need advice how to survive my first breakup at late 20s ://

2devestated

I am 27, she is 28. We were together for 1 year and 4 months… She was my first GF, first love, she had couple previous relationships. Im not a very attractive guy but I have always had many opportunities to get a gf but I have always been picky (not just looks but everything else too). So at 26 I met this girl online and we went for a date. At that time I was still pretty hurt/devastated because of my recent fling that went completely wrong since I was a rebound. I don’t fall in love easily (I needed 6 months to fall in love with my ex) but when I do I fell hard. So at the beginning of our relationship I havent had any real expectations but weeks went by, and then months and I realized it finally happened to me. She was my type of a woman so I was so happy that I waited that long for her – for someone special. She was my first, not just sexually but also in many other ways if you can imagine (first time vacation with a gf, first time being introduced to her family, going to parties together. etc..). After half a year I realized I can see having future together and I m sure it was the same for her.

During first year I was together I was the happiest Ive ever been since... I don’t even remember to be honest. Before I met her I pretty much hit rock bottom – I had health problems for 2 years, I was hurt by another girl for being a rebound, I havent had a job, I lived at home… Since I met her everything went in the right direction. Months went by and I had everything I wish. Life was great I was happy. I have never took her for granted, I was happy to be with her and I appreciated every day. In the first few months I have realized that we are very different people. I love/do sports she doesn’t, I crave sex way more often the she does, she likes parties at weekends Id rather stay at home and watch some movies with her, she smokes I don’t, we don’t even like the same movies/series… We don’t have much in common to be honest but I rather looked away and be just happy. I know she did too but there was infatuation.

But after a year (probably honeymoon phase) things slowly but surely went downhill. We were arguing more, I was not her priority on many occasions, little resentment on my part, little on hers… For the last 2 months we were not the same. We only saw each other once or twice a week and we live 10 miles away. I was busy at weekends for participating in a semi-pro sport team and she was working on her new job. We havent had sex for weeks, she wasn’t bothered (she has never been in the sex much since the beginning - I wanted more but again I rather looked away and be happy when it happened). I became sexually frustrated and we just werent happy anymore. I sensed that, she sensed that. We both neglected our needs. She tried to rekindle our relationship couple of times and I tried to do the same but it never lasted for more then couple of days. I can say we havent been on a same page for the last 4 months. But we still dragged on our relationship. So last month she got a new job. Her schedule is not what I was hoping for. She is working everyday (including weekends) except Wednesday till 8 pm. Im free for weekends and I work to 4 pm other days. So when I started conversation about this she was defensive and angry at me to trying to talk about it, its like she didn’t want to see the elephant in the room. I just wanted to talk about it – when we are going to see eachother and when she ll be able to sleep over since we have crysis for the last few months and our sexual relationship struggles… Few days after that argument she decided to end our relationship. I was and still am devasteted. She said our relationship don’t function anymore and its time to stop trying. What hurt me the most is that she was completely emotionless. I have tried everything to get another chance at our relationship but she just wont budge. She also said she has never got back together with any ex.

Now 6 weeks went by and Im still devasted, thinking and blaming myslef for many things ( I behave immaturely for couple of times)… I tried no conntact but I bumped into her for 3 times in the last month. When we were together for 16 months we have never bumped into eachother… its like someone diceded to torture me… I m afraid I wont find another gf since I spent so many years to find my first one. Im even more afraid ill compare every girl to her and noone will ever come close to her. I know many people arent with their first love, but I think its easier to forget if first love happened at 16, not at 26… im getting better everyday thinking its gonna be alright but then I just uncontrollingly completely break down from time to time. Im going to the gym, having drinks with friends (who are sick of me at this point since im always talking about our break up and what went wrong), going out for weekends - but everywhere I go and everything I do I m still thinking of her. She is the last one I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about in the morning. Its like she is in my subconscious. Im getting on my own nerves at this point. It also hurts that all my friends are still with their LTR gf but I lost mine. They were able to keep them but I wasn’t… Any advice, opinion? Something similar happened to someone? How can I get over it?

roro1990

I have tried everything to get another chance at our relationship but she just wont budge.

Why though? Why do you want another chance at the relationship if as you've so clearly highlighted yourself, it just wasn't working? You sound like completely different people. It makes no sense. If you aren't compatible then there is no reason to be with this girl.

Apologies if i'm coming across as a bit harsh here, but it sounds like you want a girlfriend for all the wrong reasons. Despite the glaring differences in personalities, the constant arguing, you still are trying to pursue something that won't work. To me, it seems like you are basing your sense of identity on whether you have a girlfriend or not. She was your first love so there is nothing wrong with being down over it. But next time, you need to ask yourself why you want a to be with a certain girl. There is only so long that you can pretend to yourself and your partner that you are together because you are compatible, but if you are not actually compatible it always becomes clear to both parties in the end, and staying together is not the solution.

I know this myself because I made the same mistake with my first love. We were together 3 years but it hadn't been working for the last year. I stayed in the relationship because it was my identity. I was basing my self-worth on having a good looking girlfriend. What I've learned since is that to be in a relationship, and for a relationship to work, you have to be doing it for the right reasons. If you are not compatible, which from above it sounds like you really weren't, then there is no reason to stay with any woman, no matter how much of a boost being with a girl gives to your ego.

Take a little bit of time to mope, but realize that you were not right for each other and there are millions of other potential partners out there.

Jasper_

Your current emotional torment actually has very little got to do with this girl.

It is based on:

1) How long it took you to find this girl.
2) How worried you are about how long it will take you to find the next.
3) and how your "not a very attractive guy".

This is all you dude.

It seems to me that you projected all what your looking for in a girl - on to this girl. You overlooked so much because because of the 3 reasons above.

You need to sort your head out dude. Find you self worth again. Stop basing your happiness on your relationship status. Sure its nice to be in a relationship, but it should compliment your already happy life rather then be the be all and end all of your happiness.

catonthewire

Hi OP.....

Getting over a relationship break up takes time, you are not going to forget this girl overnight....


Sit down and write down all the reasons why it didn't work, include the fact that even after the inital break up you both tried again and it still failed...
It sounds to me that she really wants to move on and leave it all behind and for your own sake you should accept this.....

It's obvious you loved her and probably still do, but often love isn't enough to maintain a relationship, both people must be on the same page so to speak...

As difficult as it is for you, time will pass, and you may even form a friendship of sorts.....
First love is always the toughest to forget, but you will get through this, spend time with your friends , work on yourself, it is possible to one day meet someone new....

Matteroffact

You are just panicking now OP because you are like a fish out of water and need to find a new way of living. You are out of your comfort zone. Your pattern of life has changed and you are left with the feeling that you don't know where you are going. Anyone would feel uneasy with something like this. What you need to do to feel better is to get back on track, find a new hobby, look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are worth something more than just a relationship. You need to feel good about yourself because you are you and not just the other part of a relationship. When you have mastered your self worth you will feel on top of the world and it won't be long until you attract another woman, if that's what you want. When you meet the next woman you will be glad that this relationship didnt last because you now have the chance of better things in our life.

2devestated

I just cant get rid off the feeling that i havent done enough for the last two months. I knew we have had crisis, but i havent sit down with myself and take a moment to make a plan how to change things, how to be more patient, how to resolve some issues. I just let everyday to pass by until it was over.

I thin I did this because i was not satisfied and happy anymore with relationship but was not prepered to let her go... i know i could make it work somehow. We have had such a great time together for the first 10 months... id even say 12... I know we are both to blame but i just cannot accept my failings in relationship. It hurts me when i think about my mistakes. It pains me to think i should/could act different in some occassions and things would be different somehow now.

She has meant a lot to me, i still have feelings for her. And i admit it felt much better to be in a relationship then to be alone/single... I just hope it wont become a burden for me in a couple of years if i ll not be able to find someone for me...

Jasper_

Learn to forgive yourself man.

You are human like everyone else. You made some mistakes and let me tell you - you will make plenty more. Learning to learn from your mistakes and not beating yourself up over them is truly one of life's greatest skills. It is by no means easy, but it is something that can be worked on.

Matteroffact

You were yourself in that relationship and you did what came naturally to you. Forcing yourself to behave in a different way would not have worked, so forget about beating yourself up over what you did and didn't do. You gave it your best shot and it didn't work out, that's the way it goes sometimes. Stop panicking, you will be fine.

Stavro Mueller

What exactly could you have done? Given one or both of you a personality transplant? From what I'm reading here, the relationship simply ran its course and it is for the best that you aren't together. You actually have a very good understanding of what it was that went wrong but I don't think you believe your words. Having little in common can be quite a problem down the line. The sex issue is another biggie. You never have to go too far in this forum to find threads from men who are trapped in unhappy sexless marriages.

2devestated

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

What exactly could you have done?

I should stopped acting like a giant douche from time to time... 4 months ago we talked about our sex problem, and she was not bothered about it. She was willing to talk about it, try to solve the problem by many suggestions but it were just words, no actions - she remained passive after that conversation and hasnt made any effort to change things for the better. After a while i stopped trying because i somehow gave up... I think she just did not put as much importance to it in the relationship as I did - once a month was all she needed, sometimes even less... Since nothing has changed I began pulling back on some of what I did that she appreciated. Such as making her feel loved and appreciated. All that did was drive a bigger wedge between us and our relationship. I got more and more unsatisfied with relationship which resulted in my different behaviour towards her (sometimes i said/did things that i know might hurt her or at least she doest like to get back at her). I ussually apologized after i realized that but it was still childish and immature - it was just me being hurt and unsatisfied... I regret that so much...

Stavro Mueller

2devestated wrote: »

I should stopped acting like a douche form time to time... 4 months ago we talked about our sex problem, and she was not bothered about it. She was willing to talk about it, try to solve the problem by many suggestions but it were just words, no actions. I think she just did not put as much importance to it in the relationship as I did - once a month was all she needed, sometimes even less...

You don't realise it now but you have had one lucky escape. As I said in my last post, there are nearly always threads here from men who are trapped in sexless marriages. There's a current one on the go here in Relationship Issues if you don't believe me. I'm probably not allowed to link to it directly but glance down the page and you'll spot it. Why do you think this relationship would've fared any differently?

One thing that all of these threads always have in common is that the unhappy couple's sex life was never that hot anyway. Yet these men went ahead and put a ring on their girlfriend's fingers, had a child or two and are now miserable and trapped. They failed to heed the warning signs so now they're sexually frustrated, very unhappy but can't leave.

Since nothing has changed I began pulling back on some of what I did that she appreciated. Such as making her feel loved and appreciated. All that did was drive a bigger wedge between us and our relationship.

So why didn't she do something to improve things then? It takes two people to make a relationship. She knew what the root of the problem was but was not prepared to make changes.

2devestated

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

So why didn't she do something to improve things then? It takes two people to make a relationship. She knew what the root of the problem was but was not prepared to make changes.

I dont know, im still thinking about it - maybe because i pushed her back with my antics, maybe she feeled pressured even though i did not bring up sex every week, sometimes even longer, maybe because we had crisis, maybe because there was not deep enough emotional connection between us... in my opinion you never know why woman doesnt crave sex, it could be 100 reasons as i learned... but i think she should at least communicate with me if there was an issue like that...

Stavro Mueller

The pair of you should've been at it like rabbits. Mark my words - if this had continued you'd have been lucky to have one fumble a year.

2devestated

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

The pair of you should've been at it like rabbits. Mark my words - if this had continued you'd have been lucky to have one fumble a year.

well i believe you, i was expecting that but it has never been like this between us. We had sex problems like we were already married with kids even though we were together lil more then a year.

I was thinking that maybe i just su*ck at it, who knows... but even then i d expect her to either dump me or try to show or tell me how to get better at it... not ignore it. im a right?

2devestated

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

So why didn't she do something to improve things then? It takes two people to make a relationship. She knew what the root of the problem was but was not prepared to make changes.

Are you implying that she deliberatly destroyed our relationship?

Stavro Mueller

2devestated wrote: »

Are you implying that she deliberatly destroyed our relationship?

No. What I'm saying is that she didn't have any interest in saving it. There's a difference. You flagged the issue and nothing changed. Maybe you should go find some of the threads here from the men trapped in sexless marriages. It might give you some perspective.

2devestated

Tnx for opinion but i dont know what you are trying to tell me with those sexless marriages... We didnt even live together so i have no idea how our sexual relationship would develop if we did. All i know is that sex was not that important to her for whatever reason. She has never rejected my advances once we were laying beside each other... so...

Stavro Mueller

What I am trying to tell you is that when there are sexual problems at the start they rarely go away. Instead they get worse. Living together or not living together has absolutely no relevance at all. Nor has marital status. Were you prepared to put up with years of sexual frustration and hoping tonight might be the night? The excuses given might have rung bells too.

LadyAthame

Do YOU get passionate about your life!

santana75

Sounds like there were alarm bells going off, a lot of alarm bells and you just looked the other way in the hope that she'd be generous enough to stay with you. Man, you gave it away, from the word go. From the way you described it, you were the one who was working too hard and had too much invested.
The big alarm bell for me was how you describe your life before you got together with this girl. Its all negative, and then when you meet her, it becomes all happy. She became your source of happiness and when its like that you'll always be on the back foot. You needed to create your life to the point where you were happy with yourself and who you are, then pop a relationship on top of that. Its a bonus not the main source of your happiness.
I know you feel like hell right now but trust me, this is all good. When the dust settles you'll see clearly the lessons that you're being taught by this experience. Its tough, but life will always teach us what we need to know, and its usually in a fairly hard fashion.

2devestated

santana75 wrote: »

Sounds like there were alarm bells going off, a lot of alarm bells and you just looked the other way in the hope that she'd be generous enough to stay with you. Man, you gave it away, from the word go. From the way you described it, you were the one who was working too hard and had too much invested.

What alarm bells? Differences in character?

We have had great time for the first 12 months, she was always affectionate, caring, loving towards me, sex was never important as far back as i remember- once maybe twice a month since the beginning. And she was not the source of a happiness, its just the fact i get a job after i met her, my health problems went away... its coincidence but its the truth. Im down but she was not my source of happiness (but i admit i was happy that i was in a relationship) even though im devastated right now. I loved her, thats why I kept on as long as it went.

2devestated

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Were you prepared to put up with years of sexual frustration and hoping tonight might be the night?

i was hoping tonight might be the night from the beginning... after few sexless weeks i was hoping this week might be the week... so I kinda see what you are saying...

i just dont know why she was not into sex?? Im wondering If i was bad at it, since she was my first but then why would she stayed with me i i was that bad and why she was into sex from time to time... the only reasonable explanation i have is that i was bad in bed or she is not into sex in general...

Blue Iris

You're grieving the loss of a relationship that was very important to you and it's natural that you feel emotional pain. But I agree with the others that it wasn't meant to be.

You appear to be getting fixated on the mistakes you made towards the end of the relationship. I understand why as you're desperately trying to make sense of what went wrong. But you can't turn back the clock so the only benefit to going over and over what you did wrong is to use the learning from this experience to teach you how to be in your next relationship. Your self esteem has taken a big knock but try not to believe all the negative self talk that is going on inyour head right now. You will meet someone else and be happy again.

CaliforniaDream

Op I read your thread on another forum and everyone there said the same thing too.
You need to realise it's over, it'll suck for a while but you'll get over it.
Look at what was good and bad about the relationship and learn from it. Let her figure out what she wants too and you'll both be better off.

It's not fun having your heart broken but you survive and in time things work out.

Matteroffact

Stop putting yourself down. There was nothing wrong with your sex technique. This woman has just changed her mind about what she wants and wants to move on and it makes it easier when she has someone to blame. You were your wonderful self in this relationship and it is her loss. Best of luck for the future OP.

2devestated

Matteroffact wrote: »

Stop putting yourself down. There was nothing wrong with your sex technique. This woman has just changed her mind about what she wants and wants to move on and it makes it easier when she has someone to blame. You were your wonderful self in this relationship and it is her loss. Best of luck for the future OP.

No one knows that for sure... it couldnt be that good since she was my first, but then again she craved sex from tim to time but rarely was an initiator...

i read in some pizza restaurant couple of days ago: Pizza is like sex, even when its bad its still kinda good... i hope thats true lol...

tnx for kind words, but i know you just want me to feel better. tnx anyway...

Matteroffact

2devestated wrote: »

No one knows that for sure... it couldnt be that good since she was my first, but then again she craved sex from tim to time but rarely was an initiator...

i read in some pizza restaurant couple of days ago: Pizza is like sex, even when its bad its still kinda good... i hope thats true lol...

tnx for kind words, but i know you just want me to feel better. tnx anyway...

What did I tell you, stop beating yourself up. You are doing yourself no favours. You are making yourself ill by thinking this stuff. There is no need for it. None of us are sex experts, we all have our own style and must not be compared with anyone else. We are all individuals. There is a lot more to a good relationship than sex. You are hell bent on putting the blame for this break up on something, but the thing is that relationships break up for all sorts of reasons and oftentimes there is nothing to blame except that the other person wants different things at this stage of their life. You will feel better about all of this in time so in the meantime just know that you are wonderful and it won't take long for someone else to appreciate this.

LegacyUser

it seems OP that you place an awful lot of importance on sex. You see the problem as being her placing too little importance on it, and probably she saw the problem as you placing too much importance on it. You haven't said much about her as a person (as in her actual personality and good characteristics and whatnot, maybe she felt that you were more interested in sex than in her?) Now I could be wrong of course, but considering how much you've brought up the lack of sex it does seem to be the issue (for you, at least). I think twice a month is pretty ok for two people who don't live together? Or sometimes after a while you just don't fancy the person anymore as much as you used to, say a year or two ago, that could be the case with her, even. Your technique is probably fine....

2devestated

Matteroffact wrote: »

You are hell bent on putting the blame for this break up on something, but the thing is that relationships break up for all sorts of reasons and oftentimes there is nothing to blame except that the other person wants different things at this stage of their life.

Of course im searching for a reason… And I know since I became sexually frustrated and unsatisfied I acted differently towards her which causes a break up… So the reason for a break up is the same reason why she had no desire to have sex with me… i cannot help myself but asking WHY?? All I can think of is that I suc*ed at it or she has low libido...
I am sure she did not cheat on me, i know her that well she would never cheat…


i know I overanalyze things - thats how i am... i rather hear harsh truth then a sweet lie...

2devestated

cestmavie wrote: »

it seems OP that you place an awful lot of importance on sex. You see the problem as being her placing too little importance on it, and probably she saw the problem as you placing too much importance on it. You haven't said much about her as a person (as in her actual personality and good characteristics and whatnot, maybe she felt that you were more interested in sex than in her?) Now I could be wrong of course, but considering how much you've brought up the lack of sex it does seem to be the issue (for you, at least). I think twice a month is pretty ok for two people who don't live together? Or sometimes after a while you just don't fancy the person anymore as much as you used to, say a year or two ago, that could be the case with her, even. Your technique is probably fine....

how about this - We havent had sex for 2 months - from september to november… and i didnt even pressure her for couple of weekends. thats 8 weeks man... that’s when I kinda lost it… we do not live together but still, that is not normal, its more like we were friends then lovers. Im was just driving myself demented. She wasnt bothered... she was still affectionate and loving, but sex was never important.


we had sex about once a moth or even less, and she was not even bothered.. It may looked like I m obsessed with sex, but id be fine with once every 2 weeks. We have had sex 5 times in last 6 months and she was never an initiator!!!

Please tell me Im normal because I crave sex with gf more then once every month!?!?! I don’t know what to think… I snapped when we havent had sex for 2 months from september to november - thats 8 weeks in a row.. and she wasn’t bothered, 8 weeks!!! Yes I might be obsessed, but not with sex but the lack of it… I just cant get it why she doesnt felt any desire .. im in a great shape and was not pressuring her for couple weeks/weekends but it did not get any better. its like she didnt give a single f**k about the lack of sex for the last 5 months. It wasn’t always like that… before that she was never into sex much, but she craved it at least once a month and showed me that.. but then it stopped…

north_star_33

Move on buddy....i know it stings now but you'll laugh about it down the line
i got dumped at 22 and i was down for ages....but i realised that lifes too short and theres loads of birds out there

All the best
star

2devestated

north_star_33 wrote: »

Move on buddy....i know it stings now but you'll laugh about it down the line
i got dumped at 22 and i was down for ages....but i realised that lifes too short and theres of birds out there

All the best
star

tnx man, but im pretty sure i wont be laughing...

LegacyUser

well, in that case then i'd suggest you research asexuality. It could be that she is asexual or demisexual , (so could still fall in love, but that's separate from wanting sex. I say this as a demisexual woman so I personally would have to have strong feelings for a person to be attracted to them. Perhaps she is like this, and just slowly fell out of love, decreasing her desire for you in the process. Or she could just be asexual, with no desire for sex either way, just love. Check out www.aven.org , there will be better info there....