Wrong Therapist or is this just what they do?

Est28

Hey, just want to set a little background on this first.

In college a went to a college councellor, was having a hard time with a few things back then and thought it would help. He basically told me that all the things I said to him were in my head and said "What do you expect ME to do?". My family thought I was just not giving it a chance and set me up with another councellor... exact same thing. They just wanted me to talk and sit there and nod. I didn't understand it.

Now I've never been a fan since then but I know the usual take on this board for a wide variety of issues is to tell someone to go see a councellor/therapist and they will offer the help and ways to fix problems.

Now, I'm much older. A few things going on right now, nothing earth shattering but I spoke with family members. Same story, they would say nothing but to go talk to someone (I was... them!) but they've insisted. They and everyone I hear seem to think therapists are these magic people who offer instant solutions to all the worlds problems.

Now, I resisted for a while but said I would go and give it an honest and fair chance. I've spoken with someone now several time and it just goes in circles. They ask me the same generic questions over and over that they could ask anyone about any problem. It's the same questions over and over just rephrased. Anything I explain about the thing I want to discuss I'm asked "Why do YOU think that is...?", etc... Asking big broad life questions when I've no problems there, I'm generally in a good place in life, just have one issue which I kinda wanted to talk out with someone.

If I KNEW the answers I wouldn't be there?!?

The therapist in the last meeting I think could feel my frustration but keeps insisting that "next time" we'll discuss the issue but each time it's back to square one, same big broad life questions I'm answering over and over... but she insists she "needs to get to know me first" and keeps asking.

I feel at a loss... the fact this is the person who supposedly has all the answers as far as my family or anyone else is concerned, and I'm giving them every chance but I feel they are just using generic advice, asking ME to answer my own questions, avoiding the topic so they can do their generic routine which could apply to anyone. I feel more at a loss now about the issue than before.

People here ALWAYS advocate this. Do any of you have real experience of visiting someone and them genuinely helping you? I just have the feeling this is just what they do. They make money by milking your problem as long as possible and always promising the help will come "later", but it never does.

I'm being told I'm just not giving it a chance... any opinions? I'm just not understanding the point of it all.

The truth is that counsellors aren't miracle workers and the onus is always on you to make the revelations yourself. Their job is to aide this, not to show you how.

baby and crumble

The main thing to keep in mind here OP is that there are a number of different styles of counselling/ therapy. Some are very much guided discussions, the counsellor is there purely as a trained conduit to help you find out your own solutions to whatever problems you have. This is the kind of counselling I have attended in the past and found really really helpful. I like to come up with my own ways to fix my problems, I found it really empowering.

But there are other kinds of therapies which are more "task" oriented, like cognitive behavioural therapy which is more of a "doing" kind of therapy. Very often your therapist will give you a task or homework to do between sessions. I've also done that kind and I really didn't like it at all. I felt like I was being told what to do. Everyone is different.

I'd advise doing a bit of research into the different styles and finding someone doing the type you like the sound of. Usually (but not always) "counsellors" are the more talking kind, and "therapists" are the more "doing" kind. (That's a bit of a generalisation, but it might help)

Jimmy Bottlehead

Est28 wrote: »

Now, I resisted for a while but said I would go and give it an honest and fair chance. I've spoken with someone now several time and it just goes in circles. They ask me the same generic questions over and over that they could ask anyone about any problem. It's the same questions over and over just rephrased. Anything I explain about the thing I want to discuss I'm asked "Why do YOU think that is...?", etc... Asking big broad life questions when I've no problems there, I'm generally in a good place in life, just have one issue which I kinda wanted to talk out with someone.

If I KNEW the answers I wouldn't be there?!?

Those big broad life questions as to ascertain where you lie emotionally and mentally. Basically, mapping out your personality, tendencies, emotional flags, what sets you off, what your habits or defences may be, etc. Its rare that one problem is unrelated to everything else.

Est28 wrote: »

The therapist in the last meeting I think could feel my frustration but keeps insisting that "next time" we'll discuss the issue but each time it's back to square one, same big broad life questions I'm answering over and over... but she insists she "needs to get to know me first" and keeps asking.

As above, she's trying to figure out bit by bit who you are and what makes you tick... and how it'll relate to your actual problem when that part comes.

Bear in mind, most issues are not "one session talked out, all sorted". This isn't a flu you have - it's not a quick fix. You haven't said what your issue is, but chances are it'll take a little while at least to come to a resolution of some sort.

Est28 wrote: »

I feel at a loss... the fact this is the person who supposedly has all the answers as far as my family or anyone else is concerned, and I'm giving them every chance but I feel they are just using generic advice, asking ME to answer my own questions, avoiding the topic so they can do their generic routine which could apply to anyone. I feel more at a loss now about the issue than before.

Counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists are people too. When they go home, they have the same problems with partners, bills, kids, traffic, etc that the rest of us do. They're not miracle workers and they don't have all the answers.

Their role (as stated by boneyarsebogman) is to help YOU to help yourself. Nobody knows your life and situation as well as you do, and for them to make decisions for you is not respecting your power and responsibility.
They will help you understand yourself more, and help you empower yourself to resolve things.

I mean this in a positive fashion, but... you are not a child. You are not a dependent person. You are (I presume?) an adult, and you have power over your own actions and decisions. Your counsellor does not decide what happens in your life - YOU DO. They will simply help you to think clearer, and find your wisest self.

Est28 wrote: »

People here ALWAYS advocate this. Do any of you have real experience of visiting someone and them genuinely helping you? I just have the feeling this is just what they do. They make money by milking your problem as long as possible and always promising the help will come "later", but it never does.

I'm being told I'm just not giving it a chance... any opinions? I'm just not understanding the point of it all.

Yes I do have experience of this, and it does work. It may be a case of finding the RIGHT counsellor or psychologist... there are different types, and even within the same type, they are all different with their own approaches, experiences and personalities. You won't like them all, and they won't all work for you, but once you find the right one, it'll start to fall into place.

Est28

Ok thanks everyone. It's sounds like this is just how it is really.

Not meaning to slag off any therapist or anything, I'm just not really seeing the point of the current sessions.

I do understand them needing to "get to know me" but there's also a point where they've asked the same questions enough times and I'm paying to ask them to speak with me about an issue and they are unwilling.

If I went to a doctor about a flu, I wouldn't expect him to talk about my car repairs and then tell me come back next week and we'll discuss my flu.
There's a certain point where it's really the same generic conversation THEY want and probably have with everyone, over and over and an unwillingness to even let me discuss what I came and paid them to discuss.

And the "no quick fix" thing, well, it depends on the situation so that sounds like a cop out to make more money by returning visitors. If I had a flu the doc could give me some medicine and I'd be fine in a week. If I had some terminal illness it would be a long process. Right now I'm basically seeing the concellor to resolve something more like a flu. Just something I need advice on, nothing I need years of therapy for.

To use the doctor analogy again... I feel like if the therapist was a doctor and I went with my hand hanging off it'd be a conversation like this:
"Doctor, my hand is falling off, can you re-attach it?"
"Why do YOU think your hand is falling off?"
"I had an accident, I'm in pain, I need your help doctor"
"Well, why do YOU feel you NEED your hand attached? Is that how you see yourself? With two hands?"
"Yes doctor, my hand is important to do a lot of things, please help me?"
"Well, maybe if you didn't see your hand as a part of who you are, it wouldn't matter"
"Doctor! I'm bleeding to death here!"
"Are you? Why do you think that? Do you often *think* you are bleeding? Maybe it's just in your head. Do others see you this way or just you?"
"Doctor... Please!!"
"Ok, why don't you write down 10 things you are happy with in life which you don't need arms for... and we'll talk about it next week..."
"I can't write with no arms doctor!"
"Ok, next week... come back next week"

All this is probably just not for me... but I'm tired to death of listening to people and family telling me a therapist or councellor is the answer to every little thing. They INSIST upon it and see the profession as some sort of magic answer machine, which I don't feel it is.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Est28 wrote: »

Ok thanks everyone. It's sounds like this is just how it is really.

Not meaning to slag off any therapist or anything, I'm just not really seeing the point of the current sessions.

I do understand them needing to "get to know me" but there's also a point where they've asked the same questions enough times and I'm paying to ask them to speak with me about an issue and they are unwilling.

If I went to a doctor about a flu, I wouldn't expect him to talk about my car repairs and then tell me come back next week and we'll discuss my flu.
There's a certain point where it's really the same generic conversation THEY want and probably have with everyone, over and over and an unwillingness to even let me discuss what I came and paid them to discuss.

And the "no quick fix" thing, well, it depends on the situation so that sounds like a cop out to make more money by returning visitors. If I had a flu the doc could give me some medicine and I'd be fine in a week. If I had some terminal illness it would be a long process. Right now I'm basically seeing the concellor to resolve something more like a flu. Just something I need advice on, nothing I need years of therapy for.

To use the doctor analogy again... I feel like if the therapist was a doctor and I went with my hand hanging off it'd be a conversation like this:
"Doctor, my hand is falling off, can you re-attach it?"
"Why do YOU think your hand is falling off?"
"I had an accident, I'm in pain, I need your help doctor"
"Well, why do YOU feel you NEED your hand attached? Is that how you see yourself? With two hands?"
"Yes doctor, my hand is important to do a lot of things, please help me?"
"Well, maybe if you didn't see your hand as a part of who you are, it wouldn't matter"
"Doctor! I'm bleeding to death here!"
"Are you? Why do you think that? Do you often *think* you are bleeding? Maybe it's just in your head. Do others see you this way or just you?"
"Doctor... Please!!"
"Ok, why don't you write down 10 things you are happy with in life which you don't need arms for... and we'll talk about it next week..."
"I can't write with no arms doctor!"
"Ok, next week... come back next week"

All this is probably just not for me... but I'm tired to death of listening to people and family telling me a therapist or councellor is the answer to every little thing. They INSIST upon it and see the profession as some sort of magic answer machine, which I don't feel it is.

Have you said this to your current therapist?

baby and crumble

I get what you're saying op but tbh your Dr analogy is flawed. The mind and emotions cannot be fixed by another person, not really. Because they cannot see the issue (like your hand example) they have to rely on your experience of it to help you.

zeffabelli

It's been proven time and time again that its effectiveness depends on the chemistry between the two of you.

You may have to shop around for a while.

fizzypish

A brilliant post Est28. I can offer no good advice or help but I can give you sympathy (which is equally useless). Having a long difficult conversation with a therapist that physically hurts you to utter the words. You eventually successfully say it coherently and what happens? ****er looks at his watch and tells you to think about the session for next week. I have to go back to work now! Why do I go to these places if I leave feeling worse each time.

But yes, depending on how your wired, some therapies will work and some wont. Also some accreditation for being a councilor can be gotten after a year or so. Some take 4 years where the student has to face all there own demons before their assessor will let them within 10 feet of someone needing help.

Anyway... keep looking for what works for you and grind it out. Today could be ****, tomorrow could be **** but maybe in a week you'll be sitting outside with the sun in you face feeling a bit of Joie de vivre.

Raminahobbin

If talk therapy isn't working for you, try something else. At this moment, with the way you're thinking about it, it seems pointless to spend time and energy getting frustrated about talk therapy when you could be dealing with the problem in another way. Sometimes we can't hear what needs to be heard until we're ready to hear it, and you're not ready.

Research other forms of therapy- my own preference is always Traditional Chinese Medicine, but you might find something else.

emuhead

Est28 wrote: »

People here ALWAYS advocate this. Do any of you have real experience of visiting someone and them genuinely helping you? I just have the feeling this is just what they do. They make money by milking your problem as long as possible and always promising the help will come "later", but it never does.

I'm being told I'm just not giving it a chance... any opinions? I'm just not understanding the point of it all.

Yes, I've had therapy which was helpful but it was definately trial and error. I started with a child and adolescent psychiatrist in my teens and I've seen the gamut of therapies and therapists! I'm grand for many years now so there is hope for all! Getting on and rapport is very important and if you don't trust they really want to help you, it would be important to articulate that to them.

As other posters have said, some therapies are better matched to specific issues. I wonder would it help if you set dates with your therapist to review where you are with it? It might give you a sense of more control over the process. It also sounds like you referred yourself direct - it might be worth asking your GP for recommendations as to which type of therapy / therapist might be most suitable for you. Mods, apologies if that is medical advice.

TizTaly2015

Raminahobbin wrote: »

If talk therapy isn't working for you, try something else.

This I agree wholeheartedly with. If therapy is doing nothing for you, look around for other alternatives.

I have three friends who swear running saved their lives. I did therapy myself on and off for years and it was my last therapist who was the best - the rest were meh. She was more like a friend who was straight up with me and made me verbalise everything that was going on inside me - no matter how big or small. But I had to shop around before I found her.

Therapy is not for everyone. Don't feel like there is something different about you if it doesn't work. You'll find your outlet. Take care OP.