My mother is dieing

hairyslug

I'm sitting at the moment in vincents, to my left is my mother and to the right is a fantastic golf course (I have no interest in golf bit on a day like today it looks great)

The point of this thread is, well to be honest I'm not quite sure.

I'm not dealing with this well, in dont think I am anyway.
All relatives seem to be emotionally upset by this, I'm looking at a sandwich I just got from a vending machine and thinking I need to message the supplier and tell them how wonderful it is.
I spend 4-6 hours a day here, I don't feel sad, i don't feel anything really, I sit, I talk (I may get 5 words from her while I'm here but it's all good)
I have no control over what happens or when it happens, this I don't deal with so well, I like knowing what's happening. I think, my priority, which I have no control over is that she is as comfortable as possible.
I'm sure I'm not or haven't been the only person in thus position, I suppose it will hit me after all is said and done cause I can be an emotional mess sometimes.
I'm sure I'll be back but I'm off to congratulate someone on a fantastic sandwich.

crazygeryy

what kind of sandwich was it?

crazygeryy

ok before i get banned and red carded that was just my attemp to lift the op's spirits a little and maybe raise a smile.

i hope your mother is comfortable and i hope you will get through this ok.

hairyslug

crazygeryy wrote: »

what kind of sandwich was it?

Ham and cheese, really was good though,
I'm still here and my main thought going thru my mind now is why have they changed the tee off position today in the golf course. I have sisters and aunts sobbing at me going thru old stories and I feel nothing

When I leave tonight it's just over an hours drive home and that is when, the only time really, that any thoughts about this whole thing creep into my mind.

crazygeryy

well look when my grandmother died everyone around me was crying but i didnt cry until i was alone with my thoughts,its normally the way it happens for me to.
deal with it whatever way you think you have to deal with it,but one piece of advice i would give is dont knock anyone else s way of dealing with it.ie your sisters etc.
if you need to cry you will and if you need to talk you will im sure.
there is no rule book to dealing with grief.none.

greasepalm

many things can run through your mind at a sad time like this, my mother was the same in ST VINCENTS in her last days ,funny things are said to remember the good and bad times of years long gone,maybe stories are a way of coping with stress and we act differently so who says who is right? maybe when your home and safe and alone it may hit you loss of a loved one,it does happen to us all regularly.hospitals do their best in seeing she is comfortable with loved ones by her side.i wish you all the strength to get over this sad time ahead

Rubberchikken

you're right, the strangest things go through your head at a time like this.
but then, who's to say what should be going through anyone's head when having to face a terrible thing.

you're doing all the right things at the moment. sit with your mom when you can, remember the good times when you can. you don't have to cry, now, or ever. there's no obligation.

thinking of you.

hairyslug

It's amazing what set me off, all thru this I've been grand, being, what i thought was realistic about this, I know how this ends, but in now sitting in the ward beside my mother with tears streaming down my face cause she told me she was in Scarborough years ago

renmorenewbie

Agree with crazygeryy..there's no rule book for how to think or behave right now.
Recall when my parents were dying that it was like life was travelling at an amazingly slow pace for us in a cocoon, while life for everyone else was at normal pace...like looking through a window at the rest of world oblivious of your situation.
You're doing your best in every moment & making her comfortable is selfless.
Close relatives reactions can be unexpected or seem strange just go with it.

I can't remember both of their last words to me and wished I listened better like you're doing!

A very wise person once confided in me that as a parent you 'want' to die before your children but cannot be there to comfort them ...maybe her tales of Scarborough are that.

Take care & be kind to yourself

Mam of 4

hairyslug wrote: »

It's amazing what set me off, all thru this I've been grand, being, what i thought was realistic about this, I know how this ends, but in now sitting in the ward beside my mother with tears streaming down my face cause she told me she was in Scarborough years ago

I was the same with my Mam , the one who was aware of what was happening, other family members couldn't face the reality of what was happening.

Remember sitting, like yourself with tears rolling down my face as she thought she was in a hotel, not hospital, and said she didn;t like it there could I bring her home.

You will get through this, just do what you have to do for yourself to help you, take a few minutes here and there ,time out for yourself.No right or wrong way.

My thoughts are with you and your family, take care x

hairyslug

Why I'm posting this, I don't know but it's finally over, peacefully.
really hasn't sunk in, we are still in the ward with her, on the drive in I was laughing at something on the radio.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings and if I can be of any assistance to anyone going thru this I will do as much as I can to help.
And if you are a nurse working is St vincents, bloody he'll, you do a fantastic job

endacl

Sorry for your loss.

Taltos

Sorry OP

Mam of 4

Sorry for your loss,take a few minutes for yourself over the next few days if you can x

greasepalm

sorry to hear this sad news,sorry for your loss.

PauloMN

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I spend 4-6 hours a day here

Read that back to yourself when you have a few moments. You don't need to justify to anyone - including yourself - how you feel. Spending that amount of time with someone in hospital day after day says all that needs to be said about it. Your Mum will have truly appreciated that, even if she couldn't tell you in the end.

We all grieve in different ways. I lost my Mum in Feb. The smallest, stupidest things set me off, and other things which people might think should set me off can make me laugh! We are all different and it takes time, especially with a mother imo.

Take care, take your time and look after yourself.

LynnGrace

My sincere condolences, OP. May she rest in peace.
Look after yourself.

Day Lewin

Gentle rest to her, and comfort to you and all your family. Sorrow takes time, let it be sad for a while. You did well.

LadyAthame

I am so sorry Hairy Slug. But at least it was peaceful and surrounded by people who were caring and kind.

Now be caring and kind to yourself.

Be understanding to you , you will be up and down.

xx

RIP.

hairyslug

Thank you all, Monday seems so long ago, Thursday (the funeral) seemed like a lifetime ago, you really couldnt write a script to this. I walked out of the morgue on Tuesday lunchtime and straight into a and e to admit my dad after he has broken his hip.
I think between organising the funeral (ill be honest, I didn't really, the funeral directors did it all but I took the credit for it) and my dad being in here, I don't know how I would have reacted in the end, I'm sure it will all come out sometime.
But once again, if you are in vincents, go for the sandwichs in the vending machine, oh and the staff really went above and beyond for us and my mother for the 3 weeks she was in the hospital.

lilydonoghue

I went through an eerily similar experience from 4th March till my mother died on 17th March. A little over a month on and I'm still stunned and detached feeling. I wish you the best and would like to hear how you get on

LadyAthame

Tuesday lunchtime and straight into a and e to admit my dad after he has broken his hip.

I really hope your dad is ok and heals fast. Gosh my heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself op.xx