Worried about alcoholic ex/friend

LegacyUser

My ex has always had a problem with addictive substances. He'll even admit it, that once he starts he can't stop. He's tried to stop drinking for that reason but after a couple of months think he's ok again. during the early days of our relationship he did some ****ty things like turning up to a date late and drunk or coming to another one high. The former I thought was a once off 'cause his friends had twisted his arm and maybe he just got carried away. As for the latter, I didn't realise he was high; I thought he was stressed and upset about something going on at the time. But a few months later he admitted the truth.

Anyway I very much calmed and "tamed" his behaviour while we were together but even still there were things that made me very uncomfortable. Like he doesn't enjoy doing pills, but if someone offers him some he will just do some anyway. And I mean some, not like half a pill, more like 4. When I would come over to watch a film and have a few beers he'd always buy way too much alcohol, like I'd be happy to share a six pack but he'd want a six pack and then some for himself. He would never drink that much when I was around but laugh about how he would have drunk it all if he was with his housemates (who are horrible influences). Throughout the year and a half we were together he gave up drinking and drugs three times, gambling once and smoking twice but none of them stuck. Towards then end of our relationship he got an excellent job and his boss adored him, which I thought was great until I realised his boss plied him with alcohol and cocaine at every opportunity. As in a mid-week lunch will turn into a two day bender.

Anyway flash-forward, we've been broken up about 9 months. I would like to be his friend but don't really think it's necessary or a very good idea (we don't even live in the same country any more). Where as he keeps insisting that he really wants to be my friend and we have a special bond, but then treating me like crap. I'm home visiting and said I could meet him this morning or afternoon. He said he was really sorry and really wanted to meet me but would be too hungover 'cause he was going to a gig last night. It was sort of the last straw really. I was going out too, but can easily make the effort not to get hammered if I had to meet someone the next day, especially someone I claim I really "want to be there for" etc. So last night I was explaining this too a mutual friend, thinking it was just him being mean to me when she said that he's gone completely off the rails, she hasn't seen him sober in months. He was supposed to see a gig with her but he turned up an hour later than arranged, completely hammered, made a fool of them both at the gig, got really pissy when she wanted to leave as she had work the next morning and doesn't remember any of it. He's also apparently seeing a girl who does heroin.

That was basically when it all clicked I know it sounds stupid. I've always known he was a little wild but never really realised the extent of the issue. I've basically felt like vomiting since she told me; I'm so worried. I don't see any future for us and haven't for months but I still care about him and don't want him to ruin his life or die, he's only 23 and such a great person. He text me at 4 last night once again informing me he couldn't meet me today (even though he'd already told me this last week). So I replied asking him if he was ok and saying that I was worried about him. I don't know what to do. All our other old friends are more or less sick of him and find him too stressful to deal with but I feel like I need to help him and can't just abandon him...What can I do?

Pawwed Rig

Nothing really. He has to solve this himself. You are not together anymore so you do not need to feel guilty about his behaviour nor are you in a position to do anything about it.

Big Bag of Chips

Hard as it is for you, Pawwed Rig is right. You are not in a position to be able to do anything. You live in another country. Even if you moved back here, moved in with him and watched him 24/7 you still couldn't do anything for him. If he's addicted to drink and drugs then you wanting him to stop won't be enough to stop him.

My friend's husband is an alcoholic drug addict. The threat of losing his wife, children and home wasn't enough to stop him. He now has lost all those things and is worse than ever. So if your ex doesn't want to do it for himself, he certainly won't want to do it for you.

Addiction is a very complicated psychiatric illness. The cure isn't as simple as asking the person to stop. Even when the person wants to stop it can be a long difficult road with many failures before the eventually manage to overcome their addictions.

You can stay in touch with him if you like, but don't get your hopes up... And believe very little of what he tells you.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies.
I kind of figured that's what you'd say. All my friends have said to just be thankfull I got out (that's not why we broke up by the way). But I still just can't help feeling a little bit to blame? I mean, he wasn't anywhere near as bad when we were together. And there is also a part of me that is upset at being replaced by a girl, who although I've never met her, sounds awful. I obviously can't stay friends with him if he continues to act like this because I have to much self-respect and won't allow myself to be treated like I'm less important than beer. I didn't even want to be friends in the first place. But I feel so upset about it. I'm at a family function and I'm fighting back tears, feel like being sick. I know this might sound stupid but it's as close to losing a friend as I've ever come. I feel like his life is in the balance and there's nothing I can do. He had planned to emigrate this summer and I feel like if he does this he has a chance to escape the bad influences etc, but he's not sure it's the right thing to anymore.

If I can't help him, how do I help myself deal with the "loss" of him?

Big Bag of Chips

You could go to Al-Anon. It is a support group for people who live with an alcoholic in their lives. There would most probably be a group in your area. Trust me, this is not your fault. Whether or not he emigrates isn't going to make any difference to him. All that will do is make him an alcoholic in another country.

Think about it. He is 23 with few responsibilities. He is interested in one thing only and he now has a gf who is interested in the same thing. That is no reflection on you. I'd guess their relationship isn't a nice place to be. If their biggest connection is drink and drugs it's hardly a strong, happy relationship.

My friend's husband is in his 30s. He has 2 children. Drink and drugs are more of a priority to him at the moment than his children. His wife spent years in a very lonely marriage where drink and drugs were more important than anything or anyone else. He would be up all night drinking and doing cocaine. She would get up in the morning with the children. He would be there, out of his head. He'd shout a bit of abuse at her, occasionally throw something at her for having the cheek to ask him to go to bed so that the children wouldn't see him. He would then spend all day in bed. Get up around 7pm and start again. She left a few times. He begged, cried, promised etc. She went back. Things would be great for a couple of weeks and then it would all go back to "normal". She eventually left last year and hasn't gone back. Now she gets daily phone calls and texts about how he has lost everything. How hurt he is. How much pain he's in. How terrible she is because she just walked out and left him. How she must never have really loved him if she could walk out on their marriage so easily. (He obviously forgets all the times she left and came back... Leaving was never "easy"). At one stage he even blamed her for the way he is because she "allowed" him to become like this. He texts about all the "family time" he's missing out on. Obviously conveniently overlooking the fact that he was never involved in any family time anyway. Even if they went out for a day he would be in the pub while she would be doing something with the children. He is getting all the help he could possibly be offered by way of treatment and counselling, but it's making no difference. Even before he started his first session of counselling he was telling her he wasn't going to give up drinking! He told her he'd cut down, but could never see a point where he'd never drink again.... He was on a drink and drugs bender from last Friday night until Sunday evening. I'd hardly call that "cutting down".

Honestly, OP, there is nothing you can do about your ex. And if he doesn't get himself sorted then the above is his future. As your friends have said, just be thankful you got away. Imagine if you had a life, 2 children and a mortgage with him.

Oryx

You can't fix him. Only he can, if he chooses. And it may never happen. So that leaves you dealing with the guilt of leaving him to it and the loss of him.

I believe that as his friend you can accept that he has made these choices, but for your own sake you cant stick around to watch him destroy himself. And like I just said, you cannot cure this. Let him know that you are stepping away because of his choices. You will be his friend but not while he is an addict. Be prepared for a defensive response. Then do walk away, with the knowledge that you are doing the best for you, and that you have been honest about how you feel. Detach with love.

You will need to grieve for the relationship like anyone would, but whenever guilt raises its head, remember the choices were his, not yours.

LadyAthame

He is not emotionally stable for any type of friendship. He is in a spiral of self sabotage that cannot be helped unless he helps himself. But you can stop him dragging you down.

The stats for people getting sober and staying sober are not good. Drug and alcohol rehab statistics show that the percentage of people who will relapse after a period recovery ranges from 50% to 90%. This is a frightening statistic and it is often used as justification for those who wish to carry on with their addiction.

You literally have to BEAT the odds.

What these figures hide is that there are things that the individual can do to greatly increase their chances of sustained sobriety. Those people who are serious about aftercare greatly increase their chances of success. It is most often those who are not adequately supported in recovery that end up returning to their addiction.

He must be serious about not spending more time with people who are addicts.

He has to want it for him.

Addicts who are serious manipulate their position to increase their chances and do it they get the aftercare they cut negative behaviors and ties. They embrace a new happier life.

They have to want it.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies. I feel a lot better about the whole thing now (though it still sucks obviously). Like I said I already sent him a message but I really didn't expect a reply anytime soon, not with the weekend that's in it. When he does reply I'm just going to explain how I feel and tell him that I can't just sit around and watch him ruin his life so I won't be contacting him anymore. I'll tell him that I'll always be there if he ever really wants or needs help but not unless he's serious. At worst I'll get a soul-crushingly emotionless message saying I'm wrong but that's fine if it's really how I feel, at best a genuine message saying he understands he drinks to much and is sad to lose me but isn't ready to quit. Either way I feel better now, knowing I've done everything I can for him, now and when we were together.

holyhead

From my experience from dealing with a friend who is an alcoholic all they care about or being kind about it, is the most important thing in their life is their addiction. Only he can choose to stop. He needs to want to stop. He chooses to pursue alcohol and substances so by logical extension it needs to be him that chooses to not actively pursue the consumption of alcohol or substances. Once/if he gets on the road to kick his addictions then you can be of help to him. Generally when people actively in addiction want help, the helper ends up being an enabler.