should I make contact or leave alone

LegacyUser

I am in my late 30s and have been single for long time. I was friends with a woman for a couple of years and was strictly platonic. We spent alot of time with each other most evenings and weekends. We often flirted and knew we both liked each other more than friends.

One day we finally kissed which took me by complete surprise but I Was thrilled and really happy. The next few weeks we became very physical and decided to start seeing each other. My friend then wanted to take things slowly as she has been hurt in the past and I Fully accepted as to be honest without saying it to her, I was thinking the same regarding my own situation.

However, I was then getting mixed signals about the whole idea of seeing each other and it was getting a little bit frustrating so I put it down to her maybe having second thoughts so I said we should just stop and forget about it. She was very upset and said we cant be friends now and to this day- a year later we have had no contact at all

I Feel silly that after a year, I still think about her a lot as I miss her friendship, company and everything else.

We see each other in passing most mornings and always say hi in passing but neither of us ever stop. Some nights I say to myself that next morning I will try and maybe initiate small talk but I never do.

I dont know anything about her situation now, is she seeing anyone, if she would mind me getting in touch. Just wondering if I should just let it go or maybe try contacting her . If I did, I dont know, do I text, email or phone. Im thinking phoning would be too forward and heavy.

Ive been asked out by quite a few women since and have gone on some dates but Ive never felt connected to any like the way I did with this woman. I know I sound a little foolish.



Any advice?

nc19

life is too short to wonder 'what if'

Mr. Incognito

Write her a letter spelling out how you feel.

djburchgrove

mate go for it. Just do it like you said, passing in the morning, say hi and stop. Ask her how she's been and say do you mind if I call you later, or we go for a coffee, I've got a few things I wanna say to you.

Sound Bite

You don't sound foolish at all but you soon regretful.

Say something, do something or forever wonder "what if".

It sounds like she cared about you but simply didn't want to get hurt.

LadyAthame

However, I was then getting mixed signals about the whole idea of seeing each other and it was getting a little bit frustrating so I put it down to her maybe having second thoughts so I said we should just stop and forget about it. She was very upset and said we cant be friends now and to this day- a year later we have had no contact at all........
If I did, I dont know, do I text, email or phone............I know I sound a little foolish.

Do what you feel is best for you both. Do what you genuinely think will make you and her happy. An email I think would be better or something like that a message or something. I think going from no real contact even when you see her everyday to something more is better when you can lay your thoughts thoroughly out.There is a certain solace in ambiguity. But it seems to be stopping you from moving on. While their is solace in ambiguity there is also distrust of it. Or if you see her regularly just strike up a chat. If this seems too anxiety inducing then an email. Some of the best communication comes from email writing letters etc.

LegacyUser

op here. Ive given it a lot of thought and have decided now not to get in contact. I knew her very well and pretty much know how she thinks.

If she wanted to get in touch with me, she would have by now. I think contacting her will be the last thing she is needing at the moment as Im sure she is still studying for exams as well as working. I also dont know her private life and she was never short of male attention so I would be surprised if she was still single anyway.

thanks for all the replies

djburchgrove

You'll regret that. muster up the courage, say it.

LadyAthame

should I give a call wrote: »

op here. Ive given it a lot of thought and have decided now not to get in contact.
thanks for all the replies

If the choice is based on what you want we respect your choice and truly wish you all the best.

Merkin

should I give a call wrote: »

op here. Ive given it a lot of thought and have decided now not to get in contact. I knew her very well and pretty much know how she thinks.

If she wanted to get in touch with me, she would have by now. I think contacting her will be the last thing she is needing at the moment as Im sure she is still studying for exams as well as working. I also dont know her private life and she was never short of male attention so I would be surprised if she was still single anyway.

thanks for all the replies

I'm not so sure you read the initial situation all that well in the first place given her consequent hurt and need for space so I'm not sure you've got this right. You can't 'know her very well'. Who knows anybody very well with all due respect? I'm happily married and my husband continues to surprise me and visa versa so you can't know what she is thinking. I'd TALK to her and then base your decision on that.

Matteroffact

It was a funny way to end a relationship in that if she was very upset was this not a signal to you that she cared and why did you insist on breaking up then when this was not what you wanted either ?

You have the ideal situation to make contact if you see her most mornings. All you have to do next time is smile and say "hey I was just wondering how you are". None of this has to mean you are trying to rekindle anything but you will know from her reaction whether it is worth pursuing it further. If she just says "grand, grand" and doesn't look like she wants to have a conversation with you then that's okay, no harm done, but if she looks like she would like to keep on chatting then you could just say you are in a hurry right now but would she be interested in having a coffee sometime.

Also, if you were the one who wanted to break up with her why would she have gotten in touch with you since ?

LegacyUser

Bit of an update.

I had decided not to get into contact and leave it be. This morning she came up to me and we were going in the same direction so I asked if she wanted to walk along with me. We talked about little things and things seemed natuaral enough on both parts. She seemed happy and talkative.

I never mentioned that I missed our friendship or anything remotely on that level, just asked how her work was going.

She then asked me and I told her about a job I have applied to in the UK. Im still in the process but seems less likely that it will be happening due to external factors (staff numbers etc) However I made it seem like that it was still very much happening.

I dont know why I did this but it kind of perhaps gave a message that there is no point in rekindling our friendship.

When I walked the remainder of the walk to work on my own I was thinking why I said this. Only reason I came up with is that maybe I just didnt want to find out if she is seeing someone or moved on and doesnt want to be friends again so I just came out with that to sound defensive?

Its very silly really as it sort of amounts to playing games, even though this was unintentional.

I very much want to revive the friendship and I believe she was/is open to this but not sure now how to

a) contact her again
b) almost backtrack on my job move and explain that it isnt nearly as clear cut as I made out

The issue is, this may all be irrelevant anyway if she is seeing someone or has moved on. Ill just sound very keen/forward.

Im pretty annoyed at myself as I had a perfect opportunity to work on after she came up to me this morning.

any advice?