Thinking of going down the seperation / divorce route

LegacyUser

I've been married for 13 years and we have one child. We haven't had a proper marriage in over 7 years due to serious illness on his side. This was something I accepted as being necessary at the time, with us having a child, mortgage etc, also I would like to believe in my marriage vows.

Anyway over the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly stressful, we have had lots of bereavements in the family on both sides. I am stressed, a little depressed and anxious as a result of these as well as the relationship problems. I have tried to get him to see we have a problem, but he says things will get better and we just need to try harder. Well this doesn't seem to be happening, and there have been many, many attempts at getting him to accept we have a problem.

About a year ago, he struck up a friendship with a girl at work, I didn't know about her, but found emails from her when he asked me to sort out his computer. He isn't very computer literate, I don't think he asked me in order for me to see these.
It was clear from the emails that she found him very attractive and he thought it was more of a friendship. We had a huge argument and he promised to stop all contact.

Fast forward 12 months, and this 'friendship' is back happening. I don't know if they've been talking over the 12 months, but things have become very overt on her part. We use the same computer which is how I know about these things. He agreed that I could look at his emails if I wanted to, I haven't been. But spotted her name when he left his account logged in, so I looked - I know I shouldn't but I guess I'm looking for a way out that would not be down to me giving up - if that makes any sense.

The thing is I have had enough of pretending that we have a good relationship and want to start to consider all my options. I'm not in a position at the moment to start any proceedings as I am currently not working but am hoping to be after the summer.

I don't want either of us to be in a position where we are struggling financially, and I am more than happy to do this as easily and amicably as possible.

I just don't have anyone I can ask for advice or help, as the only divorced people I know are his family. I don't have any family here in Ireland,

Can someone help me to start gathering information on what I need to be doing, to be able to start this process.

Apologies for the long post.

LegacyUser

That's a lot you've both had on your plate for quite some time and, it seems, very little support around you. Would you think of trying marriage counselling as a first step? Even the best of relationships need the right support and I can't see that you have anything to lose.

If you do commit to ending the marriage, I'd suggest legal advice should be at the top of your list before you take another step.

Good luck, I hope things look up for you soon.

Neyite

The problem with relationships is that it takes the effort of two people to make it work properly. He's checked out emotionally, and you sound exhausted and defeated. He is having what is pretty much an inappropriate friendship with a woman knowing its detrimental to his marriage almost in plain sight. An emotional affair maybe? He sounds like a coward, maybe he wants you to be the one to call a halt to the marriage, making you the Bad Guy. Hey SHE left ME! If so, don't believe that for a second. By resuming this friendship/whatever, he knew what the potential fallout would be and what it would do to his marriage.

Get a grasp on your financials - put together an overview of mortgage, savings, assets, debts etc and talk to a solicitor who specialises in divorce or family law if possible. Once you know your entitlements, and obligations in a separation, you can arrange mediation to sort out your separation / custody arrangements as amicably as possible.

There is a Separation & Divorce Forum here. Posters cant offer you legal advice, but can tell you about their divorce/separation process - what forms and processes might be involved, things that would be useful for you to know, and support you and help you with the non-legal stuff that you'll encounter along the way.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words. I'm going to see my college counsellor soon hopefully. I think it will help just to verbalise things.

Think at the moment, it is just going to be a case of fact gathering and knowing my rights and what I need to do. We have a family holiday booked for July and I don't want to spoil it for my little boy.
Thanks again

Crets

If you were to get divorced you need to feel that you did all you could have to make the marriage work. Its really rough being divorced as anyone will tell you. It's difficult to find someone else and hard with kids on your own. Just be sure you dont expect too much of a green always greener on the other side of the fence type thing with your marriage. Every relationship has it's ups and downs. Be sure so you don't have to deal with regret or guilt later. I speak from experience

LegacyUser

Thanks, I think things have really passed the point of no return. He was made clear last year that if things started back up with this girl, it would be all over.

it is clear that the feelings are reciprocated between the two of them, however he has said nothing can happen because he is married. I suppose I should be grateful for that!?

However I am so stressed, exhausted and fed up that I just have totally shut down. I don't really want to talk to him or deal with him, however I am having to pretend that everything is okay. He doesn't know that I know - yet.. I think I need to wait until after my final assignments are in before I open that can of worms.