different surname to children..

Trix

Hi all
wanted to see if anyone has had any issues if you have a different surname to your child/children. the plan is to get married this year and I've no interest in changing my name but the mother in law keeps mentioning "trouble at the airport".... is she talking nonsense or is it a genuine problem??

pwurple

Since Hague 2010 you can be questioned travelling alone with children, in order to prove you are their parent, and their other parent consented to you travelling. It's to prevent child kidnapping by parents.

I have a different surname to my children, but the one document I changed to a married name was my passport, only for this reason. Otherwise you can just bring along a copy of their birth certificate.

Mitch Connor

My cousin is a teacher and had never thought of changing her name on marriage but is going to do so now - in large part because one day a child in her class was sick and she had to try get hold of the mother. She rang the persons place of work and ask for 'Mothers Name'-'Childs Surname', and couldn't get her - because the mother was going by the maiden name my cousin didn't know. Not a massive issue, really, and one that was resolved in quick enough time - but it made up her mind, to avoid any such issue/confusion in the future where the child is at risk.

Trix

I might change the passport so. I cant see myself travelling any great distance without himself but better safe than sorry I guess.

bpmurray

Pretty much everyone in Iceland has a different surname from their parents (daughters named after mother's first name, sons after father's), so it's certainly nothing unusual. However, you need to have your documentation in order, including the other parent's permission. It's become stricter the past few years - some change in the law that means that you'll almost certainly be questioned and they'll want to see the docs.

Daisy 55

Never changed my name or passport. We have 2 children. Never a problem. I'd advise change everything or nothing though. Avoids confusion!

Bob24

Not sure Ireland does the same, but when I was a kid in France my parents had my brother and I added to a special section at the end of their passport where you can have your children listed. This prevents any confusion when crossing the border.

Daisy 55

Can't do that anymore though.

traineeacc

My passport still in my maiden name and never had any trouble or issues. In fact was never even asked any questions.

galljga1

I am a widower with two young kids. I have heard of both male and female being questioned at airports when travelling 'solo' with kids.
In addition to passports, I bring the following:
Kids Birth certs
Marriage cert
Death cert
Affidavit for each kid that I am their sole carer.
Sounds like a lot of hassle but it fits in one envelope and is simply thrown into the cabin luggage.
I have not been questioned yet.

allybhoy

Ive flown to Asia via UAE with my daughter alone (same surname) and there was no issue, My partner has also flown with her alone (dffferent surname) and never had any issues.

skallywag

This point comes up from time to time, with the general consensus being that while it could be a problem in theory, nobody has ever actually encountered a personal example of an issue in reality.

I think that you have nothing to worry about. If you want to put your mind at ease then just have a copy of the birth cert with you.

eviltwin

I worked in the travel industry for years and this was never an issue. It's not unusual for children in other countries to have different surnames from their parents. Here it's a bit more rare so we forget that blended and second families have been around for ages elsewhere so we make a bigger deal of it than we should.

Sleepy

My step-son already had my wife's surname so we chose to give our daughter the same name when she was born and my wife kept her own name after we got married. Kids can be very cruel in the schoolyard so it always made sense to us that I'd be the "odd one out" rather than him (though there was a lot of joking about me taking her surname when we married).

Toots

I got a lot of slagging, but I double barrelled on my passport. My surname was already long - Mac XXXX so when I added my married name on at the end it looked a bit mad, but I wanted to keep part of my maiden name. It never occurred to me that I could have been questioned at the airport about it had I been travelling with my son and left my maiden name alone on my passport.

Will you ever be travelling through the airport on your own with your child? I can't see them questioning it if you're travelling through as a family.

hoodwinked

i grew up with a different surname to my mum, (i had my dad's she kept her maiden name) when she had my half siblings they too took took their dad's name and when that relationship broke down, she met our current step dad, so we had at one holiday, my mum (surname A), our step dad (surname , my siblings (surname C) and myself (surname D), even back then a few eyebrows were raised at passport control, and by our postman and others in general.

even in school she'd still get letters of her first name with my surname, and she'd go in to correct them. and it always hurt my feelings when she did.

and to be honest it always made me swear when i got married i wouldn't bother with this "keeping my name" rubbish, it's so much easier when everyone has the same surname in families,

from the little things like winning a trophy at a school event and having "X family 2010" engraved as opposed to "x&y family" or "x-y family" on it,

to my daughter screaming "go team x" when we are playing games against other families.

to the bigger things like travelling through passport control, and giving them a sense of belonging.

to my child just knowing she has the same name as mom and dad, its a comfort i never had and i longed for it, and people don't seem to realise how upset some children get when they have different names to their parents. it did make me feel so detached,

to a child a name can mean everything, as an adult i am old enough to understand it's about my child and not about me.

i know different circumstances cannot be helped, and don't get me wrong i don't blame my mother for believing each relationship would work and naming us after our dads, but knowing how i felt as a child, it's something i will try to avoid at all costs for my own if i can by keeping the one surname consistent.

zeffabelli

Sleepy wrote: »

My step-son already had my wife's surname so we chose to give our daughter the same name when she was born and my wife kept her own name after we got married. Kids can be very cruel in the schoolyard so it always made sense to us that I'd be the "odd one out" rather than him (though there was a lot of joking about me taking her surname when we married).

I think it might feel different when you have a daughter.

My little boy has a "girlfriend" who practises writing her name for when they get married....and guess what...she puts her name and then my surname...needless to say...dad cringed when he heard this...the likelyhood that that grandchildren will have my name and his will be washed out in the sands of time.

tessat

Yes I've had problems before.
I travelled to Croatia with my partner and my kids, they have their Dads surname and I have my maiden name and my partner has a different name. We were pulled aside and questioned (on our return to Ireland it must be said) for about 20 mins.
Since then we bring a letter from my ex husband and have no issues.
If you want to avoid issues and not change your passport it is very simple to just bring the child's birth cert. France and Portugal and very fussy about letters when traveling alone with children.

Sleepy

zeffabelli wrote: »

I think it might feel different when you have a daughter.

My little boy has a "girlfriend" who practises writing her name for when they get married....and guess what...she puts her name and then my surname...needless to say...dad cringed when he heard this...the likelyhood that that grandchildren will have my name and his will be washed out in the sands of time.

It really wouldn't bother me tbh. Not much of a one for family legacies or that... probably to do with the fact there's nothing to go with the name!

Now if I was Earl Sleepy of the Highclare blahddy blahddy, I might feel different but with no grand house to pass on, the name has little value.

IvyTheTerrible

My son and I don't have the same surname (he has his dad's name). It hasn't posed problems so far.

Day Lewin

I've always kept the first surname I had, and my children used their father's surname always.
Nobody ever bothered me in the slightest about it, ever, anywhere. (though my husband was often addressed by MY surname at the maternity hospital, whenever we had another one...)
I used to just say at the schools, "Hello, I'm Mary Smith, mother of John Brown" etc - pleasant smile - nothing to fuss about there either. [fictional names, yes]

Both my sisters did the same as me, and they too travelled with their children and husband, and nobody ever bothered them in any way, either.
It's an imaginary problem, in my opinion. Tell your MIL to mind her own business.

Uno my Uno.

A friend has a different surname form her infant son and has been questioned upon arrival here on two occasions. She is half Irish and has an Irish Passport but an oriental name. She travels with his birth cert so it easily resolved but she finds it very upsetting as she feels it is only because she has a foreign name and the colour of her skin is different to his.

Dial Hard

Mitch Connor wrote: »

My cousin is a teacher and had never thought of changing her name on marriage but is going to do so now - in large part because one day a child in her class was sick and she had to try get hold of the mother. She rang the persons place of work and ask for 'Mothers Name'-'Childs Surname', and couldn't get her - because the mother was going by the maiden name my cousin didn't know. Not a massive issue, really, and one that was resolved in quick enough time - but it made up her mind, to avoid any such issue/confusion in the future where the child is at risk.

It seems to me that by far the simplest way to avoid any such confusion/issue would be to give people who are caring for children mobile phone numbers rather than workplace telephone numbers.

pwurple

Dial Hard wrote: »

It seems to me that by far the simplest way to avoid any such confusion/issue would be to give people who are caring for children mobile phone numbers rather than workplace telephone numbers.

Not every workplace can have mobile phones. Labs, anyplace with powder in the atmosphere, IT people working in server rooms underground often have no signal.

eviltwin

Just give the correct name. No point giving a work number and your name as Mrs X when you are known there are as Ms Y. Why make things more difficult than they need to be?

foodaholic

My daughter has her fathers surname. I have travelled very frequently with her and it has never been an issue. And she has no problem with mammy and daddy having different surnames and she's only 3 !

Xdancer

I love the Spanish system. No one changes their name when they get married, so when a child is born they take both their father's and mother's paternal surname. So our daughter has both our surnames officially (non hyphenated). It's very handy. I would have hated her not having my name.
I wouldn't want to change my name either if we ever get married, so this system is win-win for me Makes it very easy for travelling too.

hoodwinked

Xdancer wrote: »

I love the Spanish system. No one changes their name when they get married, so when a child is born they take both their father's and mother's paternal surname. So our daughter has both our surnames officially (non hyphenated). It's very handy. I would have hated her not having my name.
I wouldn't want to change my name either if we ever get married, so this system is win-win for me Makes it very easy for travelling too.

and what happens when Brian Murphy O'Sullivan marries Eimear O'Donnell Lynch? and they want their child to have all their surnames???


i have no problem with double barrel surnames per se (as in some sound lovely, but others are a complete mouthful),i just feel it's madness that will lead to madness when the solution is simple, mothers surname or father surname decide on one and everyone stick to it, stop being selfish parents trying to have it "all" and ending up with the child who comes into me in the library apologising to us when we ask his name because it's double barrel and he is embarrassed by it...

zeffabelli

hoodwinked wrote: »

and what happens when Brian Murphy O'Sullivan marries Eimear O'Donnell Lynch? and they want their child to have all their surnames???


i have no problem with double barrel surnames per se (as in some sound lovely, but others are a complete mouthful),i just feel it's madness that will lead to madness when the solution is simple, mothers surname or father surname decide on one and everyone stick to it, stop being selfish parents trying to have it "all" and ending up with the child who comes into me in the library apologising to us when we ask his name because it's double barrel and he is embarrassed by it...

I can't stand them. My son has one [dad's idea-not mine] and its a pain in the ass tbh. Creates more problems then it solves. Wish I didn't agree to it.

eviltwin

zeffabelli wrote: »

I can't stand them. My son has one [dad's idea-not mine] and its a pain in the ass tbh. Creates more problems then it solves. Wish I didn't agree to it.

Give them the option of dropping one when they are old enough. That's what we did.

zeffabelli

eviltwin wrote: »

Give them the option of dropping one when they are old enough. That's what we did.

Yeah that's the theory allright, but I think its an unfair choice to place on an adult child. It creates unnecessary loyalty issues in split scenarios.

Imagine having to choose that while both your parents are still alive? Really unfair.

eviltwin

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yeah that's the theory allright, but I think its an unfair choice to place on an adult child. It creates unnecessary loyalty issues in split scenarios.

Imagine having to choose that while both your parents are still alive? Really unfair.

It doesn't have to be the case. Our eldest chose one name and made that choice herself. No pressure from us or emotional fall out as a result.

zeffabelli

eviltwin wrote: »

It doesn't have to be the case. Our eldest chose one name and made that choice herself. No pressure from us or emotional fall out as a result.

You guys are together no?

hoodwinked

eviltwin wrote: »

It doesn't have to be the case. Our eldest chose one name and made that choice herself. No pressure from us or emotional fall out as a result.

but if both parents are pushy enough to push for both surnames it stands to reason not everyone will be like you and one parent will be put out, no matter what they say/show to the child,

the only thing i could imagine is worse than how i felt at being different from my family is having to have chosen between their names, thats an awful thing to do to your own child.

this to me is a prime example of parents expecting their children to parent for them so to speak, it turns the relationship upside down and leaves the parental responsibility on the childs shoulders instead of where it should be on the parents.

eviltwin

zeffabelli wrote: »

You guys are together no?

Yes but I'd like to think if we weren't we'd still be mature about it

zeffabelli

eviltwin wrote: »

Yes but I'd like to think if we weren't we'd still be mature about it

It has nothing to do with how mature you are, it has to do with different anxieties growing up in a split home. There are already inherint loyalty issues, the name thing just adds to it.

I think it's a grotesque injustice to land on a child who already has to deal with split parents.

Just not ok. Essentially we are dumping our **** on him by it. Rather than taking the pilots chair over it, which really a parents job...starting with naming them.

tuisginideach

I kept my own surname on marriage. Children have their father's surname. Coming thru Passport Control at Dublin this week, I sailed through but my husband and (teenage) children who share same name were queried!

eviltwin

zeffabelli wrote: »

It has nothing to do with how mature you are, it has to do with different anxieties growing up in a split home. There are already inherint loyalty issues, the name thing just adds to it.

I think it's a grotesque injustice to land on a child who already has to deal with split parents.

Just not ok. Essentially we are dumping our **** on him by it. Rather than taking the pilots chair over it, which really a parents job...starting with naming them.

Assuming you break up which might never happen and a person who is going to be an arse over a name will be an arse over anything if they are that way inclined. In our case it's never been an issue having double barrel names or letting them drop one if and when they want. If other people have problems with the names that's for them to deal with.

jluv

I chose to keep my married surname when I divorced as I just really wanted my child and I to have the same surname/family name..glad I did.

LegacyUser

hoodwinked wrote: »

i know different circumstances cannot be helped, and don't get me wrong i don't blame my mother for believing each relationship would work and naming us after our dads, but knowing how i felt as a child, it's something i will try to avoid at all costs for my own if i can by keeping the one surname consistent.

I don't understand the logic here. You say you don't blame your mother for believing her relationships would work and for naming you and your siblings after your dad, but now you have done exactly the same thing and given your kids their dad's name!! God forbid sometime down the line your relationship doesn't work out and you end up with a new partner and have children with him (these things do happen!), your hypothetical new children will not have the same surname as your current children. If you really wanted to ensure that all possible future children have the same family name, then giving them your surname would have made more sense.

Xdancer

hoodwinked wrote: »

and what happens when Brian Murphy O'Sullivan marries Eimear O'Donnell Lynch? and they want their child to have all their surnames???

Well everyone has 2 surnames here and as standard the father's name is first mother's second. When that child has a child of their own, that baby will then have their father's 1st surname and their mother's 1st surname.

So let's say Jose Garcia Lopez and Maria Gonzalez Ponce have a baby that child will have the surnames Garcia Gonzalez, one from each parent.

I think it's a good way of doing it anyway.

CelticRambler

skallywag wrote: »

This point comes up from time to time, with the general consensus being that while it could be a problem in theory, nobody has ever actually encountered a personal example of an issue in reality.

Sorry to upset the general consensus but I have encountered this, first and secondhand. Mostly secondhand, where I've seen four sets of parent-and-child/ren pulled aside at airport ID checks. In every case it's been a mother travelling with her own children but travelling under a different name to theirs.

In my own case, I was travelling through the Channel Tunnel with someone else's daughter (my son's girlfriend) a few days before her 18th birthday. We were pulled to one side, myself and my son were told to stay in the vehicle while she was taken outside and interrogated (in the rain) by the UK officials for about twenty minutes.

Uno my Uno.

Xdancer wrote: »

Well everyone has 2 surnames here and as standard the father's name is first mother's second. When that child has a child of their own, that baby will then have their father's 1st surname and their mother's 1st surname.

So let's say Jose Garcia Lopez and Maria Gonzalez Ponce have a baby that child will have the surnames Garcia Gonzalez, one from each parent.

I think it's a good way of doing it anyway.

Don't all Spanish people have about 16 names as a result though? :P :P :P

IvyTheTerrible

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

Don't all Spanish people have about 16 names as a result though? :P :P :P

The post you quoted says the child only takes one name from each parent.

Queenalocin

I have never changed anything and 21 years on have never had a problem with children's names being different. Whenever I'm filled out forms for schools, sports etc I always put both of our names on sheets. I reckon kids have two parents, both of whom should be able to deal with emergencies and Mammy doesn't always need to be the first port of call.
Whether you change your name or stay the same, you should be consistent!

Xdancer

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

Don't all Spanish people have about 16 names as a result though? :P :P :P

Only 2 surnames, but some seem to have about 10 christian names alright