have no doubt your partner also has insecurities especially since you finished it so many times with him over & over to even deny/reject him for 3 years. He probably does whatever you say for a quiet life- but that is men for you- no real backbone.
I was in a similar situation as yours few months back (he was from Kerry, living a few miles from me and his ex from Limerick). I got involved with a man who had a child from a previous relationship; it was a short romance but intense time & great fun! However like you; his ex-partner found out about us & begged him to come back; he explained his whole past relationship to me; wow I tell you it was dramatic & to be honest not worth it. I really don’t know how it panned out; but once he told me that his ex-partner wanted him back I knew he was heading back to her; sure he got the control back (something like what you are dealing with now) For his child I do hope it works out. But I will always wonder if his ex-partner had been truthful to herself & been honest would we have worked out & I think he will always wonder too! But c’est la vie
I won’t worry about him looking up this girl; if he she is confident & self-assured as you believe she is I am sure she has moved on. After all Coldfish79 he decided that he wanted to be with his family; he is happy to be back with you; so you either have to forget about this girl (that made him happy) & get on with building your future with him; that if you want it or just prolonging the inevitable of you & your partner splitting again.
Best of Luck whatever happens- you’re probably too good for him anyway but you would want to start treating him with more respect.

Coldfish79

Hi Dove2011, thanks for your reply. I'm surprised that you have n't slated me since you've been in the situation where someone like me asked the ex back. I actually felt really bad for this girl at the time but I said I'd ask, no pressure and if he liked her that I would stay well away. It's like something just took over, but I would have walked away too and let them to it.... i could n't think about her or what affect it would have on her - I just thought because it was only a month or so that it could n't have been that serious, just because anyone I've ever met, the first month certainly was n't - him included!

When I first found out I did say I was happy for him (genuinely thought I did n't care - was shocked he could move on so fast but not too surprised - said she approached him) but he hesitated, said she was a bit intense etc (he did all the chasing with me but only because I was quite shy when we met when we were 26 or so) but this did not stop him staying with her! When he broke it off he told me that he had told her that it was because of our daughter just to save her feelings and that I plagued him... I did not, I could n't have gotten back with him if I thought it was forced. He really downplayed what they had together while saying that she really liked him. I suppose eventhough he says he said these things to let her down gently, part of me thinks our relationship is the easy way out, have the mortgage & child already! He told both of us what we wanted to hear. I worry like you said about your situation, you had a great time and it was intense ... and while I'm not jealous as such ... he was single.... I wonder does he think of her, wondering what if too! But you're 100% right I'm sure she has moved on. She's only 30 i think so she's not moping!

I hope everything works out for you with someone new, if you're not already with someone, with no baggage like this.... I used to think you learn something new from every relationship/encounter. So it can only help you know what you will and won't accept in the next relationship.

We're still together now, things are good, I can overthink things anymore, I know he enjoys being with me, I just have to stop worrying about the what ifs!

dove2011

Yes you need to give up the "what if's" & build on your happiness not you insecurities. However possibly some counselling might do you some good... your partner "wasn't that into her" & she "supposenly did all the pursuing" so why so worried about her...
I met my ex online ... looking back it was a lucky escape on my part.
Best of Luck with it all.

Andyleeko

OP from what I've read I think you could benefit from counselling. You seem to have anger issues and from what you said about this man it seems you were trying to control him, when you discovered he could attract another woman it made you anxious that you couldn't control him anymore. These are issues you should address with a counsellor.