friend who twists words - what to say :/

qwerty1991

Sorry this is gonna be long - I have a group of about 6 good friends, one has been kinda annoying everyone for the last year due to her spoiled behavior (we are 25 BTW). This girl, let's call her Sarah, insists everything is her way and when we tell her she is wrong she will call her parents/sister and cry and pretend to be a victim even though she may have been roaring shouting at us a few minutes before that. Most of the group are trying to distance themselves from her at this stage but she would have always been a bit closer to me.

Recently I was asked by my sister to go travelling in about 6 months time, just for 3 weeks in Asia. One of the group, let's call her Mary was also asked by her cousin as her cousin and my sister all happen to be good friends too. So during the week me and Mary contacted each other, said we would go and booked flights. Nothing else, we haven't even decided our itinerary or anything. We are tagging along with our relatives.

Literally 2 days after booking our flights we were meeting up back home, all 6 of us, to go out. So when we met up on Saturday night I said to the girls we had booked flights, would they come with us for the trip. Now everyone said no but they would love to and to have a good time except Sarah.

Sarah had previously told all of us that she was going on hols to Spain in October with her other friends for a wedding and wouldn't be able to afford a girly holiday with us this year. But the minute she was asked about the trip to Asia, she started giving out saying we had gone behind her back and planned a girly holiday without her, she would never do that to us. Suddenly she would be able to afford a trip that would cost quadruple a girly holiday to Spain. She was roaring at me in the pub, it was embarrassing. It was that bad that others in the pub who we didn't know we're telling her to stop shouting at us.

Now I have gotten a load of passive aggressive texts saying she thought we were friends, and how she hoped I realise how drunk I was and how some people can't handle their drink and she is waiting for an apology and also still how age would never plan a holiday without consulting us but she hopes we enjoy it.

On a side note 2 others in our group arranged a trip to Dubai to visit a friend who has been out there for 3 years and also got this treatment but they didn't even ask Sarah on the trip as she is so bad at this stage. She never once mad an effort to organise a trip but was angry when these 2 girls arranged one and didn't ask her, even though she has told them multiple times about this Spain wedding and how she couldn't afford anything else.

This is so petty and embarrassing... I'm sorry, at our age shouting in our local pub, I was drunk but I wasnt drunk enough not to be ashamed. However now I don't know what to say back. I can't just ignore it but she is a master of manipulation and I am worried that she will twist what we say to her.

She has managed to book a holiday with a different group of friends to us, tell us that she couldn't afford to go on holidays with us because of it and then be asked to go on holidays with us even though we weren't invited to her holiday And start shouting and roaring at us in the pub. After this she is still the victim and I can't deal with this teenage drama at my age.

This is probably the pettiest situation I have been in but if anyone has friends like Sarah they will understand. I really don't know what to say back to her because I know she will NEVER be wrong. HELP!!

MrWalsh

Why do you invite her out to the pub with ye at all? If she cant behave in a civilised manner in public then why socialise with her?

LegacyUser

Why are you calling her a friend? A friend is not just someone you've known for a long time, a friend is someone you makes your life better, you have each other's interests at heart, but she doesn't seem to fit that description. It can be extremely difficult to let go of misplaced loyalty and lose a "friend", but I think you'll have to. If you drop her, ignore her, don't tell her plans etc, anyone who knows her will understand.
If you decide to maintain the relationship, start calling her out on this stuff, no reason to put up with it. Tell her to **** right off as soon as she starts and I'll bet you get support from all corners. And stop worrying about what other people will hear from her when she twists words, they all know what she's like by now and will ignore her or assume the opposite of whatever she says is true.

If this is how she's always been, she has done nothing to earn soft handling and she can deal with the consequences of her behaviour by growing up or ending up with no friends, whichever comes to pass is her issue to deal with.

Penny Tration

Why would you say anything at all back to her?

Seriously? She's not a friend. She's a demanding, narcissistic, loudmouthed cow.

Just delete her number, block her on social media, and never respond to her again, unless you're happy to continue being humiliated publicly.

qwerty1991

Hi guys, thanks for your replies and although I agree with u, trust me that it is a situation where would rather not delete her and move on. I'm from a small town and my family and her family would see each other a lot. I know some people probably won't understand that. But don't worry I am distancing myself from now.

I am looking for advice on how I should handle replying to her given the situation. As much as I would like to, I would rather not have advice on blocking her from my life.

Timberrrrrrrr

qwerty1991 wrote: »

Hi guys, thanks for your replies and although I agree with u, trust me that it is a situation where would rather not delete her and move on. I'm from a small town and my family and her family would see each other a lot. I know some people probably won't understand that. But don't worry I am distancing myself from now.

I am looking for advice on how I should handle replying to her given the situation. As much as I would like to, I would rather not have advice on blocking her from my life.

Every time she starts just tell her to stop acting like a child and walk away, seriously if she is going to act like a 3 year old having a tantrum then you need to treat her like a 3 year old having a tantrum. As long as she gets attention/reaction from you and your friends then she will continue. It may mean walking away from her and having no contact with her until she sees the error of her ways. You would honestly be better of without someone as manipulative as this in your life.

MrWalsh

Unfortunately if you entertain her at all by saying anything back to her you are just fuelling her need for attention and brattish behaviour. This is someone who thrives on the drama and attention of it all. Your best bet is to completely ignore her. Saying anything is like keeping a game of tennis going, silence drops the ball and the game stops.

But who wants to be in a situation where some lunatic is screaming at them in a pub? Id leave.

Teyla Emmagan

Don't block her from your life then. But at the same time don't respond to any of her texts about the trip. Don't get sucked into it with her. Just be grateful that you are going and she isn't going with you. It doesn't matter what sort if crazy she has going on in her head over that or what she tells anyone. You said she's a master manipulator, then don't get pulled in. She obviously thrives on drama so starve her of it and she will get bored. She only pulls this because it works on you. Just ignore her. And if she tries to cause a scene again just walk away from her, even if it means leaving the pub.

ElleEm

If you respond, you are going to end up more frustrated with her as the situation will go around in circles. I understand that blocking her may cause more drama, so just don't respond to that message. No matter what you say, she isn't going to hear it. You know her best. Think of the texts you may send her, and I am sure you can guess her responses. If she asks in person why you didn't reply, just tell her there was no point getting into it as you wouldn't be apologising/ agree to disagree, etc. This little spat may allow you to pull back with minimal drama from her.

lolly28

Qwerty1991 i feel for you and your friends. I've been in this situation about 4 years ago. There was 6 of us in the group. She was hard work and everything we did had to take into consideration her and what her thoughts on it were. But we enabled her to do that. We were all on holiday together and it just erupted between her and us. The day we arrived home we all got a text from her saying that "maybe" she was in the wrong for her actions and that could we still be friends?

As harsh as it may seem myself and 2 of the others didn't reply, we walked away from the situation as it had gotten so bad. We all live in a smallish town, all went to college together and would pass each other on the street. The other two replied and said we can still be friends but they never actually saw each other again.

Looking back on it, it was the best thing we ever did, not only for all 5 of us but for her too. Now she has new friends and a better outlook on life. She was demanding and narcissistic and needed to speak to someone about her actions and unkind words. She had severe mental issues at the time and now she can see that it was the right thing to do.

If you aren't prepared to walk away, then distance yourself, stop replying to every message she sends, don't ask her out to the pub, if she is somewhere in public with you and acts like that again, walk away or laugh at her, make her know that they way she is acting is completely ridiculous.
Be blunt - if she is acting like a spoiled child - tell her.

The reality is that you and your friends are enabling her to act like this.

Vojera

OP, life is too short to have people like this bringing you down.

I know it's easier said than done, but take the advice of the previous posters and just stop engaging with her when she behaves like this. She is not being a friend to you. There are no positives to keeping her around and allowing her to treat you like this. If she starts screaming and shouting, tell her you aren't going to respond to her until she stops acting like a child. If she carries on like she did in the pub, be brave enough to get up and walk away. Hopefully when the rest of the group see you are taking a stand, they'll follow suit.

Neyite

Ignore the texts for starters. They are designed to goad you into replying and to get a reaction so that she has more ammunition.

In person, be politely cool with her. You don't have to ignore her, or get into a row with her, but this way its clear that the argument has affected your friendship and that bridges need to be built. If she brings it up again, or tries to, don't get sucked into the discussion. "You've made it clear how you feel in your texts, I'm not discussing this with you." Or "I don't believe I have anything to apologise for, I'm not discussing this. This discussion is over"

You do need to walk away if she starts shouting. To sit there while she is ranting like a sitting duck is very passive, and giving her the impression that you are a walkover. Do the others in the group feel similar about her?

LynnGrace

Ignore the texts, seriously. As others have said, you can probably already predict how they will go, if you do reply. Maybe she will begin to realise, one day, that actions have consequences, and treating people badly will result in them not wanting to socialise or do any of the usual 'friend' stuff with her.

Really, she is the one who should feel embarrassed, about roaring in the local pub. I know you have said blocking her out isn't an option, due to families knowing each other, and so on, but I definitely would be cooling off, in terms of meeting up etc. I wouldn't be mentioning holiday plans to her, in future, either, because first of all, this was her response, on this occasion, and secondly, would you really want to be stuck, far away from home, with someone carrying on like this?

Lastly, don't forget lots of people will have already seen through her. It can be hard to remember that when you are in the middle of a situation like this.

Enjoy your holiday!

K_P

As others have said, if completely cutting her out of your life isn't possible, you can still disengage from her. Don't respond to her texts, she's just trying to rile you. Don't include her in plans for holidays, nights out or indeed anything. If you're on a night out and she happens to be there, then be as polite to her as you can be, but don't actively engage with her. You can be friendly without drawing her into your life. It'll involve having to be alert to how you are around her and what you say as well as changing what are probably fairly ingrained ways of behaving around her, but it will be worth it to not have this kind of headwrecking nonsense in your life.

It looks like your other friends are looking to distance themselves from her too so you probably won't come up against too much resistance on this front.

LegacyUser

Cut her out of you life. You can bet your life she will hook with some unfortunate guy and she won't be long about cutting the rest of you out of her life. High maintenance idiots like this bint are not worth having in your life.

sashafierce

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Lux23

I would tell her to F Off, no time for that kind of crap. Sometimes we are hurt by our friends' actions and rightly so, but this one sounds like a spoiled madam who needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her!

s15r330

That is not a friend plain and simple. Get rid!

coolcat63

This is a best handled with a 'kill with kindness' approach. When she starts, turn round and say "of course we'd love you to come, it's just that you've said soooo many times that you've got other plans for the summer. That's fantastic - go ahead and book the same flight as us". Enlist the help of the rest of the gang so that you're all saying the same thing.

Big Bag of Chips

qwerty1991 wrote: »

...... I know she will NEVER be wrong. HELP!!

Well there you go. It doesn't matter what you say. She will always spin it to suit her agenda. The most frustrating thing for anyone looking to start/continue a fight is silence. You can't argue with someone who won't argue back. Anyone who does ends up looking like a lunatic.

She'll always be the victim. Even if you point out her ridiculous behaviour, she will have only acted like that because of what someone else did/said.

Just ignore her. You don't have to block her our, but you certainly don't have to engage with her or get sucked into her drama. Everyone around you sees her for what she is. Nobody really wants to be around her. If you are too afraid /loyal to tell her to F off until she can behave like an adult, then you have to accept that you are giving her permission to treat you like this.

She's not going to stop, unless you put a stop to it.

JustAThought

We'd a friend exactly like t hat - small community - couldn't avoid her, everyone knew everyone situation . Over time almost everyone dropped Her - they just stopped inviting her, having her over, being available , replying to calls and messages. Eventually I was the only one left - it became a disaster . I eventually pleaded super busy work & just quickly dropped her - no apologies or lengthy explanations . Best thing I ever did for myself . After about 18 months she was in a car accident and I visited out of sympathy & got sucked in again - it quickly became clear she was a needy self centred totally selfish egotist - and after a few months of her petulance, selfishness and utter disinterest in anything in my life I quietly told her I was busy, and remained busy, I was not available and I remain busy and unavailable. The caLm and peace in my life is bliss . She has now moved into another best buddy who she feeds off to suite her needs. I am happy, occasionally wave at her and move quickly on,, and don't miss anytime from that " friendship' - it was all one sided , she wanted wanted, wanted & took unremittingly. I feel liberated And free - my friendships with others remain solid with intermittant ups and downs - I never miss her or feel guilty - she was a total user, never happy unless her drama or misery was the Spotlight and was simply a very self centred and selfish person.

With regard to this girl I get the impression you would prefer not to have her with you on tour trip. If challenged you could simply say it was something you planned together , that you are sorry she feels excluded, but you prefer to keep the arrangement the way they are.
If pressed you can stand by that one sentence all night with impunity, If she forces it you could say that you think that dynamic will work better & that you want a calm holiday & no confrontation. If she keeps at it you can stop with silence and a stare & simply say that you think the holiday will be less confrontational without her in the group. That should give her the heads up about both her behaviour and how it reflects on her options. Don't let yourself be bullied or embarrassed into asking her. If she's his bad here, how Awful could she be in 38'C heat sleeping in a dorm , on a budget and having to compromise on lots if other Things she migh want to do that don't suite the group.

Rosie Rant

Give her this advice - "Cop on. Get over yourself. If you keep acting like this you will alienate yourself completely from everyone you are supposed to care about. You can't keep treating people like sh*t and expect to have everything your way. You are not the centre of the universe. Your friends are not extras in the story of your life. Grow up, you're 25 now, act your age. I will not take this ridiculous childish crap from you anymore. Treat me with the respect I deserve or I will wash my hands of you."

MikeSD

We had a friend like that for a good while. Then one night we all went out without him and sent him a group photo of us on Snapchat of us all out.
He hasn't gone near us since.

MaroonAndGreen

She sounds totally narcissistic, seriously look it up, narcissistic personality disorder. I'd bet you anything that's what's wrong!

MaroonAndGreen

I have experience with narcissistic people and I'm afraid that in my experience it can't be cured, they ALWAYS believe they are right. They crave power and praise etc, and try to belittle others to get it (basically why she tried to claim you were very drunk, to put herself in the position of power in the argument) I've seen it a 1000 times.

I'd be surprised if narcissism isn't the problem cos it really sounds like it.

Solution :

The only thing to do is cut away from them. It will improve your life

LegacyUser

sashafierce wrote: »

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Sorry Sash, I really disagree with this. The 'friend' is toxic, I think you would be just pandering to her awful abusive behaviour by following this approach OP. In my experience (of course just from my own point of view) there's always a reason that someone is being left out, whether just incompatibility as people get older - or bad behaviour like being a user, or causing hassle. Your 'friend' is only a friend in name - she is horrible to you. Life is too short to tolerate that cr*p from people. Cut her out, and get on with being happy. I bet you will be far happier once you dump this life sapping person. You don't have to be mean about it, as others said, simply make yourself less available, but please don't reassure her that you want to be her friend - that's validating her sh*tty behaviour, and giving her the green light to carry on being a horrible self centred person who dumps all over you.

I don't doubt that the advice above comes from a good place - maybe because in some cases that I'm not used to, the gang of friends are the mean ones, who exclude people for no good reason - but that clearly isn't the case in this instance.

Cut her loose and watch yourself be happier OP. You've done your time with her - time to think of yourself in future.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I've had people like that in my life before, the only option really is to disengage and cut them out. I know you might feel like there's some magical way of explaining the situation to her, some secret code of a reply that will make her see it in a different light, but there isn't. Like you say yourself, she's ALWAYS right. The external facts don't matter, she will move the goalposts, drag in other issues, start shouting, do whatever it takes to frame the situation as one where you're apologising even if you both know she's wrong.

It's her that has go through life with that horrible personality though, you can walk away. She might change, she probably won't, and she definitely won't if she's surrounded by people who are putting up with her crap. I'd bet dollars to donuts that in a couple of years she'll have burnt all immediately available bridges and have moved to another group of friends or even another area to get a brand new set of bridges, I've seen it happen plenty times. The people who have removed toxic people like this from their lives NEVER say "I wish I'd given her another chance", it's ALWAYS "I should have cut her out ages ago".

Ignore the texts. If and when you see her again and she challenges you, say you think there's no point continuing the conversation as she's made herself perfectly clear. If she starts shouting tell her you would not talk to her like that and you're not going to tolerate her talking to you like that. If she keeps it up, walk away. If she's roaring at people in the pub and the place is as small as you say, I'd imagine most people have a fair idea what she's like and they're not going to believe her 'poor little me, they're all so mean' guff.

sashafierce

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sashafierce

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