Best friend situation

Fonze07

Just a quick question regarding my best friend. We have been friends for nearly 8 years now. I have had feelings for her in the past but she has since gone on to be married. Anyway I asked her on Facebook a week before my birthday celebrations would she be coming along. She never answered this question for the whole week. A week later a few hours before my party she messaged to ask what was the plan. I just told her how pissed off I was at why she couldn't answer a single question when I had initially asked her. We haven't spoken since then and that is coming up to nearly 2 weeks now. I miss her but I don't think I did anything wrong here so wondering should I message her or just leave it. I don't even know what I would say anyway.

MrWalsh

Are you saying you had romantic feelings for her in the past? Are you fully past those feelings?

It doesnt really sound like you are best friends tbh, are you sure you are both on the same page regarding the status of your friendship? I wouldnt consider it normal to be ignored for a week by a best friend and then go on to ignore them for a further 2 weeks. Or maybe this is how you conduct your friendship?

On the face of it I agree that you have not done anything wrong. It also annoys me when people dont have the basic courtesy to respond to a simple text message. No one is so busy that they cant send a "ok see you there" or "cant make it, will explain later" type of message back to an invitation.

But I think that some people view text messages differently, as though they are some other level of contact that it is ok to ignore. I take it that after you told her you were pissed off she didnt go to the party at all?

Rather than focus on who is right or wrong, have a think about what you want going forward. Do you want a friendship with someone who thinks its ok to ignore messages that are important to you? And who furthermore who isnt interested in contacting you to resolve the issue?

Miaireland

You said that you asked her on facebook. Did you send her a pm or did you just post it to her page? Are you sure that she saw the message?

To be honest I think you over reacted. You do not know if she got the message, maybe she sent a reply and you did not get it or maybe she saw it and forgot to reply. At the end of the day it was a text about a birthday celebration not about some serious issue. If it was that important to you, you should have picked up the phone and rang her.

Would you have reacted in the same way to other friends who you did not have feelings for? I personally think you over reacted and you should phone your friend and offer an apology.

Fonze07

Thanks Mr Walsh. No, she didn't come to party after that disagreement. I do need to think long and hard if I need a friend like that in my life.

As for the other post, I sent her a PM and it lets you know when the other person has seen it so I do know that she got it and read it. I don't see why a simple question can't be answered no matter how important it is. A whole week and nothing.

Your response that I should ring her and apologise is in my opinion laughable. What have I got to apologise for may I ask. I just told her how annoyed I was that she couldn't answer a simple message and chose to ignore it. I didn't say anything out of order.

Fonze07

Ps yes I would have reacted the same way no matter which of my friends it was

It sounds like a bit of an overreaction on your part to be honest OP, our birthdays aren't up top on the importance list to most other people.
She asked you what the plan was, you snapped at her, so she left it
I'd also be in the apologise for overreacting camp, and go out with her and do something else together to celebrate

Raminahobbin

Was it something you had a book, and needed numbers for? If not, and it was just a get together, then I think you're being unreasonable.

It could have been as simple as she didn't know what she was doing on that day, a week in advance- maybe there was something else she had sort of committed to in her mind but wasn't sure if it was happening or not.

It's probably just a simple case of two different styles of planning from two different types of people: go with the flow v have everything organised and decided in advance. Unless it was something that you needed to know numbers for, I think you should just allow for the fact that organising group activities means mixing different types of people together, and- really- what harm was done here? She didn't reply to a FB message? God I'd have no friends left if people expected me to get back to them on everything ASAP. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. For this to be spanning beyond MAYBE a quick word about why she didn't get back to you (if even that) is beyond ridiculous.

duffman13

Massive over reaction, she might have thought she replied and didn't. I think the fact you had feelings could have played a part in your over reaction. She was making the effort to go, why not just ask her when you see her in person why she left it so late to get back to you.

Oryx

Have you ever argued like this before?

MrWalsh

Did she respond at all when you called her out on ignoring the original message?

Even if she did intend on going, it would have been fairly basic courtesy to let you know one way or another in the preceding week and not just be asking you the plan a few hours before. It's not nice if you're planning a night out and people just don't respond. It's rude.

Magico Gonzalez

Do you have a partner OP, like a significant other? To be honest if someone who I knew had feelings for my wife was pestering her about attending her birthday and getting upset and flustered with her for not responding my first thought would be "this guy isn't over this"

I think your behaviour is inappropriate for a married friend, especially where you had romantic notions in the past.

Sounds like she is putting a little bit of distance between you, probably correctly. Her "best friend" now is more than likely her husband, you're at very best her second priority in terms of someone to spend time with.

Back off, move on. When you see her, be friendly, but this relationship sounds like it isn't doing you any favours.

Magico Gonzalez

You simply cannot be "best friends" with someone you have had romantic feelings for once they marry.

You're dealing with some strong negative emotions there, rejection, suspicion, frustration, awkwardness.

No good can come of that.

endacl

Fonze07 wrote: »

Your response that I should ring her and apologise is in my opinion laughable. What have I got to apologise for may I ask. I just told her how annoyed I was that she couldn't answer a simple message and chose to ignore it. I didn't say anything out of order.

Jeez, you sound like hard work! Maybe that's why your friend is a little distant? Perhaps an apology to the poster who took the time to give a considered response to your question wouldn't go amiss either...?

Fonze07

Never argued like this before no.

As Mr Walsh said I do just think it's basic courtesy to let me know. It's not as if I was expecting an immediate reply but to not hear anything for a week is downright rude and I let her know this. What's wrong with that?

Yes, I have a girlfriend at the moment

jimmycrackcorm

Fonze07 wrote: »

Never argued like this before no.

As Mr Walsh said I do just think it's basic courtesy to let me know. It's not as if I was expecting an immediate reply but to not hear anything for a week is downright rude and I let her know this. What's wrong with that?

Yes, I have a girlfriend at the moment

You could have simply told her what the plans were when she did ask just before the party and have her come instead of throwing a strop. Of the two of you, your actions have been the least friend-like.

Big Bag of Chips

So of all the responses you got, you're focussing on the one who agrees with you and dismissing everyone else? I'll admit, I'm terrible at replying to people. My friend often jokes that she'll give me 4 days after she sends me a text and if she hasn't heard from me then she'll ring my family to see if I'm alive! People have access to so much on their phones these days. I might often read a message on my phone on-the-go and mean to reply at a later more appropriate time, and then completely forget!

Was this a big birthday? Were you booking a table? Were you depending on numbers and had counted her out? I can see (a little) why you might be annoyed, but I think you completely over reacted. But then again I personally would have just replied to her message saying "heading to x place at y time". I tend not to get too worked up about others. I'm busy and sometimes forget to reply to people or can't/don't want to go out. I assume others are similar and don't worry myself about small instances that won't matter this time next week.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Oh Facebook again, If I had a euro for every time I read that Facebook was responsible for some type of row, misunderstanding or bad feeling on this forum I'd be rich. I have never had Facebook and never will. If a friend wants to invite me to a birthday or such celebration they have to go to the trouble of ringing me, where I will give them an instant answer and a situation like this would not apply.

I think its quite sad that a person is debating terminating a long term friendship because they didn't receive a reply on social media.

Fonze07

Thank you everybody for their responses. It's much appreciated.

Must just be me thinking it's rude not to reply. As I said I wasn't expecting an instant response from her but to hear nothing for a whole week when I was making plans is very rude. Just my opinion.

But seems like I over reacted by just being honest with her by telling her how it got to me. Will apologise so.

Stavro Mueller

Must just be me thinking it's rude not to reply. As I said I wasn't expecting an instant response from her but to hear nothing for a whole week when I was making plans is very rude. Just my opinion.

I think your friend should have replied but there may not be anything sinister or rude about why she didn't. I'm usually pretty good at replying to things but sometimes I genuinely forget. Worse still is when I think I've replied but it's only a figment of my imagination.

The thing is, she's married now and I'm not sure she views you as her best friend any more. You've been bumped down her list of priorities. She possibly didn't see your birthday as important enough to reply to. She might have assumed you knew she was going because of your longstanding friendship.

I wonder was your anger at this perceived sleight fuelled by your feelings towards her? You could've easily written this PI without mentioning that you had had feelings for her in the past.

Big Bag of Chips

Fonze07 wrote: »

but to hear nothing for a whole week when I was making plans is very rude. Just my opinion.

But seems like I over reacted by just being honest with her by telling her how it got to me. Will apologise so.

We are all different, and what wouldn't bother some people too much is a huge deal for others. You are entitled to your feelings. Others are entitled to theirs. If you honestly believe the bit I've bolded then that's what you believe. The bit about it "seems like I over reacted by just being honest" is really passive aggressive. If you don't think you were wrong, why are you apologising?

If you think she was rude, then you think she was rude. Maybe you could apologise for snapping at her, but still letting her know that you felt she was really rude by not getting back to you. Maybe something to think about for future is once we become adults our birthdays don't really matter all that much to others. It's just another night out for them, and one that mightn't be top of their priority list.

Maybe it's just this incident and you're obviously still annoyed by it, and that is affecting how you are coming across, but if I'm being honest you are coming across as a bit "high maintenance" and most adult people have enough going on in their lives to be putting up with sulks from other adults.

Again, I apologise if this is off the mark and I don't mean to take a dig at you. But reading from the outside you seem determined to be hard done by here, when maybe that wasn't her intention at all. Apologise for snapping at her, but let her know you thought it was rude of her not to reply for a whole week.

Fonze07

Thanks Big bag of chips. Means a lot that you took time out to reply. I miss her

prettyrestless

Fonze07 wrote: »

Thanks Big bag of chips. Means a lot that you took time out to reply. I miss her

Have you spoken to her since? Regardless of who was right or wrong in this situation, it might be a good idea to break the ice and call/text her to see how she is and have a chat.

Fonze07

prettyrestless wrote: »

Have you spoken to her since? Regardless of who was right or wrong in this situation, it might be a good idea to break the ice and call/text her to see how she is and have a chat.

No, haven't spoken to her since. What would I say to her and would I even mention the disagreement?

Stavro Mueller

I think an apology would go a long way but at the same time you'd want to be careful you don't put your foot in it. You sound like your nose is still out of joint over this so it might not take much for you to take the "It's rude not to reply" road again and make it worse. After all, it's only yesterday that you were getting annoyed at another poster who suggested you ring her and apologise. So yeah, be careful.

I think an apology along the lines of "I'm sorry I bit your head off. I was having a bad day/was trying to finalise numbers" should be enough. It is a version of the truth. I don't think you should leave it much longer before calling though. The longer the pair of you don't speak, the harder it will be to extend the hand of friendship.

Fonze07

I text her just asking how she was and had she any news

Minderbinder

i think your friend didn't want to commit to going so waited until the day of the party to decide. maybe it is rude but you need to understand married people have other priorities. i think if you'd called her she could have been more open about things and you wouldn't have been sitting there all week getting angrier.

you don't really know what's going on in her marriage also . did you extend the invitation to her husband by the way?

LegacyUser

Minderbinder wrote: »

i think your friend didn't want to commit to going so waited until the day of the party to decide. maybe it is rude but you need to understand married people have other priorities. i think if you'd called her she could have been more open about things and you wouldn't have been sitting there all week getting angrier.

you don't really know what's going on in her marriage also . did you extend the invitation to her husband by the way?

They're both really good points, that I hadn't thought of when reading the OP's posts. I tend to be a texter rather than caller - but I guess a text/FB message is more black & white, as in are you going or not, rather than enabling a chat about it, where the circumstances could be talked about. And how true re whether the husband was included - maybe she felt awkward, because the FB message was just directed to her (in view of the past history).

I think you did right by contacting her OP, she might be still smarting from your overreaction though, you may need to send a follow up text (or call!) just saying to her that you reacted in an over the top way, and saying sorry for that.

GaryTLynch

I think the lesson here is 'To assume makes an ass of ''u'' and me'. You assumed she was ignoring you and she may have assumed that you took it as a given that she intended to go. I think she may have genuinely forgot to reply and thought it wouldn't be a big deal as she intended to go anyway (which seems to be the case given that she contacted you on the day to ask you what the plan was). These things happen, crossed wires I guess. Perhaps it would have been the courteous thing to do to reply to you in a more timely fashion. But perhaps when she did contact you, you could have just told her when and where you were meeting and had a good night together. Best thing to do now is clear the air and put it behind you.